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Ellora/Chapter 1



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Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:22 am
21WhiteRoses says...



This was a strange place. Not like any other I'd been to before. Well, at least I don't think I had. It was a town that seemed to have once been very rich and thriving. Now, however, it was rundown and in shambles. Leaves and broken glass crunched beneath our feet as we made our way down its miserable streets. What could have brought down such a town? It must have been so beautiful in its prime. Now grungy, wicked-looking men and women were the only inhabitants. They hung out of abandoned shop windows and beckoned to us, offering bottles and glasses of some sort of crimson drink. I avoided their luring eyes and blocked out their inviting voices. Others in our group failed to resist. They walked over to the outstretched arms and took the glasses with hazy expressions on their faces. The man we followed did not stop to call those who'd left us back into the group. His black boots clanked loud and steadily against the wet ground.
“Let them drink.” He said with a reckless grin, “And darkness will embrace them warmly.” Most of the time this man kept a smile on his lips that seemed to me like a mask. I didn't know why I was following this man or where he would take us. I scarcely remembered anything that had happened before I found myself in his company. And I didn't bother stopping to consider any of this.
Darkness will embrace them warmly. I repeated silently to myself. Soon We came to a forest with a wide dirt road cutting through it. Moonlight spilled in between the branches of the towering trees. Everything was terribly still except for a frigid wind that caressed the air. Our group had been dwindled down to only seven including the man who never seemed to drop his smile. We had started with a group of thirteen. Soon the forest ended abruptly and we stood before a palace. I stared in awe for a moment, wondering what kind of people might live here. The doors were swung open for us and as we progressed towards the entrance a sharp voice rang out through the air. “Fool! What do you think you're doing?!” I stopped and stared back into the forest searching for the source of the voice. It was absolutely still and I decided I must have imagined it, because the others continued on calmly. I turned back around and walked forward through the massive doors. But that voice still haunted me and a chill crept down my spine. There was something very familiar about it.
Inside the palace we entered a throne room. At the end a man lounged in a high-backed throne. His long dirty-blonde hair was tied back behind his neck and dark circles surrounded his crystal blue eyes. His arm lazily held up his chin as he looked each of us over silently before saying, “Are these the only ones that made it?” The smiling man nodded and replied “Yes, The others proved dissatisfactory.”
“Very well then. Go ahead and take them to the servant's quarters.”
Another man came out and began to lead us down a hall. “ Wait,” The man in the throne said. He stood up and strode over to us. Placing a hand on my shoulder he said. “Leave this one.” He smiled down at me. “what is your name?”
“Ellora Sinclair.” I answered.
He nodded. “A lovely name. Mine is Ithicus. That is Risk, my assistant” He gestured to the smiling man. “You look thirsty, Miss Sinclair. Why don't I get you something to drink?” I stared up blankly at him. He smiled again and walked out of the room. Risk chuckled quietly behind me. Soon Ithicus reemerged with a glass of red liquid. “Drink.” He said with a voice like smoke as he handed it to me. I twirled the glass for a moment, watching the contents slosh around. Then I turned my eyes to Risk who nodded with encouragement. I brought the glass to my lips and tilted it. Its contents trickled down my throat. It was warm and salty. I coughed and dropped the glass which shattered loudly on the marble floor. My legs began to shake and I felt dizzy. I soon slipped into darkness.
Last edited by 21WhiteRoses on Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:38 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:50 am
Leahweird says...



Very mysterious. I just love the mood you set. You have a really good use of language.

One thing I would say is that you need to start new paragraphs for all your dialogue. i know it might looked to "spacy" but things get lost otherwise, and that would be a shame because the phrasing is exquisite.

“Let them drink, and darkness will embrace them warmly,” I love that.
  





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Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:12 pm
sandayselkie says...



Wow. Sweet. You really start this of with readers going "Right. What's going on?" sort of thing. I like it. Their is this whole mysterious aura mixed with suspicion over the two men and the crimson drink that sounds almost like blood. Love it. I agree with Leahweird. You need at least a new line with each dialogue. Besides from that, brilliant. Can't wait for the next part.
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

"That's the spirit. One part courage. Three parts fool"
Brom
  





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Fri Dec 02, 2011 2:38 am
ladymarmalade says...



Intriguing. I do agree with the paragraph spacing and your use of adjectives is wonderful but maybe a little over the top. A true writer knows when to describe something so vividly and clear without the use of a single one. All in all it was very solid and took my breath away. :)
  








You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author