Young Writers Society

Chapter One -- Prologue -- In the Beginning
Dear John,
I know many will embark on putting together an account of the things that we have seen fulfilled among us, just as the letters of the law and the prophets were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of our Lord. With this in mind, since I myself was there from the beginning of these fulfilments, I have decided to write an account for you so that you may know the certainty of the things you have been told.
I believe that it was the will of God that I was obliged to stay in Nazareth on account of my health and not continue with you and Peter on this latest journey so I could write my story in peace and solitude without any interruptions. Now I suppose I must start at the very beginning, since it is the very best place to start. So here it is...

In the Beginning of time, God created everything in the heavens above and the earth beneath and said it was very good. Everything was created perfect without fault including man, the only thing uniquely created in God's image with dominion over creation. He had a soul or ability to choose, think, and reason and a spirit to act on will and character rather than mere instinct like all the animals. All creation lived in harmony under the rule of King Adam and Queen Eve. But you know the story: one minute they had it all, but with one bite they sacrificed it all.
The two had eaten from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil -- the one tree in the entire garden God had told them they must not eat. God promised that on the day they ate of it they would surely die. God kept His promise: they died spiritually with their sin and were banished from the garden and the Tree of Life for God cannot live with sin. Their desires were affected and they had a disposition to choose evil over good; they now had a sinful nature with a desire to sin and disobey. Because of their first sin, all men ever since have sinned and not been allowed in God's presence.
God promised to send a conquering seed from the woman that would bring life back to their spirits. He would restore man to that perfect state without sin. God sent prophets to describe in detail how the Saviour was to be born, where He would come from, and who He would be and do. He was promised to be and do so many nearly impossible things (They were not truly impossible, for God is the creator and ruler of natural laws.); many believed the Messiah would never truly come.
Centuries passed since that first sin, and God still had not fulfilled his promise. During this time God's, "chosen people" (they did not always feel chosen by God), from whom the Messiah was to come, had fallen into bondage and captivity time and time again, placing more doubt into man's mind. The idea of God and a Messiah was thought as only a foolish hope or a mere child's tale, and prophets who spoke the truth were mocked and called foolish story tellers. Then a time came when God ceased to send His prophets and no Word from God was heard for centuries, BUT then God happened. And this, my dear reader, is where my story shall truly start.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

I haven't reviewed in a while, so I may be rusty. I shall try my best!

I like that you started it off with a letter, which is similar to many of the New Testament stories. It's also nice that she gives a brief, yet thorough background of the story. You could probably make this section, this letter, the prologue. It also shows the entire message of Christianity/God which I like a lot. So that's a good start.

Now on to my questions...

First, which Mary is this story about? (there are quite a few connected to the life of Christ) There is Mary, His mother, Mary Magdalene and I think one more (I'm guessing not the last one). Clarification would be nice. I assume it's His mother, but then you mention some of the Apostles and Mary Magdalene might have known them (I'm not positive, I can't quite remember). Anyways.

Second, I think that clarifying who Peter and John are would help the readers. I know who they are, but I also have grown up in the church and heard plenty of Bible stories about them. I'm not sure how you would go about this. I did get a glimpse of them when you put that they travel, so that's good.

I don't really understand the "King Adam and Queen Eve" thing. They weren't really king and queen. Yes, I suppose they ruled over the animals and such but the idea of kings, queens, and rulers wasn't present. There was no need for something like that in the garden, because God was there, walking with them (which is pretty awesome). But maybe you have a purpose for that so decide what you want for you story.

What do you mean by "God happened?" at the end? I'm not really sure what that's supposed to be saying. Maybe clarify unless you will explain it later.

Anyways, this is a good start. I'm curious to see from Mary's point of view (either one), because there are no first-view accounts from women in the Bible, just stories about them. So this has promise to be interesting. And if the Mary you are making it to be is Christ's mother, I'm even more curious. So, if you put up more, please tell me!

Thanks, hope I helped. I'm not very good at the grammar stuff, but I hope this stuff helps.

-Narniafreak

PS. If you need any reviews, need to review anything, need clarification on anything, post more, or anything else feel free to PM or post on my wall thingie. Thanks!

yeah don't worry i will explain. oh and about the King Adam and Queen Eve, I was in corperating the child like tale that i remember being told ever since my first christmas pagant. And its about His mother who knew John since Jesus on the cross left his mother in John's (the apostle who he loved) care. but i don't really feel a need to explain the begining letter that much since its not a crutial part of the story and may or may not be explained later, plus I don't feel it really has to be explained since some of the begining leters of the New Testament were not.
Thanks for the review i apriciate these honest reviews.
---Rachel

Nice, I like it. We need more Christian fiction out there. Just two nitpicks: In you last sentence, there should be a comma before and after dear reader. I think it's called an apositive, but I'm not sure. Also, there's not a space between Gods, and "chosen.
But other than that, I didn't see any grammar mistakes. I like it a lot. Good job. Can't wait to read the next chaper.
-tgirly

You did a really nice job on your story. I can't wait until you make another chapter. Good Job.

- Danielm1233

RachelJY, your opening narrative was powerful! It was written with the depth and authority that we see in the actual Scriptures. And it relates perfectly, in a gripping, soul-stirring way, the truth of how man seperated himself from God, and how God promised, through the prophets, to remedy that seperation by sending His Son as our Savior. I also liked how you described Israel's doubt as they endured century after century of not seeing God's promise fulfilled. The description is a perfect mirror of our own time, where we live in a world gone mad, and God's power seems discouragingly distant. BUT then God happens...
Anyway, as some of the other members pointed out, the main problem was a few errors in punctuation, and a few aspects of the letter that needed clarification. However, there was also a few sentences in particular that didn't sound right to me. "They now had a sinful nature, with a desire to sin and disobey." Both phrases seem to be saying the same thing, so maybe choose one over the other. I also felt the previous sentence, "Their desires were affected and they had a disposition to choose evil over good," seemed to explain the same concept as the latter sentence, only in different words. Maybe write something like: "Their desires were affected and they had a disposition to choose evil over good.
"They now had a sinful nature."
You know, use the sentence, They now had a sinful nature, to emphasize the previous one.
Another phrase that bothered me was "Who He would be and do." It seemed to me that you should have written "Who He would be and what He would do," or "Who He would be and the things He would do." The only other thing that I would change was how it says "He was promised to do so many nearly impossible things." Sorry, but nearly impossible doesn't sound right to me. Either something's impossible or it's not. Besides, you adequately convey in your next sentence that nothing's impossible with God, so the word nearly feels unnecessary.
Please let me know if my opinions were helpful. They are, after all, just my opinions. You're the author, and you have the final say and know what's best for your story. And trust me, I have a feeling your strong writing talent will help you take the world of Christian fiction by storm!