Young Writers Society

THUD THUD THUD.big job ahead of me thought the bony man in the trenchcoat as he sloshed across the muddy alley,his exfoliating leather boots clanked against the concrete,ugh i have got to to get some better boots the bloody things are ripping apart he thought but it isnt very orthodox stopping by a shoe store before a murder.where is she he muttered. wait-he leered malevolently- it was right in front of him 1392 garrison lane. He checked his holster to see if his revolver was still there.it was.he withdrew it from his holster and cocked it as silently as possible.rap-rap-rap the mysterious man pounded at the door with his bony raspy hands.the door creaked open,he tightened his grip on the revolver as lightning roared and...BANG! AAAAH! a woman,s voice yelled and the sound of body dropping to the ground echoed throughout the dark and stormy night.

Hey So, I want to begin by expressing that I think your plot concept is a good one - full of potential! Your writing style moves the story along fairly quickly, so if you intend this to be a full-length novel then you may want to consider fleshing it out a little, but that's just a thought. Overall, it's very good and you've certainly got me, as the reader, asking questions already, so it's definitely a strong start- who is he, who did he shoot, why, what will happen now? Very intruiging! I do want to mention the small matter of punctuation, which I notice is a bit inaccurate, but it's nothing that a quick spell-check can't solve in a blink. To close off, your work is very enjoyable, and aside from the afore mentioned ticks, you're a powerful and compelling writer- keep it coming, please!

Hey sockmonkey!

This was nice to read, and as has been previously said, it does have a good plot concept.
BUT, there is a couple things you need to watch in relation to grammar and all of that boring stuff.
I'll show you here: (by no means should you do it this way, it's just an example)

THUD THUD THUD.
Where is she? thought the bony man in the trenchcoat as he sloshed across the muddy alley,his exfoliating leather boots clanking against the concrete. Wait - it was right in front of him: 1392 Garrison Lane.
He checked his holster to see if his revolver was still there.
It was.
He withdrew it from his holster and cocked it as silently as possible.
Rap-rap-rap the mysterious man pounded at the door with his bony, raspy hands.
The door creaked open, he tightened his grip on the revolver and...BANG!
"AAAAH!" A woman's voice yelled and the sound of a head dropping to the ground echoed throughout the dark and stormy night.

exfoliation: I don't understand how it fits, but it's your work, not mine, so by all means, exfoliate away!

All in all, I liked it very much! Well Done!

NightWriter x

i will post a longer chapter on monday and to answer your question i put exfoliating there to say his boots were peeling off you will see why i put it there later in the story maybe one of the next few chapters...sockmonkey away

THUD THUD THUD.where is she thought the bony man in the trenchcoat as he sloshed across the muddy alley,his exfoliating leather boots clanked against the concrete,wait it was right in front of him 1392 garrison lane.he checked his holster to see if his revolver was still there.it was.he withdrew it from his holster and cocked it as silently as possible.rap-rap-rap the mysterious man pounded at the door with his bony raspy hands.the door creaked open,he tightened his grip on the revolver and...BANG! AAAAH! a woman,s voice yelled and the sound of ahead dropping to the ground echoed throughout the dark and stormy night.

ThisBookBelongsTo wrote:Hey So, I want to begin by expressing that I think your plot concept is a good one - full of potential! Your writing style moves the story along fairly quickly, so if you intend this to be a full-length novel then you may want to consider fleshing it out a little, but that's just a thought. Overall, it's very good and you've certainly got me, as the reader, asking questions already, so it's definitely a strong start- who is he, who did he shoot, why, what will happen now? Very intruiging! I do want to mention the small matter of punctuation, which I notice is a bit inaccurate, but it's nothing that a quick spell-check can't solve in a blink. To close off, your work is very enjoyable, and aside from the afore mentioned ticks, you're a powerful and compelling writer- keep it coming, please!

i try to fix what i can but the story is on a pre-typed draft,alsoi try to flesh things out however you are right when i read it it feels a little to fast but anyway thanks for the review

Hey there, Sockmonkey!
I'm here as requested. I hope you had a good Christmas/Hannukah/other celebration Allow me to jump straight in.

My first impression was that the grammar issues made it slightly difficult to read. However, others have already mentioned that so I won't go further.

My first critique is that straight away we were thrown into the story. I know this is often a common trick to hook the reader, (I often use it myself) but I felt we knew too little. What was going on? I felt like this really needed some thoughts of the narrator. What is he doing? Mysterious, suspenseful thoughts that give some hint to what's going on would help so much.

I've got a nitpick here:

the sound of ahead dropping to the ground echoed throughout the dark and stormy night.

Few things here. Ahead should be 'a head'.
Second, normally a gun can't slice off a head. If you beheaded someone with an axe then yes, but a gun would kill them and their body would drop to the ground.
Thirdly, a dark and stormy night would be pretty noisy, wouldn't it? All that rain falling.I don't think it would echo, but it definitely would in a house. Anyway, 'a dark and stormy night' is a cliché which is something that has been used over... and over... and over again which makes it sound horrible. 'As good as gold', 'hair like silk' or 'clouds like cotton wool' are all clichés. In speech it's alright and is quite realistic but when you're writing, it sounds boring. Why not describe the night in a different more unique way?

As for fleshing out, all it is is just expanding more. Tell us more on what happened. What does the body look like? Like that.But I think this would read more like a prologue rather than a first chapter.


But anyway, well done and keep writing. Feel free to ask me any questions you've got, I'll totally be glad to help you out!

Mac