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Young Writers Society


Smoke and Mirrors (1)



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362 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4206
Reviews: 362
Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:56 pm
wonderland says...



Alright, lets see if I could keep this for more then three chapters.


It is terribly hard to be pleasant in a corset. It is terribly hard to do anything in a corset, damned things, with pinching laces, and restricting breath. I would rather not wear one, rather not have to dance with society’s favorite bachelors, rather not have to marry before I turn nineteen. No. There are much better things I could be doing with my time, but, instead, I simply must attend our family’s yearly masquerade.

My gown is red and black, falling to my feet. My mask is wicked and black, catlike and accented with feathers. Bangle bracelets encase my wrists, and it’s obvious, next to the girls who have come as smaller, prettier versions of themselves, I’ve dressed up as a gypsy. I’m dancing with Noah Taylor, who is too charming to distract from his looks. I’m eye level with his moist lips and bulging chin, which is covered by a horrific red and white mask. He’s only wearing a black suit with white shirtsleeves. Not much of a costume.

“Miss?” he lisps when he talks, and that simple word has my nose covered in spit. I want the waltz we are dancing to finish, so I can return to my friend Sophia, who is dressed as an angel to dispel any unpleasant rumors.

“Yes, sir?” I ask, letting my voice grow dark and husky, implying something I’d never do with him. I almost never talk to my partner as I dance, it ruins the air of rebellion I work so hard to achieve. I dance because I have to. Noah doesn’t say anything else, and as the waltz ends, his sweaty hands drop mine, and I turn on my heel and head off to where Sophia is sitting, on a leather couch just on the edge of the dance floor. She clutches to champagne flutes, and I take one, taking a ladylike sip. Her dark hair is pulled so only wisps touch her oval face, her gray eyes staring up at me.

“That was terrible.” I say. Sophia covers her mouth with a hand, hiding a laugh. I eye her, making sure she knows I’m not happy with her pleasure in my torture.

“What do you plan to do now?” Sophia asks, sipping from her flute. Her little mouth twists into a small smile.

“I plan to sit down for the rest of the night. I have danced one dance, I believe that is enough.” I say, crossing my ankles under my skirt. I know that won’t happen. Within five minutes, my mother will be back with a new suitor, and I’ll dance another dance.

Beside me, Sophia sits forward eagerly. Her gray eyes lock forward to a couple on the dance floor.

“Look at Jane.” She whispered, “did she want to come as a harlot, or a slut?” Jane Westmore is only wearing a corset and petticoat, her sandy blonde hair tickling her shoulders. She’s dancing with Tomas Jones, of the Jones family. He possesses the looks, the charm, and the thing that makes girls nuts.

“Maybe just a slut.” I say, “but she seems to get the attention every other girl wants.” Sophia exhales and sits back.

“Of course.” She says, “she gets it in other ways too.” Sophia winks at me and I giggle, knowing exactly what she means.

“Miss Catherine Tucker?” he asks, coming up to our chaise. I look up, widening my eyes underneath my mask.

He’s tall, just taller than my unladylike height. His dark hair is pushed back from his face, half of which is covered by a plain white mask. He’s a pretty boy with a self-assured smirk.

I’m intrigued.

“Yes?” I ask, extending a hand so he could help me up, “I’m not sure we’ve had the plesure of meeting, Mr?”

“Nathan Keller, Miss.” He said, “come, why don’t we talk?” I smiled, a flirtatious smile and allowed him to lead me away from the ballroom, with Sophia staring at us. I know she’d cover for me if my mother wants to find me.


He leads me outside, to the cool, October air. I cross my arms, trying to hide the fact that I will be shivering in five minutes. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

“Miss Tucker, have you heard of Smoke and Mirror?” he asks slowly. I raise my mask over my forehead, and stare at him.

“Of course not.” Nathan Keller continues, “you are a lady, and a lady doesn’t dabble in such things.”

“You never know.” I say. “Just because I’m a young lady of society doesn’t mean I close off all my options.” Nathan removes his mask, and takes a step toward me.

“Smoke and Mirror is a highly elite group of trained…artists.” Nathan said, “We’ve been watching you, Miss Tucker.”

“Call me Cat.” I say, “what type artists?” Nathan laughed, raising his dark eyebrows.

“Assassins.” He whispers, letting his voice drop. I take a step back, not sure I’m liking this conversation, “scared, Cat?”

I shake my head.

“No.” I say, “no, I’m not.” Nathan raises his eyebrows.

“Smoke and Mirror needs a female to complete a task. After watching six young women in London’s circles, we have decided that girl is you.” I smile, tilting my head to the side.

“I’m flattered.” I said dryly.

“This is serious.” Nathan said, “there is a certain prince that needs to be taken care of.” I raised my eyebrows.

“You don’t want me too…?” I ask. Nathan pulls out a dagger. I’m not sure where he hid that, or if he had any more on him.

“With this knife.” Nathan says, “if you do this, you’ll be paid handsomely, though you don’t need it.” Kill a prince. Kill a prince. The thought turns over in my head. I can’t believe it. This must be a dream.

“If I don’t?” I ask, my voice dropping to a whisper. My heart is racing. I hope he wouldn’t say that I’d have to die, or that there ‘will be serious consequences’.

“We’ll have a magician erase your memory, and you’ll never have heard of Smoke and Mirror. You’ll never see me again.” Nathan said, “which you don’t want.”

“Cocky.” I say, putting a hand on a hip. I raised my eyebrows, trying to make it seem like I wasn’t scared, though my heart was fluttering, and my hands were shaking. I was very scared.

“Do you accept?” Nathan asks.

“I do.” I say, my heart racing. My sweaty fingers clutch the cold, foreign knife. With that, Nathan, reenters my house. I try to follow him, but he moves fast, disappearing before my eyes.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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49 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 922
Reviews: 49
Sun Feb 13, 2011 3:06 pm
MilkNCookies says...



Well, time for your review!

Apple said to me once that writing was like sewing two pieces of cloth together. Well, you have nice stitch work. In a few places, it could be better/tighter, though.

The bad:

First- description. Why are they in costumes? I didn't really get that part. What is Nathan wearing? You say half of his face is covered by a white mask. What half, top or bottom? What does the exposed part look like?

Second- Setting. Where are they? I'm picturing a huge ballroom like in Cinderella. But they could easily be somewhere else. Give me a bit more description. What other costumed people are there?

Third- Some background on Cat. Is she a princess? I'm thinking she is, but I'm not very sure.

Fourth-
I ask, letting my voice grow dark and husky, implying something I’d never do with him.
That's very confusing to me.

The good:

First- I love your opening line! It really drew me in.

Second- I like where the plot is going. I can see her either slaying the prince or chickening out at the last moment... I REALLY want to see what happens. So, good job. Few chapters can hold me like this.

Third- Good characterization. Sofia seems to be slightly tipsy here, and it's a bit unexpected. A good unexpected, though. Cat seems to want to prove herself. Nathan seems to be a lady's man. And so on.

Fourth- Structure. I like how your events are laid out, how your lines are organized, if that makes any sense.

Fifth- I didn't really find any grammatical nitpicks.

Overall:

This was a nice piece that I really look forward to reading more of. There were a few things you could improve, but that's normal and expected. It's why we're reviewing for you. Post a comment or PM me when the next chapter is up!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1349
Reviews: 27
Mon Feb 14, 2011 5:17 pm
jamesMarcus says...



An excellent plot!
i enjoyed the idea extremely and am curious to know what happens next. I must say not a typical mind at all yet very unique. To read such good stories . I see there is just one problem, the idea in you'r mind is very big and this short story lacks description so describe the scene more. This way the picture in you'r mind can be visualized by the readers. I liked the idea very much because it was unique yet well written.
Keep it up!
James
  








Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado