Chapter 8
Liesabet's mind was tortured for the rest of the day after what they had been forced to do. So many bodies, all stacked carelessly like cords of wood four or five deep in the cramped hole they had managed to bore into the frozen earth. She could not erase from her memory their unseeing eyes staring straight ahead, and the feeling of their cold naked flesh in her hands, the slickness of the frozen blood covering their skin. Nor could she forget the first shovel-full of dirt that landed atop them from her spade. She could not help but feel that they were watching her, accusing her.
After all that remained of the victims was a unmarked mound of dirt, the guards ordered the rest of the inmates to begin picking up the strewn articles of clothing that lay about the grave. When it was all gathered they were marched back through the gates of the camp and to the main admittance building they had passed through before. There they were led back through the many rooms, where they left the clothes in a heap along with the other piles that had been picked through the day before.
Liesabet realized with horror where then the clothes on her back had been furnished from. She fought the urge to tear them from her body, feeling her skin crawl with disgust. Several of the other women did not seem to share her empathy and Liesabet watched as they tucked the best items into their dresses and coats under the bored and uncaring watch of the guards.
Stumbling along with the rest of the women they were led back into their main compound and over to the hut where they had received breakfast hours before. By now it was nearly midday as far as she could guess for the sun was masked once again by a heavy layer of clouds. Shivering she stood in line for a cup of greasy watery soup and another piece of bread.
After receiving them she walked over to the same mound of dirt she had sat beside before and leaned her back up against it as she tasted the lukewarm gruel. It was tasteless and smelled of dirty dishwater but she was so very hungry. She found herself dreaming of her mother's rich potato and leek soup as she forced herself to drink it all down. There was barely two cups of the soup in her container and it did almost nothing to quench the stabbing pains of hunger in her belly.
The bread she tore in half, cramming a piece into her mouth and tucking the other in her jacket pocket to save for later.
The guards did not return after that and left the women to mill about and wonder what their future held. Liesabet found herself walking the perimeter of the enclosure, feeling like a caged animal. Halfway around she came to a point where she could see across the camp to the men's side, nearly twenty-thirty meters. Guards and soldiers paced the walkway between them. From the distance she could see that their heads had been shaved and they wore the same sort of civilian garb that she did. Many were pressed up against the fence, some staring straight back at her. It was as if she was looking into a mirror for their thin faces held the same cast down and disheartened expression as her own.
For a brief terrifying instant Liesabet caught sight of a dark-haired man with high cheekbones and deep-set eyes, and thought immediately of Rory. She quickly dismissed the idea as foolish. He was a German. Wrapping her arms about herself she turned and continued walking, her mind now completely lost on thoughts of him once again. Happy thoughts. She remembered a particular day many months ago when she and Rory had been to the local bookshop.
She had been browsing through books of science for an upcoming essay and felt him slide up behind her. Giving a sly glance over her shoulder she pretended to ignore him. She felt his fingers brush her side and an uncontrollable giggle had escaped her lips, warranting a venomous warning glance from the elderly woman dressed in black behind the sales counter. Her hand had flown up to catch her laughter as the torment continued until she finally whirled to face him. A mischievous smile had erupted on his face and he let his hands fall away.
"Finding anything interesting?"
Grinning back she had shook her head, "Not yet."
"I may have found just the thing, it was more over this way", he said assuming an air of mock seriousness and taking her by the hand. He led her to a more secluded area of the shop, behind a towering shelf.
"But these are aren't wha......", was all she managed to say before he kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"You look incredibly beautiful today", he had whispered softly into the carefully primped curls surrounding her face and evoking a smile from her, as she had laced her fingers through his own behind his back. Several moments later they had been discovered by the old woman who screeched at them dissaprovingly and forced them to leave. Breathless with laughter they had left the shop, without her purchasing a single book.
Sighing, Liesabet completed her turn about the compound and decided to head back to her barrack as the wind was starting to pick up once again, cutting straight through her threadbare clothing. Tucking her freezing hands beneath her arms she walked hunched over through the rows of houses til she reached her own. Relieved to find it mostly empty she settled in on her bunk and tried to get some sleep.
Corrie returned several hours later looking completely worn out and ready to collapse. A large bruise encompassed nearly half of her face. When Liesabet tried to ask she merely brushed her fingers away and refused to talk about it. Bidding her goodnight she left for her own barrack moments before the lights were extinguished for the night, plunging the small room into darkness.
The other women could be heard whispering amongst themselves and Liesabet felt a familiar twinge of loneliness pain her heart. Unseen tears rose to her eyes and she buried her face into her filthy hands longing for the hellish nightmare to end. She finally curled into a ball on her side, as far away from her bedmates as the small space allowed, only a few centimeters, and blankly stared out the tiny window as the moon climbed higher and higher into the skies.
The next few weeks as winter set in, things became increasingly difficult for everyone as the temperatures dropped and snow began to fall. Many of the older women could not stand it and collapsed during roll call. They were dragged away and never seen again. Others began to become desperate to stay warm and took to stealing other's clothes. Liesabet found herself sleeping on top of her jacket instead of using it as a blanket, for fear of facing a day of work without it at all. The straw that was used to line the bunks was quickly snatched up and used as insulation as were German newspapers that somehow a few managed to lay their hands on. Fires were built inside the barracks on top of the low stone walls and the doors cracked open to let out the smoke. They burned everything they could scavenge or steal.
Food was scarce, meals were only handed out twice a day and Liesabet could tell the soup was being watered down even more so than usual. Many fights broke out amongst the women during mealtime as several of the ones serving the food obviously played favorites, and would scrape the bottom of the pot to catch any bits of gristle or fat in their ladles for their friends. Stealing was also not uncommon and Liesabet found it wise not to ever save any food for later as many of the women had eyes like hawks and would watch for any sudden slip of a hand into a pocket. The penalty for being caught stealing was high but most found the risk worth it.
Even the guard's attitudes changed, they became more violent for no apparent reason at all. They seemed tired and bored of constantly watching over the scores of ematiated flea-bitten women. They longed for a new post, somewhere far from the camps perhaps on the frontlines where there was some excitement to be had, and seemed to take out their aggression on the women.
Public humilation became part of their daily routine. Liesabet watched as day to day women were forced to strip naked, sing the German anthem, or left standing in one position in the below-zero temperatures for hours on end as they were scrutinized for any signs of weakening. Many were simply too weak to withstand such treatment and were beaten mercilessly as a result. The unmistakable screams of agony often halted everyone in the camp until they finally ceased, casting an uneasy pall over the other women. One never knew if the silence meant the victim had merely passed into unconciousness or if they had finally been relieved of their suffering for good.
Liesabet herself fell victim to more than one such occasion and one particular time was forced to crawl on her hands and knees through the snow, soaking the only dry articles of clothing she owned to retreive a small stone that had "bothered" one of the soldiers. Out of breath and shivering violently she had finally made her way back and had handed the stone to the soldier, who without hesitation nor a second glance, threw it over his shoulder and laughed. As she watched him walk away she struggled with a violent rage that visibly shook her entire body. Hatred burned in her eyes and she grappled with the urge to chase the guard down and kill him with her bare hands, to hell with the consequences. Something however made her think the better of it, perhaps it was the odds.
The rest of the day she had spent in bitter agony as every small whisper of wind had stung her wet body like a thousand knives. With every sharp breath she cursed the guards. By the time she stumbled back to her bunk that night, her dress was nearly frozen stiff and crackled under her as she lay down.
After that event Liesabet began to drift into an apathetic state as had so many before her. Death no longer came as a shock to her, a body became just another body. She no longer felt any emotion or pain, shutting out the suffering of the others around her as well as her own, and walking around aimlessly dreaming of a life that she believed she would never live again. She gave up hope of ever seeing Rory, and bitterly envisioned him moving on in his life, his perfect life. She surprised even herself with the hatred she felt towards him though he had done nothing at all.
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