Young Writers Society

I wake to my own cries of despairing horror. Cold sweat flows from my skin and my tears are lying relentlessly on my face. Downstairs, I hear Mum shift position and then silence. I can’t help that she isn’t fazed by my screams. I scream almost every night because of the same interrupted nightmare.
I crawl off my bed, ripping my curtains apart, staring accusingly at the moon above. It is mid-spring and it is cold. The Canadian air is rarely consistent, I’ve noticed since moving last year. Bathed in moonlight, the flat plateau of dying grass stretches before me, leading the way to the small town that forces me to visit daily for school.

I peel off my tank top mercilessly, screwing it into a tight ball and throwing it to the clothes basket. I grab a black stretch top from my open chest of draws and pull it over me. By the time I climb back into the suspicious refuge of my bed, I can’t sleep.
It’s that night that I see him for the first time.
His skin is milky in the dulled light and the hollows where I assume his eyes hide, are darkened shadows. He wears a t-shirt, which I find strange for the current weather. His hair is a shock of brown, so dark that it takes all of my focus to register its true tone in the dim light. He is walking through tufts of grass mutely and it seems he’s staggering.
For a moment I consider him to be drunk, before remembering that this is not only four in the morning, but it is also Chetwynd, which says enough by itself.
It is a good three more barely-registered steps before he stumbles.
He falls very gracefully, I think, his arms flailing as if in slow motion, his legs dipping from beneath him.
I wait patiently for a whole second. No movement.
His body lies breathlessly on the coarse ground, his arms flung out beside him. He seems to be unconscious. Unconsciously waiting for something.

The moment the idea plants itself in my mind, it grows as primroses do on summer evenings back in Texas. I’m undoubtedly scared. The cold sweat shimmers down my spine again and I wonder briefly where this notorious audacity – or perhaps idiocy – has been inherited from.
The answer is deliberately painful.
My father, of course.
Whoever he was.

My fists clench at my sides in determination and without stopping to put on a jacket, I steal from my room and out the backdoor, terrified and unexplainably drawn. He’s closer than he had appeared from my bedroom window and even from where I stand, I can see that his arm is bleeding. I stop and stand where I am, petrified in the silence of the night, heavy clouds as my appraising audience.

Hello again! When I saw you posted something new, I just had to come by.

And... the emotion was here again. The whole nightmare thing gave me pause at first, since this is in fantasy novels and the character with the recurring nightmare thing is, well, a thing. But the emotion of it was here, and that helped. It also helped that you didn't go into the details of the nightmare right at the beginning.

Not to mention, we get hints at this daughter-mother relationship right off the bat, and you bring in her not knowing who her father is seamlessly and cleanly. And also build the relationship with her mother and father. So, in addition to getting emotion in early, you're also already building the relationships, without an ounce of telling. Which I love. So keep that up.

As with Unarmed, though, your language verges on the melodramatic here. The adverbs are everywhere--seriously, take out 4 out of every 5, only keeping them when they actually change the verb. Also, read this aloud to a mirror, a wall, a pet, a coerced sibling. Reading aloud will let you hear the words as they actually sound rather than how they sound in your head. (If you're really brave, record yourself saying it and play it back, or get a friend to read it aloud for you.)

Seriously, though, just from where I'm typing in the Quick Reply box, I can see "deliberately painful" and "lies breathlessly" and "undoubtedly scared." These adverb-adjective pairs make things seem richer, but they really don't say anything at all. They don't help the reader out, they don't build characterization. They just collect melodrama germs. How can the answer be deliberate? If she's undoubtedly scared, then she's scared and there's no need to say it's undoubted.

Especially because this is in first person. She knows what she's feeling, right?

Which brings me to my next point. This is first person. This means she's either narrating as things progress--and the present tense suggests this--or everything has already happen and she's reflecting on what happened a la a diary or journal.

If the second, you have more wiggle room, but because I suspect the first... Put yourself in your narrator's shoes. You look out your window and see this guy on the ground. You go to investigate. You see he's bleeding. Are you really thinking about the clouds watching you? Or is your heart pounding? Is the cold beginning to prickle your skin?

Right now, everything reads sort of distantly. As if she's watching herself do all this from the sky and can report on everything that's happen with a degree of objectivity. Which is maybe what you want. In which case, go for it. But if that wasn't what you were intending, and you're open to suggestions, I really would suggest immersing the reader in the immediate thoughts of the first person narrator.

It's sort of a surreal reading experience when you're completely in the head of the character, only getting the information that character knows, seeing things through that character's biases and faults and experiences, not getting the full story but rather a single perspective on it.

Now think I've rambled at you long enough, though. Again, if you've got questions or comments, you know where to find me!

Rach

Thanks Rach, that was helpful!
As for the melodramtic-ness, I suppose that's how I write. It's something I delight in - It's my writer's voice, if you like. I know it isn't always 'gramatically correct' or 'how it's done' but really, nothing ever is with creative writing, correct?

Also, you'll find that many novels are written in first person, present tense. I've never come across a fantasy novel, but hey it happens. Anyway, that aside, yes. Go outside, find yourself a bleeding man, come back inside and tell me what the weather was.
It's a girl. I mean; subconciously, we notice these things. If it were a boy: different story. But in my case, and my proof reader's case, it does happen.
Sorry that it seemed a little off the edge for you, though

The reason everything is being kept distant (as you'll find in future chapters) is that the chapters are in both the girl's perspective and the boy's. Yes, that isn't always done either, but I'm outside of the box anyway, so what the heck.
Basically, it's for a bigger impact as the truth of things start to become clear. I want the current mood of the novel to be just that - distant. She feels disconnected to the world, to her parents, to her school, to everything. I'm glad you pointed this out, because it's exactly what I wanted! I want the reader to subconciously feel just as she does, without putting it into words.

Thank you so much, it's so good to have a different perspective on this.

NightWriter x

If you like the melodramaticness, then by all means keep it . The main reason I advise against it is that...well, what happens when you get to a super dramatic scene? How are you going to up the drama if the standard is already at this level? (Maybe you have tricks up your sleeve, though.)

My other concern would be that both this narrator and the Unarmed narrator sound alike, and they're different people, right? Though they could both be melodramatic, true... hm.

If the distance is intentional, then definitely keep it. I'm biased because my POVs tend to be super intimate and stuff

As for present tense first person in fantasy, it's the current trend. I can think of at least four other YWSers using it at the moment (because it's awesome) and a handful of published YA. It's really just a question of how you utilize it to your advantage. But now that I know you have a clear vision and everything, I'm satisfied.

On a different note, though:

I'm glad you pointed this out, because it's exactly what I wanted! I want the reader to subconciously feel just as she does, without putting it into words.

That made my afternoon. I love that you have an articulated goal like that. So, go for it.

Also, now that I know what you're going for, I can tailor my reviews to be more helpful for ya.

Thanks for replying!

Thanks Rach again!

It's true that the narrator could sound similar to the one in Unarmed, but then, I wrote Unarmed at a different time, and plotwise, it's all very different. I will keep it in mind while I write though!

And yes, super-dramatic scenes?
Well...if you thought this was melodramatic Haha, it's not quite that shocking. I do have couple 'tricks' if you like.

Thanks for your detailed responses, they're really very helpful!

NightWriter x

NIGHT WRITER! How dare you post this fantastic writing AND NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT! *heart broken* That's really depressing . The next part you post you be sure you let me know and this time I shall be the first to review it MWAHAHAHAHA! Anywho! This is a very good piece, personally I love the melodramatics of it because that is exactly how I write. Or really how I live for that mater. My life is basically a melodrama .

So far again, you have me hooked. And I love all the adverbs everywhere you throw in here. Partially really because I am much more of a poet then a novelist and thats how I write everything, littered with adverbs. In my personal opinion it adds to the emotion, description, and everything you are trying to convey in your poem which is why I advise that you keep it in there but of course your decision.

Now plot wise. I like the distant feel to it because, as the title states, this is all related to a nightmare somehow, someway and we can all agree that dreams are basically an escape to a distant "dreamland" filled with your own imagination. Or at least that is my take on it. And so the distant feel adds in to how this has a dream like feel.

Now, agreeing with Rach, you should add a little more in like how is she feeling. What does the cold air feel like? Is she bare foot? Is her heart thumping at her chest constantly? Answer these questions and you will be well on your way to amazingness!

So far this is great and I really love it. TELL ME THE NEXT TIME YOU POST YOUR NEXT PIECE!!!!!!! Thanks so much! Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

I think you definately have a story here. And you do have potential for a good voice, but there's just ONE thing holding me back from loving this; your diction is FAR too dramatic. Now, I know having an expanded vocabular is particularly useful, but there are a number of parts to this piece that I just can't read seriously. Some places have a remedy as simple as letting things be, letting them just simply be whatever it is they are without throwing in overly dramatic adverbs and descriptions around it. I'm all for the flowery sometimes, but only if it makes sense, which in many cases here, it didn't. I think you definately have a good enough story going on [granted, I don't exactly know what's going on, but that's what's so great about it ], and your flow, structure, and in most cases, your diction, are strong and seem very capable of telling a good story.

But it's just that drama; it's too much. Your character, in that case, doesn't seem very real at all, and if she is, she is WAY too dramatic to be a relatable, likeable character.

NightWriter wrote:I wake to my own cries of despairing horror. "Despairing" is useless here. With a words like "cries" and "horror" you already have your tone established, and adding it just adds syllables, not substance.

I crawl off my bed, [dramatic] ripping my curtains apart,[why would you rip your curtains] staring accusingly at the moon above.[what did the moon do to you?] It is mid-spring and it is cold. The Canadian air is rarely consistent, I’ve noticed since moving last year. Bathed in moonlight, the flat plateau of dying grass stretches before me, leading the way to the small town that forces me to visit daily for school. [just seems too wordy for a seemingly pointless description of something.]

I peel off my tank top mercilessly,[dramatic, again. there's no need for "mercilessly," as your just describing how you're taking your tank top off. Unless that tank top and how you take it off is important to the story, I think you're just overthinking the simple things.]

His skin is milky in the dulled light and the hollows where I assume his eyes hide, are darkened shadows. He wears a t-shirt, which I find strange for the current weather. His hair is a shock of brown, so dark that it takes all of my focus to register its true tone in the dim light. He is walking through tufts of grass mutely and it seems he’s staggering.

After this is where I start to like the story because nothing feels forced here, as opposed to the previous. But writers do that most of the time, the first few parts aren't exactly what they're supposed to be and eventually they find their groove. It appears here you have begun to find your groove.

NightWriter wrote:Downstairs, I hear Mum shift position and then silence. I find it kind of hard to believe that she could hear her mother move from all the way upstairs. Unless the bed creaked, or she sniffed or coughed. Something loud enough to carry up into her room. I can’t help that she isn’t fazed by my screams. I scream almost every night because of the same interrupted nightmare.

I agree with the comments before me. This story is very melodramatic, and the words are fluffed up with a lot of adverbs, which are, for the most part, extraneous. But if you like it, then that's fine, of course. I particularly enjoyed the scene about her dad showing up. I have to tell you, for a second I thought it was a dream and she had gone back to sleep, because he seemed to just pop out of nowhere. Which is silly of me, because she specifically said, 'I can't sleep'.

Anyway, it left me curious to know more. Keep me posted

Thanks for that. Not her dad, but yeah.

NightWriter x

LOL, sorry about that. I was super tired yesterday >_< Can't believe I didn't catch that. Nice story btw, now I'm wondering who he is....