Young Writers Society

Chapter 7
Delem

He is a spirit, and cannot be trusted. Yet, he seems different. For a start, I can see him pretty clearly, as far as the mist allows me. I can’t see the others. I thought he said he woke from a coma? Then why isn’t he human? Still, he didn’t seem like one of the spirits who were meant to make me meet my destiny when I was tied up a couple of hours ago. I need to find out who this is. He was sitting further away from me, obviously not to start draining my emotions. I asked, quietly:
‘What’s your name?’
He turned his head, and answered:
‘I am Felix.’
His whole body was white, so it was hard to imagine him in colour, in real life, but he was certainly worn out and tired. Perfectly explainable, if his story about the coma is true.
‘Why can I see you, and the others are just like mist?’
‘I would love to answer all your questions, Delem, but I can’t.’
A sudden thought popped into my head: what if this Felix guy is someone from the army? But since when were they using spirits to be in the army? As far as I knew, the whole point of our army was defeating ones like them. I was beginning to get confused. I didn’t know what to think of this strange... being, whether I could trust him or not. I mean, at every point in given time he could take all my feelings away, leaving me in a grey outer shell. I even heard stories of people going insane after meeting ones like Felix. But what if...
‘I have no intention of doing you any harm. And I am not sent by the ones who intend to.’
Felix spoke, overriding my own thoughts. I replied, staring in amazement:
‘You can read minds?!’
‘No. But I can sense what you’re feeling, and I figured out the rest.’
‘Oh. Well, I’m not worried.’
‘You’re not. You’re terrified.’
I turned away. Felix was right. But this meant that I couldn’t even feel free in showing my emotions. But, I knew that beforehand. I knew spirits could feel fear, but I didn’t know they felt... everything. Still, I knew I could find out a lot from this spirit. He might even help me fight the others, but I can’t be sure of that. I concluded that Felix still remained a potential threat, but I needed to keep my thoughts neutral, and my emotions, too.

Felix stood up, and looked around, as if trying to see something through the deep mist. Then, he spoke, still not turning to me:
‘I think we should get going.’
‘Why? And, where?’
‘I have a very bad feeling. I feel a presence other than yours around me. And, I’m cold.’
I stared at him in awe. This guy was so strange, yet there was something about him which made me believe him.
‘How can you be cold?’
‘I think I have the same senses as you do. But I haven’t encountered many yet.’
I had no choice other than to follow him, still keeping my distance. I wouldn’t want to beg him to kill me once again - who knows, he might seize the opportunity next time. Once again, I felt angry at not knowing enough about spirits to know what Felix might do. In fact, a lot of us didn’t know about the spirits - all our knowledge of them consisted of rumours, and horrid tales from alleged ‘survivors’ of spirit attacks. The real facts rested inside the cement walls of the Sectors, which were in lockdown for a very long time, even before the war started. And, all my hopes of finding something out from Felix were useless - it didn’t seem like he knew what he was anyway. Once again, Felix’s voice interrupted my thoughts:
‘Do you know where we are?’
‘Ummm... Lanetown.’
‘I don’t know where that is.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Well, that’s useful...’
It would have been helpful if the mist cleared, even a tiny bit, but all I could see for miles is greyness.
‘Felix, can you fly?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Can you try?’
‘That’s the strangest question anyone has ever asked me, Delem. But I have only been in this state for about three hours, and I am too weak.’
‘Okay, I’m sorry.’
I continued walking, staring forward. I could almost see through Felix’s back as he dragged himself along the tarmac. His feet were about half a centimetre above the ground, but he wasn’t floating. His white hair swung from side to side, his arms dangling, his body frail and light. How can this guy be a threat to me? The more I looked at him, the more I knew he looked even more miserable than I did. But still, I supressed my anger at him, and at spirits altogether. That deep hate sat deep in my heart. Actually, I didn’t know why I hated them. They started an entire war against us, and killed us in our thousands, and left many more empty, emotionless creatures. But there was something about them that always stopped me from wanting them dead. My emotions conflicted sometimes, which only made me angrier. I wondered - can Felix feel all this? The hatred, the anger, restlessness?

