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Young Writers Society


The Raven's Claw-Chapter I



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Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:19 pm
ashleymae says...



NOTE:Keep in mind that this chapter isn't yet finished but will be added to once complete and also, I have a version based on this on PanHistoria in Short Cuts under the name of The Dragons Ground.


Devonshire, England
December 1699




Katheryne, startled at the pain, gasped for air. The corsets had gotten tighter, of which many have assured her are the current fashion. She looked at herself through the full bodied mirror. Due to oxygen being cut short, her face was stark white. Her blonde hair nearly matched that of her face. The only color she had was her blue eyes which glistened under her lashes and her pink lips which were slightly parted as she struggled to breathe. One of her ladies-in-waiting, Beatrice, tried to string the corset as fast as she could. It caused the pain to worsen and forced Katheryne to shudder. It was soon over as Beatrice strung the last bit of the corset and adjusted Katheryne’s underskirt. She then put on a silver dress, the bodice tightly nit to fit her, the petticoat becoming wide from the waist below, and the sleeves went to her elbow and were cut open to expose white lace and more layers of fabric.

The door behind them opened and another lady-in-waiting entered. She paused in the middle of the doorway and did the proper curtsey. She entered afterwards and stood behind them. She was always hesitant at her speech, and so Katheryne beckoned the girl to speak as she glanced at her through the mirror. The girl was quick to obey her mistress and spoke up, “My lady, its time for sup.”

Katheryne thanked the girl and dismissed her. She pitied the girl greatly, for she has only been apart of a lord’s household for no more than six months. Her name was Millicent and she was the only child of a poor peasant. Millicent’s mother died two weeks prior to her acceptance. Her mother’s dying wish was that Millicent would have a better life, one without the possibility of an early death. So her father thought of the only possible solution, to beg a lord to take his daughter in as a servant. Then she was placed into Katheryne’s service.

Beatrice finished with her mistress’ hair and followed her into the castle’s great hall. Katheryne entered the hall with a smile playing on her lips. She hadn’t heard news of visitors and was shocked to see two men standing with her parents and uncle by a window. She could tell that they were in deep conversation and kept quiet as she slowly approached. Her father caught sight of her and opened his arms, exclaiming; “Now we eat.” She took her uncle’s arm as he led her to her usual seat. Her father sat at the head of the table and her mother sat at his right and Katheryne sat at his left. Her uncle sat next to her and the two men sat next to her mother.

Lord Geoffrey Greyland sat tall at his head seat. He was in his late fifties. He had thin grey hair which was once thick and brown. He had the same blue eyes as his daughter, being the only resemblance between them. Lady Jacqueline Greyland looked exactly like her daughter with the exception of large dark brown eyes. She was in her early forties and still carried the grace she had when she was in her twenties. Sir Henry Greyland would seem to be his brother’s twin when he was in fact the younger in his late thirties. The only difference between the two was his still lustrous brown hair. The two men appeared to be the same in age and Katheryne assumed they were on official business due to their attire. They both wore black. The man sitting next to her mother had black hair and green eyes while the other had auburn hair and brown eyes.

She cut into a thick piece of cooked venison and looked to her father as he prepared to speak. “These two gentlemen come from the king.” He took a sip of ale. “His Majesty has appointed me an envoy to one of the colonies, yet unknown. He wishes me to travel there from time to time to check in and make sure everything is in order. Wherever he makes my charge, he will give us an estate.”

Katheryne looked to her mother and she confirmed his story with a nod. She had always wanted to travel outside of Europe and visit the rest of the world. “For each journey both you and Sir Henry will travel with your father, and these two gentlemen,” Lady Greyland spoke in her thick French accent. “I will stay behind in order to watch after the castle and the land.”

She nodded her head and cut into another piece of venison. She ate in silence, only acknowledging those who spoke with a glance. Once the meal was finished, they all adjourned to the castle’s parlor. She stood silently by one of the windows next to the hearth. Her father, mother and uncle sat on the sofa while the two men sat in the chairs. She looked out the window and gazed upon the snow. It was a beautiful white blanket covering the castle’s courtyard and gardens. Kylton Castle was always a beauty but it always reached its peak in the winter.

She longed to be outside which was her favorite pastime. She left the brightly decorated room and ordered a lady to get her cloak and gloves and to ready her horse.
"Together we fight, no matter the price"

-Harlana and Robin, Sweetest Magic
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:10 am
21WhiteRoses says...



From reading just this I am ready to buy it when you finish and publish it! I really like the setting and characters. The flow of the words are lovely!I think this has a lot of potential in it so keep at it and work hard!
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:03 am
Leahweird says...



A couple nitpicks. This line,
The corsets had gotten tighter, of which many have assured her are the current fashion.
struggles to make sense. I think thers an issue in the tense. I didn't see any other problems, but maybe this one was most obvious because it was so near the beggining. Also, I don't know much about history after the barouqe era (Medieval major) but you'd best be sure she has a sutable companion on the journey with her, or she wouldn't be allowed to go. Regular servants don't count.

I can see your just starting out here, but I can't wait to find out where it's going.
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:21 pm
Hecate says...



Hello there!

I will be reviewing for you today :)

First of all, this is a lovely story. It was one of the few stories I read today on this site that actually interested me. I want to know when the next bit comes out, and don't you ever stop writing this because it could be something awesome.

But, you know, there's always room for improvement and that's why I'm here.



ashleymae wrote:Her blonde hair nearly matched that of her face.


This makes it sound as though her blond hair nearly matched the blond hair on her face. I'm sure you didn't mean to imply she had facial hair, but instead were speaking about her complexion. If you reword this, this won't be an issue. Not a fatal mistake :)

ashleymae wrote:The door behind them opened and another lady-in-waiting entered. She paused in the middle of the doorway and did the proper curtsey. She entered afterwards and stood behind them


If these sentences are correct, the lady in waiting entered twice. Again, not exactly hard to fix.

ashleymae wrote:She pitied the girl greatly, for she had only been apart of a lord’s household for no more than six months.


I know it happens sometimes, but careful not to switch tenses :)

ashleymae wrote:Her father sat at the head of the table and her mother sat at his right and Katheryne sat at his left. Her uncle sat next to her and the two men sat next to her mother.
I'm not sure what the significance of the seating arrangment is, but perhaps try to incorporate at least parts of it into the story. For example:

The man who sat on the opposite end of the table said,

Because at this stage, it's too heavy and sort of distracting.


ashleymae wrote:Kylton Castle was always a beauty but it always reached its peak in the winter.


I thought the repetition of the word always ruined the flow.

As I said, I loved this.

There is a saying that goes something like this: Write what you like, because then you're making at least one person happy. To be honest, if you keep writing this, you'll be making two people happy :) Me being one of them! I honestly did really, really like it!
  








if ya mention chickens, i have to show up, that is the law.
— alliyah