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Moonlight (Chapter 3)



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Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:00 am
irsyad23 says...



Chapter 3

Malvera Town, 1851

“I am going out tonight.” A man informed his wife, who was busy sewing. The cottage they lived in was just perfect for the couple, who had a boy. Edna, his wife was pregnant and he could not deny the fact that he was jolly.

“Where’re you going?” Edna asked fondly. That was the best quality he found in his wife, loving and fond.

“Business. The Government has something important for me.” He said while putting on his black hat after he wore his black-protective-leather jacket. His blonde hair tugged neatly inside the hat.

His wife stood up and reached for him, holding his head with both hands, pulling him closer to her.

“Be careful, honey.” She said in low, hissing voice. Her round-eyes with blue iris looked deeply in his. He took his hand to her face, caressing her cheek and she smiled.

“I will.” He promised. He left after a kiss. He loved her so much. They’d been married for three years and his love her never fade.

He passed the lonely street. It was dark, with only some lamp oil along the street. At night, Malvera Town was silent, shops and factory were closed.

The chilling wind in autumn blew; sending leaves to the road, making it look messy.

It was not surprising for him to found that a boy was still lingering in the town, walking weakly in uncertain direction. The boy caught his attention.

He moved towards him, making the young boy afraid as he took few steps backwards.

“Don’t be afraid, child,” he said, throwing a sincere smile at him, “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. My parents dumped me.” He confessed with a low, wary voice. He could sense sadness in his tone. At first, he didn’t know why he was so attracted to the little boy. There was some kind of aura flowing through the little boy’s body.

“What are you looking for?” he asked. There was a silence for a brief moment. Surely, the boy was thinking for an answer.

“Food.”

“I can give you food,” he volunteered, “By the way, what’s your name?” he asked while he crouched in front of him. The acquaintance had somehow grown into a new father-son relationship.

“Marcus!” a voice of a man heard from their side. Two figures came out of the dark, strolling towards them.

“I thought the ‘Secret Meeting’ will be held at Sea Dune. But we waited there for long,” one of them explained.

“My apology, Mr Springfield,” he said, “I came across this boy. The destined one.” He explained.

The men looked reluctantly to him.

“This garbage?” the taller one said, ignoring the low-life.

“This boy is precious. He may be the one who take my place soon.” Marcus said.

“Alright, enough of that, your duties, remember?” said Mr Springfield.

“What now?”

“Werewolves, they’re coming from west.”

“Tomorrow will be full moon. So I must take them down tonight,” Marcus promised, “With the right perks.”

“We’ll give a hundred-Pewter for you this time. Hunter, prove you might. Make the werewolf leave this town, for the sake of our king.

“Not for our king, maybe for everyone safety.” Marcus corrected him. Hunter didn’t work to serve king. That was the first rule of hunter.
The boy stayed at the place Marcus stated while Marcus gone in the forest, hunting for werewolves.

“What will he do?” the boy thought to himself, taking the decision to follow Marcus into the forest, in a safe distance so that Marcus couldn’t sense him.
Marcus walked warily under the shade from the moonlight, listening to silence.

Egad! It was Hunter!

The thought was quite visible to Marcus. The husky-rough male voice must be coming from the werewolves. They’re frightened of Hunter, especially the one that they knew well, Marcus.

“You can’t change tonight, didn’t you?” Marcus exclaimed with mocking tone. He could sense many wolves surrounding him.

Out of nothing, a man pursuit charged at him, holding a deadly-long knife, ready to jab Marcus.
Marcus countered the attack by holding the half-man-half-wolf, hand and he was locked.

“Too weak,” Marcus stated as he kicked him on the head.

Marcus didn’t realize that they were another two wolf men lunged at him while he wasn’t looking.

“Marcus! Behind you!” a boy squeaked, alarming Marcus. He crouched to evade to upcoming attack and shot them both using his gun.

He couldn’t deny that the boy was a helper, but the fact that he’d followed him into the forest was something forbade since it was dangerous.

“What are you doing here?!” Marcus asked after shooting the third wolf man.

“I was just…”

“Cut off! Now go back!” Marcus didn’t let him finished his reason, “Stay at where you supposed to.” Marcus commanded.

He nodded and left.
***
Marcus came back with light wounds on his arm. Werewolves in their human form were no match for him. Edna was used to the kind of situation. She was the one who treated him always.

“Who’s this boy?” Edna asked keenly as it was the first time he brought back a boy.
Marcus sat on the chair after taking off his cloth, with his hand rested on the dining table.

“Will. He’ll be staying with us for a brief time.” Marcus explained, “I’ll be his master.”
***
If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. No matter how hard it is, just keep moving forward.
  





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Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:55 pm
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Tenyo says...



Ello again!

Whosi whatsi's
It might be worth me mentioning now that character names are a good thing to have. Keep them simple and memorable. Remember that whenever you use a phrase like 'a man,' to your reader, that is a random man, one who is average an uninteresting. Giving him a name tells your reader that he has an actual purpose and a roll. It also makes him more identifiable, and your reader will feel a greater connection to him.

Punctuation
I'll take a moment to say that you have a pretty good grasp of punctuation in general, you keep it quite varied and balanced. My only suggestion is to watch out for the overuse of commas. Used sparingly they can be effective, but used in excess and they are frustrating to read. The easiest way to work out where they should go is to take them out, and if the sentence still makes sense without it, then you don't need it.

Destiny!
Try not to play up on the whole destiny thing too much. Knowing that someone is destined to do something great is kind of like a giant spoiler for the rest of the plot. It makes it obvious to the reader that something big is going to happen with this character that he can't really do anything about. It's just something to remember, if you keep the mystery then you keep your reader interested.

I'd say that the length of this scene is much better than the first few, so keep aiming for that. This still requires work but I really do hope you keep improving, and keep writing. There is definately a charm to this that has well convinced me to reading onwards.
We were born to be amazing.
  








Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri