Young Writers Society

Here is my biblical reference for this story. (There is one for nearly all of them.) It's from Job in the old testament:

3:4 Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above,
neither let the light shine upon it.

3:5 Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; let a cloud dwell
upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it.

*****

Chapter One: Death of a Hero


Dead. After eighty-five years of life, Gregory Arbor was dead. Some assumed that old age killed him. The obituary column hadn’t mentioned the cause of death, and most found this peculiar after the initial shock wore off. Like the brain-washed drones of the government they were always accused of being, they didn’t question how he died, and went on with their lives leaving other more daring souls to wonder. Some of those more daring souls, in order to find something to argue over, thought that there had been a government conspiracy to cover up Arbor’s murder. This was not a common or popular theory for many reasons. One being that most people were afraid of what Arbor’s death could mean in such a risky political situation. Another reason was simply public fear of them being attacked next. After all, Gregory had always been a popular figure and no one who had lived in the past ten years had truly hated this kind, old war hero.

The only ones who would ever have dared to challenge such a man were the Veenoils, but they had all been dispatched a decade before so, in order to keep themselves from believing what they already knew to be true as people often do, they told themselves that there was nothing odd about Arbor’s death. He was still an important person in all of their lives, and the people were all deeply affected despite their deliberate denial. After his death, there was a general consensus between most people that all life would soon end and the Earth would stop spinning. However, the people moved on as they always do after a tragic death. They continued their lives. Odd, isn’t it how quickly one recovers when joy is before us? The fact that Gregory was killed just two days before the festival to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of the defeat of the Veenoils, who he had helped kill was odd as well. Odd, indeed.

*****

Trilamor was a word that brought feelings of pride in the magical world. Even if their world was hidden from normal humans, they were still overwhelmed with joy at the thought that they were superior. Places like Trilamor, a city hidden deep in the Appalachian Mountains, are marks of that superiority, marks of a once brilliant civilization that was destroyed by prejudice. There were other things that lent to the destruction of magical dominance, such as their own hatred of each other, but the main thing was humans’ hatred of them.

In fear, a much more advanced and dominant civilization buried itself from those who had killed its people and burned its leaders leaving only small remnants of the fact that it existed at all. The humans forgot. They forgot all of the trouble they had caused. They told themselves that those people had not really been witches, but were simply innocent victims, but magical beings could not forget or tell themselves that something else had happened. The damage was too deep for them to let go.

Neither hiding nor forgetting took away what had happened though. Some things cannot be forgotten, like elves. Once you’ve seen a pointy-eared Queeblah elf, you never forget the experience. Some things cannot be hidden from, like humans. Humans will keep searching for the supernatural and the unusual even if they don't know quite what they are searching for. If you are what the humans are searching for, they will find you or spend their entire life and savings trying.

Sometimes, when a group of witches made enough mistakes or a group of humans remembered enough, there were more killings or things leaked out. The ones who looked back on them didn't take them seriously though. There was an odd increase in these instances in the seventeenth century. No one believed that Parris had known what he was talking about (sometimes he hadn’t), but that was what they wanted to believe when they looked back on the happenings in Salem in 1692. No one wanted to believe that the “frisky” camel that was cavorting around Edinburgh in January 1659 was that peculiar, but it was. Sadly, it is unlikely that the damage that has been done, forgotten or otherwise, will ever be repaired. This is partly because of both group’s precious pride and partly because the wizards have other vendettas to settle, and these were vendettas that run just as deep.

*****

A.N. - I apologize about it being kind of short, but I promise that the chaps will get insanely long later on. I hope that you Scots liked the Edinburgh camel reference (that's classic). This title is cliche (I know), but I was having writer's block when I came up with it.

I did a little revising, changed some of the tenses, and edited a few of the sentences. I will tell more about Parris later in the story. That's about all I can say on that matter.
I hope that I didn't lose anyone in the references. I also hope that someone, ANYONE, will post about this story. I'm so unloved.

Ok, first up ...

No one believed that Parris had known what he was talking about (sometimes he hadn’t), but that was what they wanted to believe when they looked back upon 1692. No one wanted to believe that the “frisky” camel in Edinburgh in January 1659 was that peculiar, but it was.

You lost me in these references. I don't delve to deplt in history this recent, I find it more boring than Roman and Greek history, or the Dark ages. Basically I pay no attention to anything that happened between the invention of guns and about 20 years ago. So it might be my fault I don't know about these things. Bht the point I'm trying to make is that if many other people are also confused, then you need to change it so it's self explanitory. If everyone else gets it, and it's just me wandering the land of befuddlement ... ignore that.

Second ... I love the way this was written. I always have enjoyed books or stories that start like:

Dead. After eighty-five years of life, Gregory Arbor was dead. Some assumed that old age killed him. The obituary column hadn’t mentioned the cause of death, and most found this peculiar after the initial shock wore off. Like the brain-washed drones of the government they were always accused of being, they didn’t question how he died, and went on with their lives leaving other more daring souls to wonder.

Which explains why I don't usually start books like this. (my life makes no sense)

Like the brain-washed drones of the government they were always accused of being, they didn’t question how he died, and went on with their lives leaving other more daring souls to wonder.

That sentence seems too long to me. I think you need something more than a comma between "they didn't question how he died" and "and went right on with their lives..." maybe it's just because of the comma earlier. Or maybe you could change the "and" to some other word, like "they didn't question how he died, they just went right on with their lives." hmmm, yes, I think it was the "and that sounded off. Try changing that. But otherwise I found that sentence amusing!

Odd, isn’t it how quickly one recovers when joy is before us, and the fact that Gregory was killed just two days before the festival to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of the defeat of the Veenoils, who he had helped kill was odd as well.

Very true, very true.
But ...
You started this off as a question to the reader/s ("odd, isn't it...") but you didn't finish it as one with a question mark.

its’ people and burned its’

Those apostrophes are wrong (unless I am unaware of some of the rules, which is rather likely) you only use an apostrophe in "its" if it is really "it" and "is". If it's for belonging then there is no apostrophe, and I don't think you'd ever need one after the "s" (was that a confusing explanation, or is it just me?)

They told themselves that those people had not really been witches, but were simply innocent victims,

Maybe just do a little background on this, just in case their are some dumb people like me who aren't familiar with the witch burnings (well I've never learned about them in school, as I'm Australian). So maybe say something like "They told themselves that those people who had been burnt had not really been witches, but were simply innocent victems" Also, end that section I quoted with a full stop, I think it'll make the next part more dynamic with the longer pause.

Hiding and forgetting neither one took away what had happened though.

I don't understand what your trying to say here. Maybe change it to "Neither hiding or forgetting took away what had happened." or "Hiding and forgetting, neither one took away what had happened."

Sometimes, when a group of witches have made enough mistakes or a group of humans remember enough, there are more killings or things leak out, but no one takes them seriously.

I'm also uncertain of this sentence's intended meaning.

Aslo, I've noticed your tense seems a little uncertain (unless it's me and my atrocious tenses to blame, which is highly likely) but tense in not my strong point so I can't really help much there. Sorry .

Overall I found this a highly enjoyable introduction athough those points I mentioned could use work, and I look forward to reading more of your story.