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Dark Dance Prologue



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Sat Dec 10, 2011 11:53 pm
Xyra says...



Alianne Rai was married to James for five years before they had a child, but not for lack of effort.
She had gone to every doctor and feminine specialist. She had even considered adoption, but she desperately wanted a child of her own, a child shaped of her and James own DNA. For Alianne, this was her only dream.
Alianne went to her job as a secretary in James's office every day, but as the years wore on she grew more distracted. Her mother had told Alianne there was a family secret tucked into the family chandelier. It was time for her to return home.
She told James that she wanted to move to the country. It was only a few miles outside NYC, and it wouldn't be too far from his offices to commute. She told him it would be less stressful for her. Maybe she would finally conceive.
That won him over. He wanted a child even more than she.
The first day he left her home to unpack, Alianne didn't even wait for his car to start. She dragged one of the chairs in the dining room under the great crystal chandelier. Climbing up on it, she poked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary, no place to hide something special. Then she banged the base with her elbow as she started to climb down. It was hollow!
She jumped back onto the chair. Alianne tapped and smacked the base, all to no avail. Then she twisted it. The bottom ring fell away in her hand and a single sheet of paper fell out.
This is what it said:
Dear Child of the Rai~
If you have found this, your predecessor must have told you how important it is. Do not use it rashly. Think before you bargain. It-He-can hurt you badly. This is for emergencies only, for Diablo will not hesitate to kill you. Good luck, my child.
Asher Rai

Beneath this it showed a fancy script.
Serafina Rai
You wish to save your little Asher? Open the cellar at midnight. Draw a door with chalk in the precise center of the farthest wall. You shall come to me and make a bargain. He will live if you do as I say.
Diablo


Alianne's hands shook. Asher was her grandfather. Serafina was his mother, but she had disappeared when Asher was only three... Who was this Diablo? He was clearly dangerous. But if he could save a child, he could make one, surely?
Alianne's mind refused to let the idea go. A month later, when James was on a business trip, she decided to try it.
She darted into the cellar just before midnight, and pulled the white chalk from the pocket of James's old sweatshirt. She needed his scent and strength that night. She drew a large rectangle on the wall.
The chalk-door grew a handle, and opened of its own accord. She stepped through into a black hall lit only faintly by red lamps along one wall.
She felt like the corridor was miles long, though it took her barely a minute to come to the next door. She opened it herself this time. A court of pallid dancers halted mid swirl. A great zombie-like man sat on an obsidan throne at the other end of the room, surrounded by seven tiny black bassinets. Steeling herself, Alianne yelled,
"Diablo! I come to bargain with you!"
The regal zombie raised one eyebrow and scoffed at her. "Another Rai come to bargain for their child's life? Nay! You have no child."
"No, Diablo. That is what I come to ask of you. A child." Alianne held her head high. She refused to be scorned.
"Well. That is another thing altogether. And not without its price."
"I pay all debts. And I will not back away."
"I do require a dancing partner..." Diablo mused.
Alianne nearly burst out laughing. Asher had led her to believe he would ask for some dangerous thing. Not a dance partner.
"Done! I shall pay that debt this very night, and you shall make me fallow no more, but sown with Jame's seed." She spoke a different way from normal, she felt the need to be overmature.
Diablo scoffed again. "Surely you do not think one night will be all the payment I require? Seven years for that life. Each night you will come to me, and your husband shall not wake whilst you are gone. Take your bargain or leave my court forever."
Alianne was stunned, but no less eager to accept. She would have a child at last!
"Fine. Seven years, no more."
"Then come, my fine woman, and waltz with me. Your seven years start now."
James was thrilled when Alianne bevame pregnant. She never told him what the price had been. Yet he noted a change in her. Each morning she awoke tired, but he attributed it to the child within her.
Nine months later, Vera was born. The little family lived on quite happily for two years, and Alianne paid her debt night by night. But she grew unsatisfied. The next evening, she requested Diablo allow her another child. She did not even think when she accepted another seven years of dancing. Diana was born, with no ado.
Alianne could not seem to be sated in her wish for children. James was thrilled, he no longer mentioned having more. But Alianne felt she needed more. So she simply told Diablo she would dance another seven years for him. He nodded, and patted her belly. "Do not be gone long in child birth. I am looking forward to seventeen more tears with you."
That's how Vera got her third and fourth sisters, Tatia and Elisa. But Diablo was displeased by the twins. He felt cheated.
He demanded another seven years for the illicit extra child.
Alianne pleaded and begged, but nothing came of it. He gave her a choice. Add seven years to her debt, or die of a wasting disease within a month.
She stopped pleading, and thought. She wanted more children still. A plan struck her. She would give him more years than he could refuse.
"I will add thirty years."
Diablo sat stunned. "And HOW many more children do you want? Four? And a half?"
"No, three. It is a more than fair bargain."
"That it is. Done."
Alianne felt smug, until she gave birth to triplets. Her body was never made to support making another life. Making three caused her to become very sick. By the time Vera was ten, Alianne could barely get out of bed. Diablo had forced her to bring Vera, then Diana, as she had deteriorated to make up for it. Alianne died on the eleventh anniversary of her first deal.
Diablo forced Vera to bring all her siblings to his court each night. He retired to his throne, and his sons, now graduated from their bassinets, were their pallid dancing partners. Forty-one years of dancing lay ahead of them.
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 12:54 am
Boogie97 says...



this story was pretty good, except simple spelling errors. Just read it aloud and youll hear all the words mispelled. simple:)
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:45 am
Snoink says...



I saw that there was a prologue, so I clicked!

Now... er... this is in modern times! So, forgive me for saying this, but it seems a little bit odd because there are fertility treatments that parents can take before they resort to dealing with the devil. So, to make this more interesting, you may consider actually have the parents dealing with all those fertility treatments before they make this awful choice. Just a thought!

Also, you have this as your prologue, but I think that the first chapter may still be the better beginning to the chapter. This might be something that can be explained to the daughters later on through some cool plot twist. Just a thought! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:46 pm
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AlucardXD says...



Okay, so I thought this would be intriguing and it sounded quite good just by reading the title, and what do you know, I was right! I found that your title was probably the one thing to draw me in straight away, which is always the best thing a story can do. I did notice some simple spelling errors, but that's nothing that can't be fixed, and other than that I found no fault in your story. This is a very intriguing and mysterious prologue, and reaches all the correct criteria for a complete prologue, in my eyes, so I found this a very enjoyable read! Keep up the good work!
  








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