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Young Writers Society


The Red Cloak



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Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:04 am
Leahweird says...



Spoiler! :
A cookie if you can guess what famous fairytale this is. I'll give you a hint; it takes place years after the events of the actual story


Twilight tinted the blankets of snow blue as Marguerite hurried by. She didn’t mind the cold, but the heavy drifts were slowing her down and making her trail rather obvious. She ducked under a blackened branch, but Cheyne had already spotted her.

“Wait,” he called.

She had to stop. He was close enough now that she couldn’t simply pretend she hadn’t heard him. If she kept running now it would only cause trouble later.

“Why are you following me?” she asked, turning.

“I need to talk to you. I wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss.”

Marguerite shrugged. She was still getting used to being an orphan, but it hadn’t really been a shock, and she seriously doubted that he wanted to talk about her mother’s death.

“What are you doing out here? You don’t even have a decent coat!” he said.

“Yes I do. It’s just not finished yet,” she retorted.

“You know perfectly well that I meant you’re not wearing one,” he sighed. “Will you just come back to the village with me?”

She shook her head. “I want to be alone for a little while.”

“Out in the forest? You of all people should know how dangerous that is.”

Disgusted, Marguerite started walking away. Cheyne followed her, easily keeping up with her strides.

“Don’t be like that.”
“How could you throw our history in my face like that?”

“I’m sorry, alright? But you know how I feel about you, and you’re always so cold to me.”

“I am not!”

“Then why won’t you marry me?” He said, grabbing her arm and forcing her to stay still. “I’m getting tired of waiting.”

“I’m still only twenty,” she protested, trying to struggle out of his grip.

“Lots of girls younger than you are already starting families. Besides, what are you going to do now that your mother is dead? Be my wife. I can take care of you.”

“Right now you’re just hurting me.”

“Say you’ll marry me.”

“No!”

Suddenly she heard something moving through the forest around them. A familiar sense of fear struck her that had nothing to do with her current precarious situation. She thought she saw a something large and black streak past, but it didn't matter. She didn't need to see the beast to know it was there.
"Cheyne, you need to let go of me, right now!"
"What are you so scared for? I've barely touched you!"

She was about to tell him that it wasn't him she was frightened of, but just then the real threat burst through the trees. Cheyne barely had time to throw an arm up in protection before he was attacked. Marguerite was knocked into the snow as the creature pounced.

The young man was shouting as he tried to fend off his attacker. Marguerite swallowed her screams along with her panic. Cheyne didn’t have an axe to protect them with this time, but she had a knife in her belt. It was for precisely this reason that she always carried one.

Crouching, she slashed at the wolf before it could finish off its intended victim. She couldn’t help shrieking a little as it turned to snarl at her, blood on its muzzel and white teeth flashing. Again she bit back her terror.

“I know you can understand me,” she told it. “Go away, and leave him alone.”
They hadn’t been this close in seven years. While she had encountered the wolf since then, there had always been plenty of time to run away. Technically there still was, but that would mean abandoning Cheyne.

It was just as immense as she remembered. A child’s eyes had not been what made this creature seem larger than any normal wolf should be. From her kneeling position the black animal loomed over her.
It growled again and made as if to lunge at her. She swiped at it again with her blade. There was blood on the tip, so she must have at least scratched it, even if it hadn’t seemed intimidated.

“I dare you,” she said, meeting the wolf’s dark glare. Miraculously, the beast broke away first.

She hadn’t really expected it to just give up. Yet ahe watched it lope away into the woods, disappearing into the darkness of the oncoming night just as swiftly as it had appeared. Even when she knew they were safe her nerves sang with tension.

“Get up,” she told her wounded companion. “We need to get home.”
Last edited by Leahweird on Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:41 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:28 am
confetti says...



“Why are you following me?” she asked (comma)turning.

“Yes I do. It’s just not finished yet.(comma)she retorted(period)

“You know perfectly well that I meant you’re not wearing one,(period)He sighed.

“How could you throw out history in my face like that?”

Sounds better without the 'out', I believe
Then why won’t you marry me?” he said,


Cheyne barely had time to throw an arm up in protection before he was attacked,(period instead) and she Marguerite was knocked into the snow as the creature pounced.

This is just a suggestion, the original sentence felt a but off-place. But this isn't completely necessary.
Cheyne didn’t have an axe to protect them with this time, but she had a knife in her belt.

She wasn’t a large woman, but from her kneeling position the black animal loomed over her.

The connection between her not being large and the wolf leaning over her is a bit lost. In my opinion, you don't need the first part at all.
Yet she watched it lope away into the woods, disappearing into the darkness of the oncoming night just as swiftly as it had appeared.


And that's the end of my nitpicks.
This piece was wonderful. Your writing flowed easily and the descriptions weren't too much, no were they too little. I don't really have a clue what fairy tale this is, unless it's Little Red Riding Hood (I'm really only guessing that from the title and the wolf). But I do commend you on a nicely written piece.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:12 am
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Leahweird says...



Wow. Bad day for errors on my part. Some of those mistakes almost ruin the whole sentence. Thank you so much for finding those! You also caught some things I was swithering over, and it's nice to have them settled.

Yes, this is Little Red Riding Hood. I'm actually glad you found it hard to guess, because I was worried I made TOO obvious. I wanted the revelation to bit gradual, but I couldn't resist playing Guess the Fariytale.
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:00 pm
StellaThomas says...



Leah! Stella here! Still trying to make it a rule that I am immediately informed whenever somebody posts a fairytale...

I. NITPICKS
“How could you throw our history in my face like that?”


Right now, this line is a little bit unprecedented. Try and give us some more warning in the paragraph beforehand.

“Then why won’t you marry me?” He said,


small h.

Yet ahe watched it lope away into the woods,


she

Even when she knew they were safe her nerves sang with tension.


Just to say I love this imagery.

II. PACING

My main problem with this is that it's going a little too quickly for my liking. Every individual line you write is good, but I feel like there needs to be more of them, that things need to progress more gradually. Marguerite's and Cheyne's discussion, for instance. I'd love to see more of her memory of the original events, and then watch their discussion unfold. Don't be afraid to add in lines of dialogue to make things flow naturally from one end of the conversation to the other.

The same goes for the climax.Don't be afraid to add more detail, make it longer. Right now what you've got is good, but it seems a little 2-D. Fleshing out the story and developing it will not only slow the pace down but it'll make us, your readers, more invested in what you're saying.

III. OVERALL

I liked this a lot, I just think it needs to slow down a bit!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:08 pm
barefootrunner says...



Hi Leah!
Just noticed one spelling mistake: "mussle" is spelt "muzzle".
Otherwise - great work! Love it. I like the fast pace and now I'm curious enough to read every single part of your story. Don't stop writing! Assuage my curiosity!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:08 pm
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sandayselkie says...



This is good. I agree with the others above and can not find any additional problems. It is an interesting follow up from the actual fairy tale.
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

"That's the spirit. One part courage. Three parts fool"
Brom
  








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