z

Young Writers Society


Gettysburg Chapter 1



User avatar
117 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7415
Reviews: 117
Mon Feb 28, 2011 2:16 am
Sapi says...



Spoiler! :
This is my first try at anything but poetry. I know it needs a whole lot of work but I can't figure out exactly what it needs. Feel free to not say I did a great job and please tell me everything I did wrong! :)


“And there, and there, and there!” yelled Alex as she made a final jab at her twin sister, Gracie.
“Stop that, you always win, and besides, it’s nearly dinnertime.”
“Oh, come on, Gracie, just one more bout. I think it’s fun.”
“That’s because you always win. You wouldn’t feel so great if you stepped into my shoes for a while!” retorted Gracie, flipping her golden hair. She added, with a shiver, “ I’m freezing, and anyhow, Mama will be expecting us in for dinner anytime now.”
Alex sighed, watching Gracie’s long red dress disappear inside the front door of the small house. As she expected, she heard Mama’s muffled voice from the kitchen window, saying, “Come in, girls, it’s time for supper!”

**********

And so began the exploits of these two young women, both thirteen years of age. Alexis, or Alex, as she preferred, was born precisely one minute before her identical twin Gracie, the more delicate of the two.
So the sisters went in for a warm meal, after five quickly-won fencing bouts with their father’s old, rusty swords. It was in the frigid month of November, 1862. The following week would bring Thanksgiving. Up in Pennsylvania, where the girls lived with their mother, the next year would carry a wonderful surprise for all of them, though they had no idea what was about to happen.
Their father, George, was away, a Union soldier during those dark days. Alex longed to be with him. At the table, the older twin expressed her feelings for the hundredth time that week.
“Why can’t girls do what men do, just for once?” Alex’s cheeks bulged from the piece of chicken she had just stuffed in her mouth. Gracie shook her head in disgust.
“ For the hundredth time, Alexis---,” Gracie began, only to be promptly interrupted by Alex, “Don’t call me Alexis. Alex is my name, thank you very much,” she said, stiffly. Gracie rolled her eyes, as Alex gulped a whole potato down.
“As I was saying,” she continued, with a glare at Alex, “I bet even you could answer that question, dummy. Girls aren’t men, why else would we be different? Besides, what girl in their right mind would ever want to do some of the things men do?”
Alex was fuming. “It was a rhetorical question, blockhead. And for your information, the war is not silly. It’s very serious.”
“Girls, girls!” cried their mother, “Calm down! We’re at the dinner table.”
Alex was tired of trying to explain to her pretty, proper sister how important the war was to her. She bit her lip, not letting her midnight blue eyes betray her with their pouring tears. If only she was a boy…
“Be courageous, my little warrior. Don’t let them get to you. None of what they say is true, Alex, do you here that?”
Five-year-old Alex, sitting on George’s knee, gazed up at her father with big blue eyes, pale cheeks glistening with tears. Laughed at for trying to tuck her blonde curls into her dress, Alex had been teased and run to her father for guidance.
“Yes, Father. I’ll never let them do it again!” replied the little girl fiercely. George Hamilton hugged his daughter close, chuckling in his familiar hearty way. The tears in his brown eyes were filled with love for Alex’s small, fiery spirit. Little did either of them know that seven years from then, a lieutenant’s cap would be sitting atop Mr. Hamilton’s short, woody hair, and he would be far, far away from his beloved twin daughters.

Alex snapped back to attention. Gracie recognized a glint in her sister’s eye that she saw often. She and Mama were both looking intently at Alex, waiting for her to say something.
“Um…,” Alex started, uncomfortable with her family’s stares on her, “Is there something wrong?”
As if waking from a trance, Gracie shook her gaze away from her twin and replied quickly, “No, not at all! Would you like some cherry pie?” Relieved, Alex took the pie from Gracie and dove in. As far as Alex was concerned, food fixed every problem.
Later that night, Alex was still contemplating her father’s absence and Gracie was still worried about Alex. Neither of them was anywhere near falling asleep.
Finally, Gracie whispered, “Are you asleep yet?”
“No.”
“Are you still worrying about Father?”
Silence.
“Alex?”
“I…I just want to see him again.”
“Well, he’s been gone for over a year –isn’t that obvious?”
“ I don’t know.”
Gracie paused, then murmured, “It’s all right. I miss him too.”
Alex was reassured by her sister’s words. “Alex the Great is on your side, Father,” she whispered, repeating Mr. Hamilton’s old joke, followed by her soft, tinkling laugh. Though Alex was sure Gracie couldn’t hear her, her sister grinned into her pillow, perfect teeth pressing against the rough cotton.
“Good night,” Gracie breathed.
“Good night.”
Moments later, soft snoring emanated from Alex’s bed. Gracie smiled. What a sister, she thought, as her eyes closed.

So, hope you like it!

~Lili
New to YWS? Check out The Buddy System!

Want to know what's going on around here? Visit Squills - the YWS News

Join The Storybook Revolution...Help revive the Storybooks!
  





User avatar
76 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1570
Reviews: 76
Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:48 pm
bugbug368 says...



Ooh, I do like it. The way you describe the twins, it's really good. And it almost like I know the two girls in person. I didn't find anything that ruined it, which is a first as I am very picky. I do like it and I sure hope you post the second chapter, it's brilliant! :D
Nobody is more obsessed with Jedward than I am...
- bugbug368
  





User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1061
Reviews: 31
Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:22 pm
Titan4ever says...



I really liked your story! The twins seem so realistic, especially Alex. I know tons of girls (and guys)that are very picky about their nicknames. I'm pretty sure that a lot of people can relate! i HOPE THAT THIS ISN'T THE END OF THE STORY!Keep writing!

-Titan
-Titan4ever
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."
  





User avatar
51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 836
Reviews: 51
Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:54 pm
azntwinz2 says...



Hi! I'll review this as I read along.

The first part with the two twin sisters fighting was endearing. That is actually how twins play (I know from experience) and there is usually a stronger character (a.k.a. Alex). Insightful!

was born precisely one minute before her identical twin Gracie, the more delicate of the two.

This might be nitpicky, but back then C sessions were not available with the technology. Thus, it's highly unlikely that natural birth could happen in only one minute. (BTW, this is a topic I often fight with my own twin about.)

“As I was saying,” she continued, with a glare at Alex, “I bet even you could answer that question, dummy. Girls aren’t men, why else would we be different? Besides, what girl in their right mind would ever want to do some of the things men do?”

This is something I always get asked/told. That there is a more "feminine" one and "masculine" one between two twin girls. Makes these twins seem real.

As if waking from a trance, Gracie shook her gaze away from her twin and replied quickly, “No, not at all! Would you like some cherry pie?”

It's sweet how twins will comfort each other and know without saying what's wrong with the other.

This was enjoyable, but a bit slow. It seemed liked you spent the whole chapter exploring the twins and their relationship with each other. For me, I'd like to dig more into the historical aspect about it, let's move on to the war!
Good job, you're really intuitive! As a twin, I really liked this piece.
Please make sure to check out my portfolio! Any comments are immensely desired!
  








Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief