Young Writers Society

Alex set down one of the many boxes in her new attic, coughing when a cloud of dust rose up.

"Alex, I'm going to the store for dinner!" her mom called up the ladder to the attic. "I'll be home soon!" Alex heard her open the door. "Oh, hello," her mom said.

"Hello," a girl said. "You must be Mrs. Donahue. My name is Isabella Jones but everyone calls me Bella." Alex rolled her eyes. She climbed down the ladder and walked down hurried down the stairs.

"Hi. I've got to run to the store really quick, but my daughter's here bringing the previous owner's stuff down from the attic. Would you all mind helping her? Maybe then she'll have friends on the first day of school to play with." Alex groaned. Why did her mom have to be so embarrasing?

"We'd love to, Mrs. Donahue," another girl said. Alex could almost hear the warning in the second girl's voice, even through an entire floor.

"Lovely, lovely," her mom said. "Just head on up the stairs. You should be able to see the ladder hanging down from the ceiling." She then yelled, "Alex, some people are coming up to help you! It should get done pretty quickly with their help!"
"Just freaking lovely. Not only did we move to suburbia, now I have to make friends. Bloody brilliant." She heard footsteps on the ladder and turned her expression into a scowl.

"Hello," said the girl who had first introduced herself to Alex's mom. Her blond hair was styled perfectly and her tanned skin told Alex all about her weekend activities. "I'm Isabella Jones, but everyone calls me Bella." Alex ignored her outstretched hand.

"Listen. You probably don't wanna be here any more than I want you to be. I'd rather just do this on my own, but my mom would get mad if she saw you guys gone and this not done. I don't wanna sound like I'm using you to get this done, but since I don't really give a damn about any of you, I sort of am. I don't care if you don't like me so don't take it personally if I don't like you. I'm used to being a loner, and I like it, so don't try to be my friend," she said once all the people were in the room. There was a stunned silence before Bella spoke.

"Wow, you're rude." All happiness was gone from her voice. Alex rolled her eyes.
"No shit, Sherlock," she snapped. "Can we just get this done so I don't have to deal with you?" Alex rolled her eyes at the affronted look on Bella's face.

"I thought people from California were supposed to be cool." Alex cocked an eyebrow.

"You've been watching too many movies. Besides, I'm from Monterey, not L.A. Monterey's a hell of a lot different than L.A." Bella opened her mouth again but Alex cut her off. "Can we just get this done so we can go our separate ways?" Bella closed her mouth and nodded. "I'm Alex, by the way. Just in case you have a question."

"I'm Mackenzie," a tall black girl said. "The Hispanic guy is Vasquez, and the tall guy is James." Alex smiled.

"I used to know a guy with the last name Vasquez." They all looked surprised.

"Really? Vasquez asked. Alex nodded.

"Yeah. There're a lot of Mexican people in California." Vasquez grinned. "Now can we please just do this." The rest of them nodded. They spent the next hour moving the boxes down from the attic.

"That went quicker than I expected it to," Alex admitted. "My mom wanted to look through the boxes, too, so we might as well do that." They were all sweaty and dusty, except Bella. She'd excused herself 45 minutes ago, saying that she had to use the restroom.

"Oh, you're all done!" Bella exclaimed, surprised, as she came out of the kitchen. Alex narrowed her eyes at Bella, who smiled innocently.

"We're going through the boxes right now, Bella. That shouldn't get you too dirty. Just tell me if it does, okay?" Alex said. Mackenzie snorted but Bella nodded, not noticing the sarcasm. They went through the boxes, mainly finding old clothes and useless things.

"Hey, what's this?" Vasquez said, holding up a wooden box.

"It looks like a box from an old board game," Alex said. Vasquez started looking for a clasp to open it.

"I don't think we should mess with it, Vasquez," a guy said. Alex looked up in surprise, then realized it must've been James. His blue eyes were fixed on the box in Vaquez's hands.

"James is probably right, Vasquez. Just put it back in the box," Mackenzie said. Bella stood up and took the box from Vasquez. She found the clasp and quickly opened it.

"I think it looks interesting," she said, laying it on the table. "We should play it. I mean, what could go wrong?" Alex shook her head.

"I don't think so. I've seen Jumanji one too many times to play some old board game that we found in the attic." Bella rolled her eyes.

"Come on, Alex. It's just a harmless board game. Besides, there's instructions." Alex shook her head again. "Oh, come on. Are you scared or something?" Alex scowled.

"I'm not scared of a board game, Bella, I'm just don't wanna play."

"So you are scared." Alex let out a frustrated sigh.

"Fine! I'll play if it means that much to you!" she snapped. Bella smirked, then started reading the instructions.

"So everyone has to grab a piece. There're five. A peasant, a dwarf, an elf, a knight, and a princess." Bella quickly grabbed the princess before anyone could. Alex took the elf, Vasquez the dwarf, James the knight, and Mackenzie the peasant. "Everyone starts on the purple square, then they roll two dice to see who goes first. The person with the biggest number goes first. The person who reaches the end goes first. That sounds simple enough."

"Wait, theres a warning," James said. "Players beware, for this game is more than it appears. An adventure awaits you, but once you begin you cannot turn back. Beware the rules and customs, for if you die you can never come back."

"Nope. Not playing. I'm not playing," Alex said, trying to pull her piece off the board. "It's not coming off." James started pulling on his but it wouldn't come off either.

"Maybe it's magnetic or something," he suggested.

"Magnets come off!" Alex snapped, finally giving up.

"I guess we have to play now," Mackenzie said somewhat apprehensively. Bella picked up the dice.

"I'll roll first." She was the only one who didn't seem bothered about the pieces not coming off the board. She rolled a five, then handed the dice to Alex, who rolled a six. Mackenzie rolled a two, Vasquez rolled a four, and James rolled an eight. "I guess you're going first, James," Bella said cheerfully.

"Good luck, man," Vasquez murmured. James rolled the dice again and got a six. He moved the knight, then handed Alex the dice. She shook the dice once, then dropped them on the board. They rolled to a stop at the edge of the board. "It's a nine," Vasquez said. Alex moved the elf as Bella picked up the dice.

"It's a five," Mackenzie announced. Bella moved her piece, then handed the dice to Vasquez. He moved his piece twelve spaces as Mackenzie rolled. She moved the peasant seven spaces. Alex flung herself away from the board when the pieces started glowing.

"I told you this was a bad idea, Jones!" she yelled.

"I didn't know the pieces would start glowing, okay? So don't yell at me, Evans!" Bella yelled in self-defense. A strong wind started blowing in the room, circling around the five of them. The wind strengthened as it blew around them, faster and faster.

"Stay close together!" James yelled over the roaring wind. They all huddled together. "Someone grab the game!" Mackenzie reached out an arm and grabbed the game off the table. There was a cry of, "Alex, no!", then a flash of bright light.

Alright, so I read through the story and took some notes.
I've got a little advice and some pros and cons, but I'll do it in paragraph form.

Once the word "game" was mentioned, I immediately thought about Jumanji and Zathura. Most people would, especially, if the characters were acting all like, "No, I don't wanna play," with uncomfortableness and such.
Unless intended, try to avoid evident foreshadowing. It's like a character will announce that they will go to battle and promise that he will die tomorrow, and he really did. Greeeeat, that's not so suspenseful. What about a character who went to battle, but was unsure whether or not he would die?
You see what I'm going at here?
But unless you intended for Alex to mention that she'd seen Jumanji a lot, I'd avoid that line completely.

Anyways. Now I'll start at the beginning.

I like the variety of characters; it spiffs up the story!
Bells really cracks me up. She made me laugh in a couple of places.
Alex, man, like she said, she's a sorry loner. I get the feeling that she's a tomboy.
There's not much information about Mackenzie, Vasquez, and James, though. Consider adding more about them. Especially James. I'd like to know more about him.

Speaking of dialogue, some places were confusing.
If you take some lines out of context, people would assume the wrong person is speaking.
For example:

"So you are scared." Alex let out a frustrated sigh.

Who's speaking here? I can only assume it's Bella, but the text says it's Alex.

There's only one way to avoid this: space it out using the pretty 'enter' key.
So it would be:

"So you are scared."

Alex let out a frustrated sigh.

There are a couple more lines like that, but I'll leave it to you to look for them.
Remember, space things out every time you're talking about a new character. It'll save confusion.

Back to the story at hand here.

I think you should try to make a strong hook to grab the reader's attention. Maybe a,
"Alex hates her life. She hates people. She hates (whatever place she just moved to in the suburbs). But most of all, she hates boxes. They're old and dusty, and her mom expected her to move them all by herself."
It's probably not all that accurate, but you get the idea here.
Also, consider using first person for the story so Alex narrates it. I think it would be more interesting, and it would give more life and personality.

Also about the beginning: it's a little rushed. Bella and the others are complete strangers to Alex, right? They can't just waltz in the house. Try to add reasons to why they were there in the first place. Assuming that everyone is around thirteen-ish years old (I get that kind of vibe), maybe she was there to sell items for a fundraiser. Or maybe they were her neighbors and they wanted to drop in and say hi. Whatever it was, you should specify it. After all, strangers don't just come in stranger's houses to look through boxes, right?

Although I like the feel of your characters, everyone can still improve.
Try to work a bit on character development.
Alex is a loner. She said so. Loner is synonym for anti-social. Therefore, Alex is anti-social. Think about it. What would Alex say next? Would she make a mini speech? Would she give out her name so easily? Or would Bella have to force it out of her? Give some thought into it.

I liked the conversations going on in the middle.

"Maybe it's magnetic or something," he suggested.
"Magnets come off!" Alex snapped, finally giving up.

They were all sweaty and dusty, except Bella. She'd excused herself 45 minutes ago, saying that she had to use the restroom.

Bella quickly grabbed the princess before anyone could.

Hah. Oh, Bella, Bella, Bella.

The end left a good cliffhanger, though it was slightly confusing. When they rolled the dice, everything happened at once. Easy, now. Take it one step at a time. It will only be a matter of time before Alex disappears. (/smirks)

I'd continue reading this story.
Keep writing!

Well, thanks! I'm amazed I didn't get totally chewed out for overusing commas. That used to be my main thing. But yeah, I'm definitely gonna keep writing this one. And thanks for the criticism. Most people who just read my stuff say, "Yeah, it's good. Blah blah blah." No criticism whatsoever. But they're friends and family. Nothing more can be expected. Muchas Gracias!

No problema!
Nah, I don't think commas were a problem here. At all, actually.
In fact, I support commas. They should be your best friend, 'cause without 'em, sentences. Get. Choppy. And. Annoying.
Feel free to drop me a message whenever you update with a new chapter. :)

Not a problem