Soon, we entered yet another abandoned city. I had no idea why the second area we’ve been in was left empty, but at least the mist was no longer creeping around us. The sun started to peek through the thick clouds, sending sun rays along the pavements. Felix lifted his head up to feel the sunlight on his face. His face lit up with happiness and warmth, even if some of the light shone through him, and back onto the ground. Still, it felt like he was absorbing the energy from the sun, like he never felt the sun’s touch before. For a second, I tried to imagine what it’s like to be in a coma for years. It must have been an agony beyond boundaries, especially if he could still feel everything around him... Who was he? Was he a son of a rich man? Or a poor, working-class man? Was his father a scientist, or an outcast, an army general? Suddenly, Felix spoke:
‘It’s so warm.... So wonderful’.
Only now I realised that he was standing with his eyes open, staring at the sun with no discomfort whatsoever. I answered:
‘Let’s hope it stays this way. You want to take a break, and think everything through? I just feel we’re going nowhere’.
‘Sure’.
Soon, we approached a building with a ‘Cafe’ sign on it. Unlike the previous area, the buildings weren’t broken down or bombed. The city just looked abandoned, as if the entire population was forced to flee. We came inside, and I sat at a table on the other side of the room, to avoid contact. Felix walked around for a while, studying the room. The sunlight grew stronger, enough to light the whole room. Some chairs were knocked over, but the tables were clean, and the bar was in perfect condition. It wasn’t a big room, but that enabled me to imagine what this place looked like when people were here. Felix slowly approached a chair, as if not knowing how to sit on one. Then, he turned around and lowered himself onto it. I could see the colour of the wood, washed out with white, through his chest. Felix wasn’t transparent, he could obviously feel and interact with objects, but his whole silhouette resembled a piece of thick white glass. He sat there and stared in front of him, obviously remembering the feelings he used to have. Silence ensued. Of course, after a while, I began to question him - I guess I wanted to find out about him as soon as possible. I still saw him as a threat, possibly.
‘Can I ask you a question, Felix?’
‘As long as you answer mine’, he answered, turning his big grey eyes towards me.
‘Ummm... do you remember who you were? I mean, before the coma?’
‘I don’t remember much. I remember my father, though. He visited me when I was in the hospital. He was a scientist... an investigator of spirits... Ironic, right? If only he could see me now...’
‘He’s not alive?’
‘I don’t know. There’s a war going on, I can’t be sure of anything.’
I was quite alarmed by his lack of emotion towards the life of his father. It almost seemed that he didn’t care if his parents were alive. Of course, he might have forgotten how it feels to care for someone...
‘Now, you answer my question.’
‘Okay.’
‘Why do you feel anger towards me?’
That caught me off guard. He knew all along, he knew my feelings all this time. But I knew I had to answer, I did want to keep in relatively good terms with this spirit, especially because in a fight with him - I didn’t stand a chance. I don’t think spirits can even die...
‘Well... I don’t feel anger towards you in particular, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that the war started because of the spirits...’
‘I thought that you said that you didn’t know the cause of the war’.
‘Yeah, but... All I know it was partly because of the spirits.’
‘I find it illogical to despise something you’re not sure should be.’
I fell silent. Felix kept staring at me, it was intimidating, but I knew his words carried a very important message. Seriously, who is this guy? How could he turn himself into a spirit? I was beginning to get confused, but even angrier at Felix, for some very odd reason. I was about to respond, when he stood up, and announced:
‘I sense fear...’
I leaned forward.
‘I’m not scared! I’m...’
Suddenly, he turned to the window, and cut me off with an even stranger phrase:
‘It’s not your fear.’

So, firstly, I haven't read the other chapters. (yet.) But, this seems pretty good, even standalone. I like Delem's tone, and your structure. It's very flowing and natural, and you don't overdo it on being jazzy with witty dialogue or whatnot, it's just conversational and realistic. It's really easy to believe your characters, even though one of them is a spirit. And on the topic of the spirit--I'm pleased, he doesn't seem to be the "woe is me, I'm immortal" type...he's got more substance than that. So good work on that part.

Now for what can be improved. Quotations are generally done like this "blah blah blah," she said. (or with no tag, the speech tag is optional.) A second thing, you use a lot of ...... 's (also called elipses) I don't mind these, per se, but they tend to convey less artistic writing and a lack of creativity when they're overused. I'd recommend asking one of the grammar nuts on here about the elipses, I'm no expert on them. Finally, well, your character seems to either have very severely blunted affect, that or you just don't like describing emotion. We have virtually no sense of what Delem is feeling. It really detracts from the scene and the suspense; he's an interesting guy in his repressed emotion, yes, but we need to see a little of it as he feels it before he manages to push it away. People who repress their emotions tend to feel a sharp sting of them and then push them away; they generally not completely flattened, unless they have a severe mental disorder. But other than these few very trivial things, it's quite good.

In fact, I must admit, I'm quite jealous, as you've developed the idea of a spirits-human war, which I had a scenario/plotting thing going on, which fizzled out a few years ago. Great job! I might just have to track down the other sections of it and read them too.

Hey Polinka! Here again for another review!

I really liked this chapter! I enjoy how Delem and Felix interact with each other. I also really really like the suspenseful ending you have going on in this chapter. It's handled very well, and makes me really want to read on! I also like how more of the plot is being explored/revealed to the reader, and how we sort of get to learn about the characters as they learn about each other.

He is a spirit, and cannot be trusted.

This is just a me question, and something I might know if I had recently read the first few chapters, but is Felix a spirit? Or does Delem just think he is? Really, what I want to know most is, what the heck is Felix? xD

Still, he didn’t seem like one of the spirits who were meant to make me meet my destiny when I was tied up a couple of hours ago.

Does this mean "kill me"? This language here seems just slightly too flowery that it feels unnatural. Delem seems to tend to think in a more poetic manner, but this felt like a bit of a stretch, even for him. And it stopped me in my reading, I had to think about it. Anything that kicks a reader out of a story is something that should perhaps be revisited and adjusted, since the reader is the one person you want as immersed in the story as possible.

‘Felix, can you fly?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Can you try?’

This isn't about this quoted bit in particular, but about most of the dialogue throughout this chapter (as well as in several other chapters) as it is mostly comprised of dialogue.

While you do a good job of presenting the dialogue in a way that it is easy to understand who is talking with, regardless of the lack of voice tags, this sort of dialogue makes the characters feel like talking heads. That is, when they speak I just imagine their heads floating and speaking to each other. I don't get much of a visual sense of where they are in relation to each other and their surroundings, how they move, how they act when they talk. Visual cues and body language reveal a lot about a person that words won't reveal (and is much more interesting than simply telling the reader what they are like). I would really like to see more action-y prose/description around these conversations, and in the story in general. For example, using this quoted portion above:

I turned toward Felix, glancing over his semi-transparent body. ‘Felix, can you fly?’

‘I don’t know.’ He gave a weak shrug without turning to look at me as he spoke, continuing his path down the road.

I picked up my pace, keeping my position beside him. ‘Can you try?’

I'm not saying that this is the specific description you ought to use, you certainly know the characters, scenes, and situations better than I do, but this is an example of what I mean. Now, the reader gets a sense of these characters feelings toward each other and toward their situation in a more physical sense. It allows a reader to draw more natural conclusions about the characters, rather than being presented with ways to feel about them in telling prose. Plus, it makes the story a good bit more interesting to read if there is a visual to go along with the audio, so to speak.

Other than that, another great chapter! Can't wait to get to the next one!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-