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Mr. Angel...[Chapter 5] ALIA



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Tue Aug 09, 2011 4:44 pm
ChocolateMoonLight says...



Spoiler! :
Hey! Guys,
Sorry to post a chapter this late but I to address some issues. I had really messed up the time time frame so I had to do some editing in the previous chapters and then I have added a new character-meet Michelle O'Connell, Alia's and Alex's bet friend and roommate. You'll also get to read about some of their history together in this chapter.
Anyway so link to the previous chapter as I have changed some dates to correct the time frame and added a small paragraph too- topic84709.html
So hope you all enjoy this and please do critique it and thank you all for helping me to make this a great story with your helpful suggestions. Thank You... :D


“We need to talk,” Alex started and I knew she was right, right because I knew something happened to me when I saw him that night, I did things I wouldn’t normally do because normally I wouldn’t go out with a stranger to dinner, I wouldn’t get drunk with him, heck! I wouldn’t even get drunk with the people I knew. That just wasn’t me.
‘You’re right we do, we do need to talk,” I sat on my bed and turned to face Alex who came and at beside me, took my hands and squeezed them gently.
“What happened to me Alex,” I whispered, staring ahead.
“Something happened to me when I saw him sitting there lost in thought, like he was searching, waiting for something or maybe someone,” I turned to her, confusion and disbelief coloring my voice while her face showed a sympathetic understanding.
“Tell me everything,” she whispered back and then I started.
“I was coming back from the University and as you know,” I turned towards her as I continued, “I was suspended till the spring break that starts on Monday, I met Mr. Morgan at the library and he gave me the suspension letter ‘cause Dean wasn’t here till that day and he needed his signature and well anyway I was angry and really hungry,” I gave her a dry laugh and Alex snorted.
“I was walking down 26th when I saw him just sitting there with sad eyes, I thought about talking to him, you know,” I turned towards her for concurrence and she smiled lightly as she mouthed me go on.
“Then I thought maybe I shouldn’t ‘cause after all, I didn’t really know him so I started walking towards Harpy’s and then just when I was going towards the turn on 26th I glanced at him and then he saw me and smiled,” I turned to Alex in amazement remembering his breathtaking smile, the smile that stopped my heart. I smiled lightheartedly as continued, “The way he smiled, it was like I had to meet him, I had to talk to him; I don’t it was just so, his green eyes so hypnotic, like he was calling, I can’t explain it but I just had to, you know.”
“I know,” Alex smiled at me as she replied.
“The same feelings enveloped me when I was talking to him on the phone right now,” I said as replayed the conversation in my head.
“We need a plan,” Alex declared to the room at large as though there was a twenty people secret meeting going on in my bedroom and those people were waiting for her very word to turn it into action.
‘What?!” I asked in bewilderment, giving my head a visible shake.
“Yes, we need a plan and the first step is we need breakfast, it’s almost ten.” A small smile was playing on her lips as I laughed watching her expression.
“Let’s go,” I pulled her by the arm, still laughing as we got up from my bed and went to living room slash kitchen area.
We had a great apartment; it was large with three bedrooms, a spacious living room with an attached kitchen. We even had our own bathrooms which was a plus point. We had fallen in love with this since the moment we’d seen it. Watching it now I could remember the day Mich’s father had shown us this place. We had just graduated from high school and were going start our University days the following year. It had seemed impossible but our parents had a surprise for us. It had been a bolt from the blue to know that the surprise was an apartment, no less than in Manhattan. We had been jumping up and down in the empty apartment, singing and laughing at the same time. We were the world’s happiest graduates that day. Mr. O’Connell had left us after that to let us enjoy our new home but we hadn’t left let him go until we’d all hugged him tight and thanked him with all our hearts and asked him pass it to all our parents.
We had ordered take-out that night from our favorite Chinese restaurant and ate it in our new apartment sitting on a battered old quilt we had found in one of the bedrooms. We had talked about high school; boys and everything a girl could talk about when she was with her girlfriends. It was like a slumber party leaving the fact that we to go Alex’s place (which an hour and half away) which was the closest ‘cause we didn’t anything to sleep on besides the shaggy quilt.
The smell of eggs and bacon brought me to the present. I smiled to myself remembering how we had made this apartment our home.
“What are you grinning about?” Alex asked, watching me with narrowed eyes.
“Nothing, just about this place, how we ended up here,” I replied watching her as a smile started playing on her lips.
“Yeah,” she sighed as he resumed to the task of frying bacon. The smell coming off the bacon and eggs was mesmerizing and suddenly I realized how hungry I was.
I took out two plates from the cupboard and placed them on the kitchen counter. Alex started to get the eggs on the plate, I watched the bacon another minute till they cooked. I slowly placed it on each plate and then sat stools in front of the counter. Alex brought a chilled water bottle from the refrigerator with the box of garlic flavored cheese and put them counter in front of us. We picked our forks and started eating our breakfast. We were silent while we slowly put chunks of hot bacon and eggs in our mouth. I assumed she would be planning the next step of “the plan” while my mind kept replaying the images of Danny in my mind. I could exactly picture his illuminated face when we were standing outside the café; his dark brown hair combed back to give him a sleek hairstyle, his light gray suit with the jacket open and that bright red tie. No one could forget that tie once they saw it. I could still picture him loosing and after a second thought removing that tie and placing it in his inside pocket when I commented about its brightness and laughed about it openly on his face; how his cheeks had flushed while he had tried showing some anger instead he had ended up laughing too. I chuckled quietly as put some cheese on my egg.
“What?” Alex asked as she turned towards me while putting chunk of bacon in her mouth.
“Nothing,” I lied as I resumed eating while Alex watched me skeptically. She put down her fork and her body towards me. I turned towards her in unison as I saw her serious expression. She searched my face for a while and I became nervous to what she may be seeing. I cleared my throat, leaving her eyes and looked at the floor as it was the most interesting thing in the world. She spoke so softly at first that I thought she wasn't aiming for me to hear, but then her voice got louder and I looked up.
“What were you thinking about?” she asked, looking straight into my eyes. I didn’t want to lie again because if I did she would know just like she did now and then she would say some things I didn’t want to hear about and this would turn to a serous discussion about something and I didn’t really want that, at least not now.
“About Danny,” I replied truthfully, bit my lip as I watched her serious expression turn into a bright eyed smile.
“That’s good and if you think about him so much there is definitely something we need to about it,” she laughed as she saw my cheeks turn crimson.

Continued...
Spoiler! :
Checkout the different shades of sunset...
topic84708.html


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Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:05 pm
IcyFlame says...



You have a good writing style but you need to be aware of run-on sentences. I have noticed a few in this piece and it makes it less appealing to read. Aside from a few minor typos your spelling and grammer were good and your characters seem to be developing well.
I would also like to mention how much I like your title. It's not completely original but it certainly caught my attention. Good choice!
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:58 pm
Lava says...



OMG! Chocolate! So sorry! I had typed out a review, and I don't know why I didn't post in. Eep. SO sorry.
Anyway, here's the gist of it.

So, I actually kinda liked this, becuase it put everything into perspective for me. It was a bunch of loose ends that I was trying to connect. So, in that sense, you get an A for this chapter. But, other than that, as I think I mentioned before, this didn't contribute to the plot, except for making it all clear to the reader. I want to know what was it that Danny told her over the phone. Why so mysterious?
There were a couple of gramamtical errors that I won't point out. Here's one though:
which was the closest ‘cause we didn’t have anything to sleep on besides the shaggy quilt.
Also, try not to use 'cause outside dialogue. It doesn't sound good in narration.
And as Icy said, there were a few Run ON sentences. This site oughta help you out!

And PM me for the next chapter. (And hopefully, you can PM me on a friday, so I won't forget to review it.)

Cheers!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Fri Sep 02, 2011 2:51 pm
Priceless says...



Hola!
“We need to talk,” Alex started and I knew she was right, right because I knew something happened to me when I saw him that night, I did things I wouldn’t normally do because normally I wouldn’t go out with a stranger to dinner, I wouldn’t get drunk with him, heck! I wouldn’t even get drunk with the people I knew. That just wasn’t me.


The sentence starting with 'Alex started' is way too long. Maybe you could change it to,
"We need to talk," Alex started. I knew she was right, right because I knew something happened to me when I saw him that night. I did things I wouldn't normally do because normally I wouldn't go out with a stranger to dinner. I wouldn't get drunk with him. Heck! I didn't even drink with the people I knew. That just wasn't me.

I don't know, something like that ^^.

“What happened to me Alex?” I whispered, staring ahead.
“Something happened to me when I saw him sitting there lost in thought, like he was searching, waiting for something or maybe someone,” I turned to her, confusion and disbelief coloring my voice while her face showed a sympathetic understanding.



If she's also saying "Something happened to me.." etc, then it shouldn't be in its own paragraph.

"What happened to me, Alex?" I whispered, staring ahead. "Something happened to me when I saw him sitting there, lost in thought, like he was searching, waiting for something or maybe someone."
I turned to her, confusion and disbeliefcoloring my face while hers showed a sympathetic understanding.


That should go. I think she's gotten over disbelief, and now she's just confused.

“I was suspended till the spring break that starts on Monday, I met Mr. Morgan at the library and he gave me the suspension letter ‘cause Dean wasn’t here till that day and he needed his signature and well anyway I was angry and really hungry,” I gave her a dry laugh and Alex snorted.


This was again rather a long sentence.

“I was walking down 26th when I saw him just sitting there with sad eyes, I thought about talking to him, you know,” I turned towards her for concurrence and she smiled lightly as she mouthed me go on.


I thought she already turned to her a while ago. Why does she keep turning to her? :P

“Then I thought maybe I shouldn’t ‘cause after all, I didn’t really know him so I started walking towards Harpy’s and then just when I was going towards the turn on 26th I glanced at him and then he saw me and smiled,” I turned to Alex in amazement remembering his breathtaking smile, the smile that stopped my heart. I smiled lightheartedly as continued, “The way he smiled, it was like I had to meet him, I had to talk to him; I don’t it was just so, his green eyes so hypnotic, like he was calling, I can’t explain it but I just had to, you know.”


Again, her line of dialogue is really long. Break it up. Also, she turned to Alex yet again. :P Also, what's 'I don't it was just so,'???

“I know,” Alex smiled at me as she replied.


This should be,

Alex smiled at me. "I know."


Looks better, right?
“The same feelings enveloped me when I was talking to him on the phone right now,” I said as I replayed the conversation in my head.



‘What?!” I asked in bewilderment, giving my head a visible shake.


How can she give her own head a visible shake?

We had a great apartment; it was large with three bedrooms, a spacious living room with an attached kitchen. We even had our own bathrooms which was a plus point. We had fallen in love with this since the moment we’d seen it. Watching it now I could remember the day Mich’s father had shown us this place. We had just graduated from high school and were going start our University days the following year. It had seemed impossible but our parents had a surprise for us. It had been a bolt from the blue to know that the surprise was an apartment, no less than in Manhattan. We had been jumping up and down in the empty apartment, singing and laughing at the same time. We were the world’s happiest graduates that day. Mr. O’Connell had left us after that to let us enjoy our new home but we hadn’t left let him go until we’d all hugged him tight and thanked him with all our hearts and asked him pass it to all our parents.
We had ordered take-out that night from our favorite Chinese restaurant and ate it in our new apartment sitting on a battered old quilt we had found in one of the bedrooms. We had talked about high school; boys and everything a girl could talk about when she was with her girlfriends. It was like a slumber party leaving the fact that we to go Alex’s place (which an hour and half away) which was the closest ‘cause we didn’t anything to sleep on besides the shaggy quilt.
The smell of eggs and bacon brought me to the present. I smiled to myself remembering how we had made this apartment our home.


I thought this, plus the breakfast thing, was too much description and slowed the story down. Especially the breakfast thing, you went into way too much detail there. You don't need to tell us exactly what they ate and how they prepared it.

She put down her fork and her body towards me.


Huh?

These guys do a lot of turning towards each other. o.O
I didn’t want to lie again because if I did she would know just like she did now and then she would say some things I didn’t want to hear about and this would turn to a serous serious discussion about something and I didn’t really want that, at least not now.


Long, run on sentence.

This whole part was a bit weird to me. First, you had her telling Alex all about how she feels for them, and then you have her acting weird and shy and not wanting Alex to know that she was thinking about him. I guess you're trying to show that she was just embarassed and didn't want Alex to tease her or something, but towards the end it came off like she was really trying to hide her feelings and was ashamed of them. Also, you're making it into a huge deal with the 'plan' and everything, I think you should tone it down, make it like just two normal girls acting around each other. Hope you get me?

The overall idea is AWESOME, this chapter just kind of, slowed it down, because it was like what really happened? I think if you edit it properly, you can show the main character's personality and stuff. :) Keep writing!
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  








Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus