Young Writers Society

Okay, I just wanted to say that this is only a small amount of my novel so far, but I will have more up as soon as possible, I'm editing it so I'm not finished I need a lot of advice to pour it on me I don't care what the tone of the critisism, I need to hear everything. Hopefully I'll have the next page up by the end of this week. So here it is.


Chapter 1 page 1. In This World

It was cold, cold as ice, cold as death, and when I touched it I froze. I was not sure how much longer I could handle this cold... this freezing cold.
"I'm going to make everything okay. you have been in a car accident but I don't know how much longer you can make it," I could hear a man's voice talking softly to me. I was sure that I had lost consciousness. Who knew how long I had been out for? "I have to do this I'm sorry." I could still hear the mans voice, but after a minute I didn't anymore... I didn't hear anything.
A pain... a sharp shooting pain entered into my body. I tried hard not to scream but it was too much... a loud scream tore through the darkness, what was this darkness.
I couldn't tell how long I was out before I cam back but now... just this second when I woke up I wasn't so cold anymore, "Where am I?" I asked, realizing the strong senses I now had... the ones like the smell of orange blossom and vanilla, the grained woods, the tiny grains that made up the wood, everything... I noticed everything.
"You're back; how do you feel?" A woman's voice spoke.
"I'm fine," I paused for a moment to try composing my thoughts, "just confused," I sprang up in the bed that I had been lying in, "why am I not cold anymore?" I asked still confused... the cold had been replaced by a nagging thirst... my throat burned, a dull burn, but still a burn... a slowly growing burn, "Annea... where is Annea?"
"Don't be afraid," There was a familiarity in this mans voice that I couldn't remember, "my name is Christiaan and that is Jessicarlie; you should know the others." The man introduced himself and the woman.

before I cam back but now should be 'came'

I didn't notice any other major grammar issues. In terms of the general writing style I think it can come across as a bit stilted, partly because of the number of ... remember you can achieve a lot with standard punctuation. Maybe it's just me but I always think of ... as a cheat I try to use it only in speech and even then sparingly. Also this kind of sounds silly
"the kind of pain that makes you want to scream. I didn't want to scream" I think I know what your getting at but maybe try "want to scream. I tried hard but it was too much... ect"
I also think that you should wait a bit longer to get to the "a vampire" i understand getting the story going but let me wonder for a bit.
There wasn't much to go on being short but I look forward to the next part of the story.
PM me with any questions/abuse
Quibbons Quill