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The Red Cloak Part 2



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Wed Nov 09, 2011 8:01 pm
Leahweird says...



Marguerite stared into the flames of the hearth. She was glad to finally be warm, and thrilled to be free of blood, but the flickering fire reminded her too much of the creature’s gleaming eyes and teeth.

“I’ve keep telling you, Fleurine, it wasn’t a wolf. It was the wolf.”

“That’s impossible,” said her cousin. “Cheyne killed that one himself, years ago.”

“He says he did. But I know that was this is the beast that killed grandma. It’s been out there ever since. Waiting for me.”

Fleurine began to stroke her hair. Normally Marguerite wouldn’t have submitted herself to such fussing, but right then she needed the comfort.

“Sweetheart, I can see how tonight would have upset you. It would have been traumatic for anyone, even without what you’ve already been through. I know you had a special relationship with grandmother, and you were only a little girl when it happened.”

“I was thirteen,” protested the younger girl, defensibly.

Fleurine wasn’t going to let the interruption keep her from making a point.

“And yet you came home with stories about talking wolves. Obviously you were confused.”

Marguerite wanted to argue more, but she really couldn’t recall the details of her rescue. She could remember everything vividly, right up until the moment she was attacked. The next thing she could picture clearly was Cheyne carrying her back home.

“Besides,” her Fleurine continued. “If you are so sure you’re being stalked, why would you be trysting in the woods?”

“Why does everyone assume that Cheyne and I are a couple?” Marguerite countered, breaking away from her cousin in exasperation.
“Well, he saved your life! It seems like destiny.”

It looked like it was going to be impossible to convince anyone that something was wrong with that story. It was surprising, really. Marguerite’s version of events meant people couldn’t consider themselves safe even if they stayed in their homes.

Instead of pressuring Fleurine, Marguerite changed tactics. She pointed out what she considered the major flaw in her cousin's reasoning.

“He better not have fallen for me back then. I don’t mind that he’s three years older than me, but there’s a big difference between sixteen and thirteen.”

Fleurine sniffed, obviously unimpressed with this logic. “They say he’s going to be fine, by the way. If you care at all.”

“If he hadn’t been pawing at me, he wouldn’t have been hurt in the first place,”

“So now the wolf was protecting your virtue?”

“Of course not!” exclaimed Marguerite.

She didn’t add that she could have done that herself, if it came to it. Knives worked against more than one kind of animal. She hadn’t wanted to resort to that, though.

“That boy has rescued you at least twice now. It wouldn’t hurt for you to show a little gratitude.”

“I’m sick of being grateful,” said Marguerite, abruptly pulling on her shawl and getting up to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“Home!”

Indeed, she rushed through the cold and into the little house she used to share with her mother. Her home was barren and chilled now, since no one had been staying there. She really was thankful to her last living relative for taking her in, but she was also heartily tired of being pressured into loving Cheyne.

Exhausted and frustrated she fell into her old bed without bothering to make the room presentable. She fought to be able to sleep instead of cry.

She was running through the forest. She knew she was being pursued, she could hear the great beast crashing through the trees behind her. Her cloak kept getting caught and torn, but she couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter anyway. Grandma would fix it for her. Grandma would make everything better.

She pounded on the door of the little cottage, sure that the wolf was right behind her.

“Grandma, it’s me! Open the door!”

‘Come on in, my dear,” said a voice within. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

She woke with a start. Shivering, she watched the rosy light seep across the floor. The nightmares had to stop. More than anything, she didn’t want to be afraid anymore.
Last edited by Leahweird on Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:55 pm
Starhunter says...



Hey!
This sounds good to me- I haven't read chapter one or anything, but now I'm really interested. I think your conversations are very natural and flow well, and could kinda feel Maugerite's frustration, so that came across well too. :)
Spoiler! :
I've never read a good revised Red Riding Hood before!

This is something you might want to fix:
While everything up until then was her mind, she could only remember being attacked.

Read it a couple of times to see if you any words out. ;)
Keep up the good work!
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So we can learn to pick ourselves up.


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Fri Nov 11, 2011 7:29 pm
Leahweird says...



I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I can see what you mean about that sentence. I think I revised that paragraph so often the sense got lost. I think it's fixed now. Anyways, thanks so much for the review. I didn't think anyone was interested in this story.
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:24 pm
barefootrunner says...



Hello! It's me again, being nitpicky. I just quoted the whole thing so that I could do the red marker thing that teachers seem to enjoy so much, but it is scarcely necessary, because you have such a great story!

Leahweird wrote:Marguerite stared into to Remove the to. the flames of the hearth. She was glad to finally be warm, and thrilled to be free of blood, but the flickering fire reminded her to too much of the creature’s gleaming eyes and teeth.

“I’ve keep telling you, Fleurine, it wasn’t a wolf. It was the wolf.”

“That’s impossible,” said her cousin. “Cheyne killed that one himself, years ago.”

“He says he did. But I know that was this beast that killed grandma. It’s been out there ever since. Waiting for me.”

Fleurine began to stroke her hair. Normally Marguerite wouldn’t have submitted herself to such fussing, but right then she needed the comfort.

“Sweetheart, I can see how tonight would have upset you. It would have been traumatic for anyone, even without what you’ve already been through. I know you had a special relationship with grandmother, and you were only a little girl when it happened.”

“I was thirteen,” protested the younger girl, defensibly.

Fleurine wasn’t going to let the interruption keep her from making a point.

“And yet you came home with stories about talking wolves. Obviously you were confused.”

Marguerite wanted to argue more, but she really couldn’t recall the details of her rescue. She could remember everything vividly, right up until the moment she was attacked. The next thing she could picture clearly was Cheyne carrying her back home.

“Besides,” her Fleurine continued. “If you are so sure you’re being stalked, why would you be trysting in the woods?”

“Why does everyone assume that Cheyne and I are a couple?” Marguerite countered, breaking away from her cousin in exasperation.
“Well, he saved your life! It seems like destiny.”

It looked like it was going to be impossible to convince anyone that something was wrong with that story. It was surprising, really. Marguerite’s version of events meant people couldn’t consider themselves safe as long as try "even if" to smooth out the bumps they stayed in their homes.

Instead of pressuring Fleurine, Marguerite changed tactics. She pointed out what she considered the major flaw in her cousins use an apostrophe to indicate possession reasoning.

“He better not have fallen for me then. I don’t mind that he’s three years older than me, but there’s a big difference between sixteen and thirteen.”

Fleurine sniffed, obviously unimpressed with this logic. “They say he’s going to be fine, by the way. If you care at all.”

“If he hadn’t been pawing at me, he wouldn’t have been hurt in the first place,”

“So now the wolf was protecting your virtue?”

“Of course not!” exclaimed Marguerite.

She didn’t add that she could have done that herself, if it came to it. Knives worked against more than one kind of animal. She hadn’t wanted to resort to that insert comma here though.

“That boy has rescued you at least twice now. It wouldn’t hurt for you to show a little gratitude.”

“I’m sick of being grateful,” said Marguerite, abruptly pulling on her shawl and getting up to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“Home!”

Indeed, she rushed through the cold and into the little house she used to share with her mother. Her home was barren and chilled now, since no one had been staying there. She really was thankful to her last living relative for taking her in, but she heartily tired was heartily tired? of being pressured into loving Cheyne.

Exhausted and frustrated she fell into her old bed without bothering to make the room presentable. She fought to be able to sleep instead of cry.

She was running through the forest. She knew she was being pursued, she could hear the great beast crashing through the trees behind her. Her cloak kept getting caught and torn, but she couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter anyway. Grandma would fix it for her. Grandma would make everything better.

She pounded on the door of the little cottage, sure that the wolf was right behind her.

“Grandma, it’s me! Open the door!”

‘Come on in, my dear,” said a voice within. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
She woke with a start. Shivering, she watched the rosy light seep across the floor. The nightmares had to stop. More than anything, she didn’t want to be afraid anymore.


And that's that! Love the name, by the way - Fleurine.
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:37 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Leah, thought I would review the rest of this story for you, but apologies if the reviews come rather, um... gradually.

I. NITPICKS

“He says he did. But I know that was this beast that killed grandma.


I feel like this needs an extra 'it' or 'this' or... something.

“He better not have fallen for me then.


'back then' or some other alternative might make this clearer?

It wouldn’t hurt for you to show a little gratitude.”


Wow! Okay, what an awful thing to insinuate! I think Marguerite's reaction is a little bit off, I'd be more worried about my cousin's priorities than being grateful...

II. OVERALL

Overall I don't have a whole bunch to say! This is much stronger than your first part. I would like to know a little bit more about Fleurine- who is she/what age is she/what does she look like/what's her situation in life like. As in, is there anybody else in the house with her, is she still a young single woman or is she ahead of Marguerite in being married and settled and whatever? Other than that, I think you do a lovely job of showing us the village's perspective on the original events and in general this is a really good portrayal of Marguerite and her situation! Maybe a little more of an idea of the community they live in wouldn't go amiss either- all that worldbuilding and character building that you need to flesh out your MC. But really, lovely work :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:46 pm
Leahweird says...



Argh! Again with the missing words. It's an affliction. Thank you very much for catching those.

As for Fleurine, I think this scene shows off the huge difference between the origional idea for the character vs. what she actually turned out being. I think I need to retool her dialogue. Alhtough I think I may have made that line sound worse than what I meant. I definetly agree that the background needs to be fleshed out more.
  








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