Young Writers Society

The Blood Curse

Chapter ONE

Lights pulsated through the gothic themed club, music blearing from the huge sound systems which covered each wall. Damien sat quietly in a secluded booth in the corner, swirling his lime green drink around with his straw. His raven black hair hung effortlessly over his ivory coloured face, covering his dark red eyes. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Taking the last few swigs of his drink, he walked up to the bar and sat down on one of the black stools. He knew what he had to do and as much as he hated it, he had to stay alive. Turning to the girl beside him, he flashed an irresistible smile.
“Hello, my name is Damien. And you are?” The girls’ cheeks flushed a deep pink and as if to correct herself, she straightened up.
“Hey handsome,” She replied brushing her curly orange hair away from her face.
'She’s mouth-watering…' He thought to himself, as the scent of her became noticeable.
“My name’s Gabe… How are you?” her voice was low and attractive.
'Shit' he thought to himself 'don’t get attached to the pray'.
Damien took a breath, it was time. He stared straight into her dark green eyes and concentrated hard. Slowly, they became hazy and unfocused.
“I am thirsty. Follow me to the back ally, and don’t say a word.” His deep voice was as soft as velvet, which he knew appealed to the ladies. He got up and started walking towards the back of the club. She followed closely behind.

The back door was conveniently open, Damien was relieved he didn’t have to pick the lock and look extremely suspicious. The night air was cool and dry, the stars where covered by a sky of low hanging storm clouds. Gabe came through the door a couple seconds later.
“Shut the door” Damien said softly, and so she did. Before the spell he put on her broke, he wrapped his hand around her waist, pulling her against his body and cocked her neck to the side, showing the main vain in the neck. The pulse of her blood drummed the inside of his ears; her sweet scent flooded his nose. Without any other hesitation, he sank his fangs into her neck and sucked. The warmth of the blood and the taste on his tongue drove him into frenzy, as he sucked harder. The flow of the blood once strong slowed down, and he dropped the body and with a thump, the lifeless young girl hit the dirty ally floor.

“Are you going to clean that up?”
Damien jumped and swung around in the direction of the voice, crouching in a defending stance.
“Settle down it’s just me”
Once Damien noticed the short blonde hair and green eyes, he relaxed and stood up.
“Adrian, you scared me” He laughed, wiping his mouth with a piece of cloth he kept in his pocket.

Liked it. This got me intrigued. I'd like to see more to see how good and original it gets. To be honest the title got it's hooks into me and this first chapter tugged me even more into your story. Keep at it seems like you have a good place to start. You did good on grammar and the works as well only one simple grammar mistake anyone makes. Other than that brilliantly composed. Had a interesting time reading

Hi there SamiStaletic.

To be honest, this wasn't much of a first chapter for me. It seemed more like an extremely rushed short story. Since everything just jumps right in, there's no development of conflict and character. Here, let's see...

First off, I think you should really slow down. Everything's all very rushed and thus doesn't develop like a proper first chapter should. If at all, this is more like a prologue because it's so short and fast. There's no need to rush at all and be aware of that! Slowing down leaves time for details, expository and narrative. Be sure to execute all aspects of writing as well as one can. For a start, you may want to describe what's going on within the night club rather than just rushing it off over to Damien. All is so sudden which leaves little room for the audience to really take in everything and develop emotions according to the chapter.

In addition to that all, I urge you write some more about your two characters so far: Damien and Gabe/Adrian. So far, we only know some physical traits and there's little substance to either of them. Currently, I can assume that Damien is a lust-driven, impulsive guy who likes going around biting girls. On the other hand, it seems to me that Gabe/Adrian possesses a similar personality, except on the feminine side of things. You should be developing these two characters - who I assume will go on to be important characters - and expand on their personalities and values. Right now, as it stands, you haven't portrayed your characters very well unless you want an audience to think they're both lust-driven, which isn't a nice portrayal whatsoever.




Here, I'll discuss your grammar, spelling and dialogue. Namely, the mechanics of writing.

There are quite a few spelling errors throughout this chapter and, unfortunately, many of them are obvious and not hard to pick out. I won't be nitpicking through all of them because I strongly believe one should discover their own mistakes - I will, however, show you one or two:

music blearing from the huge sound systems

blaring

The girls’ cheeks flushed

girl's

If you find it difficult to spot these errors, you can always use spell-check in a Word document by copy/pasting if you haven't already. It's extremely helpful. If you do not have this program on your laptop or computer, there are also online programs that can check your spelling.

Something else is dialogue! Here's a basic rule:

"The dog is green, George," said Lucy.

Quotations open, words, comma, quotations close. I won't explain everything about since it can became tedious in one review; however here.

If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to bother me via PM or whatever else suits.

Yours,
Lavvie

I thought this was pretty good. I feel like it's a typical vampire story, but you've got some really interesting characters. I was particularily iterested in Adrian when he showed up at the end. I really wished you had made this first chapter longer so you wouldn't have left me hanging lol!

I'm really impressed with your descriptions, I think you describe everything well and my attention stayed the whole time. I had good visuals going on in my head.

I guess all I can say is keep writing, and put a lot of thought into plot. Make sure you know where this story is going so that it doesn't end up like a typical 'here's some cool vampires' kind of thing that doesn't go anywhere.

I would love to read more of this, so when you get more chapters up send me a message and I'll review

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