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Dragonmaster Chapter 14: The Unicorn and Her Girl



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Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:48 pm
DakotaK says...



“Zavier?” I rolled over to face Victor. His face was covered in soot and he looked exhausted.
“Hmm?” I replied, listening to the rain softly patter on the canvas above us as we lay in the dirt resting. Victor had wanted to buy cots when he had purchased the tent but I had been reluctant since it would just weigh us down even further.
“Have you had any more dreams or ideas or something? I feel like we’re traveling to nothing. . . I mean if you had a better idea of where we were going I wouldn’t be so worried. But I mean, if this Gazenlag can’t even find them, how are we supposed to?” His eyes were closed and I could tell he’d been thinking hard on the subject for a while now.
“Victor, if I figure out something you’ll be the first to know. Trust me.” I tried to sound reassuring but failed miserably. It all felt so hopeless. At almost every village we passed there were signs of destruction.
Charred buildings-ashes blowing on the wind, and even a few of the villages had been completely deserted. The people had left in a hurry, leaving everything behind. We’d just left one such village a few hours ago. We’d looted the different store rooms and found adequate provisions and a meal. It felt wrong to steal, but the owners were either dead or long gone. Gazenlag had obviously gotten a quick start on his search for his daughters.
“We should really get some sleep, Victor. Please try not to worry.” I muttered quietly.
Victor nodded and turned away from me. He’d been grouchy ever since noon. I’d even caught him trying to smuggle a small ale casket when we’d pillaged the town this evening. I had to admit, I was worried about him.
Sleep came easily but it was a dreamless sleep and when Victor woke me in the morning I was more tired than I had been before I’d fallen asleep.
We rolled the small damp tent up and I cooked the dried bacon that I’d soaked last night. The fire wasn’t very big and the result wasn’t the best, but we ate it anyway before cleaning up the campsite as best as we could.
The sun had risen by the time we started out on the main road once more but it hadn’t had a chance to dry the mud which was still wet and fresh, leaving our footprints in our wake like four wheel tracks. It was a busy morning and the main road was crowded with carriages racing for last minute destinations.
“We should buy a pair of unicorns, Zavier; it would make the going way easier.” He was watching a carriage coming towards our direction. The pitch black Unicorns were frothing at the mouth as they chewed the bit and flinched as their master whipped them, urging them to go faster.
All white unicorns were sent to the Palace. If you were caught in the procession of one, even if it was rightfully yours, you would be punished for stealing since all white unicorns by law belonged to the king. Black unicorns were the next valuable. You couldn’t dye their wool but they were the largest of unicorns and had the softest down and best tasting milk. After that, all other colors were valued the same. Brown unicorns were the least valuable. They had no wool, gave curdled nasty milk, and were half the size of a black unicorn making them useless for cart pulling and heavy loads. Most unicorn breeders killed any brown colts that were born.
“Maybe, but no blacks, that’s too much.” I warned, watching as he stared at the galloping black unicorns in their majesty. He shrugged his shoulders then suddenly bent over double and let out a hacking cough that made my stomach churn.
“Are you alright, Victor?” I asked worriedly. He continued the lung-scraping cough and had to sit down on the side of the road before he finally stopped gagging.
“Victor, are you alright? Do you need to see a Healer?” My concern for him deepened as he quickly wiped the blood from his lips. He shook his head.
“No, must have been all this dirt or something.” He kicked at the road, spewing mud everywhere. He seemed fine now but I still worried. He stood and pushed me away as I attempted to help him to his feet and we continued on.
“The next town is Kingston. Let’s look around when we get there; they have the best stable there.” Victor spoke as if nothing had happened at all.
I was nervous; we were going to the Kings town. It was inside the First Wall. There were three walls. The Third wall surrounded the Palace, royal stables and kennels. The next wall went around that and was a whole town of Royalty and rich people. The First wall circled all that and included Kingston, a village of aspiring merchants and an assortment of the best craftsmen in the Diamond Rhombus. I worried that father and Earl might be there before remembering Earl had left for school a moon ago.
“Alright, just the stables, then let’s look around tomorrow. I don’t want to be out and about too much, there are bad people living in Kingston.” Victor scoffed.
“Zavier, there are bad people everywhere, not just in Kingston. Besides, define bad! I mean yes, the people in Kingston have a tendency to be pretty sketchy but that’s basically all the low life trying to rob the rich. We don’t look as if we have a silver to our name so we’ll be fine I’m sure,” Victor encouraged excitedly.
“I hope you’re right,” I muttered lowly, knowing most of my apprehension came from the fact that I had lived such a secluded life. Kingston was huge and I knew it would be a daunting task to force myself to enter its massive walls.



It was afternoon by the time we finally reached Kingston and I stared in awe at the magnificent bronze gates that stood open before us. They were intricately welded into a leafy vine pattern, beautiful yet sturdy enough to stay an army if it ever came to that. I followed behind Victor who seemed to sense my apprehension and so led the way. I was wary when we were stopped by a pair of husky looking guards who searched us but they quickly allowed us to pass through the high arching gates. Luckily Valsephony was still invisible to them and they weren’t too thorough in looking for a sword.
I let out a low whistle as we entered into Kingston and I knew anything here would probably cost us a fortune. The castle stood towering and magnificent in the suns glow. It would be amazing to live there. The white glistening walls shone bright, making it hard to look at, so I turned away.
Oddly enough Victor seemed to know his way around and headed straight to a long building which was recognizable as a stable. He found a greying old man who talked slowly and was hard to understand.
“We have five young fillies right now and two stallions. Just broke and imported from Canisha. You can buy any two you wish, sir.” It was all I could make out of his gnarled speech so gave up listening and at Victor’s bidding went to inspect the fillies.
I approached them slowly. They were nervous and scared, I could tell. There were three golden unicorns, all beautiful and lively. One of the other two was a bright glistening red and she was calm as I patted her neck. An ideal Unicorn.
The last filly was larger boned than the other four. She was an outcast from the kings stable, I could tell. She looked white yet had a dove grey undercoat when I blew on her. She also had soft grey patches on her hind quarters and body and a patch over one eye. She wasn’t nearly as calm as the sorrel and fear shown in her gaze. I was startled as the sound of soft sobs reached me. I was confused until I looked into the stables and saw that a teenage girl in a ratty dress was leaning up against the door crying.
“Hey.” I touched her softly on the shoulder and she startled, flinching away from me. She quickly rose to her feet and turned towards me. Her eyes were swollen and puffy, obviously she had been crying. Her blonde hair was filthy and she wore a maid’s outfit that was torn and dirtied.
“You’re going to buy her?” her voice shook, full of fear and I detected a hint of anger.
I shrugged. “I was thinking about it. Is there something wrong with that?”
The girl started bawling again and I couldn’t stand it. I reached over the stall door and gently grabbed her arm, tugging her hands away from her face.
“If you tell me what’s wrong I might be able to help you,” I offered quickly but she shook her head.
“It’s useless, no one will help me.” She sniffled then heaved a sigh. “They’re gonna sell my Dazer, Mister. She’s all I’ve ever had, ever since I ran away from home and started working here-” she sobbed, “and now they’re sellin her!” The girl was crying again and Dazer was nosing her, trying to comfort her. I tossed the girl the fraying rope halter and she almost dropped it.
“Put it on Dazer and bring her out here.” I demanded before the girl turned away from me, trying to hide her anger but slipped the halter onto the grey unicorn. She led her out slowly. I motioned for her to pass me the lead and she reluctantly did.
“Now put the other halter on the mare in the far stall, the pale yellow one, and bring her out here. I’m buying both of them.” I instructed. She looked slightly confused but quickly put the halter on the pale mare and led her out. I took both leads and led the unicorns over to the strange old man.
“I want to buy both of these unicorns, please.”
He stood from his sloping chair and leafed through his worn log.
“That will be eight gold coins please,” he rasped. I sighed and counted out eight hundred silvers to the disgust of the stable owner.
“Come here, girl,” I spoke, turning to face the teenage girl. She approached me, gaze full of fury. “What’s your name?” She seemed surprised.
“Sora Travis,” she replied stiffly.
“Come here, Sora.” I motioned for her to come to the side of the unicorn and she approached me slowly, obviously confused. When she was standing in front of me I gently grasped her around her small waist and hefted her onto Dazer’s back as she let out a squeak of surprise. I looped the lead around and passed them to her.
“Here, Sora-”
“I don’t know how I can thank you . . . what’s your name?” She cocked her head the way Sorena had done in the carriage and for the first time I realized-beneath the filth- they looked similar.
“It’s Zavier. I’m glad I could help.” Sora seemed to beam as I nodded before turning to leave around to the back of the stables where the old man was talking to Victor. The Wizard had a black stallion on a leather lead and had two soft leather saddles.
“There you are, Zavier, I was starting to worry, what took so long?” Victor inquired distractedly. I decide to not mention Dazer, knowing Victor would think it a waste of money.
“I couldn’t decide which one to buy. This one was five gold, how about him?” I nodded toward the young stallion.
“He was eight, but I think it was worth it.” He smiled, tossing one of the light saddles towards me. I caught it and strapped it onto the mare’s back. She was a glistening straw-yellow color and instead of a flaxen mane like the other two she had a stark black mane and tail. I inspected her back and found a line of black there. She had a laid back but curious attitude so far and seemed perfect for a long day of walking. She nickered and touched her horn to the palm of my hand in a sign of submission.
I felt a bit sorry for the two unicorns. They wouldn’t be fed any indigo like they were used to; they would just have to graze at night while they were staked out.
“Alright, Victor, let’s go eat, I’m famished,” I declared, embarrassed as my stomach growled ravenously. He nodded and passed the old man a fistful of silver in order to let us keep the unicorns there for the night.
This time I led the way and finally picked one of the cheaper of the expensive restaurants. The attendant was nice and seemed in desperate need for conversation since she wouldn’t leave us alone and kept starting up small conversations with Victor, which I kept killing quickly.
“I’ll take some stew and black bread,” I muttered meekly, glaring at Victor. She smiled and then turned to Victor and let out a giggle. Victor smiled and I kicked him. What a guy, he flirted with any girl that thought he was cute.
He let out a small cough when the toe of my boot made contact with his shin. “I’ll have the same.” He yawned and stretched back in his seat, then on a second thought took his cloak off. I guess all this showing off was making him a little too warm! I sneered in disgust.
I acted as soon as the girl left. “Why do have to be such a sucker for girls? Every time we’re near a crowd you have to go find an audience of girls and laugh and have a good time with them!” I demanded irritably. He sighed and looked at me dolefully.
“Zavier, Zavier. You don’t understand some things, I can see that. When you’re the type of guy the girls like, you can’t help but like the girls. Besides, because of all this journeying, I don’t get to meet anyone for more than a day. If I was settled down I’d be working for money so I could marry the girl of my dreams in a few years.” He smiled dully at me and I looked away.
“But, Victor, you’re not settled down, you’re not working, and you don’t have a girl of your dreams!” I exclaimed in exasperation. “Do you?” I added hastily, causing him to smile again.
“Na, I was just laying out the scenario for you, man.”
We sat there is silence, Victor thinking about girls and me thinking about our next destination.
Victor was humming and tapping the table when he gasped and sat upright the same second a hand came down and grabbed me by my once again lengthy hair.
“So, this is where you’ve been hiding, Zavier!” I recognized my father’s voice immediately. He yanked at my head backwards and I grunted in pain and rage.
“Get off!” I yelled as panic gripped me. How dare he humiliate me like this! I quickly twisted out of his clutch and turned to punch him in the face. He fell to the floor, his face a beet red of rage.
“Stupid boy-” his scream filled the tavern and I realized all eyes were on our brawl.
“Let’s get out of here, Victor,” I urged quickly, racing out of the restaurant as my father barreled to his feet and raged after us.
“That’s your old man!” Victor demanded as we sped across the hard packed earth towards the stables. I glanced back, out of breath, and realized we were gaining distance from the fuming man.
“Yeah-” I gasped, barely able to breathe. “We kind of hate each other if you can’t tell.” Victor let out a shaky laugh in reply.
We rushed to the stables and hurriedly tacked up the unicorns but I knew we’d never be fast enough. Moments after I’d cinched the mare’s saddle on I pulled her around the corner only to come face to face with my father.
“What do you want, anyways!” I demanded as he grabbed the reins of the pale mare.
“You, that’s what! How dare you leave me to do all the work at home. Then you go and try to kill your own brother after releasing his dragon-”
“Shut up! You have no right. And who’s killing who? I’ve been unconscious for a whole moon, healing from Earl’s pathetic death strike. If I’d wanted to kill him I would have finished that spoiled brat off that day in the square, but I don’t normally fight girls!” I interjected angrily, enraged by the fact that he seemed to believe that I had been the threat to Earl’s life.
“You’d better pack up this little gallivanting around and return home now!” He was drooling and the mare’s eyes were rolling nervously as she pranced around, trying to get away from my father’s grip.
“Why do you need help at all? You already traded Dal for that Wreeds boy you insufferable old man.” I mounted the mare in single fluid movement, kicking my father’s grip off` the reins in the process. I jabbed my heels into the unicorns flank and we were off, speeding towards the large brass gates.
“Guards, stop them!” My father was floundering after us, luckily too far away for the guards to hear him. The unicorn’s hooves pounded the cobblestones as we passed under the gateway and sped by the gate house. The unicorns gloried in the freedom and sped on for a long while neck to neck, racing one another. They made a good pair. Even though the stallion was larger and long legged, he was heavy while the mare was light and fast and kept up with Victor’s mount easily.
The days ride was long and the black stallion slowed long before the pale mare was even tired.




The moon glinted through the tent flap and I could hear the two Unicorns munching grass alongside the tent. I couldn’t sleep for fear of my father finding us and I knew Victor was dying to ask me if Earl was really my brother but thankfully he kept quiet. The night passed slowly and still, sleep didn’t come.







He is near. I follow their progress. He has a kind heart but is plagued by His father and prodigy brother. They are a day’s journey from Azure, the town we wait in. Maybe tomorrow will be the Day.





Last edited by DakotaK on Fri Aug 05, 2011 4:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

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Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:53 pm
TylynRae says...



Aww, this one was a bit sad for me when I read it. You're descriptions on the unicorns were really good. Especially when you were saying the value of each class of unicorn. Poor brown unicorns =[
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Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:31 pm
Calligraphy says...



Hi DakotaK! I haven't read the previous chapters of this so if I I'm not right about something just ignore me! One thing that would have been nice though if you posted a quick summary of what has happened in your novel previous to this chapter. This will help you to get more reviewers and those that do review will be able to give you more advice if the aren't confused about exactly what is going on.

Speaking of 'going on', a lot happened in this chapter. The problem with this it all seemed a bit rushed. You didn't give a lot of detail to any one subject. It kind of seemed like you had a list of what you wanted to happen in this chapter and then you just went from point to point. What I'm trying to say is, slow down. Don't necessarily describe a bunch of things, but if you gave the emotions of these two guys (?) that would be nice. What do they feel seeing the dad again and so on and so forth.

For example the part with the little girl seemed to over before it even started! Her story was rushed and then the horse just got handed over and that was that? And that brings me to another thing. If they don't have any jobs and they have been traveling for weeks how do they have enough money to just give away something that expensive? Maybe you explained this in chapters before, but it seems highly unlikely. You would think they wouldn't even be able to buy horses for themselves.

Another part I have questions with is the unicorn description paragraph. Yes, it is sad like tydecker777 said, but I don't think it is very realistic or thought through. My first question is about the 'wool' these unicorns have. Sheep have wool, not horses. Also, horses shed their hair so it never actually gets longer than an inch or two unless you are talking about their mane or tail. So, if you are making the unicorns like real horses at all then 'wool' isn't the right word at all.

My next question is about the brown unicorns. Supposedly if a brown unicorn is born then the breeders kill them because they have no wool or good milk. O.K, if brown unicorns are a breed of unicorn then you would only get a brown unicorn out of brown parents. If the brown unicorns aren't a a breed (and could have any color unicorn for a mom) then it would make no sense that they are the only ones with bad milk and no wool, because these traits are all genetics. If a unicorn had a white mom and was brown the brown unicorn would still have good milk and wool because it's parent did.

Another thing is if the brown unicorns are a breed and brown unicorns have only brown babies then why would the breeders even buy them in the first place because they would know that they weren't valuable. Also, almost every animal has a use. Even if people don't know it. So, I think you should redeem the brown unicorns a bit by giving them a purpose, even if the breeders don't care about it. I think that if you want this to be realistic then you need to tweak some things. Because right now it seems as if you made all this information up on the spot.

Besides that I think I would have to read more chapters of this to give you my opinion on the plot and such. If you want more reviews for me or you have any questions about this review just P.M. me. XD

Hope I helped,

Calli
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:24 pm
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DakotaK says...



Thank you everyone for reviewing: To Caligraphy: thanks for the in-depth review, just a few things:

One thing that would have been nice though if you posted a quick summary of what has happened in your novel previous to this chapter.


I have 60 chapters to this novel and I prefer spending my time editing them or writing new ones for a later novel. I'm not very good at writing summary's short and it would take way too long, lol.

And that brings me to another thing. If they don't have any jobs and they have been traveling for weeks how do they have enough money to just give away something that expensive?


Zavier started the journey with a very large sum of money and Victor earned a lot of money in Wayde while Zavier was unconscious, it is explained in earlier chapters.

Another part I have questions with is the unicorn description paragraph. Yes, it is sad like tydecker777 said, but I don't think it is very realistic or thought through. My first question is about the 'wool' these unicorns have. Sheep have wool, not horses. Also, horses shed their hair so it never actually gets longer than an inch or two unless you are talking about their mane or tail. So, if you are making the unicorns like real horses at all then 'wool' isn't the right word at all.

I have been around animals since I was a baby. My family has eight horses and we used to have thirty sheep, I know what wool is and no, this story isn't supposed to be realistic at all. These are unicorns and not horses. They are magical creatures and the black and white unicorns are much larger than a realistic horse. They have a single long horn on their forehead made from the same material as their hooves. They produce milk though they don't produce enough to have huge udders like dairy cattle, and their bellies are covered in a silky wool that is between 1-5" long.

My next question is about the brown unicorns. Supposedly if a brown unicorn is born then the breeders kill them because they have no wool or good milk. O.K, if brown unicorns are a breed of unicorn then you would only get a brown unicorn out of brown parents. If the brown unicorns aren't a a breed (and could have any color unicorn for a mom) then it would make no sense that they are the only ones with bad milk and no wool, because these traits are all genetics. If a unicorn had a white mom and was brown the brown unicorn would still have good milk and wool because it's parent did.

Unicorns are magical creatures as I mentioned earlier and in the story, like the dragons, their genes are magical so to speak and a brown unicorn can come from any combination of colors of unicorns, though there is somewhat stability that when breeding two unicorns the offspring will be one of the parents colors. The brown unicorn is a dud, or a genetic mistake, not a breed.


Another thing is if the brown unicorns are a breed and brown unicorns have only brown babies then why would the breeders even buy them in the first place because they would know that they weren't valuable. Also, almost every animal has a use. Even if people don't know it. So, I think you should redeem the brown unicorns a bit by giving them a purpose, even if the breeders don't care about it. I think that if you want this to be realistic then you need to tweak some things.

Since the brown unicorns are "mistakes" they serve no purpose for the use of man.


~Dakota Knight
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:19 am
StellaThomas says...



Hey Dakota! Stella here, planning on finishing what you've posted on this fine Review Day!

I. NITPICKS

We spent that night once again in a forest, though this time we had an oiled canvas tent that Victor had purchased. The rain softly pattered above us as we lay in the dirt resting. Victor had wanted to buy cots but I had been reluctant since it would just weigh us down even further.


My problem with this is that it's just telling the story. Show it to us. Start with the conversation. Thread all these things into it as you go. Telling us where they spent the night isn't that thrilling. Bring us directly into the story.

Now let’s get some sleep before it’s morning.”


This seems clunky.

I was nervous. Kingston was the Kings town.


Oh, really? Zav's a clever boy.

The large bronze gates were impressive. They were intricately welded into a leafy vine pattern. Victor led the way and we were stopped by a pair of husky looking guards who searched us before allowing us to pass through the high arching gates. I let out a low whistle. Anything here would probably cost us a fortune.


You could very easily tweak this so we're looking at them from Zavier's eyes more effectively.

She was probably about seventeen judging by how tall she was.


I wasn't aware this was ever much of a standard of a girl's age. I've been the same height since I was fourteen.

quickly before he grasped the Unicorns ear,


unicorn's. You do need to sort out your apostrophes, darling.

II. UNICORNS

Whee, unicorns. How lovely. The thing is, I don't know much about unicorns, but I know even less about horses. All these names you're giving to the colours- they mean nothing to me. I'd prefer to see the unicorns being described in their own right as creatures. As for the rankings, again, I found it a little strange. Like, I can't remember ever hearing about unicorns before. And now they have all these different uses and importances. If there's one word I'm going to put in here, it's clarify. I can't make any sense of the whole matter. The girl was definitely interesting, but other than that it just seemed a little bit of redundant world-building. Try and thread it into your characters themselves, and don't leave it out quite so starkly.

III. OVERALL

The scene with his father could definitely be stretched out in terms of tension. Other than that, as always just remember to keep the plot moving! What's good in here is really good :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:53 am
Rydia says...



Next chapter!

Line By Line

1.
“Zavier?” I rolled over to face Victor. His face [Maybe skin to avoid repeating face?] was covered in soot and he looked exhausted.


2. This feels like a big time skip and it's a shame you didn't let them come upon one of these villages first hand and show us their emotions, show us the change from a fun quest into a serious, dangerous one. I think you've skimmed too quickly over a very important passage and it's like turning the page to find that the story has leapt ahead without you.

3.
Sleep came easily but it was a dreamless sleep and when Victor woke me in the morning I was more tired than I had been before I’d fallen asleep.
Normally this works the other way around? When you have a dreamless sleep it's often because you've slept so deeply and so well that you don't remember a single dream you had. When you have light, troubles sleep you tend to remember the dreams more viviidly, especially if they were lucid ones. That can leave a person insanely tired. I know this is a fantasy so you have som free reiggn to play with things like that, but it's always easier to relate to and get involved with a fantasy that borrows from real life.

4. You tell us that aftr black unicorns, all the others are valued the same but then contradict yourself by saying the brown unicorns are the least. Fix that. Also, it's a bit of a boring paragraph. Maybe this is somethin you could introduce through an attempt to purchase a unicorn or a discussion between the two boys?

5. Zavier shows a lot of interest in the red an then buys the yellow? Give a reason for his decision; what makes the yellow that he hasn't even looked at yet better than the red that he thought was 'ideal'?

6. Nice action scene at the end there.

The Girl

To say that this title is named for her, we get to see very little of the girl! She's there one moment, then he's putting her on a unicorn and she's riding off. Really? From what you suggested, she's reliant on her job at the stables for food, otherwise she wouldn't have had to part with her unicorn to the stable man. Also, what was the stable master's thoughts on Zavier buying the creature for her? There was no sense that he was annoyed or surprised or even indifferent. I'd have liked to see some sort of a reaction from him and just a longer scene there in general.

Overall

Not a bad chapter. You've got some interesting plots going on and some good dialogue. The father's appearance was a bit too obvious and coincidental for my liking. It would have been better to wait before having him show up again. Let us be looking for him around every corner and then have half given up before he comes dropping out of the sky.

Heather xxx
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