Young Writers Society

[*]This is my first time putting my stories on a site, so I ask you all to review and tell me if I should further this story, thank you[*]

Chapter 1
I glanced up from my staring of the last of the two suns set to see Calyme, Varome's shaman, the old leader. He was a tall strongly built man, even for his age of 68 years. He sat down beside me and sighed. We both loked at the last golden rays as the sun disappeared into the horizon.

I continued staring, thinking about my broken past. Calyme turned his head to look at me. "You know, Nicolae, I used to walk down to this area everyday to watch the sunsets, or at least the last one, of course." He chuckled. "When are you going to cut those dark curls, they don't look right on you."

I turned to stare into his grey-brown eyes. "What are you doing down here Cal? The last time you were sitting here, the Great Fire happened, you haven't been down since. What's going on?" I said suspiciously, at first being casual.

Calyme sighed, "I'm getting old, Nicolae, ever since I found you on the road when you were an infant, I knew it." He blindly gestured behind him to the small village. "You know we're on the border between Relome and Celona, they are having war. I don't want this village to be in the middle of it until it has to. I can't lead a war, Nicolae" I looked down, knowing what he was going to say next, dreading what he was going to say next.

"You know I'm not supposed to be the shaman of this town, should've passed it on to my eldest son three years ago. The problem is, I have no children..." He looked at me, sorrow in his eyes. I refused to look at him, finding a small frog extremely interesting. Calyme lifted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. Even at the age 68, he was still stronger than me.

I gave in, "So you want me to succeed you."

Calyme knew it wasn't a question. "I would like to, but you aren't my son." I looked at him confused.

"Why are you asking me then?"

He didn't avoid the question this time. "I want to adopt you."

BTW: There is more to this chapter, and if you want me to put it on there then let me know

Ok! Here to review.

First of all, I love the way you spelt the name Nicolae. I've never seen it this way (I'm a sucker for unusual names). And Calyme is a cool name too, and so are the names of the towns. It gives it a nice fantasy atmosphere.

"When are you going to cut those dark curls, they don't look right on you."

I like how you snuck in what Nicolae lookes like right there.

One thing, their conversation has terms that we don't know about. I think it would be good if you elaborated on some things, like the Great Fire. It doesn't have to be too much, just maybe a few sentences of a flash back or something. The Great Fire is pretty self-explanatory, but I'm curious as to exactly what effects it had on the village and how Nicolae felt about it.

Another thing,

I continued staring, thinking about my broken past.

I've been thinking about this. I think it would be interesting if instead of talking about how she is thinking about her past, show us that she is. Let me glimpse a little into her mind, even if just a bit. That would be pretty cool. So far I know she is an orphan, probably raised by Calyme, but now I wonder about what else has happened to her. I suppose you are probably going to go into more depth later, but I believe you could bait the reader a bit more. Get them more curious.

Calyme lifted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. Even at the age 68, he was still stronger than me.

Just a thought, but it's not all that difficult to lift somebody's chin up. If you really want to describe how he is strong, show how Calyme uses surprising strength and how Nicolae is in some pain. I think that would improve it a bit. But, if Nicolae is also a tough person, Nicolae may not be in pain. It depends on your characters so do you what you feel is right.

He looked at me, sorrow in his eyes. I refused to look at him, finding a small frog extremely interesting.

I like this sentence. I could see the scene perfectly.

I hope you find some of this useful. It was a bit difficult because your passage was so short. If you would like to post the rest, please do so. Keep writing!

Thanks for the reply, it really helps. Really lol.
Basically the reason why this isn't detailed very much is because I wrote this part about two years ago.
Right now, the Great Fire isn't mentioned in my story, but I should've because I was trying to get to another point that I didn't put into my story.
Calyme was supposed to lose his son in the Great Fire.
Hope that helps

Oh sorry if I didn't mention this before, but my main character, Nicolae, I actually meant for him to be a male

Really short for a chapter. Then again, I prefer long ones myself. Just a couple of notes:

I glanced up from my staring of the last of the two suns set to see Calyme

I read this line about five times, and I still don't get it quite well. It's a little too verbose. Why don't you try something shorter and a little easier on the eyes? Like "I had been watching the last of two suns set when I glanced up to see Calyme." or something like that. (You don' have to do word for word, by the way).

or at least the last on, of course." He chuckled. "When are you going to cut those dark curls, they don't look right on you."

"On" should be "one", and the last quote, despite being a quote, is a run-on. Try inserting a question mark after "curls," and making the last phrase a whole new sentence.

Very interesting story so far, though, but not much of a clencher. What's the significance of Calyme wanting to adopt Nicolae? What is the deal with the Great Fire? Unless, of course, that's part of the story line, to be revealed in the future? Hope to read more from you!

Thank you for that info, sometimes I type too fast to see some of those mistakes that I do.
I hope you forgive me for those grammar mistakes, I wrote this when I was very young
Oh BTW: Part II of chapter 1 coming out soon!

Okay, this is the second part of Chapter 1 that I decided not to put on there yet, here it is!

Part II of Chapter 1

We walked out of the tavern, which was unusually packed tonight. On a full stomach, I could think better. It had been three hours since he told me he wanted to adopt me. Ever since I could remember the entire village raised me. I stayed in the local tavern everyday. The stewardress named me after her great-grandfather.

I always thought Calyme as my father. For years he visited me every week, either in the tavern or helping out across Varome's farms or cleaning out the town well, (I will never do that one again.) but I never thought that anyone would want me as their son. My parents surely didn't.

My mind pondered over what he had said as we reached the town well. It wasn't a very deep well, but it had enough water to fuel the village for many years. I stopped right next to it.

Caylme noticed there was no one next to him and he stopped. He turned and sighed.

I looked up, a lost look in my eyes. "I've-I've never had anybody...What will the town think?"

He sat down next to me and looked down. "Well--" A loud roar from the tavern interrupted him. A short man in red robes marched out, heading angrily towards us.

I stood up and walked towards him. "Is there a problem, sir?"

The man stumbled over his feet a little bit. "I--I heard... somebody talking?" The man hiccuped quite a few times during his speech. I grabbed his shoulders and gently steered him toward the tavern.

"You know, I hear there's a nice youg lady who was talking about you." I sadi with a wink back at Calyme. I slowly swung open the door and ushered to a seat with a lot of empty mugs on it. I guessed it was his. Everyone stopped their chattering to look at me. I said nothing as I sat next to him and began a conversation. Slowly the tavern grew back to its noisy volume.

At last the man fell asleep in his chair from talking about the bartender for a while. I stood up, about to leave when a hand rested on my shoulder. I turned around to see the bartender. She was a small, skinny, maroon-haired young woman.

I blushed, not realizing it, for I thought she was going to confront me about what I talked about with the drunken man. She smiled. "Hi. My name is Lillian Beth. Listen, we have been trying to calm that guy over there." She said with a flick of her hand at the sleeping man. "We couldn't, though. But you could, thank you." With that, she went back to her job.

I smile and walked out of the tavern. Calyme waas still leaning against the side of the well, whistling softly. He looked up at me and smiled, "Does that answer your question?"

I smiled and started walking to the courtroom with him.

*Tip: When you post a new chapter, put it in a new discussion so people will actually see it.

Oh, lol I have no idea how to do that but will do!

Go back to the previous page, where all the links to different works are. There's a little link box that says "New Topic" above the list of works. Click on that.