Young Writers Society

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Hi!!
First of all, let me say I loved your nickname!! I'm just crazy for volleyball!
But, now, your story...

volleyball13 wrote:Seventy-five years ago, a little girl lived in a house by the river. When she was five she was given a golden locket in the shape of a heart. She loved it and wore every day until she died, which sadly was not long after she obtained it. This little girls name was Cynthia. She was the little girl that loved everyone and everything, including life

I think you are repeating too much the term "little girl"... My suggestion is:
Seventy-five years ago, in a house by the river, lived a little girl named Cynthia. When she was five, Cynthia was given a golden locket, in the shape of heart, that she loved and wore every day until she died, which sadly was not long after she obtained it.

volleyball13 wrote:One day Cynthia went out to play in the yard like every day, and she was wearing the locket.

I don't think you need to say that she was wearing the locket, since you said she wore it every day...

volleyball13 wrote:This day was different, when her mother called out for her to come inside there was no response. This made her mother instantly worry because, no matter what, Cynthia would always respond

Again, since you already said this day were different, there is no need to say she would always respond on a normal day.

volleyball13 wrote:Once Cynthia’s parents could semi-control their tears, they started looking for Cynthia’s gold heart-shaped locket

Maybe here you should describe how they found out the locket was missing... Because it seems a little bit unreal that they noticed it soon...

Anyways, I like where the story is going, and I can't wait to read more from you...
I am sorry if anything I said here sounded offensive to you, though. I assure you it was not my intention.
Keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you need anything!

The premise to this story is very dry. So a girl randomly drowns (no explanation is given. why didn't the girl cry for help?) and lost with her life is a golden locket. You fail to establish why this locket is important and why we should care. You do say

wore every day until she died, which sadly was not long after she obtained it.

(by the way add an "it" between "wore" and "every") so is the locket cursed? Perhaps this is a technique to lure readers into reading the novel but I still feel it is poorly executed. You also throw in alot of unnescassary details such as the parents trying to revive the dead child and their mourning. I would also advise you to establish the locket is missing before you say the parents are going to go look for it. Otherwise it just looks like you forgot to write it in and feels like a hole or a random detail. I would also revise the ending sentence since saying that the locket had been missing since the funeral is kind of already obvious. Plus saying that since the funeral makes the reader think that they found it but lost it again, once again making the reader think you did not properly proofread your work. A better revision would be (I think)

When the parents arrived, they saw their daughter floating in the water. Panicing, the father attempts to resuscicate the dead body, but without avail. After semi-controlling their morbid tears, they notice the locket is missing. They search the area, but nothing. The locket that their daughter had adored so much was gone, until now.

The rest of the stuff is just grammatical errors which I'm sure you can find on your own. Hope this helps.

Thanks. When I added details to this before, I forgot to add the sentence about it being missing. Again, thanks for the help.

Skwmusic : this is just backround about the locket and Cynthia, because they are very important to the rest of the story.

Hi 13, again! So, from your P.M. I guessed that you had updated this again just as many times as you have sent me updates? I'm just going to review it here because it is easier to write a review in the forums.

Okay my biggest complaint about this is the sentence variety! I just reviewed your first paragraph and I mentioned this, but in this prologue the problem is much more obvious. Reread this and mix those sentences up. Because all the sentences sound the same the paragraph starts to get boring and I start to not care about your characters.

The other thing is that when you are telling us about how the parents found the body you sound so matter of fact. I still don't feel any emotion for some reason. For example:

Cynthia’s father turned the body over in disbelief. His baby girl was the center of his world, so he panicked and attempted to resuscitate her. Cynthia’s mother gently put a hand on his shoulder as if telling him that Cynthia was dead and there was nothing they could do.

For more emotion, I would write this:

Cynthia's father turned the body over in disbelief - hands trembling. The center of his world, his baby girl, dead? She couldn't be. He frantically tried to resuscitate her unable to accept how cold and stiff her body was. Tears streaming down her face Cynthia's mother gently put a hand on his shoulder; it was the only way she could tell him that there was no hope because of the lump in her throat.

I'm not sure if that really explains what I mean. I'm not sure how to, but do you see how their is more emotion?

Besides that there are a few grammar problems, but that can wait until the final draft. Overall this is greatly improved from the first time I read it! Great work!

I hope I helped,

-Calli