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Young Writers Society


Then Came the Fall. Chapter 4



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Points: 981
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Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:55 pm
IsItLove says...



“Maria!” I heard my Grandmother call, I trawled down the stairs. “Wash the dishes and then take the bins out.” I was beginning to know how Cinderella felt. Honestly, sometimes I barely had time to do my homework.
I tactically started to work on my chores as I needed to get them done quickly; I had to get out of there.
I raced through them, failing to take my usual care. I slammed the door on the way out to make a statement of my exit. I decided to walk down to the funeral director; it looked like everything was down to me now.
As I entered the eeriness collapsed on top of me, the weight seemed to be sinking into my soul. The loss of my family suddenly had an almighty effect on my emotions. I felt the bitter sting of tears start to appear. 
I walked up to the desk; the receptionist took a curious glance at me, taking in my tender age. I was asked a long list of questions to do with ‘my lost ones’, until I was finally asked to take a seat while I waited for someone to help me arrange everything.
I waited for nearly half an hour, and then finally I was greeted by a kind young-ish man. He led me to a private room. As we sat down he opened some files, I stared quizzically at them; wondering what they could be.
“They are the details for the arrangements of the funeral.” He said as he interrupted my gaze.
“Oh, wait, are you saying they had already made plans, for all of us?” I questioned.
“Yes they are, your parent felt in an event like this they wouldn’t want to concern your Grandparents with this sort of issue.” That explained everything.
“Would you be able to talk me through what is going to happen, and the dates we would be able to hold the funeral?
“Yes, of course, that is precisely what I was about to do. Well you parents wanted the Church to be covered with Lilies…” He continued on for another hour about the preparations and what they wanted. But he was very kind and offered and support he could.
We arranged the date to be for the 2nd of May. He also showed me a list of the guests and asked me if there was anybody who I would like to add. There were only two people I felt were missing: my best friend, Beth and Mrs. Perchard- she has given me such support and I thought it would not only help me but her.
As I left, I saw a sign showing the way to the Mortuary, I felt a wave of grief, that’s where my family were. There in the Mortuary.
I walked out. Lost at what to do I headed towards the park. I walked along the river and finally sat upon a bench. I watched young family walk past, bickering. It reminded me too much of my own family. I felt numb but the pain started to slowly creep inside of me. They were gone and not coming back.
Last edited by IsItLove on Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:39 am, edited 3 times in total.
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 31
Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:51 pm
FadingBrighter says...



Just noticed a lot of grammatical errors that ruined the flow of the story. I suggest you go back through and reread what you wrote.
I was beginning to know how Cinderella feels
feels should be felt.
I tactically started to work on my chores as I needed to get them done quickly because I have to get out of here.
you change tense in here. have should be had, as should be because, and delete the because. This sentence is a run on. To keep it from being so add a semi colon after quickly and delete because.
I raced through them, failing to take my usual care.
this sentence is a repeat.
As I entered the eeriness collapsed on top of me, the weight seemed to be sinking into my soul. The loss of my family suddenly has an almighty effect on my emotions. I felt the bitter sting of tears start to appear.
Once again, you change tense repeatedly in this sentence. seemed should be seeming, has should be had
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 981
Reviews: 17
Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:39 am
IsItLove says...



Thank-you for your help.
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.
  








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