z

Young Writers Society


Wolves and dragons



User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 792
Reviews: 6
Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:20 am
LoneWolf161 says...



Chapter 1
As I lay in my bed I was thinking could we run from guardians any longer and then thats when I heard her scream, I pulled the sheets off and ran to her side "Lissa wake up come on wake up" as she slowly woke up she looked into my eyes "did I wake you up kat" "no I was already a wake" as I looked into her eyes I saw it
"How long since you last feed"
She looked away "about a day"
She looked back at me and then looked away again I could tell she was lying.
"Don’t try lying to me.”
As she looked at me her eyes were sad.
"About a week"
I looked at her shocked "why didn't you tell me"
"you were busy" I looked towards the window "who gives a damn" I quietly tied my hair up and sat next to her I had teeth marks on my neck trust me she's not a vampire she's an angel and angels need blood because they turn to dragons and they wouldn't transform because they need blood to transform.
'Kat I don't want to hurt you any more" "you will not I promise" she leaned down and had a quick drink it had a joy and bliss to it a dragons saliva has drugs in it "are you ok Kat" I felt really dizzy "yeah am fine I just need to lay down" as I laid down I heard something taping on the window I got up and walked to the window "moon get in here" I opened the window moon was my pet owl, you see guardians either get hawks or an owl and angels get dogs or cats.
As I looked out to see if anyone saw, I could see a man standing under a tree I could tell he was a guardian I stepped back "damn" as I grabbed a jumper for lissa and me, I grabbed our bags and ran down stairs lissa was on her laptop "lissa we have to go" she turned to look at me "but why" "because I saw one" as she turned back to her laptop and packed it up "get the keys"
as we left the door we started to ran to the 4 block were the car was 2 blocks down a man stepped in front of us, he was a male because he had a hawk on his shoulder you see male get hawks and females get owls I stepped back to protect lissa, the other guardians came and surrounded us, lissa's cat was in lissa's arms hissing at them "Am Dimitri Beli..." he had almost touching he's shoulder length hair and aqua coloured eyes, than my voice cut him off "you are not taking her any were near that school" I went to punch him but he just fling me off like a fly "don't attack me" he luckily caught my shoulder so I didn't hit into a wall "STOP" we all turned to see who it was, it was Lissa "Kat stop it, stop fighting them it's not helping" I can see that she was holding back tears some other guardians grabbed me so that guy could talk to her "I am Dimitri Belikov, I am here to take you back princess, to St.Dragomir" she looked at me and my owl "Kat didn't mean to attack you she was only protecting me" he turned he's head to me and then turned back to her "well you will be protected back at the schools gound".
As we got on to one of the schools private jets, lissa and I were talking to each other "please put miss Hathaway at the back of the jet please I don't want them to make a new plan to escape" I looked how the hell was I going to fight 15 guardians and get off a jet while in the air they quickly had taken me to the back of the jet .
"Moon fly to lissa and see how she is" I whispered to her, you see guardians could see into their hawks or owls as Moon fly towards the front I quickly slipped into her head she landed on Lissa's shoulder "hello Moon" it was Lissa that Dimitri guy sitting next to her "i am guessing she belongs to Kat"
"yeah Kat and Moon have a strong relationship” he looked at Moon “then why does she came to you Vailisa" she didn't say anything because he got up and walked to the...BACK OF THE JET...I quickly went back to my own head as he sat next to me, up close he was actually pretty cute and Moon had just landed on my shoulder "your pretty brave” I looked at him "what do you mean"
"you protected her even though we were guardians" I looked out the window "well you can't trust anyone".
The jet landed and we could be escaping if we sat next to each other, I ran up to Dimitri "so comrade are you taking us to Titiana" "headmistress Titiana" I put my hand in my pockets "whatever she's still a bitch" he looked at me with a shocked look, I stopped outside a door that lead into the main hall the guardians pushed me though the door, this is not happening as they lead us into the hall everyone was staring. I saw Lissa's old ex, he was holding a girls hand she was a thin girl with a dolly face. When she saw Lissa she hugged him, well when Mason saw Lissa his face lit up. As we left we walked up a flight of stairs into Titianas office she did look happy to see me ,she turned to Lissa and smiled "Princess we are so happy to see you safe and sound, and you Miss Hathaway how could you just get up and leave with the princess she could have been killed she is a now a rare Royal and the most rare dragon in the world" oh yeah I forgot to tell you Lissa is a gold dragon "She was not safe here she, was in danger here" she looked away "no she was not miss Hathaway" I quickly got up and guardians step towards me "you don't know that because you don't have a bond with her" I think I just pissed her off "you do not talk to me like that you will be guarded at all time" as I went to talk, someone said something first "that’s a bit harsh headmistress" I turned it was Dimitri "what she couldn't go back to classes she missed two years of it or are you going to teach her so she catches up" he looked at her and then me and Lissa "I guess I can do that" we all slowly left the room and went down stairs and I went to my room and sat on the bed. My two guardians were Alberta head of wolfs and that would be right Dimitri was the other. As I gave my necklace to Moon I turned to wolf form so did the other two, and oh god, did Dimitri look even cuter than ever. I started to get up to head to the bathroom and they followed me into the bathroom, Dimitri couldn't come in so Alberta had to come in as Moon gave my necklace I turned back "Alberta, why is it always you that you’re the first girl I talk to" she giggled "I don't know Kat you tell me" as we left the bathroom Dimitri was talking to another guardian a male, he had a huge hawk on his shoulder "ok see you later Dimitri” as we all turned back to wolfs I just had to ask "who was that" Dimitri looked at me "it's just someone that I have known since I got to the academy" as Alberta ran off to get to her class to teach so did Dimitri and me to my lesson with him. As we ran off to the gym I noticed he started to walk so did I "so comrade what are we doing" he didn't look at me "please don't call me comrade just call me Dimitri" "oh ok" as we entered he turned to guardian form again "today we are doing fist fighting nothing more".
As the next class came I had a couple of scars, Eddie walked over to me "so where did you get the scars from" I wasn't very happy because I got beat up " I was doing a lesson with that Belikov guy" "what Kat he’s like a badass everyone says he's a god" I had to say this I know I'm being a smartass but "I now I’m not dumb". As we headed off to start class I sat in the back with Eddie, Alberta started the lesson "get into a group of two" me and Eddie looked at each other.
We set up the mats "let’s see if you've been practicing while you've been away Kat" we both laughed "I will still beat your butt"
Well I soon found out that he could beat my butt because I hadn't been practicing that much.
I'm actually glad I’m back I get to see my friends again and I have a new instructor who is actually pretty sexy
  





User avatar
19 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 201
Reviews: 19
Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:16 am
irsyad23 says...



Hi... Here's to review...

First of all, I like the your idea of dragon and wolf, which was new. But I found there are many errors.

As I lay in my bed I was thinking could we run from guardians any longer and then thats when I heard her scream, I pulled the sheets off and ran to her side "Lissa wake up come on wake up" as she slowly woke up she looked into my eyes "did I wake you up kat" "no I was already a wake" as I looked into her eyes I saw it


I don't really understand this paragraph.

Maybe,

As I lay in my bed(comma) I was thinking about the oppurtunity for us to run from the guardians. Suddenly I heard a scream. I pulled the sheets off and ran to her side(fullstop)

"Lisa(comma) wake up! Come on, wake up!" She slowly woke up and looked into my eyes.

"Did I wake you up(comma) Kat(remember to use capital letter for name.)

"No, I already awake." I said, looking deeply into her eyes.


That's sounds better. Remember, make a new paragraph for each people as they talk. :)

She looked away "about a day"


Correction: She looked away(comma) "about a day(fullstop)"
Mind your punctuations. It affects readers mood.

For example, when you write,

I looked at her shocked "why didn't you tell me"


It's meaning is differ from this,

I looked at her, shocked. "Why didn't you tell me?" (Question mark)

The jet landed and we could be escaping if we sat next to each other, I ran up to Dimitri "so comrade are you taking us to Titiana" "headmistress Titiana" I put my hand in my pockets "whatever she's still a bitch" he looked at me with a shocked look, I stopped outside a door that lead into the main hall the guardians pushed me though the door, this is not happening as they lead us into the hall everyone was staring. I saw Lissa's old ex, he was holding a girls hand she was a thin girl with a dolly face. When she saw Lissa she hugged him, well when Mason saw Lissa his face lit up. As we left we walked up a flight of stairs into Titianas office she did look happy to see me ,she turned to Lissa and smiled "Princess we are so happy to see you safe and sound, and you Miss Hathaway how could you just get up and leave with the princess she could have been killed she is a now a rare Royal and the most rare dragon in the world" oh yeah I forgot to tell you Lissa is a gold dragon "She was not safe here she, was in danger here" she looked away "no she was not miss Hathaway" I quickly got up and guardians step towards me "you don't know that because you don't have a bond with her" I think I just pissed her off "you do not talk to me like that you will be guarded at all time" as I went to talk, someone said something first "that’s a bit harsh headmistress" I turned it was Dimitri "what she couldn't go back to classes she missed two years of it or are you going to teach her so she catches up" he looked at her and then me and Lissa "I guess I can do that" we all slowly left the room and went down stairs and I went to my room and sat on the bed. My two guardians were Alberta head of wolfs and that would be right Dimitri was the other. As I gave my necklace to Moon I turned to wolf form so did the other two, and oh god, did Dimitri look even cuter than ever. I started to get up to head to the bathroom and they followed me into the bathroom, Dimitri couldn't come in so Alberta had to come in as Moon gave my necklace I turned back "Alberta, why is it always you that you’re the first girl I talk to" she giggled "I don't know Kat you tell me" as we left the bathroom Dimitri was talking to another guardian a male, he had a huge hawk on his shoulder "ok see you later Dimitri” as we all turned back to wolfs I just had to ask "who was that" Dimitri looked at me "it's just someone that I have known since I got to the academy" as Alberta ran off to get to her class to teach so did Dimitri and me to my lesson with him. As we ran off to the gym I noticed he started to walk so did I "so comrade what are we doing" he didn't look at me "please don't call me comrade just call me Dimitri" "oh ok" as we entered he turned to guardian form again "today we are doing fist fighting nothing more".



This paragraph is so big. I am sure you can separate them.

I think thats all I wanted to review. You should improve your grammar and sentence structures. I suggest you check others works so you can see how stories are written.

Anyway, keep it up.

:)
If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. No matter how hard it is, just keep moving forward.
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 913
Reviews: 2
Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:27 am
tcgamergirl997 says...



i dont really care about grammar and i can read ur story, so far its really good!
--------------------------------
lalalalallllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalalallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalalalalalalalaallalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalalllallalaalalalaalalaljfiggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrignhrigjggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Even with a black heart. Everyone deserves a chance...
  








History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte