"..And and doesn't need to be capitalised, since it's not the beggining of a sentence they say that's why he was so much more insistent upon having the Parade. Every year he pushes it further, and one of these days something s *is bound to go wrong."
Another guard spoke up. dialougue, move to a new line here "The wars are coming too close to the Realm to be sure about our safety. There's always a chance these days that a mercenary will sneak in. They would only need a moment.." new lineShe heard him sigh deeply. lol, same thing here."They could slip by masses of commoners with no problem. And we just can t cover every part of the Realm, no matter how strategically the King deploys us.."
The first soldier interrupted. again...the whole 'move to a new line for dialougue. Or you could change the period to a comma."We have to take things one day at a time. Concentrate on the Royal Parade for today. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow."
So that's it! Crystalia thought. The Royal Parade is today! Oh, how she desperately longed to see it once again! Memories from three years ago streamed into her mind. She could taste the rare sweet treats, hear the crowd cheering for the entertainers, and feel the sense of awe in the air as the King and Queen paraded a mere half-dragonlength away. I like this paragraph
"Hey! What are you doing here?" should there be a 'The' here?enraged shouts were directed toward her. Realizing she had lingered too long, the girl leapt up, springing toward the darkened alley which led to her home. Hearing heavy footsteps still following her, she quickly changed her direction, instead sprinting into a wide street full of people waiting for the Parade to start. She wove her way through the crowd, ignoring the surprised protests as she mercilessly pushed her way through the masses. The rushing of noise threatened to overwhelm her senses, but Crystalia just focused on losing the guards long enough to sneak back to her house. She risked a glance over her shoulder. The guards were standing back at the edge of the crowd, engaged in a heated discussion with one another. Finally, one of the guards 'them' will suffice, you have already used the words 'the guards'. stalked off back toward the inner court. Hesitating momentarily, the second guard followed, but not without a final glance over the crowd. Then he, too, was on his way back to the castle. the previous sentence is unnessesary, because you had said 'the second guard followed.'Crystalia sighed in relief, then made her way back home, cautious that no one was following her. She took her time, not wanting to even consider what the reaction would be from her family when she walked in the door.
"Where is she?!" Vyselle growled yet again. Malkin and Tenik simultaneously rolled their eyes in response. "I'm going to kill her!"
"Now, Vyselle," Malkin spoke up, "she may have had a good reason to go out. However," he added hastily, seeing her venomous stare, "she will be punished for putting our family in danger. Rest assured of that, dear sister."
"I swear, Malkin, sometimes I feel like I m I'm the oldest here! Here Crystalia is off on her own, most likely getting in into might sound better...trouble, and you re you're...the ' againjust sitting here, not even trying to do anything about it! She will be the downfall of this family if she isn t I'm beggining to think this wasn't something you did...every ' has been cut out...I'll not comment on that anymorecontrolled, and you re supposed to be the head of the family! I don't see how we re going to make it to your sixteenth Season without getting caught. You know what will happen if the soldiers find us! We will be separated, beaten for our ignorance of the law, and who knows what! If you even think I will let that happen to this family-"
Her hysteric threats were cut short by the slow opening of the door. A small figure peeked around. Before Vyselle could reach their little sister, Malkin jumped in front of Crystalia and shielded her.
"Malkin, you said she would be punished. Since you obviously aren t responsible enough to be the head of this family.."
"Vyselle, that's enough!" Malkin snapped, advancing on his slightly younger sister. you can change the period there to a comma."I will let you insult me, but only so far. I've been providing for this family since our parents disappeared in the war! I protected all of you when the soldiers came, looking for orphans! I risked my life to keep this house so we would have shelter and memories of our parents. You have crossed the line, Vyselle," he finished, his voice dangerously soft. Vyselle stood motionless, still shocked by his mention of their parents. She knew he had taken it the hardest, since he was the oldest. He rarely mentioned them now, preferring to move on and leave memories behind.
Malkin then turned around to face the youngest member of the family. "Crysi, where were you?" he inquired, his voice kinder and softer.
Crystalia looked up, her face paled from the altercation. "I - I went for a walk, that's all.." She didn't think it wise to mention her encounter with the guards just yet.
Tenik snorted with disbelief. Both Crystalia and Malkin shot dangerous glances at him, then resumed their conversation.
"I want you to tell me next time when you're going somewhere, is that clear?"
"Yes, Malkin.."
He teasingly tousled his little sister's hair, then pulled her in for a hug. "I just don't want anything happening to you, Crys," he murmured, smiling fondly down at the young one. She looked up and smiled back, and they all joined Tenik at the table to eat.
Tenik took this opportunity to bring up the topic he was about to start before Vyselle had noticed Crysi's disappearance. "The King and Queen still haven t adopted children yet," he mentioned. It was a well-known fact that they had decided to adopt, rather than have their own children. They wanted to help the community. Malkin looked up.
"Still? I wonder what s taking them so long. They must be pretty picky about which 'what' or 'the' might sound better here. It really doesn't matter, tho qualities they want in a child."
"They probably want someone who's born with a crown on his head and has manners from the start," Vyselle said bitterly. They all laughed.
Crystalia chose this time to mention her findings. "The Royal Parade is today.. I was thinking maybe we could go watch it for once," she said meekly, knowing the chances were slim that her plan would be accepted.
"Is it really? It has been a long time since we've seen it," Malkin said thoughtfully. Crysi cut in before Vyselle had a chance to shoot it down.
"Yes, it has been! Please can we go, Malkin? The crowd will be huge; no one will know we're alone! Besides, you're only one Season off from being allowed to take care of us; you already look like you're old enough! We won't get caught, I promise!" the child pleaded.
Malkin couldn't help but smile at her innocent eagerness. He opened his mouth to say it wasn t possible, but then he closed it again. Astounded, he realized she had a point. The chances of them getting caught were extremely low. He looked at Vyselle and gave her a questioning look. this sounds a bit redundant. You alread said he looked at her. try simply 'He gave Vyselle a questioning look'
"Are you insane?" she shrieked. "It's far too dangerous! You're willing to take a child's word for it that we won't be caught? And what if we do get caught, what then? You know we'll be reprimanded by the soldiers, beaten, and then separated into different families or, at the very worst, dungeons! No," she exclaimed, slamming her fist down on the table to punctuate her decision, "I will not have you recklessly destroy this family!"
Crystalia suddenly got up, tears forming in her eyes, and ran toward the door. "I'm tired of hiding! We're Drykorians, we shouldn't have to live in fear! I'm going to see the parade!" With that, she was out the door, facing the unknown.
Malkin glared at Vyselle, making it known that he blamed her for this. Then he, too, was up and out the door. The sight of the crowd overwhelmed him at first. He fought the panic rising up in his chest, struggled against the urge to run back inside and remain invisible to the world. Nevertheless, he had to find his little sister. He heard his other siblings join him, and together they started searching for Crysi. Malkin spotted her running through the middle of the crowd and, grabbing his siblings' hands, he followed her.
"Crystalia! Crysi, slow down, girl!" he shouted, cautioning that his voice didn t rise too loud. When he finally caught up to her, he forcefully grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. He kneeled down and made her look him in the eyes. "Don t you ever pull anything like that again, do you hear me?" he hissed. Noting the frightened look on her face, he hugged and kissed her, trying to reassure her it was all right. To his right, a great commotion arose, and he stood up to see what could possibly bring on such a noise. He heard shouts of "There they are!" and "Look, the King and Queen!", and he gathered all three siblings to him. "We can stay to watch them, and then we re going straight back home, understand?" he said to the trio in his arms. Vyselle gave a disapproving look, but didn t try to protest. Malkin surveyed their position, and noted that they were a few rows from the front. We should be safe, he thought to himself, warily eyeing the fierce-looking guards all the same.
Crystalia joined the shouting as the Royal Family approached. They were drawing nearer every second. She could even see the glittering gems in Queen Agrytta's earrings, the intricate weavings on her crown! Both she and King Heronius were smiling, waving to random members in the crowd. Eventually they drew level with Crystalia and her family. The King turned his head in her direction, and she waved enthusiastically. He stopped, holding back the Queen as well. A hush fell over the crowd, such a contrast to the chaos happening seconds ago. Malkin suddenly pulled Crysi behind him and stood tall, trying to look the appropriate age. King Heronius whispered to the Queen, seeking her council, and both started walked toward the four of them. Malkin's heart thudded in his chest. He could feel the familiar knot of fear forming in his stomach, and it took everything he had to look the King in his eyes, indifferently, yet respectfully, and to stay put. How he wanted to run, to escape that curious gaze! Surely, they had been found out.. He waited, every moment growing slower as the King proceeded toward them. ooooh, suspense
Heronius walked briskly toward the four children, seeing nothing but their faces. Could these innocent young draclings really be the source of this amazing power? He stopped just short of them, and waited patiently as they bowed, eyes down. Feeling Agrytta at his side, he whispered fiercely into her ear, "We must interview them! I will not let this chance pass us by!" She nodded, then relayed the order to a nearby group of guards, who also nodded. Seizing the children, they dragged the young family roughly toward the castle, following the parade route they had just walked. "Careful!" the King cried out behind them. The guards made no acknowledgement of his plea, but they did slow down and tried not to jerk the struggling young ones more than necessary. King Heronius sighed, then turned around and led his wife back to the parade route. The celebration continued.
This is great, Crysi!!! I love it! I'm gonna go read chapter two
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