Young Writers Society

LOL: Well, you're mastery of the English language far exceeds mine!
Gosh, I haven't taken grammer for...err...four years, I believe. Two kinds of Grammer, A&B. Didn't know that. It makes sense, and I find myself writing both kinds. I knew there was a great difference, but I never thought there were 2 kinds of grammer. Not surprising, grammer is my weak spot in all the Assessment tests.

I'l have to take this book in steps, so here are my comments on part 1 of chapter 1:
first of all, it starts out pretty good except a couple of things. First off, the phrase "no disruptive winds and it was relatively warm, at least for this early in the year" sounds weird, and I think it would sound better if you changed the wording to avoid repeating the "no _______" phrase that you had the sentence before.

Also, when the guy says "something appears to be strange," it sounds like the guy is Mr. Obvious or something. Try saying either, "something is strange" or "something seems wrong" (or insert another word for wrong that fits better).

"They quickly split into three groups, working quickly." Subsitute one of the "quickly"s for another word. Or just get rid of "working quickly."

"may as well wait now we’re here" sounds like a word is missing.

"His name was Ravin and he was worried." Since these two facts are not related, they would sound better separated. You could even subsitute "tall leader" in the sentence before for Ravin, and people would probably know who you mean.

"A few weeks before Ravin had go on a similar mission, the instructions were simple, meet the contact, pay the money, receive the food, leave."
That sentence is really long and needs a different punctuation between "mission" and "the" since it's really two sentences and not one.

"The worst lie that Ravin had ever experienced. Yet, still, he was, but his own admittance, a selfish man." The first sentence is a fragment, and I think you meant "by," not "but."

Sorry, I don't have time to finish the rest right now, but I'll do it later. Great story so far!

Thanks for pointing out mistakes everyone!

I'll be working on changes sometime, when I get round to it.