Young Writers Society

TIGER RAWR! hahaha... Honestly, I love your review, I've even altered my manuscript! BUUUUT some were, I'm sorry, but if I followed your advices on Yuenish's PURPLE PROSE...well, my character is ruined! It's her! LOL IT'S SUNISHINE LE-SHA-THEIGH...hahahaha...she's weird, I know. Like she can speak like a teen, but she's just diff. I'm so sorry LOL for confusing you!

Thanks, again!

P.S. snohomish is in Washington America. I think it's pronounced as it is. "SNO-HO-MISH"

Hi, Jai here to review, as requested.

Now Jash, already most of the best reviewers on this site have reviewed your work, and I can see that a lot of comments or suggestions they had haven't been taken seriously, or implemented. So if I also happen to go over something and another reviewer has already said it, please take a step back from your work and consider whether you are listening to your reviewers or not. Generally if the same comment is made more than once, by two or more reviewers, then you should concentrate on fixing or altering what was noticed. If people read the reviews and then read your story and notice next to nothing that the three pages of reviews suggested to be changed hasn't been changed, then they are going to wonder if it's worth reviewing your novel if you are just going to ignore their suggestions.

So, on to my review. This is a really long chapter, so if this is a really long review, I hope you'll understand.

It was a dull afternoon in late autumn when you could watch the remaining brown, yellow and orange leaves being blown away by the wind leaving the tree branches bare.

As an opening sentence,I don't think this is very strong, and I think that it sounds backwards. Consider:

The lawn was mowed by the man with a lawn mower.

Or:

The man mowed the lawn with a lawn mower.

Reflective thoughts conquered my mind: I am not supposed to be here, I do not want to be here, at the other phase of this dying orb is where I long to be.

While it's nice to create characters who are incredibly zen and wise, ask yourself whether someone ever thinks like that. I don't think with full words, for example, as I think the way I speak. So I would have thought, "I'm not supposed to be here... I don't want to be here..." And I have no idea what you mean about "phase of this dying orb", unless you're talking about the earth, in which case the casual reader won't quickly understand this without having to think, "Phase of a dying orb? What?" Confusing the reader so soon isn't really an ideal idea.

I paused at the thought and closed my eyes, sinking into a powerful contemplation. I could perfectly remember a few years ago, though it must have been a similar dull afternoon in late autumn, on the other side of the world, rain had gently caressed my cheek and one of the red roses I had thrown before me--on that black velvet box that was being buried six feet underground, beside that block of cement where “Angelyn Leshathé” was engraved.

While this is a neat flashback, is it necessary? I feel that the last sentence is also backwards or not correctly structured, as the sentence doesn't seem to end, but is left hanging.

It crossed my mind that solely a decade had passed, I was standing perhaps right through here, heels over head, in a black raincoat too big that the prickly rose I was holding was hidden under the sleeves.

I understand what you're trying to say, but it's not very logical. When I stand in my backyard, I don't think "right here, if I was heels over head, on the opposite side of the world, I'd be in rah rah rah". This whole flash back scene makes no sense at all, really. You keep on referring to the present and then have to mention the past again to talk about it. Why not start the story with the funeral? None of the nonsense of transposing your position through the earth to show where you would be on the other side a decade ago.

An innocent eight-year-old child—just as I had been—whose face had swollen from three days nonstop weeping was leaning her head against my right shoulder, her eyes ablaze with much confusion and fright.

This is the problem I'm seeing: when you have a flashback, you don't think about the people in the flashback as they were, but as they are now. When I think of my dad when he was playing poker three years ago, I think of him the way he is now. What I'm trying to say is that if I had a flash back of a decade ago, when I was nine, I would not be thinking of myself as innocent, I'd be thinking of myself as naive. Perhaps this firm idea in my head is why I believe this flashback should be set in it's proper time, without the barriers and limitations placed upon it for being a flashback.

It also crossed my mind that only ten years had gone by, Father, clothed, as ever simple as he had been, with a shirt and a pair of slacks, had stood next to the little girl, with a poise showing fearsome courage.

Also contributing to the fact of limitations is that of requirements. You have to repeat yourself over and over to make it clear that it's a flashback.

If twenty-four years had gone by too fast and were not enough for those who had deeply loved her, what more could a hundred months offer?

Not quite sure what you mean by this. The second part of the sentence makes the least amount of sense. Ten years is not 100 months.

"Yue." A hand rubbed my back. "It's time to go."

I opened my eyes and looked at Snowflake. I faintly nodded.

And I believe this is possibly the biggest reason why the flashback should be a part on it's own. You've written all of the above as plot convenience. It's almost as if you didn't need anything to do with Snowflake and her sister, because all that happened was them looking at the Autum leaves and then they had to go.

“Psst…Snow!” I ejaculated. “Remember our little squabble?”

Maybe it's just me, but all I could imagine was her orgasming on the car seat. Also, the sudden change in mood seems jarring. First the character is moody and more deeply philosophical than a person with a Ph.D, then suddenly she's joking around and orgasming on the car seat.

“I was trying to admire that tremendously beautiful view…beyond those buildings,” I whispered to Snowflake, “and you brayed at me for doing so.”

“I know,” she whispered back. “I remember.”

.... and then your explanation of the "squabble" is not something someone would remember or even care about. The whole "squabble" section could be deleted and no one would be bereft.

We drove by an endless cemented pavement edged with successive lampposts.

We reached Father’s penthouse which was just twenty minutes away.

A penthouse is the room on the highest floor of a building.

“You can stay and rest in my bedroom. I know it’s been a hard day for you two,”—he looked at Snowflake—“especially you, Hon. There will be guests tonight for dinner, so go on. Get some rest. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

... their mother died ten years ago, right? Or did I misunderstand that? If so, why would they still be mourning her death a decade later?

Snowflake and I reposed in Father’s room. How comfortable were we. It was peaceful, and the serenity helped my thinking to stop for awhile and let me relax. I lay on the bed. Snowflake plopped beside me, her blue dress puffing up a bit. She pulled out a receptacle from her bag and began applying make-up. She asked if she could do the same on me, and I allowed her to.

No one uses these terms anymore. They are archaic and the average reader will not know what you are talking about. Not even Tolkien (if he were alive today) would bother using the term "repose".

I could see myself bonding with Mother and Snowflake, still so young and still so innocent. I started to miss the way she would strike our hair with a Goody brush when we were seven. I started to miss the way Mother’s sable hair draped over her shoulders contrasting greatly with Snowflake’s and my white-blond hair. I could still remember the aroma of the lemongrass shampoo, sometimes rosemary, which would fill the room every time we would raffle that veil of ebony silk before bedtime. In fact, I could remember the scent so well, the childhood memories it roused were so real. We were the three missus-keteers wearing our best nightgowns.

I understand that the necessity of showing how special the mother was to them, but it's boring. If I was reading this in an actual novel, I'd skim it all until I reached the relevant part - the parts out of the past.

But I was innocent. I had known nothing of this thing called 'death' until my own mother passed away.

Your main character didn't know of death at age 7/8? How is that possible in today's society? When I was 8, I was reading the Harry Potter series - you know, the one where his parents die and he's left an orphan? Perhaps at age 3 or 4, not knowing death is acceptable. At age 8 it seems blasphemous.

So I just hugged her back then, very tight, and tried to imagine what it would be like to die. I just thought and thought as I felt my right shoulder being drenched with my mother’s and sister’s tears. More questions stimulated my mind each more minute I thought.

More problems with flashbacks. You're going out of linear chronological sequence. 10 years ago, twins with mother talking about death --> mother dies, twins comfort each other --> thoughts about innocence --> back to the beginning scene with the mother after talking about death. Convoluted flashbacks are hard to follow and often not worth it.

I blew my nose and she continued applying make-up on me.

I would never put on make-up after crying. My face would be all wet and the salt would react badly with any powders or foundations, let alone how mascara and eyeliner would look if applied when my eyes were wet.

I had already told Father that there were certain things he should have been doing himself. He should have stopped thinking that entertaining gadgets and the latest fashion could be alternatives to his obligation as a father—as our father. But he would always rationalize. For instance...

“Sunshine, dear, look at yourself. Do you act like your sister? She’s just like that, moody and sulky. Period. Maybe she’s having a harder time entering the adult world unlike you. You’re too mature to think about being in at all. Besides, I spend Christmas Days with you guys, right?”

Do you really need any of this back story at all? Does everything about the whole family and all their memories have to be dictated and spoon-fed to the read in the the first chapter?

His statements were stark incongruous, too inexplicable that I already ceased in convincing him. And why would he describe me as if I did not care about being a teenager at all? He just didn't know. He just didn't know…

This makes no sense to me at all. What relevance does it have? Is it utterly important to the story?

Hating visualized entertainment,

I lol'd at this even more so after I read the following daydream that your character would have had to have visualised in their mind.

I realized that there was pretty much nothing more to do but to pretend like I was attentively observing Father cook when my mind was actually wandering in my own radical world where I was Jash Bagabaldo, a young teenage proxy of the FBI.

Relevance? Necessity? Are you just trying to create more words, more paragraphs, more characters? Is this day dream central to the plot?

He started to chop some onions. His hand was too quick for my eyes to catch. It reminded me--he was a master chef.

Does she really need reminding? She spent the last hour thinking about how her father moved to yadayada to get a better job so he could get moolah.

“Ellaine?!” I asked, still with a bit of doubt.

Only use one symbol.

“Yuenish!”

You might like to divulge to the casual reader what "yuenish" means. I gather it means "relative" or "cousin".

“How could you?!” Ellaine put her hands on her waist in mock indignation as snowflake and I laughed. “You just had your first boyfriend and you’re not telling me!”

I finally understand. You've written this with magna/anime in your mind. Where silly conversations and constant flashbacks and cut scenes to irrelevant ideas are fine because it's all visual. Suddenly the ridiculous names make sense.

“This is my son, Cloud—“

“—Wheeler,” I interrupted.

How did your character not know Cloud's mother?

"I don't wanna be part of any of the b*llsh*t going on." She exited and slammed the door.

This is a novel so you can write "bullshit" without anyone getting angry.

It took me a full hour to review this work, so I'm sure you'll excuse me for not continuing my review to include any consecutive chapters.

My impressions:

[/b]Characters[/b]
Snowflake: from what I can gather, she's spoiled and loved their mother the most.
Sunshine: philosophical and not there in the head.

Plot
Not sure where you're heading with this. The beginning itself is cliché: mother dies, father wants to remarry, daughter hates the idea and runs out on the announcement.

I don't know why their childhood friend would be invited to the announcement, and I don't know why the father would decide that his previous wife's death anniversary would be a good time to announce his engagement.

Style
You're a good writer, but I don't think you should be writing novels. I think you should be writing magna/anime. This story reminds me of the style of Deathnote, and other animes. But that could just be me and the fact that it's 2:16AM in the morning.

Overall
This is not something I would pick up and continue reading. Mainly due to the continuous flashbacks and the silly teenage dialogue towards the end of the chapter. I also believe the names are too ridiculous for the English language (which is why I think that you're writing for a magna/anime, where characters are named things such as Light and Sailor Moon), considering you've got: Snowflake, Sunshine and Cloud. What next, Hail, Thunder, Sunset? Your use of archaic words also threw me off a few times and sometimes I think you've went crazy with the thesaurus, especially with the phrase, "stark incongruous". Your grammar is flawless and I found no spelling or synonym errors, which is a definite plus towards your work. I think the problem with this chapter is that you've read it and reworked it so many times that it's beyond "perfection" in your eyes. Take a break from writing it, at least two weeks, come back and read it again. Is it as good as you think it is?

Don't hesitate to reply directly to this thread with any comments or queries regarding my review.

Cheers, Jai

'Kay, Tiger back to review. It took me a while to find this Part 2. But now I have and I'll give you another review!

There was a long pause again There was another long pause would sound better. And this is a strange way to start this. You write it on the presumption that people have not only read part 1, but that they have also remembered it clearly. Yes I know that they most likely have and that they could just scroll up, but still, it's a strange way to start. If it were not for a knock at the door, no one would have been moving moved. By writing been moving you start mixing up the tenses. Ellaine answered the door for us and there appeared writing appeared makes him sound like some sort of teleporter. another guest stood:--a man also in his early thirties, this sentence is totally irrelevant. Plus it makes the narrator sound like they are in their thirties though they aren't. Mr. Hanks. He was Father’s close friend, and it was a good thing that he keptproceeded to keep my Father and step-mother-to-be busy. It allowed things to sink in to my mind, and I realized--yes: I am disappointed in you, Father. This sentence is not structured well. You should have written something like this: Their absence allowed the news to settle in my mind, and it allowed me to realize one thing: that I was disappointed in my Father.

Without a word to my father, Ellaine and I went and stayed on to the balcony with Cloud . Soon, When about thirty guests had arrived to celebrate Father’s engagement—something I honestly thought would be about my mother the way you write the sentence makes me think: she thought her father's engagement would be about her mother? What I think you meant is that Yuenish thought the day would be about her mother. So try this instead: When about thirty guests had arrived to celebrate Father's engagement--on the one day I thought would be about my mother--, --Ellaine eventuallywent home and left me and Cloud 'alone'. And why did Ellaine leave? If she stayed so long, it seems a bit rude that she'd leave before the actual celebration occured.

Never didhad I experienced don't mix up the tenses here, Jash something as absurd as what I felt when Ellaine left. I mean-- you need a comma here, not dashes to be alone with a man you are greatly attracted to, then knowing that you were going to be--you need an ellipsis here, not dashes siblings. How would you feel in my place? What would you do? By narrating in this way, we are now assuming this whole story is being told to someone who will be revealed at the end of the story. But I don't think that's your intention. So either scrap it or write something like: What was I supposed to do?

I leaned over the balcony’s rails, watching the panorama of Over-description, not necessary stars hovering over hovering over makes it sound like the stars are like an inch away the city lights. Cloud stood beside me. The reader obviously knows this. Instead say something like: Cloud was silent beside me/ Cloud coughed beside me/ Cloud shifted beside me/ Cloud cleared his throat beside me...you get the idea

“So, you’re gonna be my step-sis-- again, ellipsis. Not dashes ,” he said sarcastically He's hardly being sarcastic. They are going to be step-siblings.

“It’s-- Same as abovestupid,” I said.

Cloud laughed. “Tell me how.”

He leaned forward he was beside her. So he leaned close to me so that our faces were only an inch apart. I stared into his eyes; I was such a sucker for hazel eyes. Could she see his eyes in the darkness?

I pushed him back.

New paragraph."We can't do this." Bowing my head, I whispered, “I have to talk to Dad.”

“Why?”

“This is so wrong.” I glared at him, clenching my fists That's a pretty strange thing to do in this situaton. I knew I was not good at acting, and I knew that he could tell that he was not the one I was really mad at. This sentence is odd. I can't put my finger on it's oddness, but there's something in it that's very queer indeed.

“Resenting?” Resenting what? Make this clearerHe smirked.

I sighed because I did not know how to react Why shouldn't she know how to react? She already knew that he knew she wasn't angry at him, thus she would have known he would talk about her Dad. And more importantly: when you don't know how to react, you don't sigh. Sighing is a reaction. “Not like that not like what?…it’s just…”

“I’ll call him.” He smiled at me as he turned around.

I watched his shadow fade They are outside. At night. You haven't told us that there are lights. So how would she see his shadow? while remembering why I liked him so much. He's cute, yeah— dash not necessary here, use a comma instead he was quite burly, too; but the real reason why he had my wholeattention was because he was “Cloud Wheeler” what's with the inverted commas? If you want to put in some emphasis, italicize it —cheerful, friendly, caring, responsible, a joker, but who could still be a bit serious. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have him as an older brother instead after all.

But then again…

I faced the night scene as was watching the sky when I felt Father enter came out onto you can't enter a balcony the balcony. We were alone at last. I could tell him whatever I wanted, if only I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and how to say it; I could, if I only could My God this is confusing. Just scrap this part, it makes no sense and the sentence is fine without it.

“Anak* (Child), is there anything wrong?” he asked me. He must have noticed the way I turned my back on him Thought she wanted to talk to him? Why would she turn her back on him, then?.

I sighed and craned my face upwards to stare at the stars.

New paragraph. “Stars are beautiful wherever you are in this world.” I looked at him for a facialresponse.

“You have always been good in deflections I know what you're trying to say here, but deflection isn't the right word. Try: avoiding the subject , but this time--A comma is needed here. A COMMA. I don't understand your fascination with dashes ” he said smirking, “--COMMA. it’s not gonna work.”

We laughed. It's rather strange that they'd laugh. One minute the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife, and then this. It's sort of anti-climatic. Maybe you could add stiffly.

“Now tell me what’s wrong, (use a comma, not a full stop)” Father gently said, pulling me into his arms and resting my head on his chest.

“You don’t know?” I retorted with a response like that, you wouldn't think she'd be resting on his chest.

He turned pale again, it's dark outside, pretending to thoughtfully join me in my awe What the heck does that mean? In what awe?. “You're wereright," he said, looking at the stars. "Stars are pretty wherever you are in this world.” The stars have been talked about already. There isn't any point in going back to them.

“I’m not mad at you, Dad,” I bluntlysaid by using, you're showing, not telling. “Let me just get used to it. It’s—An ELLIPSIS is needed here. Not dashesweird.”

Father sighed heavily, as if breathing out pain he never had the chance to breath out You don't need this part. It's over-descriptive and unnecessary. He reached into his pocket and showed me a little, black box. He opened it for me to disclose and I saw two lockets. He then held it up, clicked it apart with his other hand, and clicked it back together again. What does this sentence mean? Do you mean he held the box up, took out the necklaces and closed the box again?He took my hands, squeezing in the lockets.

“These are the necklaces your Mother wanted you to have for your eighteenth birthday. They were very special to her. I know I should’ve given it to you exactly on your birthday, but I couldn’t. I guess things were very complicated at that time.” He sighed again. “The one with a sapphire pendant is yours; the silver one, it’s Snow’s.”

“Thanks,” I said disconsolately Yes, yes, I know you said it's part of the character, but still the purple prose is here again. There are much simpler words to use than disconsolately, ones that don't ruin the flow of the story as this does. And Sunshine (I only recently realized that was here name, before I thought it was Yuenish) is almost getting annoying. For a minute she was laughing with him, then she's angry, then she's all snuggled up to him and now she's angry again. Didn't she just say she wasn't angry with him?.

“Could you give it to Snow for me, 'nak? Explain what it means, or don't use it.”

“Yeah, sure.”

He kissed my forehead. I wore my necklace and raced outside She is outside. To make this easier to grasp, say: I ran inside to get my things together, then stepped then left the apartment or something along those lines, grabbing my things along the way.

Father followed me. “You’re not gonna stay for a while more?” he asked in trepidation Again, breaks the flow. And why would he dread her leaving? This word is too strong, use something like dismay..

“No, Dad.”

“Ok, nak,” he tapped my shoulder. “Let me call Cloud.”

“Cloud?” I asked, perplexed.

“Cloud!” he hollered.

Cloud appeared carrying his valuables.

“He’s to stay with you in the condominium no-one says condominium. Just say condo--in Snow’s place.” Father explained.

How would Snowflake react when she knew that her room was to be transformed into a masculine area? I would never have to find out. This sounds ominous. Just say: I didn't want to find out.

I kissed Father’s cheek.

"Let's go?" Cloud asked impassively Cloud isn't showing any of his qualities that made her like him. Actually, he's just really annoying right now. And can't he string a full sentence together or something? .

I justnodded.

Cloud and I rode in his car. It was almost one in the morning, and we were both exhausted. I know that was one of the reasons why our trip was silent, but I also know that we were both uncomfortable with each other.

I faced the window, like I always did. I knew he was glancing at me, but was being hesitant to even try hesitated see how easy that was? Sometimes, you really need to shorten your sentences. to say anything. I caught three of his glimpses at the side mirror of the car, and every time I looked at him, She wouldn't be able to see him in her side mirror, and she wouldn't be able to see his side mirror's reflection. And anyway, the sentence should be: I held his gaze the three times he glanced at me, and each time he would justturn away. If the incident did not change abouthow we felt for each other, then it was going to be very hard to live with him.

We reached the condominium.

“Snowflake?” I called, slowly pushing her bedroom door. It was open a crack, and I thought that it would be fine to enter.

“Oh, Neesh." Snowflake walked up to me. "I already called Dad’s pilot and I”—inverted commas should be after the dash here, and she caught Cloud’s eyes before the dash here—“what the heck is he doing here?” She poised in an exaggerated manner at the sight of our brother-to-be. You are mixing poised with posed. They are two different words. And how do you pose in an exaggerated manner?

Cloud just smiled.

"He's living herein your place now, Snow," I explained.

“He’s what?!” Snowflake said indignantly. “I am so outta here.” She went into her bedroom, and I followed her.

“I know how you’re feeling, Snow,” I said.

She whisked away threw her clothes into her bag and faced me with tears running down her face Oh come on. What's she crying about? Drama Queen. She then unpredictablyhugged me, to my surprise.

“This is so unfair,” she whispered What's unfair? No one's forcing her to leave. She clutched my shoulders.

I gently rubbed her back. “I know.”

Slowly pulling away, I threw her a cheerless smile. I reached in my pocket and showed her the necklace.

“Where did it come from?” She sniffed.

“From Mom.”

She took the necklace, smiled at me, and said nothing more. She left, not even minding Cloud’s “Take care.”

It was quiet when Snowflake was gone. The last noise I heard was Snowflake'sher banging the door. Cloud silentlyfixedunpacked his things as I stood still, trying to exchange stares with him.

"You must be tired," he finally said, wearing his backpack.

I faintly nodded, slowly finding the way to my room. When I finally had some privacy in my little, plush space, I took out a box of family pictures I hid under my bed. Jumping on the artificial comfort bed, I flashedtook the pictures out of the box. The older ones were settled in the bottom, so it took some time to come to the ones where Mother was still with us.

My favourite picture was our last trip at a bay in the Philippines. I held it up and collapsedlay on my back. The frame was full of boisterous tranquility basically, you're saying peace. Anyway, how can a frame be full of peace?. Closing my eyes, I strived to remember the scene to make it real again. And it was not that hard. I had a way of remembering things pretty well, and after a moment, I could feel Mother’s supple arms wrapped around me; I could see Snowflake climbing on Father’s broad shoulders; I could smell the mightywater; I could hear our chorus of laughter—we were just an ordinary family who had loved each other more than anything else in the world.

I smiled.

But my slightest movements melted the images away. I opened my eyes and I found myself once again in one of the deluxe bedrooms of this lush penthouse in Seattle. It just felt so wrong; I felt so miserable. I lay on my stomach. My face sunk into the pillows. Wearing the necklace while hugging the picture, I cried myself to sleep.
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Telling me that my work has potential totally made my day, Thank you. )

Okay well, I'm tired because it's late so I'll be blunt. This has the same problems as the first. There is less purple prose, admittedly. But you still over-describe, which can get very distracting and make things difficult to read as well as distorting their meaning. And you still use words wrongly quite frequently. And in this chapter, you seem to have developed a taste for dashes. I advice you to get rid of it.

If you go over this and deal with the above problems, it'll be a lot better. So advice you do that too. At the very least, it seems that the story is starting to reach a plot or a point. So that's good. Anyway, good job, and KEEP WRITING!

I shall finally sit down and read this-(reserving spot)

Jash here at last. Its been too long I know. By accident, I watched the trailer first and now.. I'm hooked. The locket creeped my out. Are you the phtographer for that?! Dang it, how can one be so good at everything?!
To be honest I am not going to critque this as skinsy has done most of that. She is one of the greatest reveiwers! So I will simply bow to you, offer praise and applaud you because no one could possibly understand how talented they are without being told.

So Jash, I loved it. The starting had my on edge. Anything that starts with It was a.. or Once apon a.. (you get the drift) makes me fall asleep BUT seeing as it was YOU I read on. And I wasn't disappointed but I still think as such a talented writer you should chose a more interesting start!

I loved how the plot moved forwards. It was well paced-I HATE SLOW MOVING NOVELS!
You deff. choose some very weird names. Yuenish and chase, and cloud and snowflake. Even if they story wasn't any good the names would entertain!

So I must go but I will review the next chapters as soon as I can.
Loving it jash!!
Well done friend.
Keep writing,
Kaka x
xD

First section done so far:
Right now I can pretty clearly say that this is not my type of work. I’m reading this because you obviously put so much time and love and energy into it, and I really like that. I’ve had a few things tick on my annoyance button, but nothing major. Frankly, I’m not a big fan of the style and the word choice, but that’s a personal thing. It just feels like you’re trying to be too serious, and too deep. Again, this is just not my taste in writing style so I feel odd judging already.

2nd Section:
I’m not sure “ejaculated” is the word you want to use. Even if the word is right the connotation attached to that word… it’s like naming a character Dick.

I like the phrase: “an endless cemented pavement edged with successive lampposts”, though I think that maybe “cemented” doesn’t need an ‘ed’. Maybe try “We drove by endless cement pavement edged with successive lampposts.” It’s just a little neater, but the phrase has a certain... word magic is you will, it just sounds nice and all the words fit together so nicely.

I really love the sibling talk. Snowflake comes off as a fairly enjoyable character. The narrator’s voice seems a bit hollow, but I think that was what you were going for. Their dialogue is good, but Snowflake has the better lines.

“I paced to the flowers—stunned”, I don’t think ‘paced’ is the proper word. Try ‘strode’ or simply ‘walked’ or ‘stepped’ or even add a word and get ‘stepped over’. I feel a little like you’re using a thesaurus... the words are just a little too big, a little bit too pretty. It feels a bit unnatural. The words do fit, I think, in definition, but the connotation isn’t always right. ‘Paced’ normally means walking back and forth, often with nerves or agitation. I think you wanted something to do with nervous walking, but paced really isn’t the best word.

“Sedulity painted” I don’t know what this means. I’m not stupid, in fact I’m a regular logophile. Sometimes using words like this is fine, but most of the time it’s forced. I shouldn’t need to run for a dictionary to figure out what’s going on. Also, please don’t use ‘floras’ like that.

You have a really good way of describing senses. I’ve never been good at it, but I can almost feel what you’re describing.

One thing, it’s really hard for someone with sable hair to produce not just one but two white-blonde haired girls… it’s just genetics… unless the hair darkened when the girls got older.

Overall:

I finally got into the story, but it took a while. This is not my type of story, it just doesn’t get me. It’s also nearly 5 in the morning so I’m a little out of it. Here’s what I suggest:
1)You have a lot of talent, but I can see it in odd places. There are certain things you describe which you clearly know a lot about, and then there are things that you just put too much description into when there really doesn’t need to be that much description. Certain things come off as more juvenile… not bad, but definitely not normal. Children can’t really show a talent for writing at 2. Here’s what they can do though: love stories, spend a lot of time imagining, wish they could just make up stories all their lives.
2) tone the words down. I’m going to suggest to you a study called “Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly”, just for the title alone. You use so many big words that it’s distracting and often you don’t use the right word which is even more distracting.
3) Start with a bang. Your story is hard to get into. I’m not saying start with a chase scene, but you spend so much time explaining. Rearrange your chapter to have the woman come in with her son and announce the engagement and have Snowflake’s reaction and then do everything else.
4) Your word choice is your worst enemy. You spend so much time describing things that you’re not good at describing. You’re good with dialogue and with description of sensations, especially touch. Focus on those. I suggest reading a bit of Crime fiction; try a Raymond Chandler or Ed McBain. You need to use less words and be more straight forward.
5) The character of the father is interesting, as is Snowflake. You introduced a lot of characters in a way that was really fast and hard to remember, so slow that part down. Focus on describing your characters better. I can’t get a handle on the main character’s age. I thought at one point she said she was 24, and other times when she’s with her friends I feel like she’s 15. I can’t tell.
6) The part with their mother was so sweet I could feel my eyes stinging. Most kids don’t ask about death, and the way they started the conversation was a little… hard to swallow, but the conversation itself was really sweet.

I don’t want to sound mean, and frankly if you’re really upset by all this I don’t mind. There’s a definite talent behind this story, which is just great. It’s like I feel as if you’d just sand it down a little bit you’d find magic. I found magic in some of your turns of phrase and in some of the characters. I’m being a little harsh on critique because I’m handing you sandpaper.

Hi Jash!
Wow, you have AMAZING writing skillzzzzzz!
The detail is wonderful and I can tell that the plot is great!
I missed a lot by not reviewing sooner!
Your way of writing is very creative and very realistic.
You did a great job and I cannot wait to read the rest!

Hey Jash! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a review!

It also crossed my mind that only ten years had gone by, Father, clothed, as ever simple as he had been, with a shirt and a pair of slacks, had stood next to the little girl, with a poise showing fearsome courage.

A little comma happy, are we? I'd cut some commas, and split it into two sentences. Something like:
It also crossed my mind that only ten years had gone by. Father, clothed as ever simple as he had been with a shirt and a pair of slacks had stood next to the little girl with a poise showing fearsome courage.
Try reading your sentences out loud when they get comma heavy like this, pausing every time there is a comma. You can see how unnatural they are when spoken a lot easier than when just looking at them.

I rested a cheek on my arms horizontally lain on the open window and smelled the odd scent of dried leaves.

That bit is awkwardly worded. I'd make it something more like "my arms resting on the open window". The whole horizontally lain is weird and unneeded.

Gumamelas and Sampaguitas--flowers I had not seen for far too long than what I thought I could not bear.

Overly wordy sentence. I'd cut the last bit. The sentence keeps the same essence without so many words to bog the reader down.

Snowflake and I reposed in Father’s room.

Reposed? It sounds far too formal, and comes off as awkward. It doesn't sound like a word your MC, who seems rather young, would use. Especially since a few sentences later she used the word "plopped". Make sure the language of the narrative fits the narrator (the MC).

—of course, you would have to cry for awhile, if you really love and dear that person.

The "and dear" doesn't make sense, at least not to me, in this sentence.

So when Snowflake's defiance had gotten under Father's skin, he finally gave in and let Snowflake move into New York to study at Julliard University.

Julliard is a music school. I don't believe they have a dance program? Maybe they do, but make sure you do your research

The frame was full of boisterous tranquility.

How is something boisterous and tranquil at the same time? They're opposites

Alright. This was a pretty good first chapter. I'm intruiged to read more, which is always a plus. There were just a few things that really stood out that could use some work.

The whole first portion of the chapter was super confusing. Pretty much everything before they got to the penthouse had be thinking "wait, what's happening?" while I read it. There is a lot of really flowery language, all stepping around what is going on without every saying what is exactly happening. It wasn't until much later in the chapter that I understood that their mother had died, and that they were going to visit their father. Though, I didn't quite understand how they got from New York to Seattle (if they even did? I thought they were in New York in the beginning, but then they were in Seattle...). Basically, there just needs to be a good bit more clarification. xD Try reading through it a couple times, even reading it out loud, and clarify anything that might seem like it could confuse a reader.

Yuenish is the narrator, as well as the main character. The story is told through her eyes, through her words. At the beginning of the story, the language is so flowery, heavy, and thick that it was hard to read and understand and it didn't seem to fit an eighteen year old girl. It settled out considerably as the chapter progressed, and actually seemed to fit her towards the end. The beginning is just so filled with words that it's hard to get through. I'd love to see the whole chapter with her voice like it is in the end. Remember, she's eighteen. She'll talk like an eighteen year old girl, even if she is a writer/very literarily cultured. How many people do you know at that age who actually speak/think the way Yuenish speaks/thinks in this chapter? Probably not many. Creating a realistic voice for your character is a big part of bringing a reader into the story and getting them close to your characters.

The only other thing was I had some confusion towards the end concerning Cloud. Why was he staying with Yuenish? Even if his mom was marrying their dad, he would still have his own house to live in at least until they got married (unless they were all moving in together). Also, where did Snowflake go? Does she live somewhere else/have somewhere else to stay? Because it seems like she's being kicked out, which is weird and I'm fairly sure incorrect. xD

That's all I have to say. Again, this was a pretty good chapter and has a lot of potential, it just needs to be smoothed out a bit in some places. Good luck and keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-

Thanks so much Lauren!