z

Young Writers Society


Rain Before Dawn, Chapter 3- part 2



User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 38
Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:13 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Here is the long awaited part 2!

Chapter 3- part 2

He grips her hand, his touch like a ray of warm sunlight, stroking it lightly he whispers. “I can not explain this but I must go. You will find out when I get back. Do not worry I’ll be back soon.”

Still confused she whispers, “I can wait to find out.”

“But before I go, I have your lunch.”

He sets a tray of lots of colorful foods on her lap.

Before she can say thanks, he disappears like a mirage slowly fading out of sight. She gasps and rubs her eyes.

“I’m seeing things on top of the terrible throbbing in my head?” she looks at the food and puts it on the table next to her. “I’ll save it for later.”

“Now I feel bad, I can‘t remember how I know Caleb.” She sighs and turns the T.V. on with the little remote in her bed rail. “Maybe I’ll remember later.”

As it gets later in the day the sun shinning in her room retracts and it gets darker and darker in the small pale yellow room. Soon like every other Sunday, there is nothing good on the T.V. and since she doesn’t want to sit in complete silence, she watches the news. Valerie snickers when she sees the newscaster is a obese man in a impossibly small coat.

“Hey look a fat man in a little coat!” she bursts out laughing referring to the song.

He adjusts his toupee on his head and clears his throat.

“This is the six o’ clock news at six. I’m Harry Blasdell and this is my co-host, Lisa Diaz,” a small Spanish woman sitting next the big man nods her head, making it look like she’s a bobble head doll, “Our top story today, priceless jewels stolen from the richest woman in the country. And later in the program, gas prices to rise again? A fire in the forest of Fijis? All this and more after this messages.”

A hair care commercial comes on but Valerie doesn’t care, she’s intrigued about the story regarding the jewels.

She hears a soft knock on her door, “It’s Matt, can I come in?”

She yells, “It’s open.”

A tall skinny boy about the age of 16 walks in. Valerie sniggers when she sees that his pants are falling off his skinny waist. He pulls his pants up and sits in the chair next to her. She looks over at him and he looks back at her. His eyes were dull and almost lifeless.

“How you feeling, ’sis?” his voice in monotone.

Not noticing Valerie takes a cup of water from the table and answers, “I’ll live.” She takes a swig of the water.

He giggles, a thing that Matt was not known to do. Valerie gives him a weird look and he stops. He gets up from his seat and nervously fumbles with his fingers.

“Um…I have to go. Sorry I couldn’t stay any longer but I have something I have to do.” he rushes out the door.

“It’s Sunday, he never has anything to do on Sundays’. Something’s up I know it.” she thinks.

In a minute, she hears another knock on her door.

“Who is it?”

A voice unfamiliar to her says, “Dr. Collins. May I come in?”

“Yes.” she turns the T.V. off.

So there it is. How do you like?
For now I will let the blood drip from my fingers...
  





User avatar
172 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 172
Mon Apr 18, 2005 10:44 am
Shadow Knight says...



Eh, so so, it's alright. I'm hopeless at saying why I like and dislike things so don't ask.
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.
  





User avatar
685 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 685
Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:40 pm
Rei says...



I hate to repeat myself, but for the most part, everything people have said before still applies here. What you need is more details, more information, more images, and it's really lacking in dramatic tension. This could be great story if you just slow down and play with it.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 38
Mon Apr 18, 2005 10:09 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



*sadly* Sigh, I get the point. If you guys don't want to hear anymore I'll stop posting. I know you're just helping but I've been having a very BAD patch in my life and now I have to go to counseling so I've decided not to post anymore. If you have complaints or anything please save it because I have no more time to care about writing, I have to get back to my school work.
For now I will let the blood drip from my fingers...
  








You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King