Young Writers Society

The next morning, Aysel tried to do the ritual. It had been nearly two days since the fire, and Acelynn wasn’t getting any better. Acelynn hadn’t had her ritual in that amount of time either. Before Aysel had even begun, a nurse had walked in and had thrown her out of Acelynn’s room. The same nurse who’d helped try to drag her out of the room just yesterday.
Aysel sighed in frustration as she sat in orange chair similar to the one in Acelynn’s room in the hall facing her room. Dr.Nelson had posted a nurse at the door to watch Aysel should she try to get in. If Aysel tried to get in, the nurse had permission to use the syringe filled with narcotics on her. Why did I have to get the doctor who knows how to handle the pesky visitors? Why? Aysel thought, looking toward the ceiling. Waiting for an answer that would never come.
When the nurse left to take a break, Aysel watched him turn the corner. Giving a finger wave as he looked back at her. Once he’d rounded the corner, and his footsteps faded Aysel rushed into Acelynn’s room. The vending machines were far down the hall, so it would take some time to get to the machines, buy a snack, and walk back to his post. Aysel let out a relived sigh when she saw that Acelynn was still breathing.
Acelynn’s dirty-blonde hair was pasted to her forehead with sweat, her eyes were closed and her breathing was ragged. Acelynn was alive, and that was all that mattered to Aysel at the moment. As Aysel approached the bed she heard Acelynn’s heart monitor’s beeping change in tempo as her heart rate plummeted to critical levels. This can’t be happening! Not when I’m so close. Aysel thought, the call button. Please, by all under the Luna, let me be able to save her!
Aysel ran over to the call button. All the while trying to keep an eye on the monitor. Acelynn flat lined and Aysel screamed as she pressed the call button. Praying that Acelynn could be helped, but knowing in the back of her mind that there was nothing anybody could do. Aysel struggled to remain calm as the heart monitor continued on with its uninterrupted noise. She pressed the call button franticly. Please be all right Ace. Please! Though Aysel knew that her blonde friend with emerald eyes was dead. Acelynn would no longer be there to pick out clothes, and to drive Aysel to the brink of insanity.
“Please, please, please hurry.” Aysel cried, tears stinging the corners of her eyes as the crash cart rolled in.
“Clear!” The head nurse shouted, placing the panels against Acelynn’s chest. The shock sent Acelynn’s body arching, but her heart remained still. Aysel felt a numbness come over her as they crash cart team tried again. Tears still streaked down her face, then stopped. Salty tracks the only sign that she’d cried. “Clear!” The nurse cried over and over again. Making it a chant against Aysel’s battered mind and body.
Aysel felt as if a line connecting her to Acelynn together had been like a rubber band. Instead of a painful break, it felt...wonderful. She felt freedom for the first time in years. Once more in control of her own life. Instead of having her life revolve around Acelynn and her schedule, Aysel could go do what she wanted for a change. She could go to Nico’s when she wished to see him. She’d no longer have to sneak around to see her Magie friends that were more real to her than the humans.
While Aysel had been rolling the ideas in her head Dr.Nelson had called Acelynn’s time of death. He turned to look at her.
“What are you doing in here Miss Erimentha?”
“I saw her flat line through the window on the door and I knew that the call button would be the fastest way to get you here.” Aysel said in a dead-pan voice.
Dr.Nelson frowned like he didn’t believe her, but he didn’t say anything. Aysel looked at her friend. They had known each other since childhood and now she was gone.
“May the Luna grace you friend.” Aysel whispered the Lunaforté goodbye to Acelynn. She had never said it to her before and this was for the best. “May She take you to Her side and treasure you.” Aysel thought the prayer for Acelynn as she walked away, through the door of the now deceased Acelynn Zephyr. Leaving Acelynn and her promise, now fulfilled, behind her. I will begin anew.



Mean while the police where trying to find the culprit who had set Paladin University’s West Wing on fire. They’d found signs of arson, though the department had told the media that this investigation was a normal measure that was taken for fires. The station was getting calls every five minutes or so from parents,students, and professors about the fire.
“Yes miss I know.”
The officer taking calls waited while the caller on the other end spoke. He had to hold the phone away from his ear as the caller shrieked in to the phone. A demand to know what was going on, and to snap to it to figure out what had happened.
“We’re working on it day and night gives us a break.”
While the vexed officer answered calls some one was investigating the crime scene. They found a lighter, and some one lurking at the crime scene; apparently looking for something, but the police didn’t have a clue as to what...
The man that was there had given the police the name Lion Slayer and said it was his name because he was a slayer of animals and humans. He thought to him self that this was annoying. He had gotten the idea to put on an I’m-so-tough-that-I-don’t-have-any-brains act to keep the heat off of his real intention.
“Lion Slayer won’t tell why he lit school!” he said in a tuff wrestler voice that sounded gruff. I should have thought of a different cover up, along with a different name. Lion Slayer is great though since it wont be in their databases, he smirked inwardly, though he was starting to get annoyed with the body he was in. It was as dumb as a stump and it was very difficult to concentrate for long periods of time before having his thoughts drift somewhere else. Not that he would complain but he really wanted to get back in his body.
“You must in order to not have to be cuffed to a metal desk, chair, and wall and go to your safe cell.” Said agent Morgan.
The chair, desk, and wall weren’t over kill, in his mind it was under kill. Ugh, he thought how irritating. If they’d leave me alone for just a few minutes I could get back to my body. Who knew playing dumb was so hard?
“Lion Slayer WON’T TELL!”
“Fine don’t tell, we’ll just keep you locked up here with no food or water for as long as you don’t tell.”
He thought about no food and water for days. That would weaken him and he planned to leave that very night. Not that it would be a problem since it was purely mental, but if he gave the wrong reactions they’d be more suspicious. Being weak would make that very difficult. An idea came to mind that would by him time to get out of this oaf’s body.
“Lion Slayer have question.”
“Yes what is it?”
“What if I tell some each day for some yum-yums and some water?” If they’re buying this they are truly nitwits.
“Let me ask the sheriff.”
He thought, yes I have them now. Knowing that they would do it for the information. Morgan went and asked the sheriff. Lion Slayer heard their argument and the eventual, inevitable yes. One slice of bread and one glass of water would be his meal. Morgan returned to him quickly and Lion Slayer assumed a I’m-Dumb look. Not very difficult with this body.
“He said yes but you will only get one slice of bread and a glass of water. The first thing you do though is spill the facts about the fire. Did you start it?”
“No. Me want’s bread and water before me starts talking.”
“Sorry I can’t do that. Now why were you there?”
He decided to lie some more, after all he had nothing to lose, this wasn’t his body and it would take the blame just fine. This would probably be typical of the idiot whose body he was in he mused. “Lion Slayer went there to get his girl friend. Me saw the fire and stayed out of fireman way. I didn’t want to get in way. After they put fire out, I look for my girl friend. She probably wondering where Lion Slayer is.” Yes-s-s-s my “girl friend”, he thought smugly, she will be “worried” if I don’t find her.
Agent Morgan looked like he was pondering his words. “Okay,” he said at last, he walked up and un-cuffed him. “Your free to go. If we see you again though we won’t let you go so easily.”
He smiled inwardly, nitwits the lot of them, he thought, they just let out a killer and they couldn’t even figure out what I am either. After all, humans couldn’t handle Lunaforté’s creatures; they would have killed them all. Let the hunt begin, he thought as he walked out of the Police Station.

Oh, Deathcurrent, I am intrigued. So very intrigued. A tiny bit confused, but considering that i haven't read the first post, that confusion is understandable. From what I gather, just so you know what I've understood, this guy here started the fire that put one of the two A's in serious condition, he's not entirely human and as indeed taken over someone's body, and there are more of these not-so-human creatures. Also, the world seems to be fairly modern alternate, with the police but the Magie and humans and other, less wholesome creatures threatened.

Again, so intriguing. Also, the ending of the third chapter makes me want to read more. It was ominous without being overly dramatic. I like that in my fiction.

Terms of critique. First, I recommend this to just about everyone, but, try reading your prose aloud to yourself. There were a few parts here where I stumbled or had to read something over, but I think you'll catch them if you read it out loud. Everything tends to sound perfect inside the skull. Kind of like how your voice sounds different on the telephone. If you really want to have fun, grab a pet and read the story to him or her. Goldfish tend to be the most cooperative.

A quick note on the super nitpicky end that I'm only mentioning because it was a recurring problem: compound words. They're written together, most of the time. 'Meanwhile', 'girlfriend' --there were others but I don't remember what they were. Again, no big deal. But just so you know.

I have one more structural comment. The beginning of the third chapter had me confused from structure rather than plot... Mainly, here:

While the vexed officer answered calls some one was investigating the crime scene. They found a lighter, and some one lurking at the crime scene; apparently looking for something, but the police didn’t have a clue as to what...

The man that was there had given the police the name Lion Slayer and said it was his name because he was a slayer of animals and humans. He thought to him self that this was annoying. He had gotten the idea to put on an I’m-so-tough-that-I-don’t-have-any-brains act to keep the heat off of his real intention.

It took me a long time to realize that 'the man that was there' was the man who'd be lurking around. Make that a little clearer, mayhaps? Also that the police had taken in the lurker for questioning.

Otherwise... I think my main comments are story-oriented. First, I was a little bit taken aback that it occurs to Aysel as her friend first dies that she's now free. I got the feeling their relationship was stronger from the vibe I got. It was just a bit odd. Maybe it shocks Aysel that she's suddenly thinking about how great it'll be to be free, because she knows she ought to be screaming and crying and despairing? The whole deal is intriguing and is worth deeper exploration.

The next comment is more comment than suggestion. It has to do with Lion Slayer's dialogue. I'm a linguistics major and dialogue nut, and occasionally Lion Slayer would use some complicated structures that someone as unintelligent as he's portraying would never use. Then again, though, he's playing stupid, and he doesn't have to be perfect at playing dumb. So, in a way, the dialogue was incredibly successful because it replicated what someone trying to play stupid would actually say. Thus, well done. If you did want it to be a flawless portrayal, and not just enough for the police to buy, then I could help you out.

Really, though. You've got a fabulous grip on pacing and balance and dialogue. Just read aloud to catch those rough patches, and watch spelling and the like. Most of all, keep writing more.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach