Young Writers Society

Ok, this is a part of my book. I wrote it in a hurry, so im aware of the gramar mistakes. I need a critic mostly on the concept and a overall score if it is possible. Thanx in advance!



Korvan gleamed at her eyes, witnessing the horror she has been through…
“I wanted to kill myself…I was lost, scared, our family had many enemies, my father being the head of the House, he led many skirmishes during the Thrall Revolution. Because of that there were many assassination attempts by the Drow or the Xarim.”
“I’m sorry Star please…”
“Oh, it’s ok. I still have my cheerful sprit nonetheless.” she said, her smile returning to her serene face.
“Halt! Who goes there?” A strange menacing voice emerged out of nowhere. Star eyes the surrounding plains but there was nothing but grass and the nearby cave glooming ahead.
“Who are you to ask?” Star asked reaching for her staff. Korvan bundled the slumbering baby in the backpack, slowly reaching for his ashed spellbook.
“Lay down your weapons. I beg of you, please…”the voice was becoming desperate.
“I believe we can trust him, I don’t sense any evil nearby…”Star took her hand off the staff, still, taking a scroll of a Searching Blight just in case. The air in front of her started to shift, strange lights appeared, forming a sphere of light, then the gentle sphere took a humanoid shape, and then a Human appeared in front of them. His black hair webbed in the noon hair, his eyes glowing with a serene blue haze.
“What in the Gods name are you?!” Korvan asked clenching his fists.
“Please…I…I mean you no harm. I seek you sanctuary, I’m being hunted.”
“By whom?” Korvan asked lifting an eyebrow.
“There’s this crazy paladin. Hunts me because of my tainted blood…”
“Then you sure must have wronged something if you have aroused such an interest in a paladin, especially these days.” Korvan interrupted him.
“But you don’t understand! She is a Gray Elf. You know Gray Paladins, just being different then the rest of the world makes you their enemy.”
“That was my point, sir.”
“Korvan please, those fanatics always have an excuse for something, they just want to kill…Now lets sat this straight…Who are you sir?”
“My name is Cello, I’m a…how do you call them, werewisp?”
“A WHAT?” Korvan yelled.
“A werewisp? I thought that was impossible! Biologists say it is just…impossible. Even Yaka Ha’lli is less…complex than that.”
“Well, we are not exactly wisps, we can just change in ethereal form, we have a great affinity towards magic, and we can be invisible, and by also being a by-product of The First Moon we were labeled by the Elenian Empire as ‘abominations’. Also druids, especially Grey Druids, also hate us because of that, so we seek sanctuary among the Lycans. Being not much different than them, they accepted us as their own kin. That’s why your kind calls us werewisps.
“Intriguing…”Star examined Eclo with much interest.
“Don’t give me that look Elf! That looks usually means “What use I have from this fool”!”
“No, I was just wondering how can druids expel you and hunt you down? You are neither abominations nor demons…”
“You know how Gray Elves can sometimes be…”
“Enough of this. What are you doing here? What do you want from us?”
“As I have said, a Gray Paladin hunts me all the way from Astraion!”
“By the Gods! Are you playing fun of me Eclo? I warn you I’m not in the mood…”
“No I swear in my birthstone! She is crazy, two years ago I was just passing through the city, and this grungy she-elf, came to me took off my cape and revealed my identity. The city square turned into frenzy, when she started yelling: A LYCAN GET HIM!” And since then a bounty has been put on my head, a huge bounty. 5000 pherims!”
“Wow, she must be very determent…”
“Tell me about it…”
”And you accept me to believe that story? I’ve been studying Lycans for 20 years. Surely you must have done something wrong as usual.”
”Tis’ true…”
“I’m a cleric of Goranol. I know when someone is lying to me…”
“Well…ah…Maybe I just stole an apple or two from the square market…”
“Really?”
“A basket of apples I was very, very hungry.” Korvan glared at him.
“Ok, I broke in one of Nim’s advisors. Are you happy now?”
“YOU were the one that broke in the Selivan Vault?! The criminal that killed the guards, caused mass panic, and looted the entire vault?!” Star eyed him with amazement and anger.
“Err….yeah that was me.”
“How dare you, you pathetic creature! Did you know how much discord and chaos your actions have caused? You could be felt all the way the Abyss. One of our temples was almost destroyed by that!”
“Huh? Korvan what do you mean?” Star looked him confused.
“Our church has an Alliance Pact with Nim’s advisors. Evrytime someone or something brakes inside the Selivan Vaults, an alarm goes off, and summons Etheral Guardians directly from the nearest church or temple. I remember that day I was in a village nearby Astraion, in a monastery, when suddenly everything started to brake down. The energies powering the alarm that day where chanelling the creation of the new statue garden.”
“So? What does this have to do with me?” Eclo was looking at him, his eyes filled with tears.
“The alarm required energy, and there was NONE! You are either a brilliant master mind, or a complete IDIOT!”
“I’m sorry ok? I live a miserable life, m’lord, please can I join you?”
“Well…he IS sorry…”

I was about to correct every single grammer mistake I found. Then I read this;

Arvandor wrote:Ok, this is a part of my book. I wrote it in a hurry, so im aware of the gramar mistakes. I need a critic mostly on the concept and a overall score if it is possible. Thanx in advance!

So, I'll just assume that you know about all those mistakes I found. The concept was pretty good, although I found a few things confusing. I'm sure a few would be made...clear in further chapters. Although, I got lost with who was speaking. And I think you changed Cello's name to Eclo. Who's the baby?

Oh and yeah Cello is Eclo, mixed up everything I wasnt aware of all of the mistakes. BTW, its the second chapter of the book and the baby is Invictus, the new guarian of the race of men, chosen avatar of the now dead god Goranol

It's interesting, though a bit of background could do a world of wonders. I'll assume that is covered previously. Just so you know what I mean by 'background', I mean who's who, what's what, who does what (paladins are *blank* who go around doing *blank*).
Although a word may be in the dictionary, authors have a tendency to add texture and shades to the definition, so if you haven't already established things, thats what could be safely added in.
This Eclo is a character I'd like to know about. I'm curious. That's the problem with this site, you can't continue to read something that's still being written.

Eclo is that a werewisp, as I said before thats the second no third part, im planing to post them too. Eclo is a common thief, trying to survive the day, he is good and cheerful, but is his cheer and good heart more important than his survival? his people will be the founders of a new kingdom, far to the east of Archanon, in the dangerous parts of Hata-Jin, (basicly they will create a china-like kingdom, so in a form Eclo is chinese get it? )

Sure, I get it. Eclo is a Chinese werewhisp.
Kiddin. I know what you mean. So my instincts were right about Eclo. He's exactly the character I'd like 2 be around.

What do you mean?

I mean, if Eclo was a real person. I think of characters that way. The interesting ones who are kind and cheerful. Looking back on the message, I see reason for confusion. I usually have 1 favorite character in every book/story/whatever. Eclo has that honor. (Not to bash your other characters.)

oh is that so? Wait till you see how real the others are. I havent posted the other two parts. And how real they will be

Did you think up werewisps? I like the sound of them! Very... interesting.

There were a few bits in there where I wasn't ntirely sure who was talking:

“Wow, she must be very determent…”
“Tell me about it…”
”And you accept me to believe that story? I’ve been studying Lycans for 20 years. Surely you must have done something wrong as usual.”
”Tis’ true…”
“I’m a cleric of Goranol. I know when someone is lying to me…”
“Well…ah…Maybe I just stole an apple or two from the square market…”
“Really?”

But nothing ot bad, you might wnat to add one "said" in there, because you do get a good idea of whos talking by what they're saying.

Back to werewisps... just a little bit of advice, you might want to mention them in the story before this? Just in passing or something.

Hmmm... the were wisp goes from hating elves:

“Don’t give me that look Elf!

to

“I’m sorry ok? I live a miserable life, m’lord, please can I join you?”

It could use a little work, but it does sort of reflect the wisps character. So, don't cahnge it too much.


Otherwise great! Loved it... particually the idea for the werewisps!

Oh thanks El, But like I've said its a PART of my book, but Im planning to prepare the entire chapter and sent it here. About the werewisps, I was lashed and laughed upon by MANY of my friends and also by some Dungeon Masters, supossedly werewisps were the craziest, dumbest, and most childish idea they have ever heard of. And I had to defend my self saying that their REAL NAME is Tao-Maj, but since they were living amongst the Lycans their name was given by the Lycans themselves. They were hunted mostly for their blood and for sport, because after the Humans hated them, they were not pure humans, they were tainted by nature, as the rest of the Lycans. That is not true of course, but we know how stubborn Humans can be right?

Yeah, humans can be very stubborn. (I must be among the most stubborn of them all.)
Seeing how werewisps are your creation, it would explain why I haven't heard of them before. For an explaination of them, I'll tell you what a Pristitch is.

Prisithcoopiwlk? whats that? btw, I have created over 100 races so...but as I've said many of them will have to die they were not original enough, so Tempest Dwarves, Kar'agh Goblins, Mata Nui, Aqua Nui, Alurian Elves, Xarim, Nightmare Titans, Muse of Order, Muse of Sorrow, Shrine Gnomes, Mountain Halflings...and many many more will have to go down the drain i guess

Oh thanks El, But like I've said its a PART of my book, but Im planning to prepare the entire chapter and sent it here.

I thought you would have a little intro for werewisps, but thought I'd better mention it anyway just in case you hadn't.

np thank you for your time