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The Hunting Dog - Chapter 3



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Wed Jun 15, 2011 3:24 am
Payne says...



Chapter 3


Pavo woke with a start, the now-familiar pain digging into his arm. It perfectly accompanied his gritty eyes and aching back.

He pushed himself into a sitting position with his good arm, leaning against the wall. He groaned in the back of his throat as he did so. It hurt like hell, that was for sure, but something seemed to have changed. When he opened his eyes, meaning to inspect the wound, he was instead greeted by the sight of a small fire burning a few feet away from him, lighting the entire cave. A man was sitting on the other side of the fire, pressed up against the wall and staring at him in a somewhat horrified manner. A goat was lying down near the entrance to the cave, watching them both with mild interest. It was pitch-dark outside, so he had obviously been sleeping for a while. He could hear howling wind.

“Who the hell are you?” he demanded, turning to face the stranger. His vision blurred momentarily as the walls caught up with the movement of his head.

“Who are you?

“I asked first, so maybe you should answer first.” Pavo swallowed with some difficulty; his voice sounded like a rock being dragged against the wall.

The man—actually, he was little more than a boy—glared at him. “My name is Cane. Who are you, and what are you doing out here?”

“The name’s Pavo. And what I’m doing out here is dying slowly, thank you very much. Now kindly go, and take your horned friend with you.”

The boy peered at him. “What do you mean, dying?”

There was curiosity in his voice, and Pavo didn’t particularly care for it. He’d heard stories about bandits living out here in the wilderness, just waiting for some unsuspecting traveler to rob, and possibly murder.

He decided to tread carefully. “What I mean, is that I’m utterly lost, and I haven’t had a drop to drink in two days. This damned desert is unending.”

“Fine, then. When the storm dies down, I shall leave you to it.”

Pavo gave him a second look. The fire—which appeared to be just a strangely burning plant—showed his young, somewhat nervous face in great detail. He didn’t look or sound like a bandit; just an irritated adolescent.

“What are you doing out here, anyway?”

The boy gave him a wary glance. “I am on a pilgrimage to the town of Kaitos.”

“And where is that?”

“West.”

Traveling east was what had landed Pavo in this mess. West evidently meant getting back to civilization.

“Well, Cane,” he said, making his tone nice and chummy. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’m sorry about the hostility earlier; it’s just sort of odd to fall asleep in an empty cave and wake up with company.”

“I thought that the cave was empty when I came in. The goat led me here.”

“Ah.” Pavo smiled brightly. “Well, Sir Pilgrim, would you mind terribly if I came along with you? I’m afraid my horse deserted me—no joke intended—and I don’t fancy the idea of wandering aimlessly through the sand until my legs fall off.”

He could tell the boy was thinking it over carefully. “It’s a five-day walk, and I was sent out with enough water for myself. It won’t be an easy journey.”

Pavo kept his smile in place. “I can make it, no worries.” Anything to get me out of this damn place.

“Hmph.”

“Should I take that as a ‘yes,’ Sir Pilgrim?”

“Alright, I guess so. But if you start to slow me down, I will leave you on your own.”

Pavo was suddenly very happy that he had obeyed his instincts and neglected to mention his injury. “I believe we have a deal, Cane.”



The next day, as Cane and the goat led him across the desert, Pavo marveled at the vast number of identical sand dunes, identical cacti, and identical patches of anemic grass.

The boy was indeed young, maybe in his late teens. In the light of day, Pavo had gotten a better look at him; his hair was black, tidy in contrast to his well-worn clothing. His skin was light brown, a shade that was rare where Pavo came from, but he assumed that if he lived in the desert long enough, he would attain a similar skin-tone. But the boy’s eyes were most unsetting—a very pale blue that almost hurt Pavo’s own eyes. He tried to avoid making direct eye-contact for too long.

“Do you really know where you’re going?” he called, squinting across the shiny ground and lagging behind somewhat.

“Nothing has changed since the last time you asked me that.”

Sighing, Pavo reached for his flask with his good hand. Ah, good. Nearly empty. I should just stab myself right now. Cane had filled it from his own wineskin, but the meager portion wasn’t going to last much longer.

“How far did you say this town was?”

The boy turned and looked at him. “A four-day walk from here. Longer, if you don’t pick up the pace.”

They walked in silence for a while. The goat stayed close, only pausing to sniff a rock here or nibble at some grass there.

“Is she your pet?” Pavo inquired.

The boy shook his head. “If you insist on chatting, don’t make me keep shouting over the wind.”

Sighing, he caught up with Cane and repeated his question.

“No, she’s not mine. I found her in the desert, and she’s been following me since.”

“Does she at least have a name?”

“I do not name things I may end up eating.”

“Even a doomed man has a name.” Pavo looked over at the goat. “Capella seems fitting enough.”

“What kind of name is that?” demanded the boy.

“You have no sense of the dramatic, do you?”

“What?”

Pavo sighed. This will be a very long walk…



They walked for two days, and Pavo tried to ignore his injury. He’d discreetely washed it with a bit of spit the first day—not wanting to waste his precious water—but now he was almost afraid to look at it. Last time he had seen it, the edges of the gash were swollen and yellow, with painful redness stills spreading up his arm. He was certain that Cane would abandon him if he saw it; the prospect was not a pleasant one.

The sky had taken on a strange habit of swirling momentarily, the clouds racing around willy-nilly like crazed…crazed...

He forgot the word that had previously come to mind. And this terribly rare loss for words was what brought him to reality.

“Excuse me,” he said. That was odd…it must have been a trick of the sand, because his voice sounded miles away from his ears. “I feel sort of faint…”

The last thing he saw was a pair of unnervingly blue eyes.



Last edited by Payne on Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:01 am, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:30 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Payne! Here for a review, sorry it's taken me a while to get to. :3

I really liked this chapter. It was short, but somehow you managed to get a lot packed in and you were able to really convey the way the characters related. I loved the way they interact, and if they're going on this journey together, I am really looking forward to it.

I felt like there was some confusion at the beginning...you left off the last chapter with Cane falling asleep in the cave, and now someone else is waking up in it, so the POV switch threw me off at first. Also, I'm a bit confused why Pavo's joining Cane and why he doesn't seem to know his way around when he appears to be a grown man? Unless I missed something here.

Leo swallowed with some difficulty;

Looks like you missed a name change there. ;)

Well...there's really not much else I can say. This was great, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:56 pm
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purpleandblue22 says...



Hey! Here to review!

I haven't read the ealier chapters, so if I say something that makes no sence compared to what you already wrote, please ignore it.

Payne wrote:The man—nay, he was little more than a boy—glared at him a bit warily. “My name is Cane. Now who are you, and what are you doing out here?”


The "nay" seems completely out of place in this sort of story. Again, I'm just going off of what I read, but it sounds like Pavo would say "no" instead.

Other than that, I don't see any other blairing mistakes. I love the diologe between Cane and Pavo. That, and Pavo's personality is really unique.

Keep writing,

--Bee--
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson
  





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Fri Nov 18, 2011 1:32 am
confetti says...



I read a couple chapters last night, but I was too tired to review them. The immediate thing I noticed is how fast the story is moving now. It had a good pace before, during the first two chapters, but in this one it speeds up. It's not that it's action packed, it's just that the pacing is off. Does that make sense? I hope it does. But let's get to reviewing this particular chapter.

When I first read this, I was confused. Because you ended with Cane's point of view (in a sense) and began with this Pavo fellow. I honestly went back to the second chapter to confirm that his name was still Cane. Though, this did strike an idea that I wanted to share. Perhaps you should include a chapter before this one, after the first chapter, in which it's Pavo's view. It would be interesting to see how Pavo arrived at the cave in the first place. It would also be interesting to see how the two happened across one another and then by the time they meet, we're familiar with both characters. It would also expand your story. Just something I wanted to share if you're going to be using both points of view, if you catch my drift.

I still don't understand what a pilgrimage is. While I was reading this chapter and chapter 4, I was getting a clearer idea, but I'm not sure if it's the right idea.

“Ah.” Pavo smiled brightly. “Well, Sir Pilgrim, would you mind terribly if I came along with you? I’m afraid my horse deserted me—no joke intended—and I don’t fancy the idea of wandering aimlessly through the sand until my legs fall off.”

I think this is the moment when it begins to move all too quickly. I like the idea of Cane meeting someone to bring along with him, it adds interest, but I think it should be more gradual. I'd love to see them talk more, but I'm not sure if you can do that. They don't exactly have much to talk about, after all.
They walked for two days, and Pavo tried to ignore his injury.

Again, this makes me feel like it's going too fast. I would love to see them on their journey, walking and talking. Maybe Pavo could tell Cane about how he got his injury. I'm sure that would make for an interesting story.

Really, my biggest issue with this chapter was the pacing. I would suggest slowing it down and adding more detail and dialogue. The two characters should take the time to get to know each other better before setting off on a journey together. As well, the two could have a mutualism type of relationship. Perhaps Pavo knows the way and Cane knows how to get food. That's really just an example, but it would make their relationship more purposeful.

One more thing before I go, I just thought of this. Pavo has a personality, it's decently defined for the short amount of time that we've known him for. Cane does not. Although the readers have known Cane for longer, his personality is harder to place. It's probably because he doesn't have much of one. We don't really get to know his thoughts and feelings and I feel that it's important that we do. Make your readers fall in love with your characters, or, if that wasn't the intention, make them hate your characters. Just make them feel something for your characters. Right now, I don't care much for Cane, but I do quite like Pavo.

Anyways, that's about it. I suppose you could afford to add more detail into the story, but it's not overly important at the moment. Hope this helped, and I shall be getting to the next chapter soon!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:47 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Pavo woke with a start, the now-familiar pain digging into his arm. It perfectly accompanied his gritty eyes and aching back.


I don’t really get how pain can be the perfect accompaniment for gritty eyes and an aching back. I don’t know, the phrase sounds a little odd to me. I’d try to find a better way to start the chapter.

Besides that, I think everything went really smooth. I like Pavo so far, can’t wait to read more about him. My favorite part of the chapter was their conversation over the goat and how Cain wouldn’t name something that he might end up eating lol xD That was great.

Oh, one typo at the end
He’d discreetely washed it with a bit of spit the first day—not wanting to waste his precious water—but now he was almost afraid to look at it.

Should be discretely

That’s it! Chap 4 up next.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall