Young Writers Society

I was not sure whether to put this in action or fantasy, because it is a cross between both.... So I ended up putting it in here.

Prologue updated and changed a lot!

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I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg. Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. These castle walls weren't as thick as others I have been to, but they were definitely thick enough.

“Calman, he’s…making decisions on his…he can do…” Mama’s steady voice came. Most people would think women should have soft, quiet voices, but Mama’s was hard and confident. She needed to be strong for the town, and keeping her voice was important in doing so, she had always said that.

I guess being the queen effects the way you live and act a lot. And wanting to be king. I heard my brother say a few words but couldn't catch what they were. And then it was quiet.

Knowing something was wrong I moved backward a foot or so right before the door flew open. Mama’s tall, delicate frame walked out. It was hard to see in the dim light, but I could tell that her waist long blonde hair had been braided and wrapped up in a bun.

My brother came out next, his bolder figure looking awkward and clumsy besides Mama. I watched the two turn their backs on me and walk away, holding my breath. They hadn’t found me! They continued walking down the hallway, Mama’s silver dress just barely brushing the floor; Calman’s robes trailing behind him.

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

“Zinthia! What are you doing out of bed?” I hissed. Her brown curls bounced as she reached up to tug at my sleeve, her eyes accusing.

“But you were out of bed too!” She whined, and I put a finger to her lips to quiet her. Looking back I swooped her up and started walking down the hallway.

“I know, Zin. But that doesn’t mean you can too.” Her curls tickled my neck as she laid her head on my shoulder and yawned.

“Can I sleep with you tonight, Ko?” She murmured drowsily. I smiled and nodded, noticing the teddy bear she was clutching against her breast. It was worn from so many years of wear and tear. It had been mine before, and before that it had been Lilli’s-my seventeen year old sister. Zinthia was the cutest girl I had ever seen. Her cheeks were just red enough, her eyes the right shade of brown to melt your heart.

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria. No one was. I closed my eyes and breathed in. The air had suddenly turned to glue at the thought of her. Which was why I mustn’t do that. Banishing the thoughts to the corners of my mind, I padded quietly past Lilli’s door.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

I stopped abruptly, almost passing my room. I crept inside and slid Zinthia under the covers, before snaking in besides her. She hugged the bear tighter and smiled happily. I smiled too, and stared out the window. The stars were like diamonds, scattered across a black canvas. The moon glowed a transparent blue, and it comforted me to know it was just up there, laying down a path for Valeria, guiding her safely home. Wherever she thought that was.

Well so far its pretty good. I was pleasantly surprised. There's not much I can say on what there is here except that its excellently written considering your age, with no typos that I could see.

Well done.

Thank you ^-^

Not much now... >.> I'm still working on it. I'll add more soon, though, so check back!

Nice job. Although I cant exactly tell what this is about or where its going (leaves me to think, I have a thought but due to the area of the post I'm probably wrong); or really What the characters are like. But maybe thats just due to the large amounts of caffeine i just had.

Didn't notice anything wrong, and what he said said.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote:Nice job. Although I cant exactly tell what this is about or where its going (leaves me to think, I have a thought but due to the area of the post I'm probably wrong); or really What the characters are like. But maybe thats just due to the large amounts of caffeine i just had.

Didn't notice anything wrong, and what he said said.

Well, like I said, it's just the beginning of something. Not too much going on or anything...everything will be explained within the next couple of paragraphs, if I am organized correctly.

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I crouched low to the ground, my back brushing against the wall. I forced myself to breathe, stay calm, and concentrate. Straining my ears I inched closer, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. The large wooden door was only a foot or so to my right. Swallowing I crept closer and pressed my ear at the crack between the door and the wall. Even then I could barely catch what they were saying.

I got the impression this was outside because of ‘ground’. I don’t know if you’d agree but if he is inside the house wouldn’t it be better to use ‘floor’? This indicates the characters are inside a building.

