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Silver Chains~ Chapter 1



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Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:32 pm
Silverdragon150 says...



Hey! Silver Chains is back! Sorry for the long wait, guys, I had writers block for a while on how to write the first part. But, for anyone who's still looking forward to reading this, here it is.

Chapter 1

“Our continent, Akorye, is ovaloid in shape, almost circular, ans lies in the eastern part of the ocean. It has two mountain ranges that stretch across it diagonally, dividing it into three bands.” Silvius poked the different sections of her life-like scale medel with her tail tip.
“How do you know so much, SIlvius?” Garnet asked her mother, climbing on her shoulder to get a better view of the continent.
“If you fly high enough, you can see the whole continent well.” The experienced dragon replied. “I have a Sky Dragon friend who floats over Akorye and has a most spectacular view from his den.” She glanced up at her daughter.
Beryl, still on the ground, pounced on another landmass near the mini Akorye as he would a mouse. “What’s this?” He blinked as he saw that the blue stones representing the ocean didn’t go all the way around it. “It’s connected to Akorye!”
“That is the continent of Caledon- it’s Akorye’s sister continent. The area that connects them is an inhospitable desert bordered by mountains. Very few beings can cross it.”
“What’s in hospital?” Beryl stumbled over the long word, and wrinkled his nose at how it didn’t cound right, or nearly as fluid as his mother had said it.
“In-hos-pit-able. It means that no one can live there and the area is very dangerous.” Silvius told him.
“Oh… sounds nasty.” He frowned.
“It is. There are many more dragons in Akorye than there are in Caledon, and as I said, very few being can ever cross from one continent to the other. When you two are older, we might be able to fly to Caledon one day, but it’s still a very long and hard trip, even for us dragons.” She told her excitable wyrmlings, giving them something to keep in mind.
“If dragons can fly over the mountains, then why aren’t there more of them in Caledon?” Garnet asked, her small voice quite clear in her mother’s ear.
“Caledon doesn’t have many mountains- it’s much more wooded and has more lakes than Akorye. Most of the dragons there are smaller and have to live in trees or at the bottom of the lakes. Do you want to live in a tree?” She questioned.
Taken aback, Beryl’s head jerked up and his snout wrinkled again in disgust. “No thanks! I want to grow up and be big and live in a mountain, just like you, Silvius!” He pounced on his mother’s tail as it passed him. Garnet nodded in agreement and slid down Silvius’ back.
“That’s good to know.” She purred, watching Garnet land on the sandy floor and kick some sand at Beryl, who squealed in surprise and kicked some back.
Amused, Silvius watched as Garnet hopped over her tail and they proceeded to fling sand at each other, though the only thing they managed to accomplish was to cover her tail in the fine grains. In the end, she shook her tail a bit and sprayed them both, chuckling at their squeaks of delight.
Something passed over her vision- like a shadow passes over the ground; a flash of blue, open sky, and a dark dot. “Hush, both of you.”
They quickly quieted down, Garnet looking at her mother curiously. “…Silvius…” She said quietly before continuing, “Silvius, the air changed…” Frustrated at inability or elaborate further, she pawed slightly at the older dragon’s foot.
“Very observant of you, little one.” She soothed Garnet, even as she reached out to identify what was near. “One of my magical warnings has gone off- there’s something moving nearby that’s about my size.” She told her young kin. “Both of you stay here, and I’ll be back momentarily.”
Beryl looked like he was about to protest, but didn’t get the chance, as Garnet quickly said “Yes, Silvius! We’ll wait here.” and sat in the sand. Beryl followed suit unhappily.
Satisfied, Silvius turned and made her way along the chamber towards the entrance of the den. Pausing at the entrance, she reached out once again with not only her senses but her mind’s magical eye. She then saw what had caused this disturbance- he sat in the grass, looking around, a bit befuddled by how he could not find her cave entrance. Well, maybe I’ve gotten better at hiding it. Ha.
She slithered out of her den entrance, and worked her way to the top of a rock pile near the entrance. “Hmm… What do we have here…” She raised an eyeridge at the dragon loitering on her front lawn.
The golden dragon blinked in surprise by her sudden appearance. He was large for a male, almost as big as Silvius, and well built. His scales were shiny and polished, showing he actually cared a bit about his hygiene, as opposed to some other dragons. “Silvius!” The golden dragon blinked his blue eyes.
“Sovann.” She blinked back, amused. “Now, why are you here, may I ask?”
He shuffled his feet. “Can’t I come and check on my family a few times a year?”
She rolled her eyes- it had actually been three years since she had seen him last. She sent a telepathic message to her young ones. Beryl, Garnet, come. I have someone here who wants to meet you.
After a moment she heard the squeaks and scratches as they barreled down the hall, and sand flew everywhere as they raced to stand beside her on the rock pile. “I won!” Garnet squealed as she touched Silvius’ tail.
“No way! I was on the pile first!” Beryl argued.
“Calm yourselves. Both of you come here.” Silvius purred. They could settle that out later.
They both poked their heads up over the pile and around her feet, curiosity getting quite the better of them. “Now, wyrmlings, I want you to meet your father, Sovann.”
Beryl brightened up. “Woah!”
Garnet slid down the pile and stumbled over to Sovann. “He’s so big and gold and shiny!” She squeaked in delight as her new father tried to follow her actions with his head as she wove in and out of his legs. Beryl snuck around and jumped on his tail, causing Sovann’s head to shoot up in surprise. Beryl burst out laughing and shot out from between the golden dragon’s legs and up into his mother’s. Garnet danced around and soon was distracted by a butterfly, then Beryl chased after her, trying to eat it before she did. Silvius just rolled her eyes. Wyrmlings. What can you do?
Sovann’s eyes followed them. “…Two? I thought you had four eggs…”
Silvius sighed. “Must you always be so blunt in these matters?” She stepped down from the rock pile and sat near him. “Yes. There were four.” She looked at him. “The day they hatched I was raided by knights. One of the name Didros was killed, Beryl was injured, Garnet was protected, but their sister Crysanthia was taken by them. Taken! By Humans!”
Sovann flinched back from the sudden harshness in her tone. “Oh…. I’m sorry…”
She turned on him, her eyes reverting to slits. “Sorry? And where were you? Off napping after a feast of goat? Pestering some random griffons? You weren’t here, and that’s what’s important. I know you males don’t think of everything and don’t have the best sense of danger, but you could at least reach out and check a few times to make sure your mate isn’t weeping in sorrow!” She hissed at him.
The golden dragon fell silent. He admitted he had not been here…
Silvius turned back to watching the wyrmlings. “I do not believe that Chrysanthia is dead. I can still feel her magical signature very vaguely. But, I can sense that she has been changed. I just wonder how long it will be until they do kill her-“ Silvius traded a more casual glance with Sovann. “Or what they’ve done to her.”
~*~
The air swooshed as the door was opened forcefully. “Alida? ALIDA!” There was a pause, and no response. The woman stared at an empty room. Frustrated, she slammed the door and stalked off down the hall.
Alida cautiously peeked out from behind the edge of her bed- being still a small girl had its advantages. But, she couldn’t hide forever, and at this point if she was found- well, it was obvious her mother was very mad at her.
With renewed vigor, she pushed herself off the floor and pulled the stocky crowbar from underneath her bed. She paused, remembering just how long it had taken to smuggle it into her room. “Well, here goes nothing.”
Grabbing her small pack and swinging it onto her shoulder, she ran quietly to her window and forcefully wedged the crowbar in between the sill and the window. Every time she did this, she risked discovery and some serious punishment, but sometimes she’d do anything for a little fresh air. She pushed down on it, forcing her window out of its insanely sticky point near the bottom and popping up- after which she once again stashed away the crowbar. Holding it up, she climbed part of the way out and pulled a rock off of her floor near her. She propped the window open a bit with the rock and jumped to a sturdy tree branch of the gnarly, old, mostly dead oak tree in her family’s yard. Carefully climbing down, she broke into a run as to get out of sight as soon as possible- now she just needed to stay disappeared for a while and return unnoticed later- with her parents, out of sight out of mind seemed to be the case. She ran into the small woods near her house and weaved her way through. It was market day in the village nearby, and she wanted to at least look around one way or another. So what if she didn’t have any money- she was tired of being stuck inside doing unreasonable chores all day, and she needed to stretch her legs.
It wasn’t long until she found her way to the market. Fresh smells of baked goods and perfumes wafted between the stalls as people murmured to each other in the crowded streets. She weaved through the mass of milling people, not that she had anywhere to go, but she loved to watch some of the master-workers at their trades as they made custom orders. Alida peeked into a make-shift shop and watched with the crowd of people. The man blew an orb of glass on the end of a long pole. It’s like the perfect bubble! She smiled as she watched the worker cut the orb from the pole and set it out to harden. She turned from the shop and froze, seeing exactly the person she was hoping not to meet here today. She wasn’t supposed to come to the market today! Suddenly very embarrassed by the thought that her plot could be found out in its entirety with this one small mistake, she attempted to keep to creep into the crowd around another stall, but wasn’t quite fast enough.
“Alida!” The girl rushed over and grabbed her hand. “What are you doing here? Does mother know you’re out?”
Alida gave her a venomous glare. “Do you THINK mother knows?” She snapped, then flushed as she instantly regretted being mean to her older sister- the one person who really cared for her welfare.
Najila frowned. “Don’t give me that.” She gently padded Alida’s cheek.
Alida couldn’t look at her. “Mother would never let me come to the market. But she used to! She used to, Najila! But she never does anymore. I got so sick of staying inside like some sick disgrace that… I snuck out.”
“Oh, Alida. I understand. But come now, we should really get you home before mother decides to give you more work for becoming invisible again.” She stood up again and led her sister back towards the edge of town.
Alida’s heart sank- she had barely gotten to do anything at the market today! But she wouldn’t fight her sister. “Naj?”
“Hmm?”
“Is glass really made from molten sand? Like, if you heated up sand so that it melted, you’d get glass?” Alida asked, enthused by what she had seen the glassblower do.
“I believe so.” Naj gave her young sister a wary glance. “I hope you’re not getting any ideas- you’d have to heat it up to the point where it melts, and that’s a lot higher than even you can handle.”
“But I just need more practice! You know that I could do a lot of great things if I practiced my magic- you’ve even said so yourself! But why doesn’t mother like my magic?” She wailed in despair.
Naj just shrugged. “I don’t know. But you’d need to practice on smaller things first, anyways. I think your magic is wonderful, and we’ll just have to wait until we can show mother that.” She smiled.
Alida looked up at her sister- so tall and slim and beautiful. Naj had said Alida looked just like her, but she had never really believed it. Najila was wonderful- she understood her and always tried to make her smile. She kept her secrets and told her wonderful stories about faraway lands. Najila had a different type of magic- the type she wished she had, instead of this ability of hers. The only thing she managed to do was make mother mad at her.
They walked the rest of the way back home in silence. As they neared their house, Naj paused, but Alida failed to notice. Naj pulled her back behind a tree. “Wait.”
“Why?” Alida blinked, then cautiously looked around the tree.
Their mother stood out in front of their house, talking with what she guessed to be the mailman. “…I can’t hear what they’re saying…”
Naj smiled. “Here’s a chance to practice what I told you about a few days ago, bending sound waves.”
Alida grinned- she was good at this. She crept a little farther from behind the tree, and moved her hand slightly. She imagined the air between them and the conversers shifting, and the sound waves traveling directly to them.
“…Already some have caught wind of it, ma’am, and I believe that you should receive a response in a few days’ time. I also hear that many wizards a bit north of here are looking for an apprentice- a few very wealthy wizards.” The postman was saying.
“Good. The sooner I can get her off my chest the better. Already she’s done her disappearing act again- and she’s no use to me if I can’t find her to give her things to do.” Their mother crossed her arms. With that, the postman left.
Alida crept back behind the tree and slid to the ground. “Naj… She wants to get rid of me!”
Naj shook her head. “No, she wants to find someone who will train you! Then you can become a better magic user!” She tried to pull Alida back to her feet.
“But… But… I don’t want to leave, Naj! And what if they’re mean? What if they live really far away? I want to be here with the market and you and the rolling hills!” Alida frowned. But I don’t want to live under mother. She realized. I want to be able to use my magic and still be with Naj.
Naj sighed. “I guess… We can’t have everything, Alida.” With that, she picked her sister up off the ground. “Come now, you’re almost thirteen, surely you can work this out.”
Alida blinked. “I don’t feel thirteen. I feel ten. Mother says I look eight.”
“Well, maybe mother’s wrong. Or maybe that’s just another special thing about you- maybe magic users age slower so they have more time to practice their magic.” Naj smiled. Alida smiled too at that thought, and allowed her sister to lead her the rest of the way back to their small corner of the world.
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 975
Reviews: 8
Sun Oct 16, 2011 12:04 am
RachelJY says...



Wow...Completely amazing. I loved it! It's flawless. It showed how much we see set things in a set way. Instead of the usually thing of dragons being uncaring , you showed that dragons could have mercy and be victims. Your details regarding the dragons were excellent, and it really feels like you actually know about your world and the creatures in it. I love the scean where the mother is teaching her children about the world outside of their cave, and the way they play like little children do. I really want to know what happened to the other dragon, and how your going to bring Alida into the story. can't wait to read more, I just love stories with dragons.
Happy moments-praiseGod
Difficult moments- seek God
Quiet moments- worship God
Painful moments- trust God
All the time- thank God
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:13 pm
Calligraphy says...



Nitpicks.

1. Whoa, over-load of information in this first chapter. Even if you did it cleverly through the younger dragons asking questions I'm still never going to be able to remember all these geographical features so quickly. Give details like that slowly over time throughout the story. We don't need to know this all right away. Plus, starting with so many little details isn't very interesting to the reader. If I picked this off the shelf I'd flip right through that first part to where the action starts. Get the reader hooked in first with a good beginning and then you can give them all those annoying details that have to be given later when you absolutely need to.

2.
She then saw what had caused this disturbance- he sat in the grass, looking around, a bit befuddled by how he could not find her cave entrance. Well, maybe I’ve gotten better at hiding it. Ha.
Thoughts can be grammatically correct a few different ways, but you should clarify them in some way. Personally I put thoughts in italics because I think it is easiest:

She then saw what had caused this disturbance- he sat in the grass, looking around, a bit befuddled by how he could not find her cave entrance. Well, maybe I’ve gotten better at hiding it. Ha.
You could also quotes like this:

She then saw what had caused this disturbance- he sat in the grass, looking around, a bit befuddled by how he could not find her cave entrance. "Well, maybe I’ve gotten better at hiding it. Ha," she thought.
I think that is too easily confused with dialogue though. But, in any case, you should clarify thoughts somehow or else it can be confusing with the reader.

3. The one grammatical mistake you seemed to make a lot besides for your fairly large amount of typos was your use of commas after speech tags. For example:
She snapped, then flushed as she instantly regretted being mean to her older sister- the one person who really cared for her welfare.
This could either have no comma or it could have 'she snapped, and then..' because 'she snapped' is a complete thought. Another example of when you do this is:

Garnet asked, her small voice quite clear in her mother’s ear.
This should have no comma. It can have nothing or a semi-colon.

One more:

Alida blinked, then cautiously looked around the tree.


Overall, I really liked this. Your characters were good, and I really liked their personalities. They weren't bland, but not over the top like some I've seen either. Plus, I care about them. Managing that in one chapter is really good. I want to know what happens to the girl because I can relate to her even if she lives in a different world. I also care about the dragons and how the baby dragon that was taken is. Great job! If you have any questions P.M. me!

Hope I helped,

Calli
  








Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
— Paul Brandt