Young Writers Society

Before I start the story I just want to say, that the way I rate my stuff may be different then the way you rate your stuff so please don't sue me if the language is worse or less worse than your beliefs.

Chapter 2

In heaven an argument is just ending between God and a very stubborn angel.

“Please spare her, God. She means a lot to me and my whole world.” the angel plies.

“I will do what is right and no other-world angel is going to tell me what to do.” God‘s normally cheery smile is now a angered frown. “Now please leave, Caleb.”

Even Caleb can see that God is holding something from him. He looks deep into the forgiving eyes of God. “Just promise me she’ll be ok, she is dearly needed on Amum.”

God looks at Calebs’ feeble attempt to change his mind. He shakes his head, “I know, Caleb, I know. Now please leave.”

Caleb’s face goes dull. He turns from God, somewhat ashamed, and leaves.

The girl, who is now a lot older than before, is sitting on a stone in the middle of the night. She studies her surroundings, almost as if she is waiting for something or someone. She looks at her watch then back at the dark of the night. A women, around the age of twenty, walks up behind the girl and taps her on the shoulder. The girl turns and sees the women has a mellow yellow glow around the outline of her. She is filled with a calming feeling and smiles. In her mind she thinks about the last time she ever smiled, never. When her eyes get adjusted she sees the women has dark green eyes and light blonde hair. “Mom?” the word almost pops out of her mouth. The women looks around worried, “I don’t have long, but promise me you’ll never give up.” The girl nods slowly, confused. “Good.” The women disappears as fast as she came.

Valerie wakes startled.

“What.. what is it, Val?” Someone whispers from right next to her.

She rubs her eyes the blur the once was the person now is a clear vision of Melody. “Oh just a bad dream, I guess.”

Melody looks Valerie straight in her icy green eyes. “Are you sure you’re ok? The doctor said you wouldn’t really be yourself until you got enough sleep.”

“No really I’m fine.” She shakes her head to completely wake herself up. Suddenly she feels dizzy and collapses on her pillow. She rubs her head and feels a piece of cloth.

“Val! You’re not completely recovered yet!” She rushes over to aid her friend. “The doctor said if you felt any slight pain you should take this.” She shows a medicine cup with a green capsule in it and takes a cup of water off of the stand next to Valerie. “Here, take it.”
Valerie gives her a weird look. “An Advil, the doctor wants me to take an Advil.” She rolls her eyes and takes the pill with a swig of the funny tasting hospital water. Her face scrunches up. “Uggg…that waters nasty.”

Melody giggles at the look on her face. She takes the cups from Valerie’s hands and places them on the stand. Her expression turns serious, “Feeling any better?” her voice full of concern and guilt.

“Yes, a little.” She looks at Melody, her eyes huge and sorrowful. “You don’t have to keep asking me how I feel. And you don’t have to give me anything when I don’t feel good, that’s why I have a nurse. I do have a nurse, right?” Melody nods. “See, nothing to worry about.”

“Yes, I know but I feel that I forced you to go get a movie and that’s why you’re at a hospital, hurt, and not back at my house, fine.” She looks toward the floor.

“Mel, don’t feel bad it’s not your fault I’m here. If I wasn’t acting like an ass then I wouldn’t be here but since I was it’s not your fault at all, if anyone’s it‘s mine.” They bust out laughing.

“That’s true when you’re in a car you act like a jackass!” They both laugh louder.

Valerie’s mom walks in, “Ok you two, Valerie needs to get more sleep if she wants to leave in a few days.”

Melody stops laughing and strolls out of the door. Valerie stops laughing as her mom sits on the corner of her bed.

“I brought soup, in case you’re hungry.” Valerie looks at the bowl of tomato soup, her favorite, and smiles at her mom.

She takes the soup and gobbles it down. She hands it to her mom and falls asleep quickly. Her mom kisses Valerie’s forehead and walks away.

Valerie is running in a field, she isn’t being chased yet she runs faster. She stops when she gets to a forest, a very scary looking forest. An unfriendly vine pops out of the forest and tries to grab a hold of Valerie’s arm. She catches it and pulls it off. Suddenly she turns toward where she was running from. Someone in a long black robe is running up to her. She lets out a loud, painful and agonizing screech. The person snickers and grabs Valerie. “No one can hear you, my dear.” She screams louder as they pull off their hood on their head. Before she can get a look of their face……

She wakes, sweaty and hot.

The overall plot is great. I really love the paragraphs in italics.

You need to make the non-italic stuff as descriptive as the italic stuff...if that made any sense

But I really like it!

Once again, good work in the italics, though I'm not sure how it's relavent to the rest of the story. I guess that will become clear later.

As for the rest, the story is all right, but it's still lacking the detail needed to really draw a person into it. I think you could have included some of what happened between the two chapters. I have a real weakness for that kind of story.

Dialogue is okay, but could use a little work to sound more natural.

For the parts that are not in italics, I think it would be more effective if it wasn't in present-tense. If it is written in past-tense, it will heighten the effect of the italics being written in present-tense.

You're right it will become clearer deeper in the story so that's my I'm not probably not going to change it's tense. Anyways thank you people for reading.

Your dialogue is getting heaps better! Still needs a little more practice to make it sound completely natural, but it's coming along nicely.
But I'd have to also say that if it were me I'd be writing in past tense. However, that is completly your choice.
Yes, the work in italics is really good, keep that up. You're doing very well witht he plot. THe argument, dream and italics are very intriging!

*starts a chant* WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE!

Seriously, to be able to write that well, when you are 12, I'm 13 and i can't write half as good as that. I always give away my plot to easily. My grammar isn't the best, and my plot isn't that great at all, not original, lacks much.

Oy vey. Why are people so hung up on being original? We'd have a lot more quality stuff out there if people were mainly concerned with telling the best story they can using the material and ideas that best serve the story.

He, he, he. I LOVE being so evil. You guys won't find out what the italics are 'til later so, soooo sad for you I KNOW what they are. Then again I SHOULD know what they are. Oh I'm sooooooooo happy today I'm not making sense. Yay! Oh and Shadow Knight thanks, most people look at my age and assume that I write really bad or something cuz I'm young. Oh well, hell with those people, right? But I seriously doubt that your stories are as bad as you say they are. So cheer up. I'm going to sing the doom song now, doom, doom, doom......*trails off* What was I saying?