I narrowed my eyes and my upper lip curled up angrily at my brother. After Papa died, he had made himself comfortable in his position. But I refused to call him Papa. No, Pa was the most I would ever say. Papa had been tall like my mother, but not delicate. He had been strong.

Pa is the brother? So why is it that the boy won’t call him ‘papa’? He shouldn’t say it in the first place.

"Kohan?" A small voice behind me made me jump out of my skin.

Ach: repetition of me so close to each other. Take out the first one so it’ll be something like: A small voice from behind made me jump out of my skin. Or something to your liking.

Zin curled her arms around my neck and it comforted me, to know that she looked up to me.

Is the girl going to be called Zin the whole way throughout? If it is a pet name then you wouldn’t necessary need to add it in unless someone is talking with her otherwise it should be Zinthia.

It was a clear night, stars shining in the sky like diamonds that were scattered across a black canvas. I fell asleep that night watching the winter moon.

Replace ‘shining’ with ‘shone’.

I’m curious to know who this Valeria is/was and what happened to her. As a beginning it gives a short introduction to the character and his family so that’s good.

Thank you, Myth. I always look forward to your comments. Seriously, I do. They help very much.

This is a piece of chapter one that I'm still working. I wrote it up really quickly, but critique to death if you want. No really, please do.

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Chapter One – Memories

“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

And suddenly she started to grow taller and taller, her body thinning out until it disappeared completely. Another whine escaped my throat and then I was engulfed in the crowd. But it wasn’t a crowd of people anymore. They had all turned into water, into a vast, blue valley. I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

“Ko!” A voice screamed. One filled with tears and fear. Turning over onto my back I opened my eyes slightly.

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely. Zinthia was curled up at the end of the bed, her small body rocking back and forth, her head buried in her arms. Sitting up I tugged on one of her curls. “Zin? Zin, what’s wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded heavy and muffled, like I had a pillow over my face.

“M-Mama…” She sobbed, clutching my arm with both hands. I looked around and found that Teddy had been dropped onto the floor.

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms arounded the shaking body and kissed her nose. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

Smiling I slipped onto the cold wooden floor and pulled her out of the bed. She grabbed the bear and started sucking on his ear; one of her baby habits that she hadn’t gotten out of.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigourisly, the bear being whipped side to side along with her. “Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door. Checking that the hallway was clear I jogged down the hallway, her feet scurrying besides me. At the stairs I lifted her up and placed her on the railing, jumping in behind her, and pushed off.

Knowing the routine she let out s quiet giggle, but nothing more. If Pa found us we would be dead, he told us before that he wouldn’t tolerate us ruining the things that cost money. Papa had always let us slide down the railings. Sometimes he even joined in.

Grinning I steered Zinthia with me, leaning to the right at a curve and just before the railing ended I picked Zinthia up yet again and slid cleanly off, landing on my feet before tumbling backwards. We both fell to the ground laughing, but a small cough made me freeze up immediately.

“Didn’t we already discuss this? You aren’t allowed to do that without me!” I sat up and sighed in relief at the sight of my friend.

“Sanji!” Zinthia screeched with joy, leaping to her feet and hugging him. He put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at me.

“I came over to visit. Heard you had some mighty good food over here.” He eyed me, his eyebrows arching upwards. “Nice outfit.” He commented, and I looked down. I still had my brown sleeping pants on, with a messy white shirt. I had forgotten to change.

“Oh, I’d better go change before-“

“Planning to eat breakfast looking like a peasant?” I nearly bit my tongue off. Turning my head slightly I tried not to show my fear.

“No, I just forgot to change.” I said stiffly, narrowing my eyes. Pa’s hair was blonde, like Mama’s. It had been combed back cleanly. The sight of it made me want to rip it all out. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything I twisted sharply and leaped up the stairs two at a time. Dropping onto my bed I buried my face in the sheets and screamed.

I screamed until my throat hurt, and then I sat up and felt like a little girl. Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me. Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Pa,Lilly; my older sister, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

His name was not Pa. It was Cilmon. But he insisted we call him Papa.

We all call him Pa.

“Kohan?” Sanji peeked into my room and then walked in uncertainly. “Your mother told me to get you. Breakfast is waiting.” I didn’t even look at him. Pulling my pants up my legs I stared outside. My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, buttoning my shirt up.

“Oh, er, but your mother hasn’t…said…”

“When are you leaving?” I repeated, turning to look at him. He shrugged. Sighing I brushed past him and into the hallway. He kept pace with me.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli. She was the exact image of Mama, except she had bangs that hid her forehead. Her mouth was hidden behind her hand as it opened wide to yawn, and one of her closed eyes opened to look at me.

“Oh, Ko. You’re still going on about that traveling idea?” She rolled her eyes and I ignored her.

Broken Wings wrote:Thank you, Myth. I always look forward to your comments. Seriously, I do. They help very much.

You're most welcome. Hope this next critique helps.

*

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

Use a paragraph to separate the second time Kohan calls his sister. Its jumbled together at the moment.

I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

Eek. I didn’t like that ‘like gravity’ bit. I would have gone for something like: I thrashed and twisted, caught in the undertow. But it is really up to you what you change.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

Swelled means increase in size. So how can water swell into the lung? The lung would swell from the water. I’m not too sure, it was a little awkward for me. Wouldn’t it be: My lungs swelled from/with water.

What started fading into black? I know Kohan was dreaming but an explanation of what went black would be needed. Did he shut his eyes, was the dream losing its force, was the sky black?

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely.

You can do so much better with this sentence! You really can. Think about opening your eyes. What do you do when you wake up? If I was to write this sentence I would have chosen: I exposed my eyes to the world.

See how ‘exposed’ (or your chosen word) immediately puts ‘opened’ into the shadows. I banish that word!

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

Since she is cut short a longer dash is needed: —
If you don’t know the ALT code for that its Alt+0151

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

‘die’ should have apostrophes around it. By the way, what gives Zinthia this idea?

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms arounded the shaking body and kissed her nose.

Typo: arounded = around

Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

Keep dialogue in its own paragraph. Did you intentionally add the dashed between nonetheless? It looks weird but my dictionary accepts it.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigourisly, the bear being whipped side to side along with her.

Typo: vigourisly = vigorously.

“Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door.

A little wordy there. Simplify: I glanced around, then clasped her hand into mine and pushed through the door.

Knowing the routine she let out s quiet giggle, but nothing more.

Typo: Take out the s

Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me.

‘of’ missing between ‘couple’ and ‘times’.

Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Pa,Lilly; my older sister, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

Space needed before the name Lilly. If you don’t want too many commas in that sentence try a dash instead: That was Pa, Lilly—my older sister—and me.

This would be a good time to show the age difference between the three. For all I know Kohan could be eleven and Pa twenty-one.

Until this point I had thought Kohan was a peasant, that was a little unexpected as he didn’t really show any behaviour to indicate his rank. When I read it I was like “What the...?”

Even the maid only suggested a little wealth. You’d have to revise your work to leave tiny clues to prevent the reader thinking like I did.

My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

Ah. The village would be a town. The Royal would not live near a village, they are usually rural and towns are more commonly preferred. Plus the castle would be at its own distance, overlooking its surroundings probably, so it is not directly close for the publics view.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli.

Lilly or Lilli? Change one of the spellings.

I critiqued to death, as you requested. I’ve made a few points to which suggestions have been given. As it is not my work you can change things the way you want it to be expressed and use the hints as guides.

I’m still wondering what happened to Valeria. She could be alive somewhere (maybe running away from home) or she could have died.

To make this more effective, give descriptions of the castle. I had no idea they were a Royal family and that caused me to back away for a moment. They should have guards around the place, no one is going to be wandering around without seeing them (unless it is a private chamber or whatnot) and it is almost unbelievable. Right now, even though I have read they are prince/princess, I still think of them as a peasant family. So, improve on that.

How is this for a better prologue? I hope it pleases you a little more Myth!

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_____I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg. Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here. Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

“Calman, he’s…making decisions on his…he can do…” Mama’s steady voice came. Most people would think women should have soft, quiet voices, but Mama’s was hard and confident. She needed to be strong for the town, and keeping her voice was important in doing so, she had always said that.

I guess being the queen effects the way you live and act a lot. And wanting to be king. I heard my brother say a few words but couldn't catch what they were. And then it was quiet.

Knowing something was wrong I moved backward a foot or so right before the door flew open. Mama’s tall, delicate frame walked out. It was hard to see in the dim light, but I could tell that her waist long blonde hair had been braided and wrapped up in a bun.

My brother came out next, his bolder figure looking awkward and clumsy besides Mama. I watched the two turn their backs on me and walk away, holding my breath. They hadn’t found me! They continued walking down the hallway, Mama’s silver dress just barely brushing the floor; Calman’s robes trailing behind him.

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded against my rib cage and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

“Zinthia! What are you doing out of bed?” I hissed. Her brown curls bounced as she reached up to tug at my sleeve, her eyes accusing.

“But you were out of bed too!” She whined, and I put a finger to her lips to quiet her. Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

“I know, Zin. But that doesn’t mean you can too.” Her curls tickled my neck as she laid her head on my shoulder and yawned.

“Can I sleep with you tonight, Ko?” She murmured drowsily. I smiled and nodded, noticing the teddy bear she was clutching against her breast. It was worn from so many years of wear and tear. It had been mine before, and before that it had been Lilli’s-my seventeen year old sister. Zinthia was the cutest girl I had ever seen. Her cheeks were just red enough, her eyes the right shade of brown to melt your heart.

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria. No one was. I closed my eyes and breathed in. The air had suddenly turned to glue at the thought of her. Which was why I mustn’t do that. Banishing the thoughts to the corners of my mind, I padded quietly past Lilli’s door.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

I stopped abruptly, almost passing my room. I crept inside and slid Zinthia under the covers, before snaking in besides her. She hugged the bear tighter and smiled happily. I smiled too, and stared out the window. The stars were like diamonds, scattered across a black canvas. The moon glowed a transparent blue, and it comforted me to know it was just up there, laying down a path for Valeria, guiding her safely home. Wherever she thought that was.

=D

I'll move this to Fantasy Fiction.

I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg.

Don't use the word "cut", it implies that there is a physical cutting going on. This sentence is overly complicated, you take way too long to say "I crouched low to the cold stone floor."

You should keep in mind what the purpose of the sentence is so that you can communicate as efficently as possible.

Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here.

After thirteen years of living there, she would know that you can't hear anything through stone, unless it is really, really, REALLY loud. I think this whole passage is pointless. The general purpose of this passage seems to be "This castle has thick walls." So we're left thinking "How stupid does she think we are? Of course castles have thick walls." Next passage.

Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

This seems a mite awkward but I'll let it pass.

“Calman, he’s…making decisions on his…he can do…” Mama’s steady voice came. Most people would think women should have soft, quiet voices, but Mama’s was hard and confident. She needed to be strong for the town, and keeping her voice was important in doing so, she had always said that.

The dialogue completely kills the paragraph. How can we know that her mothers voice is steady if we can't hear the entire conversation? For words to be omitted (as an ellipse indicates) there must be a quiet conversation or one where some third noise is interrupting the protagonists hearing. Neither seems apparent. Give us the whole conversation.

“But you were out of bed too!” She whined, and I put a finger to her lips to quiet her. Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

Strong arms? This seems unnecessary. If the protagonist is able to pick her up, we'll assume that the protagonist has some strength. Also, you don't really make a clear mention of the gender of the protagonist.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

This is an info-dump paragraph. It contributes nothing to the story, just background information that has nothing to do with anything.

After thirteen years of living there, she would know that you can't hear anything through stone, unless it is really, really, REALLY loud. I think this whole passage is pointless. The general purpose of this passage seems to be "This castle has thick walls." So we're left thinking "How stupid does she think we are? Of course castles have thick walls."

True, I just need a way to display the fact that he is thirteen.

The dialogue completely kills the paragraph. How can we know that her mothers voice is steady if we can't hear the entire conversation? For words to be omitted (as an ellipse indicates) there must be a quiet conversation or one where some third noise is interrupting the protagonists hearing. Neither seems apparent. Give us the whole conversation.

Steady meaning confident, not loud and clear.

This is an info-dump paragraph. It contributes nothing to the story, just background information that has nothing to do with anything.

Aye, I thought that too while writing. But I need something to remind me of the characters and their background information. Otherwise I'd forget. Just keeping it in the story also reminded me that I need to put add atleast some of that information along the way.

I must say I am impressed. I can't remember whether or not I could write this well at age thirteen, but that is irrelevent. You definitely have me interested, and I would like to get to know these characters better. The plot will probably pick up as well once the story gets moving, so I (as usual) have no complaints. Good job!

Guess who's back?

*

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg.

What felt cold? The floor? I assumed it was a cold night, maybe you could make it clearer...?

Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here.

As you are referring to a certain castle use ‘the’. Keep numbers written down.

Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

Repetition of ‘door’. Try using doorframe instead.

My brother came out next, his bolder figure looking awkward and clumsy besides Mama.

The ‘looking’ bothered me, how about ‘looked’?

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded against my rib cage and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

Don’t introduce Zinthia using her age. Present her as his little sister as you did in the first prologue.

Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

You wouldn’t necessarily need the ‘strong’ there. She is five and does not weigh too much for someone to need strong arms.

It had been mine before, and before that it had been Lilli’s-my seventeen year old sister.

The dash should be a longer one: —

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria. No one was.

Eek! Cuter! Kohan is comparing Zinthia to Valeria so use ‘compare’ (or any other synonym). But her beauty could not be compared with Valeria’s.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. The air had suddenly turned to glue at the thought of her.

I don’t understand that. What kind of an atmosphere is it when it turns to glue? Give Kohan emotion to show this instead of commenting on the air, remember, characters are far more important than how you describe the atmosphere changing.

I would suggest something along the lines of: I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had gone stiff, my heart ached as the memories of Valeria unfolded before my eyes.

Make your words sparkle, draw your reader in and make them want to find out who this Valeria is and why Kohan feels this way towards her.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

‘acceptionally’ should be ‘exceptionally’.

You’ve gone overboard with the introduction of his siblings and then ‘pfft’ by adding on about his parents. When the character of his siblings enters a scene you should use age, description, etc. Right now the reader would not want to find out about the family just yet. At the moment Kohan and Zinthia exist, everyone else is in a locked box.

I stopped abruptly, almost passing my room. I crept inside and slid Zinthia under the covers, before snaking in besides her.

Missing sentence or so there. Kohan ‘almost’ passed his room? Now that is wrong. Try: I stood abruptly outside my room and I crept inside. Zinthia had already fallen asleep. I slid her into bed and climbed in beside her, and then I pulled the covers up.

A much improved version, Wings.

Try and keep the prologue concentrated on Kohan and don’t ramble on about the other members of his family unless they are present.

I’ve given examples as usually, which you may want to look at and change to suit whatever you want to write.

This lacked description. I’m talking about the location. Kohan’s room, the hallway/passage he is in whilst eavesdropping on his mum/brother’s conversation. This is a palace, where are the guards and is there anything to show that they are who you say they are? You are telling the reader that his mother is queen, show instead with little things as crowns, knights/guards, etc.

-- Myth