Young Writers Society

A spark.

A tumble.

A climb.

Angel and Demon travelling to Earth, ready to meet their human. The one they'd watch over for almost a century, and push to make different desicions.

Then the meet.

~


She'd been preparing for this moment for decades, milleniums even - the exact minute she would see her human, and possibly the Demon who'd rival her. September didn't believe that Lucifer had sent one, but that didn't mean he couldn't, wouldn't. The boy, she'd been told, was named Joshua. None of this really mattered, she only had to focus on helping him to make the right choices, live a fulfilled life. Most of the customs and ways of mortals shocked her, even though she had been one before, and she didn't want him to be that way, not anyone.

She stood up from the bench, and glanced at the house she knew he lived in, ready to go in. As she walked the lamposts went off behind her, leaving the street in darkness. She wasn't very good at controlling her powers, especially in a borrowed body. The sound of her shoes against the pavement was the only thing that kept the silence at bay, gave a rythym to her steps. She was almost at the door when she heard them. Footsteps behind her. Then faltering. The hairs raising on her neck, something unnatural to her.

"I suppose you're here for him then?"
September turned to see a demon standing in front of her, his head cocked to the side. She took in the mussed flame red hair that fell across his eyes that seemed like pools of black ink and the dark cloak he wore, alluding mystery. This wasn't the scenario she'd hoped for, having someone always trying to pull the boy in the wrong direction, destroy him.
"I suppose I am," she said, hesitating.
"Ember." he offered, holding out a scarred hand.
She chose to ignore it, and opened the door.
"I'm September."
"September and Ember. It seems our names rhyme." he mused, chuckling softly.
"That's the only connection you'll ever get between the two of us, Ember." she said, stepping into the house.
"Oh, bring it on."
September laughed, going up the stairs as he followed.
"Just know that it was you who asked for it," she smirked.
"I believe Hell's fire is hotter than your's." Ember said, pushing past her to reach the human first. That way he could get to him from the begining, have him look to him first. Subconsiously of course. Joshua could never know that they were real, and not just thoughts in his mind.

It was that door. The one with the train stickers on it, and a blue sign saying who's room it was - Joshua's of course. He opened it slowly, careful not to make a sound. It wasn't that he didn't wan't anyone to see him, they couldn't, no matter how hard they tried. Anybody could hear him though, while he was still posessing his mortal body, the one he favoured most. He didn't want the boy to wake yet, not while Ember still had time to assess his thoughts (although there would be few at six months old), his immorality status. Then he had to get inside his mind, a lengthy process at most.

Stepping inside the softly illuminated room, he took his time to memorise his face, the first one he'd turn to evil, to add to the ranks in Hell's army. He had no doubt it wouldn't work, that Angel, September her name was, was no match for him, trained by the Devil himself. She was too good, too easily persauded. She wouldn't be able to bring herself to harm him. His human had the brightest blue eyes, and fine brown hair. He slept in a cot, his face the picture of innocence - all too soon it would change.

Suddenly September stormed in, her violet eyes furious.
"They woke. They heard. I couldn't get past them. Feel happy."
"Ah, I'm afraid happiness isn't in my vocabulary. How would smug do?" he asked.
Ember wondered how she could manage that spectrum of emotion, the foolish submission to positive feelings, but dismissed it, he had more important things to do.

Kneeling beside the cot, he let down the walls of his mind, vunerable and unprotected for a split second. Then he reached for Joshua's thoughts, and when he was in, Ember's thoughts were blocked again. He knew all to well that September could try to read him, get information (which he didn't actually know) about Hell, and the brink of war they were on with Heaven. There wasn't much activity in the boy's mind. Toys. Sleep. Mamma. Dadda. Hungry. Nothing for Ember to really look at, to base his status on. It would come soon though, he was sure of that.

September opened a window, and breathed in the cool night air. Silently willing Ember to move so she could get rid of her useless body, and join Joshua so she could begin to help him, she paced the room, remembering all of her training, the skills, the techniques, and the love she would give Joshua. Ember seemed to be moving away now, hopefully she could interfere, be there for the boy first. Just as she moved forward she saw how Ember shook, murmuring words that must of been created by the Devil himself. She stopped, realising he would get in first. His whispers grew louder, more intricate, and September watched as the body he'd taken fell to the floor, no longer needed.

Now was the time. She couldn't risk waiting any longer, for fear of what Ember would do. She gently pushed Ember's discarded body away, and took the same position he had. Opening her thoughts, she searched for his, and grasped on to them as she started to recite the words she'd so painstakingly learned; let me guide you, love and protect you, always light the right path so you can live a fulfilled life. She pulled tighter on the cord that connected them, urging him to open up. She whispered Angel lullabies, and stroked his soft hair lovingly, oblivious to the brown hair falling in her eyes.

She'd made it.

This was it, everything she'd been doing up to this moment - it was nothing compared to what she'd do now, act as guardian over a human life. Something so precious that it would never be the same as the life she'd lived in Heaven. This was different. She had to do it right.

Inside it was dark, the only light being faint whisps of his thoughts and the part of his brain that was still working in the background, keeping Joshua alive. She was yet to see Ember, part of her was glad that she didn't have to, she hated his darkness, emmenating so strongly from his empty core that it made her feel cold. The other part needed to know where he was, so she'd know if he was doing something she didn't want him to, something malicious.

Ember was just so unnatural to her, she hated him with a passion - maybe it was predjudice, but she'd been brought up to live for all that was good, never harm a singly thing. Love thy neighbour. It was clear to her that Ember wasn't capable of that, would never do that, and that's what she despised; how he could be so evil and not care about, act as if it was normal.

"September now that you're in here, your thoughts are as clear as wildfire. I'm amused by how much you fear my," he paused, searching for the right word.
"boldness." he finished smiling.
"I know you feel there's something terribly wrong with going against our creator's ways, but I assure you there's not. In fact, I would suggest trying it out for yourself. Maybe ask Lucifer for a trial period?" Ember added, smirking a little.
She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the soft red light in front of her. It had to be Ember. September was shocked by what he'd said, she'd never even think about transferring to Demon status, the very idea was complete blasphemy!
"I definetly don't fear you you foolish Demon. I hate you. I would never dream of doing that - not even in nightmares." she said angrily, her light pulsing.
He simply laughed, and moved away.
"Just try not to let me into the depths of your inner soul next time you think."

Hi there tinkembell! 'Tis Lavvie to review.

This is a really cool novel you wrote for NaNo, as far as I can tell by this first part of the first chapter. It's an intriguing idea. I've read a few books already about Angels vs. Demons etc, but this has a twist. You've done well in creating an interesting world where these guardian angels exist, but also demons. In a silly sense, I had this image of people walking around, a tiny angel figure on one shoulder and a tiny demon figure on the other. You know what I mean? Obviously, your story has a much more serious take on this common cliche and has this feeling of a little more originality, but I can't place where this point of originality comes from. However - lucky you - it's there.

First off, I thought the beginning was a little bizarre. I realize now that it's rather crucial for us to understand what entirely is going on between this human boy, September and Ember in the first scene. Nonetheless, the first bit before the break (~), to me, seems more like the words one might have on the back as a summary or something of their book. Or, like in the Iliad, the summary of the chapter so we understand. It's unfortunate that one actually does need this part in order to understand the rest of what you have written because it sort of ruins it. Is there any way you might be able to indirectly reveal this information through the prose otherwise? I would definitely consider and suggest you do. It might involve moving around some lines, perhaps adjusting paragraphs. I'm not so sure, but it's up to your judgment.

Despite the fact the little summary sort of clears things up, I found the scenes when September and Ember are in the little human boy's room still confusing. With the all-knowing omniscient narrative going on, I found myself easily muddling whose thoughts were which and who was doing what. It's a crucial part to this chapter and probably to the remainder of the novel and so I suggest you fix this as soon as possible. It's an interesting part, too, and I assume so much more appealing once this confusion is righted.

Also, mentioning this all-knowing omniscient you have going, I think it would be better if you just used limited omniscient and even just first person, and using September more as your sole protagonist and Ember as this protagonist/antagonist thing. It would definitely clear up some confusion and simplify things for the audience. Some writers are good with the all-knowing kind, and some are not and some just need practice. If you do insist upon having both Ember and September's POV, you can try separate chapters or character switches. Jodi Picoult does this often as it does make for an interesting read. However, I know this was for a NaNo and including character switches would probably set off your entire novel on a rewrite already. I don't want to stress you out too much, now.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie

I think the first word that came to mind when I read the first bit was 'cliche *yawn*' but I was proven wrong as I read on. At first, I thought you were going to do that typical 'angel on one shoulder, demon on the other' type thing, but no, you delivered something I don't think I've read/seen before.

I have to say, I love the usage of names. Although Ember's a little predictable for a Demon, I love the name September. I was thinking you'd give her the name of Hope or Sunshine or something stupid like that but no, again, you delivered.

I love the whole thing you have going on with their minds and the fact that they choose not to show each other what they're thinking because of the whole divide. I do have to say though, I saw that whole 'war between heaven and hell' thing coming from a mile away. Maybe deliver more of the originality that you've shown with the entire concept? I know it's early but please don't do the average 'Devil wants control over Heaven' stuff - it's been done before and it's boring.

The description of the child's thoughts was well done and, although a little confusing, I felt that I understood what was going on in that scene fairly well. I'm intrigued as to why you chose this child to become (I think) the main character? And why was September a human before? She turned into an angel when she died? Is that how angels are made in your story?

It was very good and, because it tells me this is part of a novel, I do hope there's more. Keep me posted and, if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask

Kasim.

I don't usually do reviews like this, because they are long and tedious, but I really liked this chapter, and had a lot of specific things to say, so here goes.

A spark.

A tumble.

A climb.

Angel and Demon travelling to Earth, ready to meet their human. The one they'd watch over for almost a century, and push to make different desicions.

Then the meet.

I liked this, as it was very poetic and indirect, but the last line, "then the meet", seems a little awkward, and I'm not sure if you meant "they". Beginning a sentence with 'then' is a little funny sounding, so I would suggest changing it to something like, 'it was a cold winter night when they met'.

She'd been preparing for this moment for decades, milleniums even - the exact minute she would see her human, and possibly the Demon who'd rival her. September didn't believe that Lucifer had sent one, but that didn't mean he couldn't, wouldn't. The boy, she'd been told, was named Joshua. None of this really mattered, she only had to focus on helping him to make the right choices, live a fulfilled life. Most of the customs and ways of mortals shocked her, even though she had been one before, and she didn't want him to be that way, not anyone.

it was a little strange to go from decades to milleniums, which by the way should be millenia. it might make more sense to say "centuries, millenia even". also, say something like "none of this really mattered to her", as it most definately matters to your readers. finally, give a reason why the customs shocked her. I mean, if she used to be a human, wouldn't she understand completely?

The sound of her shoes against the pavement was the only thing that kept the silence at bay, gave a rythym to her steps. She was almost at the door when she heard them. Footsteps behind her. Then faltering. The hairs raising on her neck, something unnatural to her.

This part was a tad confusing, in a couple ways. First off, you should change it to "Giving a rythym to her steps" or "and gave a rythym...", as that's a new clause. Secondly, "then faltering" doesn't make much sense because I'm not sure what was faltering. I assumed the footsteps, but it was confusing to read without a subject. Lastly, why would it be unnatural for the hairs on the back of her neck to be raising? is it because she's new to having a human body or because she doesn't get scared a lot? elaborate a little more.

"I suppose you're here for him then?"
September turned to see a demon standing in front of her, his head cocked to the side. She took in the mussed flame red hair that fell across his eyes that seemed like pools of black ink and the dark cloak he wore, alluding mystery. This wasn't the scenario she'd hoped for, having someone always trying to pull the boy in the wrong direction, destroy him.
"I suppose I am," she said, hesitating.
"Ember." he offered, holding out a scarred hand.
She chose to ignore it, and opened the door.
"I'm September."
"September and Ember. It seems our names rhyme." he mused, chuckling softly.
"That's the only connection you'll ever get between the two of us, Ember." she said, stepping into the house.
"Oh, bring it on."

I liked your description of the demon and enjoyed his cool attitude. I hope you focus a lot on his character, as a good villan is essential to stories about good vs. evil.

"Just know that it was you who asked for it," she smirked.
"I believe Hell's fire is hotter than your's." Ember said

It was nice to see this sudden burst of determination from September as she seemed a little nervous at first, but I was a little confused as to his response. does the word "your's" refer to fire? if so, I don't entirely get the metaphor, and I'm pretty sure you're not speaking of literal fire.

It was that door. The one with the train stickers on it, and a blue sign saying who's room it was - Joshua's of course. He opened it slowly, careful not to make a sound. It wasn't that he didn't wan't anyone to see him, they couldn't, no matter how hard they tried. Anybody could hear him though, while he was still posessing his mortal body, the one he favoured most. He didn't want the boy to wake yet, not while Ember still had time to assess his thoughts (although there would be few at six months old), his immorality status. Then he had to get inside his mind, a lengthy process at most.

Several things here. First, "it was that door" doesn't really lead into anything. I thought you were going to say something like "It was that door that entered September into her first battle against the powers of hell", but it just kind of trailed off into the rest of the paragraph. In addition, "Joshua's of course" was unnescessary, and just makes the sentence sound awkward. Finally, "a lenghty process at most" should be "a lengthy process at best". 'at most' reffers to a quantity of objects, and 'at best' is the idomatic expression I think you meant. make sure you also go back and explain what 'immortality status' is in a later chapter.

