Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

I glanced up from my staring of the last of the two suns set to see Calyme, Varome's shaman, the old leader. He was a tall strongly built man, even for his age of 68 years. He sat down beside me and sighed. We both loked at the last golden rays as the sun disappeared into the horizon.

I continued staring, thinking about my broken past. Calyme turned his head to look at me. "You know, Nicolae, I used to walk down to this area everyday to watch the sunsets, or at least the last one, of course." He chuckled. "When are you going to cut those dark curls, they don't look right on you."

I turned to stare into his grey-brown eyes. "What are you doing down here Cal? The last time you were sitting here, the Great Fire happened, you haven't been down since. What's going on?" I said suspiciously, at first being casual.

Calyme sighed, "I'm getting old, Nicolae, ever since I found you on the road when you were an infant, I knew it." He blindly gestured behind him to the small village. "You know we're on the border between Relome and Celona, they are having war. I don't want this village to be in the middle of it until it has to. I can't lead a war, Nicolae" I looked down, knowing what he was going to say next, dreading what he was going to say next.

"You know I'm not supposed to be the shaman of this town, should've passed it on to my eldest son three years ago. The problem is, I have no children..." He looked at me, sorrow in his eyes. I refused to look at him, finding a small frog extremely interesting. Calyme lifted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. Even at the age 68, he was still stronger than me.

I gave in, "So you want me to succeed you."

Calyme knew it wasn't a question. "I would like to, but you aren't my son." I looked at him confused.

"Why are you asking me then?"

He didn't avoid the question this time. "I want to adopt you."

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We walked out of the tavern, which was unusually packed tonight. On a full stomach, I could think better. It had been three hours since he told me he wanted to adopt me. Ever since I could remember the entire village raised me. I stayed in the local tavern everyday. The stewardress named me after her great-grandfather.

I always thought Calyme as my father. For years he visited me every week, either in the tavern or helping out across Varome's farms or cleaning out the town well, (I will never do that one again.) but I never thought that anyone would want me as their son. My parents surely didn't.

My mind pondered over what he had said as we reached the town well. It wasn't a very deep well, but it had enough water to fuel the village for many years. I stopped right next to it.

Caylme noticed there was no one next to him and he stopped. He turned and sighed.

I looked up, a lost look in my eyes. "I've-I've never had anybody...What will the town think?"

He sat down next to me and looked down. "Well--" A loud roar from the tavern interrupted him. A short man in red robes marched out, heading angrily towards us.

I stood up and walked towards him. "Is there a problem, sir?"

The man stumbled over his feet a little bit. "I--I heard... somebody talking?" The man hiccuped quite a few times during his speech. I grabbed his shoulders and gently steered him toward the tavern.

"You know, I hear there's a nice youg lady who was talking about you." I sadi with a wink back at Calyme. I slowly swung open the door and ushered to a seat with a lot of empty mugs on it. I guessed it was his. Everyone stopped their chattering to look at me. I said nothing as I sat next to him and began a conversation. Slowly the tavern grew back to its noisy volume.

At last the man fell asleep in his chair from talking about the bartender for a while. I stood up, about to leave when a hand rested on my shoulder. I turned around to see the bartender. She was a small, skinny, maroon-haired young woman.

I blushed, not realizing it, for I thought she was going to confront me about what I talked about with the drunken man. She smiled. "Hi. My name is Lillian Beth. Listen, we have been trying to calm that guy over there." She said with a flick of her hand at the sleeping man. "We couldn't, though. But you could, thank you." With that, she went back to her job.

I smile and walked out of the tavern. Calyme waas still leaning against the side of the well, whistling softly. He looked up at me and smiled, "Does that answer your question?"

I smiled and started walking to the courtroom with him.

This is the actual entire first chapter of my new book.
Hope you enjoy!

Hmm. More interesting, definitely. I didn't see that many errors this time, so you're getting better with proofing it before you post. Good job!

I thought it sounded really interesting. One of the few that i have tried to read and review and actually finished. Great job!!

Hi there omniyus.

I really dislike it when I must say this, but it's only true: I have no clue what this is about.

First off, as common as this sounds, you need to include more description, especially since this is fantasy fiction. Not all fantasy fiction incorporates an invented world but clearly yours does and all the more to write details. Since only you - and you alone - truly, honestly know what this fantasy looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds like. It's up to you to illustrate this world and everything in it via prose. It also might aid in clearing up common confusions the audience may have while they read. Remember - we don't know this is world as well as you do. As the writer, you must show and just as well tell us what is this place. Doubly so, it can provide useful information in background information for characters, plot and just natural understandings that readers might not catch onto so easily. We cannot read your mind.

It also appears that you have trouble transitioning between paragraphs and even different things. There's nothing that leads up to anything (thus another contributing factor to confusion) and it just seems to jump around with nothing in between. It's not like you're limited of what to write (or at least, you've not specified). This probably leads into what I said above about detail etcetera. Expand on those things that are much more prominent and important to the development of your novel rather than either leaving everything fairly bland and uncreative or filling us with every little thing. You have got to plan it accordingly - a novel takes much care for the final product. Whether or not you outline doesn't matter, but in writing a novel, the writer must always be (slightly, ever so) organized in its creation or things can really become a mess and jumbled.



1. Do a quick proofread before posting anything. I spotted a few errors (probably typos) that are so obvious I'm not going to bother nitpicking at them. But I'm just assuring that you are aware of this. (Also, for future reference, all numbers in prose and sometimes poetry - depending - are spelled out. For example, instead of typing '3', one must write 'three'.)

2. A lot of your sentences appear most often, if not always, extremely awkward to read (yet again: contributing factor to confusion). Some words just don't fit where they are placed and other sentences are just the epitomes of redundancy. Here's an example of one awkward sentence from your chapter:

I glanced up from my staring of the last of the two suns set to see Calyme, Varome's shaman, the old leader.

Be sure that I say this is comprehensible, but in order to ensure it can be permanently understandable, I think it can't hurt to do some rephrasing. The one thing that stands out in this line that contributes to its confusion and choppy-like personality is the fact of 'from my staring'. It's not uncommon to write this, but in this case it's extremely awkward and a little annoying.

(By the way, I'm not going to go through all the awkward lines, but I'll point out one or two more so can get the general drift of things.)

You know, Nicolae, I used to walk down to this area everyday to watch the sunsets, or at least the last one, of course.

Because this is fantasy, I can assume that perhaps there is more than just one solitary sun? If not, the plural of sunsets is silly and the few words that I have in bold can be deleted and forgotten about. If, however, there are several suns that sit high in the sky in this world, you should specify that. Here is also a chance to lend the audience a bit of a sneak-peek of this fantasy world of Calyme's and Nicolae's.

The following quote is not an example of awkwardness but silliness in one aspect:

Calyme lifted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. Even at the age 68, he was still stronger than me.

I could easily lift a forty-five year old man's chin up to look at me (despite how creepy that would actually be). And so, I don't know why you included this (part in bold). It's not needed and proves no particular point besides the fact that Calyme is probably still strong for his age. Nevertheless, you can represent that aspect of character in a different way.

...quick grammar check-up:

The last time you were sitting here, the Great Fire happened, you haven't been down since.

There is a comma splice between the words 'happened' and 'you'. A period or maybe even a semi-colon (;) is acceptable here but definitely not a comma. It's grammatically incorrect.

Alright, so it's a decent start, albeit very confusing. With a little more specifics and less generalities, it'll be much more reader-friendly and brain-easy. Not so confusing, not so puzzling.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.
Yours,
Lavvie

Ah, everything you say is appropriate, but I must say, I don't like to proof my work because I end up writing a whole nother story. I actually made this story two years ago and did very little changes since.

Another reason why it is so confusing is the exact thing you pointed out: You don't know anything yet, and Nicolae isn't just going to tell the reader how the world and everything around it looks like.

This is just the first chapter, and you must be patient!
I must say that I will explain all of this later on, for this story isn't meant to be a one hit wonder.

Just to let everyone know that I will not be posting until after Thanksgiving weekend, thanks!