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Chapter Six: Nano



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Wed Nov 23, 2011 3:49 am
Soulkana says...



Chapter 6:
Aydan brushes a strand of her light hair out of her eyes, peering down at the eggs with a slight frown. It has only been a few days since her Onee-sama left and despite this she couldn't understand why her parents had turned on her. Shifting the eggs she whispers, tearfully, "Onee-sama, I can't replace you...I can't do this without you."

As she lifts the skillet from the hot flame her brother walks in with his arms folded and glaring at her back as she sets the slightly burnt eggs upon a plate, hands shaking as pain racks through her thin frame.

"You burned them." Damien snarls while glaring down at his sister. Ever since that wench had left he notice that to his parents his younger sister had become unfit for him to be with. Glaring coldly he finally concludes, ignorantly to himself, that she was like her. With a twisted smirk, he grasps her long hair, yanking painfully.

A shriek of pain dies from her lips as Damien sneers while digging his nails tightly in her scalp. "You're just like that Fyrak of a slave. You'll meet the same fate as her."

Aydan feels rage swell deep in her heart as she pulls her hand back with loathing gleaming in her eyes while Damien steps back with a hint of fear. Aydan steps forward, threatening as she hovers over the taller sibling with a cold stare.

Before either of them realize what happens a loud crack echoes the room, sending the tense atmosphere into chaos. Damien stares startled at the table to his side, his cheek throbbing as he brings up a hand to touch the rapidly reddening skin, numb.

Aydan glares at her older brother, feeling rather shocked but pleased as he stares blankly at her. Smirking she reaches up and with the same surprising strength lifts him up snapping, “If you insult, Onee-sama, again I will make sure you regret it, dearest brother.”

She growls the word brother out harshly while with a wicked grin she leans close to the brown eyes of her brother and spits in his face just as her father enters with a paper clutched within his fist.

Staring at the scene in front of him with an incredulous look before his entire being tenses with rage. Pulling out of his stupor, Lord Redmoon quickly snatches the back of Aydan’s cloak, lifting her up. As the thick cloth tightens around her throat, she struggles to loosen the constricting fabric.

“How dare you disrespect your older brother, Fyrak.” His eyes bore into her petrified gaze when without sparing a thought for her heath, sends her flying in the opposite direction.

Crashing onto the table, Aydan bites her tongue to halt the cry of pain threatening to escape her father. As she dimly watches her father she concedes in her heart that she would never let him break her...not like her Onee-sama nor would he ever hear her screams of pain. Glaring hatefully at the two men she vows, obstinately, “I won’t break! You will pay for what you did to my Onee-sama!”

Pushing herself up, Aydan straightens her back even though the action sends electrifying pain through her nerves while she slowly steps forward, eyes focusing solely on the wall in front of her. Despite this, her brother’s annoying laughter sends rage vibrating through her. Spinning around to face him, she revels in the wonderful tinkling sensation that overwhelms her in consequence of her loathing.

“I will take Aydan to Amarath with me.” A woman’s voice rings in from the doorway as the trio stare down two against one. Her eyes wander from each face before settling on Aydan’s furious expression.

“No-” Aydan begins to protest, indignantly when her mother grabs her arm ordering her to be silent.

“Shush. You’re on thin ice already, girl.” Lady Redmoon sternly commands while dragging Aydan outside into the yard.

Scowling hostilely at her mother’s back, Aydan follows reluctantly not wanting to be in trouble with her. As they near the edge of the boundaries of their home, Asinga orders her youngest strictly, “I’ll be leaving you at the Bank. You will not pester the employees nor will you complain about how long it takes me. I have more important business than to care for you.”

Flinching at the biting tones Asinga spoke with, Aydan murmurs tearfully, “Yes, Lady Asinga.”

Nodding sharply at the response, Asinga carefully pulls out a small circular object. Peering over her mother’s side to spot the tiny object she questions, “What’s that for?”

The tiny crystal floats above Asinga's hand, faintly glowing as she whispers kindly to it, "We need to go to Amarath, em dlihc."

As if it is being triggered by something the stone brightens considerably, blinding the two woman and in a few minutes they stood in front of the Janena Bank. Aydan moves to walk forward when a wave of vertigo slams into her and her eyes close as darkness stretches its arms to catch her in its tight hold.

Staring down at her daughter, Asinga smirks. The plan is going along lovely. With a low chuckle she picks up the small girl without bothering to be gentle. Walking with an arrogant stride she enters the large limestone doors to bark at a nearby human with a cold sneer, "Make sure my daughter is...taken care of. I'll return within the next few hours for her."

A human woman steps up and takes the young girl, respectfully curtisying as she glances down. "Yes, my lady." She meekly whispers as Asinga turns and sweeps out of the bank, not looking back with a twisted smile toying with her mouth.

Glancing down at the crystal she whispers lovingly to her husband on the other side, "The plan has been set in motion. Soon there will be no guard for that wench, Nastusia, my love."

"Good. We can't let her win." Lord Redmoon orders while breaking the connection as a group of humans gather around Aydan, their faces worried and several growling with distaste at the mother who had carelessly tossed her daughter to the lion's den.

"What will we do? We can't possibly..." One of them whispers to another with tears brimming in her eyes as she listens to the slow breathing of the mere child who lays unconscious in front of her.

A loud crash behind them causes them to spin around, terror marking each face as they watch fearfully as the Necromancer in charge of their bank enters, eyes sparking with rage. As she heads towards them the papers begin floating in the air as she finally roars, "Who dares to ask that I, a Noble, kill the heir's protector! Who dares to disobey the laws of Ancient?!"

With each deadly word cracks begin to appear in the ground as the furious Necromancer stare at her servant employees with misdirected anger. They cower in fear at the terrifying aura around their master as one brave soul steps forward whispering, shakily, "It was Lady Redmoon, milady."

The glare intesifies and the girl fidgets slightly before after a long minute finally hides behind one of the others in sheer terror of being faced with her master's wrath. They all peek at her with baited breath as she growls out, "Take the Lady to That Room."

They all scurry to pick the child up and hurry out the door, almost tripping over their feet in haste to flee from their Lady. As the door closes quicly behind her, the woman finally speaks up to the person hiding in the shadows behind her, "Aizen?"

"Yes, my Lady?" Aizen asks, stepping out from the shadows to reveal a lean figure with azul eyes as he watches his master's agitated strides with wary curiosity.

"Send a letter to Princess Nastusia and her ancestor, Takeshi. Make sure that Lady Redmoon's daughter is declared "Deceased" within the records. Same for Nastusia. It is time they choose new names. I do not want further complications. From what I see within the history...something isn't right." She commands shortly, the last bit coming out halting as if she had debated carefully how to word it.

The man bows to her, "Of course, milady as you wish. Is there anything else I may do for you?"

She clutches the frail wineglass, hands shaking with rage as she finally spits out, "Watch over the Redmoon accounts...there is something off about them...I know there is."

The man nods onces more, eager to please her. "Of course, Lady Triunag."

He quickly vanishes in a flash, leaving Lady Triunag to sigh heavily, hand absently rubbing her forward delicately as she murmurs quietly, "Just what are you planning, Redmoon?"

Aydan blearily opens her eyes to stare up at a high ceiling which looks as if it had been made out of silver. Blinking the sleepiness from her eyes she turns her head to spot a woman scribbling away on a piece of parchment, a deep scowl marring her beautiful face.

Tearing her eyes away from the woman, Aydan inspects the spacious room with open inquisition. She had been lain upon a cushoned futon near the desk, but far enough to the side the woman would not be able to spot her unless she looked up and even then it would only be a fleeting image at the edge of her view. All along the walls were beautiful paintings of creatures and beings almost as if they had come from a time before now. The dull red contrasts sharply with the silver roof and floor but even to Aydan it seemed otherworldly.

"Do you like my office, little fire?" Lady Triunag questions the girl as she watches with a hint of amusement as she gazes around her office with awe.

Startled, Aydan turns to face the woman, her face turning red with embarrassment as she quickly apologizes, "I'm sorry, ma'am. It is rude of me to look around when it is not my place."

Gazing at the child with laughter, Lady Triunag soothes her frazzled nerves with a kind smile, "No worries, child. Children your age are very curious in nature. Besides nothing I have in here is for you to not to gawk at. Anything private is sealed away from prying eyes. I have a child your age so I know that things need to be locked up."

Blushing lightly, Aydan accepts her reasoning with a shy smile. Glancing closely at the woman she asks with a tentative pause, "Excuse me, ma'am but isn't my mother coming to get me soon?"

At the mention of the cause of her aching head, Lady Triunag growls, snapping harshly out of instinct, "Do not speak of her!"

Aydan flinches violently, jerking her body back and scooting far from the lady as she could whispering petrified, "I'm sorry! I promise I won't speak of her again!"

Guilt slams within her heart as Lady Triunag watches as the child instinctively scrambles as far as she could away from her and the rage building inside her. Quickly taking a deep breath in order to settle the mixture of rage and heartache, she speaks up, "Forgive me, child. But I have some things you may be interested in learning about your so called family."

Aydan peers out from behind her hands to curiously wonder aloud, "What do you mean, things about my family?"

As Aydan openly watches her with a foreboding expression, the older woman sighs, "The history of your family is something you need to know before you leave this office." Spotting the child opening her mouth to ask a question she interjects quickly, "There are runes inscribed within these walls to allow time to be faster. To the outside its been a few minutes while inside it's been almost 3 hours since you passed out." She watches as the child's eyes widen with recognition of the runes in question.

"But aren't those deadly!?" Aydan yelps in shock as she stares dumbfoundly at the Lady in front of her, confusion marring her usually stoic face.

The woman laughs lightly, "Well yes. But what they don't tell you it only causes the death of the person who instilled them once they are done placing them. I did not place these my ancestor did when the ancient war began and she had become to ill to fight. Instead of dying with no lasting help to the Ancients she inscribed them knowing that she was being useful in doing so. Do you understand?"

Aydan slowly nods and asks, hoping that her conclusion is correct, "So by her blood still living within these walls it still works right?"

Nodding proudly at the quick mind in front of her, she smiles warmly, "Yes, that's exactly it. But enough of that for now. You must know of the history in order to be of any use to your onee-sama."

Upon hearing the statement, Aydan straightens up all her focus and thoughts centering around this lady and what she could possibly be able to tell about her family that would be of use to her or her onee-sama.

Sensing the seriousness within the girl, Lady Triunag folds her hands neatly upon her desk, beginning, "First of all you should know that Janena didn't always have the light of our three moons that you have always seen. Millions of years ago it used to be cloaked in eternal darkness on the opposite side of the Realm. During this time many creatures roamed this world and one such race we call the Yami. Dark beings they were, dear one. They were power hungry and devoured souls through their victims blood leaving them alive but lost within Limbo. A terrible power and when the planet suddenly moved due to unknown reasons most of their prey died from the sudden change. Yami died as well but due to their darkness and power they were able to cling to life but losing all their sense of nobility and became mindless hunters, devouring even the souls of their own in their arrogance."

Aydan's eyes widen with each word with both awe and confusion. "But what does this have to do with me?" She interupts, eyes gazing imploringly at the Lady to hurry.

"Do not rush me, child. All this is nessacary." Lady Triunag kindly rebukes as she watches Aydan nod, abashed.

Smiling encouragingly, she carries on, "Most of the other creatures died leaving behind what we call Ancients. The first Summoner was Ransan Redmoon and the first Necromancer, Takeshi Darkcasta. The Redmoon became the heirs to the throne while the Darkcasta always were protectors of the royals. Any questions?"

Aydan nods and asks, "So where did humans come from? And what happened to the Yami?"

"I can't tell you everything, but I can tell you humans came from surviving the change, losing their respective creature blood and abilities. While Janena had been ruled by Ransan and protected by Takeshi and his family the world of Ancients, Humans, and Yami lived in a frail peace. When the Yami sucked a soul from a member of the royal family, albeit it not the heir, fear erupted and the peace crumbled. This leads to the sealing of Yami and a very inconclusive peace with Ancients and humans. This too eventually ended when Takeshi's son killed a human boy leading to a declined in the Ancients due to a war. In the end they went into hiding where they have remained hidden by their stritct traditions and refusal to let go of the past." Lady Triunag finishes while watching Aydan slowly absorb the knowledge, a thoughtful expression upon her face.

"So this Takeshi is he the same person who my sister calls father?" Aydan murmurs considering the fact before moving on, a bit louder, "So because Nastusia has been chosen as the next heir to the throne by the planet, therefore there has to be a protector. Why am I the protector and not my older sibling." She asks, contempt creeping into her voice as her fingers tighten around her skirt fabric, eyes glaring at the wall in front of her.

"Do you really think you're brother would be the best person to protect the future ruler?" Lady Triunag asks in disbelief as she stares incredulously at the child in front of her.

Realizing what she had unintentionally said, Aydan immediately shouts, "No! He's not a good choice but why was I chosen?" Her eyes beg imploringly for the woman to get what she had meant to say.

Nodding slowly, Lady Triunag finally shrugs elegantly, "I have no clue. But you are the protector. In a few days your sister and Takeshi should be here unless they took a movement crystal to the Reya Academy where I'll have someone send you should they choose that decision. For now, let us begin talking about what it means for you to be a protector of Darkcasta."

Nodding, Aydan leans forward eager to learn what will become important for her sister. As the two talk, Lady Redmoon enters the bank downstairs to glare at a nearby accountant.

"Has she been...disposed of?" She bluntly whispers, nails digging into the poor woman's tender flesh, causing blood to drip down from her hand to the ground, immediately sending everyone in the room on high alert.

"Yes, madam. The girl is disposed of in the most discreet manner." The frightened woman stammers, wincing in pain as the Lady tightens her grip, hissing even more sharply, "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I watched her be burned with my own eyes." Another woman nearby lies easily staring into the Lady's with a calm deceit.

Smirking, Lady Redmoon lets go of the captive woman to gratefully praise the woman who spoke, "Very good. I'll make sure you are rewarded. Now then, I shall be on my way." With the she turns away and leaves, not bothering to doubt their statements...a dreadful mistake for if she had looked back she would notice the mischievous grins upon the other women's faces.

"Good job, Bertha." The woman encourages her injured friend, holding her hand out to help her up.

The other woman, Bertha, smiles, carefully tying a piece of torn fabric around the wound before allowing her friend to help her stand. "Thank you, Maria. But we should tell Lady Triunag that the woman has been successfully deceived."

Aizen hurries down the beaten dust road leading to Teria, praying with all his might that Takeshi didn't use the crystal. A letter nestles itself upon his clothes within the backpack as he quickens his pace murmuring fiercely, "Please still be on this path, Takeshi!"

Aydan glares down at the mystifying weapon in her hand, studying it carefully. Its elegance is obvious yet something lurks just beneath the surface. Scowling, she turns the delicate dagger, taking in its appearance, reverently. The hilt had been carved into a strange creature she didn't recognize and the blade gleams a vibrant red as she smoothly strokes the metal, carefully to prevent a cut in her skin.

As she ponders over the mysteries of the blade, Lady Triunag glances critically over Redmoon/Darkcasta records with a frown. Something isn't right with how the tree is looking. Scrutinizing it more thoroughly she begins to notice a very subtle pattern in first born girls that sends a foreboding sensation gripping her heart. Looking up to question Aydan, she's stopped when the girl speaks up, her voice almost timid.

"Lady Triunag, what is the consequence of an Ancient abusing his or her children?" Aydan hedges carefully, refusing to look up from the dagger as she asks this seemingly out of the blue question.

Pausing to try and get a look at the young girl's face, the High Noble sighs, "If a family member abuses his or her children or partner they are stripped off all their income and inheritance which goes to the eldest sibling depending on exactly how that person's personality is. Some will also go to the abused child and said child will be placed within the care of the eldest child, depending again on how likely they are to be able to take care another being. They will also be under intense supervision by the members of the Nobles in order to rule out the possibility of turning rogue. Why do you ask, child? Do you suspect such an occurrence?"

Refusing to meet her eyes still, Aydan whispers, her voice growing louder and more confident with each word until she is all but shouting, "Then my parents have a lot to answer for."

"What do you mean, little one?" Lady Triunag wonders to her, watching with slight horror as the child removes the cloak she wore since she arrived and also her shirt to reveal a terrible number of lacerations upon her skin, scars revealing old wounds.

"My parents caused these since my sister left, about a week ago." Aydan coolly remarks before pulling her shirt back on, eyes burning with hate.

Turning to face the seven year old, Lady Triunag murmurs quietly, her voice frigid with contempt, "Do not worry, Aydan. I will make sure you're parents do not get away with this."

Aydan leans back against the futon, hands stroking the dagger once more, trying to decipher its secrets. If one looks closely they could see the victorious smile gracing her face as she whispers to herself, "The plan of vengeance has begun."
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:18 pm
Twit says...



Heylo Soulkana!

Shifting the eggs she whispers, tearfully, "Onee-sama, I can't replace you...I can't do this without you."

Is she talking to herself? This seems a little odd.


As she lifts the skillet from the hot flame her brother walks in with his arms folded and glaring at her back as she sets the slightly burnt eggs upon a plate, hands shaking as pain racks through her thin frame.

This is a very long sentence and there’s a lot going on here—too much. If you split it at the bolded “as” it would flow better. If you read this out loud you’ll see that this sags in the middle and you have to take a breath. The beginning and the end of the sentence shouldn’t be too far apart—either in content or length. ^_^


"You burned them." Damien snarls while glaring down at his sister.

Onee-sama sounds Japanese, but Damien sounds more Western/European, so I’m not sure of the setting?


A shriek of pain dies from her lips as Damien sneers while digging his nails tightly in her scalp.

This is another sentence with too much going on. Try and keep one subject per sentence, and if you have more than one subject and don’t order it right, then it can get too confused. See here you have the shriek of pain, Damien’s sneer, Damien’s nails, and the pain in her scalp. “As” and “while” are words that can connect two separate events, and having to use two so close together shows that you need to split this sentence. Make it something like, “A shriek of pain dies from her lips. Damien sneers, digging his fingers into her scalp.” Do you see how it runs more smoothly?


Aydan feels rage swell deep in her heart as she pulls her hand back with loathing gleaming in her eyes while Damien steps back with a hint of fear.

And here you have exactly the same problem. Too much going on in one sentence.

---

Hi!

It’s very hard to keep track of what’s happening. We’re with Aydan and then there’s suddenly a crystal and she’s suddenly unconscious and then her mother suddenly wants her dead and why should the people at the Bank be able and willing to kill a kid? Then there’s suddenly Lady Triung and who’s she? And then there’s a whole load of backstory about evil people and good people and rulers and planets and heirs and then suddenly a dagger.

If you slowed the pace down, I think it would be easier to keep track of things. Slow down and describe things more; spend more time inside Aydan’s head so we really get to know her, because at the moment I’m not getting a whole lot about her. She seems all over the place, especially for a seven year old. Kids that young don’t talk about abuse or making their parents pay, and they don’t understand about destinies and stuff like that. She acts more like a teenager than a child. I have an eight-year old brother, and he probably would zone out if someone started talking about destinies and blood in the walls. Or he’d go, “Blood? Eeee!” And while he’s got a very good vocabulary, he doesn’t know what “plan of vengeance” means.

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  








Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu