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The Secret



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Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:33 am
FrozenHeartFcris says...



Chapter 1: 3 Worst Things
One Saturday evening, every single detail of my life changed. The first one is that we need to move a house again. I do not know why we do not have a permanent address. I asked my mom why, and she replied,

"because I have found a new boyfriend. He is so kind,cool,and handsome.
"Oh mom, what kind of answer is that? I'm so sick of moving house, just to find your true love." I said.

My mom didn't say anything, but deep in my heart I know that she loves that man more than she loves me. Well,I'm not jealous for that; I do not care what others tell about me, as long as I live my life and I know who I am and I am Ayamen Lee. Well, moving house will lead to moving school, that's the second thing. Me and my mom went to Wai Sai Academy. In my head, I was thinking, is this school run by an asian? Yes,it is run by an asian who has a son that is named Wai Sai , so it was a dedication, a sweet dedication for her son. When we got home, I saw the "true love" of my mom. He is not that bad,but I don't trust him. His smile kills my mom,but for me his smile is just the worst that I ever saw. I dream in the stars, to make my mom happy or maybe the happiest person in the world. I understand the feelings of other people, but my own feelings even once I never did understand it.

As my alarm clock rings,my eyes open slowly,as slowly as the turtles walk. I am actually the worm in the saying "the early bird catches the worm" I ate breakfast and the food sucks

"Mom, do we have something that I eat at home?" I said.
Mom replied, "Sorry darling, your father doesn't eat those kinds of stuffs."
"Yeah,because it makes me puke every time I eat those foods. My appetite don't fit with your taste." he replied.

Dan Marshall don't fit with my taste extremely unbelievable; well,if he don't I will never like his too. Having a stepdad is the third worst thing I've ever had.

Chapter 2: New Student
"Oh,perfect the service bus is already there, by mom see you after school." I exclaimed.

"Hey , you haven't eat yet " dan said.

"Never mind, I don't like your taste too,your tie looks you like a clown." I said.

"Honey, common you need to fit in."mom said.

"Fit in there's no such thing" I said.

Well, those words are not like me. This is the first time I got mad to mom. In the bus,everyone was staring at me like a new girl in town. In school, a boy approach me. "hi" he said,

"umm I am your classmate and tour guide. I am Nick Bennettiel."
"Nice to meet you, I am Ayamen Lee."
"Here is the principal's office. You need to have a colloquy with Mrs. Cruz."
"aHH, ok. Just a question,how long are you gonna tour me?"
"Well,just for a day,why do you asked?
"Nothing, because in my previous school the tour guide tours the new student for a week."
"Really?
"Yes, because the tour guide should help the new student to cope to the school and with her classmates."

As I enter the principal's office;I am already sure that the principal would asked me tons of questions. I wish I could handle those questions. Transferring school especially when you transfer midterms already.
"Hi darling, I hope you already know me,Mrs. Cruz,the principal.Are you Ayamen Lee?"
"Yes mom, I am Ayamen Lee,the transfer student."

I saw a boy sitting beside Mrs. Cruz looking so suspicious at me.

"Ayamen, this is Louie Gem; he is your tour guide for this day,but I've decided to make it a week."
"I think this is a misunderstanding because nick umm nick bennettiel was my tour guide a while ago"
"really! he should be the tour guide of Mike ,so that's why Mike doesn't have a tour guide last month"
"Last month! what I mean is what happened it's too long?"
"Yeah,because I said the '1st ber' ,but I think he heard the 'first girl' who will be entering this ber months"

As the principal went out to talk to Nick ; Louie was seriously reading his book. he looked different, strange, and somewhat charming. I tried not to look at him or focus my attention to him, but it seems like I was engrossed to him.

Chapter 3: Louie Gem
Louie Gem,what a strange name. Louie sounds like a running water, and of course a gem that is close to crystals. I was thinking how will he be my tour guide. So serious and eccentric. As Mrs. Cruz enter the door,the bell also rang. Mrs. Cruz hand something to Louie;it seems like a note from someone. As Louie and I walked together going to our classroom. How about this strange guy beside me. A complete silence; I think I can handle this, I love peacefulness and silence. We entered the front door. I introduced myself to the class and unfortunately was asked to seat beside Louie. He is my tour guide,my seat mate,and he is class no. 18 while I'm 17 it's all over him, so I asked him "Louie, can you not tour me anymore because I kinda distract you, and I think I can handle it on my own? "Yes, well,it's your decision and I'm just your tour guide" he replied. I smiled back.

The bell rang for lunch "There goes lunch" I said to myself." I'm a total loner,no friends for the half day. After eating lunch, I saw a man planting trees. "Hi,I'm Ayamen Lee" I said.
"Hi, Aya,I'm the school gardener and do you need something?"
"Hahaha, well, I was just going to ask if you've ever planted irises?"
"Oh! yes, of course it is in the field of flowers"
"Oh! Thank you very much."

One thing to know about me is that I love irises,the irises flowers,it gives me strength and confidence.
Last edited by FrozenHeartFcris on Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:50 am
NightWriter says...



Hey FrozenHeartFcris,

Okay, lets get the constructive criticism over with:
One Saturday evening, every single detail of my life change.

So, this should either be: On Saturday, every single detail of my life changed. Or it should be: One Saturday evening, every single detail of my life changed.

The first one is that we need to move a house again.


needed

Okay, basically this whole thing is rushed. You need paragraphing when they speak, you need to stop and take a breath.

as slowly as the turtle's walk.
turtles

"Never mind, I don't like your taste too,your tie looks you like a clown." I said.
Um, what?

Okay, well good progress. This is a very rough draft so I would go over it quite a bit.
You have a good idea though, so keep developing it!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  








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