Young Writers Society

DEATHE BLACK TH
1347 25th November.
Dear diary
My name is Adam Hughs i am 53 years old, i know that i havent got long left untill i pass so i thought i should write down what happens in my last years.I have out lived my wife ,my sisters and brothers and my parents died long before i new how to speak to say i love them, i dont know how they died, i was never told. I grew up with my antie who died when i was 20.

1347 19th December
dear diary
Today it is my birthday, in the morning my closs feinds who are more like siblings , they brought me one of the kings horses, it is a white mustang stands to about 6ft high.If you are wondering how they offord that, robert in one of the king best knights.I have to go to church now.

1347 25th December
It is early in the morning i am up ready to go to curch i thought i should write because it is christmas and i got some important gifts my one daughter made me i special picture frame with a painting of my wife, i havent told you but my wife was and artist and she always tault my daugter how to paint,and she also dose it as a career, once she pianted for the king.

1348 1st April
dear diary
I havent writen in my diary for i long time as there has been great sufering in englend people call it the back death, its been counted that a least a million have been killed from it already and it has only been apon us for 3 months , people say it is the devils doin.When people get the black death they are locked in there houses to die, docters have no cure however they do think tha carrying a rabits foot will give you luck and stop yoou form getting the plague as people also call it.

1348 13th April
dear diary
One of my closses friends died his name was hugo burns he was 30 years old he also left his wife jane roberts a widow. hugo was like a brother to me and without him i dont fill hole any more.

1348 18th may
dear diary
No one else i love or know has died but i have catched the black death, my daughter has moved in even now she will proably get the black death.

1351 21st october
dear diary
This is lucy i am adams daughter, he past on april the 15th 1348 i have taken a long time to write in is diary his birth and his death but i will do it know, but first i must tell you a story of when i was 6, well i was crying because i was getting bullied by to girls they were 7 and were pushing me in to a puddle of mud but my dad came and tap tham on the head and said, i am going to push you in the mud if you dont behave and they said we are sorry lucy is great we just want to be her best freind and then ran off.Any way i must to this now, BORN 1294
DIED 1348

I really don't want to sound harsh. However, this needs work. I know it's a diary, I know it was written from the point of view of someone who lived long ago, I know old english is different from nowadays. Still, you have so many mistakes here I couldn't even finish reading. It didn't sound like old english, it just sounded like someone who doesn't know anything about grammar and spelling. Sorry. Also, you were way too factual. Give us some emotion! Make us feel the character, relate to him in some way. A man living during the black death would not casually mention his dead friends. try and feel what people would feel. How would you respond if only half the population reached adulthood? Do you realize, most of the people this guy knows are dead, he would be way more emotional. And, he would write more. He would be filled with the heaviness of all the problems going on in Europe, and he would have more to say about it then "oh yeah, they died." So, hope I wasn't too harsh, and I tried to be helpful.

BLACK DEATH

1347, 25th November
Dear Diary,
My name is Adam Hughs I am 53 years old, I know that I haven't got long left until I pass so I thought I should write down what happened in my last years.
I have out lived my wife, my sisters and brothers, and my parents. They died long before I knew how to speak to say I love them (his parents or the rest of his family too?), I don't know how they died, I was never told. I grew up with my aunt who died when I was 20.

1347, 19th December
Dear Diary,
Today it is my birthday, in the morning my close friends (who are more like siblings) brought me one of the King's horses; it is a white stallion that stands to about 6ft high. If you are wondering how they afford that, Robert is one of the King's best knights. I have to go to church now.

1347, 25th December
Dear Diary,
I am up ready to go to church but I thought I should write because it is Christmas and I got some important gifts. My one daughter made me a special picture frame with a painting of my wife, I haven't told you but my wife was an artist and she taught my daughter how to paint, and so she also chose it as a career, after she painted once for the king.

1348, 1st April
Dear Diary,
I haven't written in you for a long time as there has been great suffering in England. People call it the Black Death, its been counted that a least a million have been killed from it already and it has only been upon us for 3 months, people say it is the devils doing. When someone gets the Black Death they are locked in thier houses to die. Doctors have no cure, however they do think that carrying a rabbit's foot will give you luck and stop you from getting the plague, as people also call it.

1348, 13th April
Dear Diary,
One of my closest friends has died. His name was Hugo Burns and he was 30 years old. He left his wife, Jane, a widow. Hugo was like a brother to me and without him I don't feel whole.

1348, 18th May
Dear Diary,
No one else I love or know has died but I have caught the Black Death. My daughter has moved in so now she will probably get the Black Death.

1351, 21st October
Dear Father's Diary,
This is Lucy, I am Adam's daughter. He passed on April the 15th, 1348. I have taken a long time to write in thisis diary his birth and his death, but I will do it know. (<---- That makes no sense. Try thinking about what you wanted to say, then rethinking it into a different sentence.) First I must tell you a story of when I was 6: I was crying because I was getting bullied by two girls. They were 7 and were pushing me in to a puddle of mud but my father came and tapped them on the head and said, ' I am going to push you in the mud if you don't behave.' The girls said 'we are sorry. Lucy is great, we just want to be her best friend.' They then ran off. Anyway I must do this now:
BORN 1294 - DIED 1348

You may want to go through this and look for the pieces that I put into parentheses for they are my commentary.

This is a good story but it's in need of some serious revision. I recommend going to this site and pasting in your story then hitting the 'Edit!' button. It will probably help a lot. Other than that I'd say to delete the last little story then re-write it a different way with a little plot. Other than that I'd have to say that you should add a bit more emotion from Adam's point of view and then when Lucy is writing for her to express her sadness.

Remember to seriously edit and revise this!

Keep writing,
-Just