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The Descendants- Book 1 [1]



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355 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2099
Reviews: 355
Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:03 pm
LadySpark says...



SO! NaNo time! I already edited the first chapter. There are some lines that I was like GR. that doesn't work, but ya know. Not my best work, but it's okay. Reviews and Likes are appreciated! >> The club:http://youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=1527


The Descendants- Book 1
~.~ Lines on the Road ~.~


Chapter 1-
Avelyn Saga

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
~William Shakespeare

Avelyn rolled over, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and looking at the clock. Ugh. Twenty after seven. Who wakes up that early? Who? On a Saturday? She rolled her eyes, and sat up. Her mother was still pounding on her door shouting that she should get up, and look at the day. Avelyn stumbled over to the bathroom, and walked in, feeling the cold tile on her bare feet. She pulled off her pajamas and turned on the shower and hopped in. The water splashed on her skin, slowly waking her up by washing out her pores. Only mothers would wake their children up so early in the morning. To go to a stinking open house.
Why did they have to move anyway? Why couldn’t they stay in their comfortable home on the top of a hill? Why were they moving to New York City, of all places? Who the heck would do this to their daughter?
She began massaging shampoo through her hair, chewing on her lips. It’s not as if she didn’t know that this had been coming for awhile. A year? Almost a year and a half. She knew her dad was getting a new job. She knew they would have to move. But she had kept hoping...
She leaned back, letting the lukewarm water wash the soap suds away. It wasn’t going to happen. It couldn’t. She wanted to stay right here. Go to the same high school she always had. Go to the college she picked out when she was five. Have the life she was supposed to have led.
It’s not that she was popular and school and didn’t want to give it up. Okay, she was a little popular. Some people knew her, some didn’t. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to leave because she had someone tying her down. That was not at all the case. After the fiasco with Cole at the Prom, she didn’t think she’d date anyone again. She grabbed the bar of soap from the ledge and began rubbing it against a washcloth to make it soapy.
She closed her eyes, swaying slowly. She really needed to plug in some earbuds and listen to some calming music, and try not to be so stressed all the time.
After getting out of the shower, she dried her hair and put it in two braids. After pulling on a tee-shirt that had a rocket ship on the front and a black button up with it’s sleeves rolled up, black skinny jeans and boots, she stepped out of the bathroom, and grabbed her Allstar Weekend Hoodie.
When she come downstairs,her mom is standing there in nice jeans and a pink cashmere sweater that Avelyn had bought her for her birthday. Regret it much? Her mom smiled softly and reached out for her. Avelyn brushed past into the kitchen and grabbed a poptart from it’s box. It’s cherry of course.She’d never eat anything else.
As she sat there, munching on the sweet sugar, her dad walked in. For a change he was dressed in jeans without holes, that were a dark wash. He had on a blue button up, and his hair was the only thing that didn’t look nice. It was still spiky from sleep and then the shower. He had obviously forgotten to comb it.
He grins at Avelyn and mutters a rough “Hi.”
She ignored him. She was in no mood to talk to anyone in the household.
Her father shrugged and grabs some bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife. As he begun making a sandwich, Avelyn’s mother glanced at the clock.
“Hurry, Dear.” she said to the room at large, then disappeared into the living room.
Avelyn sighed. Leaving the second poptart untouched she ran upstairs to grab her purse, iPod and phone. Then she went back down the stairs again and got into the car. First.

Once her parents climb in, her mom smelling of Amazing Grace perfume and her dad’s hair combed, they’re on their way.
Instantly Avelyn grabbed her iPod and scrolls through the music, choosing an artist. Parachute.
She leans back, her phone sitting on her knee, not vibrating because it’s so dang early.
Closing her eyes, she tries to imagine a world where she’s not moving. Where she can stay home and be herself.

“Avelyn.”
Eyes flying open, Avelyn sat up, aware first that the car was not moving. Then aware that both her parents were turned around and looking at her.
“You slept all the way here,” Avelyn’s dad hissed, turning off the car and opening his door.
Avelyn’s music had long ago shut off, and she pulled the ear buds out, and stuck them in her bag. She pocketed her phone and jumped out of the car, swinging the door shut behind her.
She looked up at the house, and sighed. It was beautiful.
Brown brick, with white trim and a balcony. a wind around deck, three car garage, pool, this house had it all. Plus about three miles worth of property. with gazebos and gardens. She felt like she was going to faint. No way we can afford this place. No ever freaking way.
Her mom had wandered off, walking towards the pool. Her dad headed in the opposite direction, towards the garage and shed. Avelyn was left stranded, looking up in awe at the house.

“Hey.” said a voice from behind her.
She turned, and first, she was struck by how handsome the boy was. Second she was shocked that she noticed this first. Then she smiled. “Hi.”
His hair was cut ragged, the blond locks rebelliously askew. His eyes were blue, but in the light, they looked almost silver.
“I’m Eitan.” he said, putting his hands in his jean pockets.
“Avelyn.”

Eitan grinned at her, the grin taking up his entire face. Reminding Avelyn of the Chesire cat. She found herself smiling back.
“So your folks are looking at this place?” he asked, looking at her interestedly.
She nodded, making a face. “Unfortunately yes.”
He looked quizzically at her, and moved on. “Well, see ya around, Ave.”
She grinned. “Yeah. See ya, Ei.”
He winked at that nickname and was gone, seeming to disappear, with how fast he walked away.

Avelyn’s mother was walking across the lawn towards her. “Your father and I want it badly. Why don’t you come and see what would be your room?”

Avelyn followed her, still looking around for the guy with silver dust in his eyes...
Last edited by LadySpark on Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:12 pm, edited 4 times in total.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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27 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1648
Reviews: 27
Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:49 pm
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Starhunter says...



Hey!
Okay, so here are my thoughts..
I really like the voice you're using. It's very personal, and it's easy to connect with. I feel like I just met Avelyn and I already know personal things about her! :)
Most of the errorsI noticed aren't with the story itself; they're mostly with grammar.
Firstly, you should watch your comma placement. They shouldn't be used inbetween a subject and a verb, like you did in
She rolled her eyes, and sat up.
Avelyn (subject) is doing two things, so make sure you don't have a comma between them.
She rolled her eyes and sat up.

There were a several more of those, so you might want to read through it. Also, you can use them to list things instead of writing "and," like you did here
She pulled off her pajamas and turned on the shower and hopped in.

Secondly, make sure your sentences are full sentences. Your description of the house (and some other things) weren't really complete, and they kinda shatter the paragraph.
Third, make sure you keep the same tense. When Avelyn was going up the stairs (before going into the car) you suddenly shifted tenses, and it was kinda of confusing. Just keep an eye out for it!
All in all, though, you're doing a good job. Keep up the good work!
Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up.


If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it!
Wanna change the world?
There's nothing to it.
  





User avatar
27 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1648
Reviews: 27
Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:49 pm
Starhunter says...



Hey!
Okay, so here are my thoughts..
I really like the voice you're using. It's very personal, and it's easy to connect with. I feel like I just met Avelyn and I already know personal things about her! :)
Most of the errorsI noticed aren't with the story itself; they're mostly with grammar.
Firstly, you should watch your comma placement. They shouldn't be used inbetween a subject and a verb, like you did in
She rolled her eyes, and sat up.
Avelyn (subject) is doing two things, so make sure you don't have a comma between them.
She rolled her eyes and sat up.

There were a several more of those, so you might want to read through it. Also, you can use them to list things instead of writing "and," like you did here
She pulled off her pajamas and turned on the shower and hopped in.

Secondly, make sure your sentences are full sentences. Your description of the house (and some other things) weren't really complete, and they kinda shatter the paragraph.
Third, make sure you keep the same tense. When Avelyn was going up the stairs (before going into the car) you suddenly shifted tenses, and it was kinda of confusing. Just keep an eye out for it!
All in all, though, you're doing a good job. Keep up the good work!
Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up.


If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it!
Wanna change the world?
There's nothing to it.
  





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34 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 59
Reviews: 34
Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:03 pm
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RedMoon says...



I like this. Every story should have a good balance of ingredients (I won't list them all right now) and I say that you have got it all.
I didn't see any mistakes relating to the story, but there were a few grammar mistakes. Starhunter pretty much covered it all, though. Just fix those commas and you'll be set.
Can't wait to hear more. :D
Remember, God loves you!
  








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