Young Writers Society

Prologue:



The Knight Templar is a secret society that has been keeping the humans safe. We have the most important document in the world, a document that could cause a war between every human being. This document has been wanted from the beginning, although no one has actually seen it. It is buried with its owner—Mary Magdalene.



Most of you might know Mary Magdalene for what the Church had used her as a disguise; the Church has made Mary Magdalene look like a prostitute. In the Bible, she is the woman that kissed Jesus's feet in front of his thirteen followers. In truth, Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute; she was (and I know you're going to argue with me) Jesus's wife. Nowhere n the Bible does it say that. That’s why everyone is trying to find the Holy Grail to confirm it. That is the exact document that the Church wants to destroy. ( I took this info from The Da Vinci Code, but I’m going to make it different)



It is said that Mary Magdalene and Jesus had a child, although about the same time that Jesus was executed, Mary Magdalene was giving birth far-far away from there. And, just as Jesus had spirit all of the sons and daughter of Jesus and Magdalene that are still born, have magic now. We call them King, Queen, Prince, and Princess. However, our King and Queen were murdered a year ago. The Church and others have been sending people to kill them. That is why right now, one-fifth of the Knight Templar stay and protect the Prince and Princess, and the others go out and fight.



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"What!" I yelled when my father had told me where I was going.



"You are young at this. Those people are way too crazy and had a lot of experience; you're just a starter. That’s why you’re going to France and protect the Prince and Princess. If we need more help then we'll call some of the Knights to come over here. But, for now just go without any further arguments," he said in his I’m-not-changing-my-mind tone.



"But-"



"No buts, Raven. You will do and do as you are told," he said and started to get up. "You will be leaving tomorrow morning, so go pack.”



"That is so unfair!" I yelled up at the ceiling.



I stared into my grey eyes that were filled with hate.



How could they do this to me! I have been working my butt of just to become a Knight Templar to protect the document not the Prince and Princess! It wasn't that I had anything against them, since I have never met them; it was just that I'm more comfortable with the Templar then their Holiness. I am not a person that likes calling others 'My Lord' or 'Your Holiness'; it irked me to do so.



Unwillingly, I went to my room and started to pack. All of my clothes were black, red, dark brown, dark blue, and any other dark color. They had to be like that because we, Templars, are supposed to stay undercover at night. Then we can search around the house we are staying in so that we don’t let one of Them get close to their Holiness. Also we—me since I’m the only girl in the Knight Templar—could not wear skirts.



"Oh God. Who pissed you off?" Said someone from behind me.



I turned to face Erik. Erik has jet black hair, soft hazel eyes, and an amazingly athletic body. Erik was also a Templar, and had a huge crush on me. I told him all that had happened and to my utter annoyance he laughed. He stopped automatically and his face went pale when he saw my piercing mad eyes staring at him.



"Sir Sangreal is a sick evil man," he said.



"I know!" I yelled again and then we kept on talking about how mean that was and everything else that was happening.



After a while I went to sleep with all of my things ready to go and move to France. The place where they kept the Prince and Princess was beautiful. It was called ‘Château Villette’.



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That is all for the prologue. Comment and Vote if you like or don’t like. I hope that you guys enjoyed it. There will be more soon. The more votes and comments I get the faster I post. Thanks.

~Raven

Nowhere n the Bible does it say that. That’s why everyone is trying to find the Holy Grail to confirm it. That is the exact document that the Church wants to destroy. ( I took this info from The Da Vinci Code, but I’m going to make it different)

Careful about doing using things from movies, and don't forget to proofread! Sometimes a missing letter will throw people off. Another thing I noticed was that you skipped some key parts. When you stated:

I stared into my grey eyes that were filled with hate

It threw me off. Where is Raven? In her (?) room, downstairs, or somewhere else entirely? Overall it's a interesting story that I wish to keep reading. Could you send a message to me to let me know when you've posted more? Please and thank you!

DeathCurrent

Sure! and thanks on the advise!

Hi ya! So thanks for reviewing my work, I'm now here to return the favor!
I liked your piece, especially how even though it was set in the medieval times it had a more modern/contemporary feel to it. So, just a few nit picks from my end:

The Knight Templar is a secret society that has been keeping the humans safe. We have the most important document in the world, a document that could cause a war between every human being. This document has been wanted from the beginning, although no one has actually seen it. It is buried with its owner—Mary Magdalene.



Most of you might know Mary Magdalene for what the Church had used her as a disguise; the Church has made Mary Magdalene look like a prostitute. In the Bible, she is the woman that kissed Jesus's feet in front of his thirteen followers. In truth, Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute; she was (and I know you're going to argue with me) Jesus's wife. Nowhere n the Bible does it say that. That’s why everyone is trying to find the Holy Grail to confirm it. That is the exact document that the Church wants to destroy. ( I took this info from The Da Vinci Code, but I’m going to make it different)



It is said that Mary Magdalene and Jesus had a child, although about the same time that Jesus was executed, Mary Magdalene was giving birth far-far away from there. And, just as Jesus had spirit all of the sons and daughter of Jesus and Magdalene that are still born, have magic now. We call them King, Queen, Prince, and Princess. However, our King and Queen were murdered a year ago. The Church and others have been sending people to kill them. That is why right now, one-fifth of the Knight Templar stay and protect the Prince and Princess, and the others go out and fight.

So I felt the whole "preface" was quite unnecessary. It bogs the story down and is very "telly" and almost an info dump. I would start the prologue with Raven, and the fact that she is a female Templar knight. You could weave the rest of the information nicely into the rest of the story and keep us reading for more!

Just another thought, though historical idea's like the Templar Knights and Mary Magdalene are very intriguing "mystery's" that would be awesome to write about, keep in mind a lot of research is in order (beyond the da vinchi code lol) to make sure your story isn't "offensively flawed". Just a friendly though, having experienced people's misinterpretation of my own writing having bad affects:)

Thanks again!
~Dakota Knight