Stepping inside the softly illuminated room, he took his time to memorise his face, the first one he'd turn to evil, to add to the ranks in Hell's army. He had no doubt it wouldn't work, that Angel, September her name was, was no match for him, trained by the Devil himself. She was too good, too easily persauded. She wouldn't be able to bring herself to harm him. His human had the brightest blue eyes, and fine brown hair. He slept in a cot, his face the picture of innocence - all too soon it would change.

This paragraph was nice and dramatic, and I love where you're going with this. I hope the question of whether good can still win even though they have to follow all the rules is a central theme in your novel, because there's a lot you can do with that. get rid of the dash though, because unless your name is Emily Dickinson you have to use regular punctuation like the rest of us.

Suddenly September stormed in, her violet eyes furious.
"They woke. They heard. I couldn't get past them. Feel happy."
"Ah, I'm afraid happiness isn't in my vocabulary. How would smug do?" he asked.
Ember wondered how she could manage that spectrum of emotion, the foolish submission to positive feelings, but dismissed it, he had more important things to do.

If they can't be seen, I'm not sure why it's such a problem that the parents woke up. also, it's a little strange how she commands him to "Feel happy". did you mean her to say something like, "are you happy now?" other than that, I love the parts where the demon is talking or thinking, so keep it up.

September opened a window, and breathed in the cool night air. Silently willing Ember to move so she could get rid of her useless body, and join Joshua so she could begin to help him, she paced the room, remembering all of her training, the skills, the techniques, and the love she would give Joshua. Ember seemed to be moving away now, hopefully she could interfere, be there for the boy first. Just as she moved forward she saw how Ember shook, murmuring words that must of been created by the Devil himself. She stopped, realising he would get in first. His whispers grew louder, more intricate, and September watched as the body he'd taken fell to the floor, no longer needed.

Now was the time. She couldn't risk waiting any longer, for fear of what Ember would do. She gently pushed Ember's discarded body away, and took the same position he had. Opening her thoughts, she searched for his, and grasped on to them as she started to recite the words she'd so painstakingly learned; let me guide you, love and protect you, always light the right path so you can live a fulfilled life. She pulled tighter on the cord that connected them, urging him to open up. She whispered Angel lullabies, and stroked his soft hair lovingly, oblivious to the brown hair falling in her eyes.

This part started off confusing, but made a little more sense near the end. the second sentence is a bit of a run on, so maybe break that up a bit. also, I don't quite get why it's so important that they get to him now when he's only six months old. Kids don't really connect with anyone until they're a year or two old, and he wont have any moral dillemas until he's about six anyway.

Ember was just so unnatural to her, she hated him with a passion - maybe it was predjudice, but she'd been brought up to live for all that was good, never harm a singly thing. Love thy neighbour. It was clear to her that Ember wasn't capable of that, would never do that, and that's what she despised; how he could be so evil and not care about, act as if it was normal.

I liked this paragraph for the way it builds their characters, but there are a few typos. first, you probably meant "single" instead of "singly" and at the end you probably meant "...and not care, acting as if it were normal" rather than "...and not care about, act as if it was normal."

"September now that you're in here, your thoughts are as clear as wildfire. I'm amused by how much you fear my," he paused, searching for the right word.
"boldness." he finished smiling.
"I know you feel there's something terribly wrong with going against our creator's ways, but I assure you there's not. In fact, I would suggest trying it out for yourself. Maybe ask Lucifer for a trial period?" Ember added, smirking a little.
She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the soft red light in front of her. It had to be Ember. September was shocked by what he'd said, she'd never even think about transferring to Demon status, the very idea was complete blasphemy!
"I definetly don't fear you you foolish Demon. I hate you. I would never dream of doing that - not even in nightmares." she said angrily, her light pulsing.
He simply laughed, and moved away.
"Just try not to let me into the depths of your inner soul next time you think."

good finish. once again I like the dialogue between the two of them, and I'm excited to hear what religious commentary you plan to make with this piece. It reminds me a lot of the book "the screwtape letters" by C. S. Lewis, only with an angel and a demon. This work has loads of potential, and hope you do great things with it. Make sure you PM me when the next chapter is up.
P.S. is this part of NaNoWriMo? that ended about a week ago, so are you just a bit late, or have you already finished and you are just now posting?
your friend,
---Psudiname

Heyyyyy, just wanna say I love this. I think it's amazing and hope you continueeee.