Young Writers Society

Scanning the crowds of drinking men, and the inappropriately dressed woman,
You don't need the first comma. It's not a list of three or more, and both the men and the women are part of the crowd.

I saw no one of danger. At least none of my new found enemies.
The first period needs to be a comma. The second clause is a fragment.

“You goin’ to o’der?” one of the woman asked.
I've never heard an accent that left the r's out.

I told her, my voice rough from days in the hot sun and not enough water.
No story here? You introduce us to her conditions but don't tell us why she's like this.

She left, leaving me to my thoughts.
I would change either left or leaving. It's repetitous the way it is.


“I’ve done some searching around ¾ like you asked ¾ and found no one in search of a woman to work a board their ship.”
Always write out the number unless it's longer than three words. 15 would be written out like fifteen. One hundred thousand fifty would be written like this: 100,050. Write out three fourths. I don't understand this sentence anyway.

Mr. Chambers stared at me with fierce green eyes.
I'm not really sure what or who Mr. Chambers is. You haven't really told us what he does for a living or said anything about his personality.

“I only needed a ship that would bring me to my homeland.
Why isn't she at her homeland?

It seems that my words have no effect on this vial Mr. Chambers.
Vial is actually vile.

The kingdoms will see that, cause a riot; making her step down from her throne.”
Comma not semicolon.

He explained, tapping his fingers on the table.
“And the next in line is your nephew.” I murmured, mostly to myself.
“You are very smart, Samantha.”
Kind of boring ending. I understand this is a transition chapter, but I would continue this a little farther, so one of them leaves the tavern.