Young Writers Society

Delem

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.
It’s easier to run. So, I was.
As I ran faster and faster, my pride and determination faded into my fear.
‘‘You’re running away’’.
This thought kept flashing through my mind, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. My instincts carried me forward, I could feel the hot blood rushing through me, and out of my arm. Tears made everything look blurry, and the ground was dug up so I kept tripping. I wasn’t looking down, but forward, hoping for safety across the line. Loss of concentration for barely a second made me trip once again, but this time I hit the ground with a painful landing on my wounded arm. I cried out in pain, but I knew I had to get up, quick. I rolled over, but was met with dead, white eyes. Fear ran through my body, hitting every nerve. I jumped to my feet and shifted away from the body in horror. There were bodies everywhere, on the ground, near the fence. Some were still holding onto their guns, one even had a grenade. Their skin was slowly turning dark, and shiny, as if they were covered in paint. I turned away, shuddering from their stare.
I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare, which has been absorbing me, and all the happiness around me for the past month. And I could do absolutely nothing about it, the situation spinned out of control weeks ago, and, sooner than I could react, I was lost in the arms of destiny.
I knew I had to get to safety, I wouldn’t get much further soon enough from all the blood loss, and I started running again.
It seemed I couldn’t hear a thing, I was deafened by the sounds around me. I ran past the faces I knew and didn’t know, and all of them staring into my eyes with hatred, anger, disappointment. To me, they all looked insane, blinded with rage and driven by fear. But I kept running. I didn’t want to turn back, I was afraid to see what I had left behind. I felt nothing, no pain, no tiredness. But I knew this was because the pain from my wound didn’t kick in yet, and my needs to survive were overriding all the fatigue.
‘‘You’re running away.’’
This was all I heard, all I thought of. Why was I running? Why? A part of me didn’t know why. All I knew was that I was trying to get away from this place. I couldn’t take it anymore. This wasn’t what I expected, what I went in here for. Everything around me twirled into disaster in a space of less than a month. My family, my love and my everything fell into darkness of fear. Suddenly, I remembered what it was like before the war. It wasn’t much better, but at least I knew I was safe when I stepped inside my house. I am in love, I had such high hopes, and all of it crashed into this. And here I am now, deserting. Running. Having tossed my gun aside, and turned my back on the enemy. I always thought I was strong, adventurous, and fearless. Oh, how wrong I was. I do not have the strength to pull the trigger on a living being, whether it be human or any other creature. Neither do I have the strength to stand up for what I believe. For the past month I have been obeying orders with no reason, no explanation. I just did what I was told, without even thinking why I was doing it. I was consumed with fear and I found safety in the eyes of the people who seemed like they knew what they were doing. I am such a fool...

My T-shirt was nearly all soaked because of all the blood that had come from my arm, I started to feel dizzy, but I managed to whip out my belt on the way and wrap it around the wound. I tripped again, and again, running past all those faces. Why was I running away? Was I...
‘‘Coward!!’’ I heard someone shout as I was running past the fence. Am I really a coward? Do cowards always run? Or was I just saving myself? I couldn’t stop myself, my mind somehow kept telling me I would die if I stopped, which wasn’t true but I believed it. I took the easy way, betraying all I’ve known. I tripped again, but this time slipping across the mud into a ditch.

I had hit my head pretty hard, so I passed out for what seemed like a couple of minutes, but when I opened my eyes, it was strangely quiet, and someone was sitting in front of me. It took quite a lot of strength for me to sit up. My legs felt numb, and my head was heavy, I’d stopped bleeding but the pain started kicking in. It was growing with my every move, stinging but stabbing inside me at the same time. I wiped my face, leaving mud marks all over it, then closed my eyes and blinked faster, trying to get all the dirt and tears out of my eyes, when I suddenly I saw the barrel of a gun facing me. I fell back, dragging myself helplessly out of the ditch. The man simply stood up and followed me up. I couldn’t stand up, but realised that this time I couldn’t escape - the man would not miss even if I wanted to run. The smoke had risen up into the sky which was already grey from ash, but now I could see more clearly. The ground was burnt out, and full of holes, there were guns and bodies everywhere. Their dark, congealed blood was getting sucked into the soil, and their eyes were open and blank, not seeing anything. It was truly a horrifying sight, and I felt myself wanting to throw up. The pain was growing stronger, and I found it harder to keep it under control.

I could hear footsteps in the distance, but otherwise it was too quiet. My ears were still blocked from all the sounds of war, the shells, the gunfire, and the screams of agony. I took a moment to stare at the man again. He could clearly see the fear in my eyes, but he pointed his gun upwards, ordering me to get up. I took the last of my strength to do so, and when I felt the ground under my feet again, the man spoke. His voice was low and hoarse, but full of disgust towards me.
‘‘You coward.’’
That word again. I could feel a droplet of sweat rolling down the side of my forehead, the blood became sticky and it was hard to separate my fingers. The controlling fear was slowly coming back as I stared into the barrel.
‘‘Why did you run?’’
There it was. I knew this question was to come up sometime. But I didn’t know the answer, so I simply said the truth:
‘‘I am terrified.’’
‘‘Then why are you here?’’
Another trick question. This time I took the time to think. The barrel of the gun was still pointed at me. At least he was aiming at the heart, it wouldn’t be a painful death. A shot and I would be gone. I shuddered at the thought, even though I was trying ever so hard to keep my fear controlled. I opened my mouth, slowly, and mumbled:
‘‘I had no choice.’’
I could immediately see that what I said was not the right answer. His eyes flashed anger, and I stepped away, once again trying to avoid the gun. The man, in turn stepped closer to me and replied:
‘‘Yes, you did. You knew what is going on. Why did you run?’’
As if I knew. Only I wished I knew what was going on. I didn’t have the chance to find out. Things turned out in such way that I was dragged into this war without even knowing why I was fighting. But I knew the punishment for deserting. I kept quiet this time, not knowing what to reply. The man was drilling me through with his cold, grey eyes, when I finally whispered, stuttering:
‘‘I thought I was going to fight holograms, not real people.’’
‘‘And why did you think this? We were attacked by an entire generation, wanting to destroy our race.’’
‘‘Were we?’’

As soon as the words slipped off my tongue, I knew that I had just crossed the line. Why did I say that? Why the hell did that slip out? The worst thing I could possibly do is speak my mind, and I had just done it. The pain in my arm was becoming unbearable, and all I could do is keep pushing it harder against my chest. The man kept staring, his finger moved closer to the trigger.
‘‘What evidence do you need, boy? Can’t you see? They feed on the souls of the hopeless. They get their energy from murdering us, they feed off our fears.’’
‘‘We can escape without losing hope, or lives.’’
I spoke more quietly now, keeping my head low, avoiding eye contact with, very possibly, my killer.
‘‘What do you know?! You know nothing. You want us to run away? Just like you, huh?’’
He was stepping closer towards me, but for some reason, my confidence kept growing. Maybe this was because I knew I was going to die anyways. I closed my eyes, ready for the shot, the last I’ll ever hear. The shot for being a coward. The shot for running away.
‘‘They will be happy to have your soul, you little bastard.’’

This was a really good story and since I'm a fellow fantasy writer and this an amazing story. I realize how hard it can be to write one of these because you have to go into detail and you did that. I enjoyed this very much and can't wait to read the next chapter. I liked your characters and was so into this story. Thanks for posting!

~Neonwriter <3

The opening of this book is so gripping i love it I am going to start by saying that i am sorry i didn't read this yesterday i just had a load of maths work to do :L but here i am now

I rolled over, but was met with dead, white eyes.

- i love this line. It's so dark and it has so much mystery in it

hatred, anger, disappointment

- i like the use of the list of three in this

I tripped again, and again, running past all those faces

-I would maybe try something a little different with this line to keep it with the excitement of the others maybe, "I kept tripping, into the seas of dead faces."

started kicking in

- This character seams well educated i would maybe trying something different to 'kicking in', "The pain stung in my arm" Is a possibility or maybe leave it out and just add it the next line.

That word again.

- i find this a very simple but effective line

i love this story it is so strong and so emotional but i think what it just needs clarifying is who the main character actually is. He talks about his family and his love but it is hard to relate to this character when you don't know who he is. I am going to read the next chapter now and maybe i'll understand more then

Hi there Polink,

A strange but unique story. I'm curious to see how the next chapters turn out. Alright, I won't say much here, so I'll go into the review,

Mistakes

It’s easier to run. So, I was.

Should be "It felt easier to run. So, I was."

my pride and determination faded into myfear.

My instincts carried me forward, I could feel the hot blood rushing through me

These should be two sentences. So, that should be a "period" not a "comma"

Loss of concentration for barely a second made me trip once again, but this time

As we are talking about a specific loss of concentration, add "the" in the beginning.

Fear ran through my body, hitting every nerve.

As fear came so quickly, write it as "Fear flashed through my body, hitting every nerve"

I wouldn’t get much further soon enough from all the blood loss, and I started running again.

Change this to, "I knew I wouldn't get much further with all the blood loss, so with renewed vigor, I started running again"

But I knew this was because the pain from my wound didn’t kick in yet

This should be "But I knew this was because the pain from my wound hasn't kicked in yet"

My family, my love and my everything fell into darkness of fear.

Correct this as, "My family, my love and everything that was mine, had fallen into the darkness of fear"

I am in love, I had such high hopes,

I was in love

and all of it crashed into this

I'm not sure if this is right phrase for it. Try something like, "and all of it were smashed aside by this" or "all of it were burned to ashes by the ravaging war"

I am such a fool...

Don't change the tense in the middle of the story. This should be "I was such a fool..."

I heard someone shout as I was running past the fence.

"as I ran past the fence"

stinging but and stabbing inside me at the same time.

His eyes flashed anger,

Flashed in anger

You knew what is going on.

You knew what was going on

Plot

I'm pleased with the plot, although I have no idea about the direction it is heading. But it's unique and not predictable and I congratulate you on that. But, as I'm not fully aware of the plot, I'll not comment on it in this chapter, but I'll definitely do it in the next few chapters.

Descriptions

You have pretty much excelled in this category. Because you knew exactly what you needed to show the reader and make him/her imagine that part in his/her mind. The interactions your main character had with the general environment is enough for the reader to envision the setting in their mind. But where you truly showed your colors in this category is by the descriptions on the sounds heard my the main character, what he sees, feels, and just plainly becoming an invisible connection between the reader and the world you created in the story. So, well done on that.

Character Description

Now as this is the first chapter, and also for the fact that you are focusing on the story here, I'll loosen my pincer hold on character descriptions, but they are needed and they help in major way to ensure that the reader knows what kind of a character you are talking about. It helps them visualize the character. So, for that you need physical descriptions. The character's age, skin tone, eyes, facial structure, hair colour, etc. But it should never be added in a bio-data type way. The addition of these should be smooth, like inserting an injection.

Punctuations

I usually don't dwell on this category, but for this story, I had to bring this topic up. I've noticed all around the story, that you've added commas where there should be period. This issue came up a lot of times, so I thought of giving a few key pointers about punctuations.

It's easy to see if you have made an error in punctuations, just by reading what you've written out loud. When it comes to commas and periods, you'd know you've made a mistake when you get out of breath before the end of the sentence. Periods are added to the break the flow and start on a new sentence which may or may not have any connection to the previous sentence. So, try leading out loud some long sentences and see where you may need a period and where you need a comma.

Don't try adding too many simple sentences and making a huge complex sentence. Because when you do that, the reader gets confused and has to read the same part a lot of times to comprehend the facts given.

Please see into this.

Title

I like your title, because it seems to match the story so far, and it also matches with the emotions of the main character. Well done.

Overall

This was a good start to the story and I'm interested to know what happens next. So keep writing.

Good luck

- C -

Hey Polinka! Here to review as requested! ^^ Sorry for taking so long, life's been busy!

First, some nit-picks:

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.

It’s easier to run. So, I was.

As I ran faster and faster, my pride and determination faded into my fear.

‘‘You’re running away’’.

I love all four of these lines, just not together. Each of them sounds like an opening line in and of itself. Here, they aren't very well tied together to make them appear a continuous stream of thought, and instead come off as disjointed and awkward. I'd say pick one (or two) and cut the rest. Or if you can find a way to tie them together better, make them flow better, that'd work.

I am in love, I had such high hopes, and all of it crashed into this. And here I am now, deserting. Running.

Here, and a few other places in the narration, the tense switches to present when the rest of the story is in past (aside from dialogue of course). It's best to stick with one tense throughout the narration of a story to avoid looking/sounding sloppy.

The only other grammar-type issue I picked up on is that you tend to be a little comma happy. A significant amount of the commas in the narration could be deleted entirely, or replaced with other forms of punctuation to garner the same/a better effect. Several points I noticed you seem to use commas to make ideas shorter and read quicker (to keep up the pace of the story), when simply breaking sentences into shorter sentences with periods instead could create the same effect and technically be more correct.
Here is a great article on punctuation. Check out the section on commas in particular, but the rest of it is great information as well. It's always great to mix up sentence structure when you write.

Overall
I really enjoyed this chapter. It's a great opening chapter in general. The main character is introduced in the midst of action (definite plus), and the reader is given just enough information to understand what is going on without being bogged down in info-dumps and boring lists of information and plot giveaway (super plus). I was engaged the entire time I was reading, and definitely am interested in reading more!

The one thing I would have liked to see more of in this chapter, though, would be more of a description of the environment. As of now, I don't have a very good picture of the setting (or a really solid picture of the main character either) which is an important aspect of a first chapter. It's best to introduce the setting as early as possible, so that the reader gets that in their read rather than a blank backdrop.

Other than that, great job! Sorry for taking so long to get a start on these chapters. Now I'm off to read the next one!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hi, Polinka!

Here as requested!

The good bits

Well, what can I say? This was a brilliant introduction to the story. You started off with a bang which was excellent! Consequently, I was gripped to this chapter. So many questions in my head - why on earth is he running? Why is he being called a coward? I could feel he was frightened and that's brilliant. As Lauren said, you introduced us to the story without letting us into boring details or... even worse... the all clichéd:

some dude wrote:Hi! I'm Delem. I look like ... I am... I was born on... I have 3 siblings... now, over to the story. Well, I was walking down the road during the war...

Well maybe I exaggerated that. But it was really good.

You really captured that moment for me. You put in the panic, the pain and how he hides in a ditch. It all seems like as if it was REAL and it wasn't a bad scene from a bad movie. I loved the emotion at the beginning. What also is good is that I notice that many books have a character willing to fight - this one it's the opposite. That way, it's not predictable.

Anyway, I'll just move on to the improvements which is the important bit. I think XD

Grammar - I'm not going to go into this as the others have covered everything I did notice this, however:

Maybe this was because I knew I was going to die anyways.

It should be anyway. I hear "anyways" a lot in colloquial language but never in formal writing. "Any" can often mean one (that's how I understand it) and adding the 's' making it plural ... to put it bluntly, messes it up. Grammatically it's incorrect - it's slang.

Description - I don't want to drag on about this as it's been mentioned but I feel in this scene that description is important where he's running away from war. Imagine you're in a war, what do your senses tell you? You can see the blood on the floor, things strewn etc. You can smell death in the air, etc. You very cleverly wove in some description in this so I have no doubt you can a bit more as well in this again.

Tenses - said in other reviews, but do watch out for them. Some paragraphs were in past tense and some were in present.

Overall

Overall, this was one fantastic opening chapter personally. As I mentioned earlier, you started with a bang which was great. I also love your writing style It left me hooked, especially at the end. Brilliant!

I'll check out the following chapters tomorrow perhaps as I have to sleep now. But well done

Keep writing!

Mac

Hola, sorry it took me a bit to get to this. I know you said I don't have to review the first couple chapters, but I'd like to anyways.

I'll start with nitpicks:

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.

Okay, I lied, this isn't a nitpick. I just wanted to point out that you have a good beginning. Simple, straight-forward, and it makes the reader want to know more, so nice job.
Now, nitpicks:

‘‘You’re running away’’.

Period's in the wrong spot, eh

This thought kept flashing through my mind, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

This is really nitpicky, but I thought I'd comment on it anyway. Using words like "just" and "kept" always seem to sound unprofessional to me. They can easily be substituted with other things, such as: "The thought continued flashing through my mind..." You know? As well, I would change "this" to "the".

My instincts carried me forward,(maybe a semi-colon or a period instead? This comma doesn't really work here) I could feel the hot blood rushing through me,(no comma needed) and out of my arm.

Tears made everything look blurry, and the ground was dug up so I kept tripping.

Try spicing this up a little more. From what I've noticed so far, your writing is verging on being bland. Add some spice.

Loss of concentration for barely a second made me trip once again, but this time I hit the ground with a painful landing on my wounded arm.

You're using the word "made" almost too often. Try mixing it up a little. Even though you're using it in slightly different ways, I can't help but notice. Also, I had to read the bolded bit a couple times before it made sense. At first I thought it didn't make sense, but I can see what you're trying to say now. I think it would work better if you switched it up a bit, maybe something along these lines: "I hit the ground hard, landing painfully on my wounded arm." Maybe not exactly that, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Something I'm beginning to notice as I'm reading is the bland, straightforward way you seem to be writing. Example:

There were bodies everywhere, on the ground, near the fence.

You could describe this so much more with such beautiful, haunting imagery. But, you don't. You have a lot of action going on, "I did this, I ran here, I did that," but not a whole lot of depth. I hope I'm making sense, sometimes I rant and rant and I later realize that no one could possibly understand. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that your story need more depth to it. Right now, it feel like a 2D image. Make it 3D.

And I could do absolutely nothing about it, the situation spinned out of control weeks ago, and, sooner than I could react, I was lost in the arms of destiny.

Pretty sure spinned isn't a word. Try "spun".

I ran past the faces I knew and didn’t know, and all of them staring into my eyes with hatred, anger, disappointment.

change it to "stared"

But I knew this was because the pain from my wound didn’t hadn't kicked in yet, and my needs to survive were overriding all the fatigue.

‘‘You’re running away.’’

Italicize this and the other one, it would feel more like a thought.

This was all I heard, all I thought of. Why was I running? Why? A part of me didn’t know why. All I knew was that I was trying to get away from this place. I couldn’t take it anymore.

You contradict yourself. Your character clearly knows why he's running, he wants to get away from it all.

My T-shirt was nearly all soaked because of all the blood that had come from my arm,(change the comma to a period) I started to feel dizzy, but I managed to whip out my belt on the way and wrap it around the wound.

‘‘Coward!!’’ I heard someone shout as I was running past the fence.

Use one exclamation mark

I had hit my head pretty hard, so I passed out for what seemed like a couple of minutes, but when I opened my eyes, it was strangely quiet, and someone was sitting in front of me. It took quite a lot of strength for me to sit up.

I find this a bit odd. He just hit his head, got knocked out, and you don't make it seem like it's a big deal. I imagine it doesn't happen that often, but you make it sound as ordinary as brushing your teeth.

It was truly a horrifying sight, and I felt myself wanting to throw up.

Makes sense. That sort of sight should be sickening, but the way you describe it doesn't make it seem so. From what I can see, you need more raw emotion in your writing. Sometimes it sounds rather monotone.

The pain in my arm was becoming unbearable, and all I could do is was keep pushing it harder against my chest.

That's about it for nitpicks.

The main gripe I have with this story is the bland way it's written. Don't get me wrong, the writing is decent, but it's very straightforward, very monotone and emotionless. I feel like you almost need to expand the vocabulary. Switch up some words, deepen some descriptions. I found that I had a hard time getting a clear image in my head. I don't want to sugar coat these reviews, I want to give you my straight-up thoughts, and I hope you don't take offence.

On another note, I found that your character ranted for too long about vague things. There's an entire paragraph talking about the confusion he's feeling towards running. It felt like too much, especially considering the lack of detail regarding it. You did the same thing regarding whether or not he's a coward. Though, the coward bit was easier to read, I would refine it, polish it up. That's exactly what this chapter needs - a good polishing. The plot is fantastic, so do your best to make the writing fantastic as well. Hope this did help, and I'll be getting to the next chapter as soon as I can. Ciao, m'dear



-repetitive (why am i running? am i coward?)