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Chapter Two: NaNo



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Mon Nov 07, 2011 3:16 pm
Soulkana says...



Chapter 2
Gazing up at the three moons once more, Nastusia drifts slowly in and out of sleep. The splinters of the wooden windowsill dig painfully into the wounds upon her back, causing stray tears to fall to her hand, unnoticed. As she pulls the rag kimono around her like a quilt blood seeps out of freshly created welts along her back and legs, painting the once white windowsill to a darker shade of almost black. Black with blood she has spilled over the past nine years.

With a soft groan of pain she shifts her position to face the circle within the room which still glows eerily with a bright gray light in contrast to the pitch darkness that was the ancient family library which had become her room when her brother was born. A scowl passes her face as she reflects on the so called family of hers. But soon it passes into a bright smile as she looks upon the intricate markings upon her left forearm. Tracing the beautiful mark she found herself back in time where she gazed upon her light, the only one who offered help when there was nothing left to hold onto.

Pushing away her thoughts to study the room with avid interest. Over the years the once dull room has changed into a room full of priceless heirlooms and trinkets of sentimental value. Perching upon her glass globe of the planets of the Ancient Realms is a raven whose eyes match her very own. It never left her side even around her family.

She smiles lightly at it knowing exactly who it is, but keeps silent. Pushing up against the windowsill Nastusia lands lightly on her feet which almost buckle at the sudden weight. Grasping hold of the side panel she leans back against the wall in agony.

Breathing heavily in attempt to lessen the pain she shakily starts walking towards the door. With the pace of a snail she finally reaches the door and with a tired sigh reluctantly opens the door to make her way to the kitchen to start breakfast. Touching the portrait door at the end of the long corridor she smiles warmly in greeting to her ancestor, Raven, who looks at her with motherly concern.

"Nastusia, shouldn't you be resting, child? Those wounds won't heal properly if you're up all the time." Raven frets with a hint of scolding.

"I'll be fine, mama." Nastusia murmurs while gazing longingly at the portrait. The background has always fascinated her and like a child being drawn to a new, more interesting toy she would sit just outside the corridor late at night to set her eyes upon the painting with the love of a child. The beautiful castle in the background seemed to pale in comparison to the beauty of her ancestor and her chosen familiar, Angelik, who is constantly running around his companion with such vigor that always makes Nastusia laugh with amusement.

The young foxia yips softly in greeting before running in circles around Raven who rolls her eyes but smiles fondly at the creature. Nastusia lets out a soft, tinkling laugh that causes Raven to glance up in surprise. Even though the foxia could make her laugh every time it is still a shock to hear the normally withdrawn child laugh so freely.

"It's still amazing to hear you laugh, little one." Raven comments softly as Nastusia leans lightly against the staircase to smile slightly up at her surrogate mother.

"You hear it everyday." Nastusia mildly retorts as she begins to head down the stairs. Just as she reaches the bottom she hears Raven shout after her.

"Try not to get into their way, ok?" The concern and blind fear in her town stops Nastusia cold.

"I will try not too.." She trails off as one of the more recent portraits shout out to her as she beings to walk past.

"Get away from us, akuma!" One of the random portraits shout as she walks past with her head bowed.

"My precious nephew should've gotten rid of you the day you were born! Why doesn't he just kill you I have yet to know!" Her great-aunt hollers so loudly it echoes within the corridors leading to the kitchen.

Coming into the kitchen she slams the door so hard it rattles the precariously stack of expensive tableware on top of the cabinet. Tears streaking down her face she moves slowly to the refrigerator. The outright abuse causing an oppressive aura to creep ever so slowly within her very life force. Pressing her hand tightly against the fridge door for balance she takes a deep breath. Focusing on her center and pushing everything else away she slowly let out a deep, exhausting sigh before pulling out some eggs, milk, and bacon with a sharp flick of her wrist and a hastily drawn rune within the air.

As the ingredients carefully are placed upon the counter she quickly pulls out the skillet and with another hastily crafted rune starts a small flame within the burner. As she begins cracking eggs and placing strips of bacon she feels the tingling sensation and then a wave of electrifying shocks course through her body as the collar turns on as her parents awaken.

Abandoning her preparation of the breakfast Nastusia's fingers claw at the necklace as she falls to a heap on the floor as her throat constricts as the airway is prevented from bring oxygen. Nails digging into flesh as her vision begins to cloud she dimly hears her younger sister, Aydan, cry out in fear, "Onee-chan! Daijoubu?!

Just as the pain dulls she felt her arm tingling with warmth and healing magic wash over her as she whispers weakly, "Is the food burning?"

Aydan stares petrified down at her big sister whose normally deathly pale face turn slowly from blue to red and back to an unhealthy pale. Tears streaming down both sisters' faces Aydan finally cries out the question that has been plaguing her since she had been able to realize just how badly treated her sister was, "Why is it only you? You didn't do anything, Onee-chan!"

Shaking her head feebly Nastusia gently wipes Aydan's tears away and soothingly speaks, "They just don't understand, sweets. What happens always has a consequence. They'll get they're punishment soon enough. Just stay away from them...don't incur their wrath. Whatever you do...if they hurt you..flee. Don't think just run as fast as you can, Imouto-chan."

Shivering as the nerve damage takes hold, Nastusia struggles to slowly pick herself up to fall down again. Groaning as her back hits the floor Nastusia blearily stares up at the ceiling as her vision once again begins to fade in and out. Twisting her hands tightly around the other slightly as her fear slowly grew as the presence of her parents begin to slowly creep closer to the kitchen.

Gritting her teeth tightly she forces her body to move as she slowly picks herself up off the floor. As her legs wobble underneath her she quickly flicks her wrist to draw a complex rune pattern within the air, mouthing words rapidly as she did so. Slowly the food begins to change. A few minutes later her parents walk in to see a large breakfast laid out upon the table and Nastusia on the verge of passing out.

Pushing herself upright Nastusia forces out respectfully, her eyes downcast as her voice echoes strangely in the room, "Is there anything else, My Lord and Lady?"

Their eyes glare harshly at her as the Lady, Asinga, pulls from her robes a thick rolled up parchment. Upon the top reads, "To Do List". Paling slightly Nastusia holds out her hand as if resigning to an execution. Placing it in her hand Asinga coldly dictates, "Tonight is our son's birthday party. This list shall be completed, correctly, or else there will be hell to pay. After that you will put on, " She pauses to inspect Nastusia's tattered clothes with disdain, "a more suitable attire so you may take the coats and belongings of our esteemed guests. Is. That. Clear?"

The last three words broken up slam hard into Nastusia whose dull eyes spark with a hint of defiance as she sneers, "Of course, madam." Her words strike like daggers and the woman snatches the front of her ancient kimono to hiss right in her face, "If you so much as mess this up for my baby, I will personally see it that you will never see those precious moons of yours again!"

With a quick toss of her arm, Asinga sends Nastusia across the kitchen and orders, "Get up and start that list. Now!"

Unable to stand from the now unbearable pain, Nastusia blushes furiously with indignation and embarrassment as she crawls slowly out of the kitchen and back into the corridor. Gasping for air she manages to slowly crawl her way to the bottom floor and into the closest where the supplies are kept when exhaustion finally claims it's hold and the world went black.

"How dare you fall asleep!! Because of your laziness I had to put up the decorations myself, you stupid girl!" Nastusia wakes roughly to the ranting shouts of her mother.

Head throbbing, Nastusia can only watch, dazedly as the woman roughly grabs her by the hair and lifts her clear off the ground, snarling, "I told you I wasn't going to let you live this down, brat. Voice Impurity."

Nastusia's eyes widen with terror at the password. The collar lets off a dark glow releasing a powerful electric shock to her vocal cords causing her to let out a blood curdling scream as she claws violently at her mother's hands.

Too traumatizing is the pain that Nastusia didn't notice that they were heading deep into the basement which leads to the dungeon of the old castle the manor had been built over. Tossing her ungracefully on the ground, Asinga walks out remarking, "My husband shall be in soon to...finish you off."

Shaking violently Nastusia rocks back and forth as she backs up into the far corner. Pulling the rags tightly around her, Nastusia shivers as the cold air slowly sap at her body heat. Pressing herself into the corner in desperate attempts to fade into the fall she watches the door with a sinking stomach.

Several hours past and with her stomach gnawing at her with hunger, Nastusia finally jerks to attention when the door slams open to reveal a very infuriated father. A whimper escapes her throat as she looks up at him before glancing down at the floor.

Each loud step he makes upon the dungeon's stone floor echoes hauntingly in her ears. Each step closer her chest tightens with fear as her throat constricts causing her to start hyperventilating. Gasping futilely for the precious oxygen for her mind Nastusia shoves him away in defense as he came within striking distance.

As she curls tightly into the corner the flash of silver passes beside her so quickly she barely registers the pain until a few seconds later as blood seeps from the cut on her shoulder. Tensing to gaze the wall beside her she spots a bloody dagger that has embedded itself within the wall.

Suddenly a series of similar daggers embed themselves within her body sending her over the edge of consciousness as he watches with sick joy as her blood soaks the stones below her. Looming over her unconscious form, Lord Redmoon pulls from his cloak a ceremonial dagger and places the first of a long set of dark runes upon her chest, just above her heart.

Pushing the dagger within her skin to carve the last rune within her flesh he pauses to take in the intoxicating addictive sight in front of him. Having been stretched out against the stone floor she had been lain in the roughest way. Through half closed she watches the last rune fall into place with a sense of foreboding penetrating her pain fogged mind while she closes her eyes and wills, almost second nature, for all the items within her room to store themselves within the mark upon her arm.

Suddenly as Aydan reaches the top of the stairs she watches with a sinking feeling as Raven's portrait vanishes along with her corridor and half the valuable items. Frightened she turns to race down the corridor when a voice stops her cold.

"You're sister is leaving, child. She has had enough of this family. She is in the dungeons if you wish to go with her or stay behind and be of use to her later on." An elderly man's portrait tells her as he draws runes within the air, explaining, "These runes shall keep the two of you together through your minds. Grow strong, young Aydan and serve the heir to the throne well."

A flash of light blinds Aydan as she slowly sinks to her knees as she hears deep within her mind her sister's torturing screams as the runes activate deep within her soul. Shaking violently with pain Nastusia A whimper escapes her throat as she looks up at him before glancing down at the floor.

For a few moments nothing happens and with her courage crumbling to dust she yanks one of the knives out of her thigh to snarl angrily, “What runes did you just put on me?!”

Smirking down at her he grins victoriously, "The rune upon your heart shall painfully shock your heart whenever the activation word is pronounced, no matter your location. The runes upon your throat shall slowly destroy your voice-box leaving you mute. Upon your soul I have placed rune blocks and energy drainers which will diminish your core till you're left dead. If they're not destroyed before your 20th birthday your precious heritage as the only hybrid Anciental shall mean nothing and Damien shal finally has his rightful rule as the Prince of Janena!"

As he finishes speaking a raven flutters down from the door which had been left ajar. Landing on the ground between the two it slowly changes shape to reveal a man with vibrant amethyst eyes hard with dislike and sheer hate. With a wicked grin he lunges at the father to spat venomously, "Not if I have anything to say about it! I will destroy them not matter what it takes."

Knocking the man over he turns to gently pick up Nastusia who whispers in disbelief, "Takeshi?"

The man, Takeshi, smiles warmly down at her as he moves towards the wall with no fear, "Yes. I told you when the phrase is spoken I would come. You do wish to be free of this family?" He asks firmly while fixing her father with a dark glare.

"Yes!" Nastusia nearly shouts panicking at the thought of him leaving her here with..with that monster called her father. Looking up at Takeshi with frightful, longing eyes she concedes vehemently, "I don't want to stay!"

"I know you don't, " He soothes gently before whispering softly, "Let's take you to my manor for now. Soon we shall begin the trip to the Academy. Someone of your power shouldn't be wasted by such irrelevant chores such as cooking."

Hands securing her to his chest he turns transparent and walks through the wall shouting to the father, "When I am done with you, you will wish you never laid a hand on my daughter."

His promise now delivered, Takeshi smiles slightly as he walks into the night. In his arms he cradles the girl he came to know as his second daughter with unconditional love sparking in his eyes as he made their way to her new home.
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:18 am
Evi says...



Hey Soulkana! I'll get to the Chapter One Rewrite, I promise, but it's easier for me to review something if it's posted on YWS.

The beginning befuddles me bit. Is she sleeping on the windowsill? A windowsill is generally considered to be the very thin frame beneath a window, but I think you might mean the ledge or shelf near a large window. And even then, why does she continue sleeping there if it leaves welts and draws blood from her back-- and even though it's splintered wood, I wouldn't imagine it would do much damage to her skin through her kimono. It would leave her sore and bruised, surely, but not literally make her bleed. Again, though-- why not choose the ground, which is just as hard but less splintered? Just clarify this image.

Next, I was also a little confused about Raven. I thought is was the raven speaking to her-- but it was the portrait?

Tears streaking down her face, she moves slowly to the refrigerator.


Whenever you use a phrase like this-- "___ing, she ____" be sure to include that comma. It makes sense if you read it aloud, I think, it's just difficult to remember. ;) And I think I mentioned this last time, but I still feel like you use this formula a bit more than you really should. Many paragraphs in a row start like this, and it becomes noticeable.

"How dare you fall asleep!! Because of your laziness I had to put up the decorations myself, you stupid girl!" Nastusia wakes roughly to the ranting shouts of her mother.


I understand the need for this mother to be evil, but I just have trouble reconciling myself to this level of cruelty. It's also the easy way out-- showing this blatant verbal abuse, throwing around words like "laziness" and "stupid." It gets the point across, but it makes this woman one-dimensional. And same thing with her father and his physical abuse-- it's just too obvious, and too awful to grasp. She is defined by hatred and meanness, and he his violence, which doesn't make for a very interesting character. Perhaps there's a way to make them more subtle. Maybe they bully Nastusia less obviously, but just as painfully. Explore different means to break someone's spirit.

And that is, I feel, the weakness of this section. It's just so awful and heartless-- those runes were despicable! --that it becomes difficult for readers to even relate to the situation anymore. And then Takeshi swoops in so easily and takes her away. These two extremes (such evil and then such an easy fix) are a bit jarring for readers, and difficult to wrap our minds around. I suggest watering both down. Bring down the abuse a notch to make it more believable; make it a bit more difficult for Takeshi to save her, or lengthen his arrival to include some more dialogue with Lord Redmoon. Then you'll have a better-rounded story.

As far as writing goes, you've made some improvements with lessening your description, but some phrases still feel stiff. This is something that will go away with practice and time, so I wouldn't worry about it-- just always be aware of how you string words together and make sure you always know what you're trying to say. Otherwise things get overly complicated and muddled. Again, I suggest reading aloud to get some sense of flow and pacing.

Good job, and keep writing! PM me for anything. ^_^

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  








We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead