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Young Writers Society


Shadows



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Points: 953
Reviews: 2
Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:30 pm
MonicaGeller says...



Sarah held the dress up and smiled at her daughter to encourage her.
“You are going to look like a princess tonight”, she said, “Feel this tissue. It is even more delicate than silk”.
Annabel looked at her sadly.
“I don’t want to be a princess”.
That was something no fourteen year old girl was expected to say, but for Annabel it was nothing but the truth.
Sarah sighted, left the dress on the bed, and went back to her daughter, holding her hands and smiling lovely now.
“Honey, I know this is hard for you. I wish you didn’t have to do this, being so young” She dried a tear before it fell on her right cheek and continued “but things changed after you father’s death. We are on our own now, and my health will not allow me be around for so long. I need to know you are in good hands after I’m gone to your father and I don’t know any better person than Prince Elijah.”
“You are saying that because he is a prince” Annabel looked away from Sarah’s eyes. The eyes that could make her do everything.
“Yes, because he is a prince” interrupted Sarah, just touching her daughter’s chin, delicate as always “because I know he will do everything for you and will give you everything you need or want.”
Annabel felt her heart beating fast as she fought the tears. She always had a hard time demonstrating weakness in front of people and her mother was not exception to that.
It was so unfair. They had been a happy family until the king arrived at the small town of Columbia Heights three years earlier trying to convince her father to join his court. They had been friends a long time ago and nothing could explain why the king suddenly remembered that. Obviously, Annabel’s father got suspicious, but there was no one capable of saying no to king Alfred.
So, Annabel came with her father, mother and little brother to the South and her father’s suspicion turned out to be right. One day they were awakened in the middle of the night for a messenger saying the king needed her father’s presence with urgency. But they never got to the castle alive. The bodies were found not far from the house, apparently normal, without bruises, wounds or anything that could kill someone.
And the, two years after that, when everything seemed to be back from normal, Sarah’s health became compromised and even the doctors couldn’t find what it was. Now she was only deteriorating and it was just a matter of time until her death.
“I just wish someone could tell me what is happening” said Annabel with a trembling voice “It seems like everything is changing and nothing makes sense.”
Sarah was beginning to talk but someone knocked the door. It was Marie, one of the slaves, the only one allowed to touch Ben, Annabel’s brother.
“Lady Sarah, the boy is crying your presence.”
Sarah looked at Annabel with a sad smile.
“The slaves will be here in few minutes to bathe you. I will come as soon as I can”.
Annabel kept staring at the closed door, once Sarah was out. Now that she could cry, it was the last thing on earth she wished to do. Maybe it was the mention of Ben’s name. Yes, her little brother would need her. She had to do this for him.
Annabel went to the mirror and looked at her image. Her ears were red, something that always happened when she was nervous. Other than that, she could understand why Prince Elijah fell in love with her. Her skin was white and soft, her eyes a different kind of blue, that made a beautiful contrast with her yellow hair.
But even Annabel herself could see the sadness crossing her face, shadowing her beauty.
There was a knock on the door and three slaves entered. It was time to bathe.
  





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Points: 953
Reviews: 2
Thu Nov 17, 2011 9:06 pm
MonicaGeller says...



I know it's too short and does not look like a real chapter. But I hope your comments can help me... Please, be harsh if you feel I need it.... But help me to make it better
  





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Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:02 pm
larnise says...



It is very good. There were a few typos, so look back over it. I loved it and can't wait for the next chapter.
Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.
-Elsa Maxwell
It is more important to have fun than be funny.
-Dr. Laurence Peter
I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
-Dr. Seuss
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 717
Reviews: 26
Thu Nov 17, 2011 11:24 pm
polkadottiger2 says...



The story is great, although I do have a few tips grammar wise.
"But for Annabel it was nothing but the truth"

There should be a comma after Annabe here, and that was about all I noticed. Keep writing!
  





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9 Reviews



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Points: 776
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Thu Nov 17, 2011 11:25 pm
DarthAJ says...



I enjoyed reading it, it's definitely on the short side though.

What was done well:

I loved the, "The eyes that could make her do everything" . Very nice, it says a lot about the mothers love for Annabel without saying it in your face.

The dialogue was pretty good, felt believable.

I love how Annabel described herself in the mirror towards the end.

What could be improved:

Every chapter from here on out should be longer, this served as a good introduction rather than a "Chapter 1".
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 984
Reviews: 2
Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:12 am
Guardian9 says...



I admit this a good piece of writing. I admit, it would fit more as a prologue rather than a chapter and there are a few typos within the story but overall its good!
Sincerely,
N.M.P McConnell
Writer of the Order of the Soilse Thuaidh
  








By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill