Young Writers Society

Family Scare Day?


"Don't move." came a deadly sound from my father's driver side window.

Everyone's demeanor suddenly changed and we were all quiet.

"Give me all your money." demanded the voice.

I could see my father's face through his rear view mirror, he was terrified, and I felt my pulse rate accelerate.

Could this really be happening?

"I-I don't have much son."

"I'm not your son, just give me what you have now," this figure was so calm, but his voice was deadly.

"OK, OK." My father quickly dug for his wallet in his back pocket.

While he was doing that I took a good look at this stranger, he was a fairly tall man, about six-two. His shoulders were broad and he seemed extremely fit, fit enough to crush my dad's skull. Yet I noticed he had no weapon, He just stood by my father's window calmly, not even flinching.

And a black bandana was covering half of his face.

"H-Here, this is all I have." said my father in a shaky voice, I noticed his hands were trembling as he passed the man the two one-hundred dollar bills.

"You have got to be kidding."

"Are you sure this is all you have?"

"Y-Yes that's it, please, please don't hurt my family."

And it was after my dad said that, that the man took a look inside, and stared at everyone.

But when his gaze landed on me, it stayed there.And I felt my breathe hitch, staring at me were dark eyes, as black as the night was, and they looked murderous.

And then he looked away,

Finally speaking he said, "I'm taking her."

Holy Crap.

"No, please, don't." said my father begging.

"You can't!" said my mother.

And that's when he pulled his gun out.

"Listen, I will not hesitate to shoot You and your whole family. Give me the girl now."

"No, Please, just-just take me, Please!"

And he cocked his gun, pointed it at my father and when I saw him place his index finger on the trigger, I snapped.

"Wait! I-I'll go." I don't know where I got the nerve, but I couldn't risk my family getting hurt.

"Hurry up!" The man hissed.

I didn't make to move.

I was paralyzed.

Then I forced myself up and out of our mini van.

When I got to the door I turned to my brother and sister's, my little brother just eight was crying and my two eleven year old twin sisters were as well.

"It's going to be OK guys." I whispered.

"If you follow us, I will kill her." were his last words to my family.

He quickly grabbed my arm, with great force, and pulled me in a direction.

And I turned to get one last look at my family, and I wish I hadn't.

All I saw was fear.

The man shoved me in the backseat of a car and went in after.

And the man in the driver's seat high-tailed it out of the parking lot.

"Put this on." came that deathly voice, and he handed me a blindfold.

I obeyed.

"What's with the girl," came the voice in the front.

And the man beside me replied,

"Never go back empty handed."

And that's when I passed out.

Love it so far. Hope you continue with it. I'm interested to know how you've planned this out. I like some adventure and mystery hehe.

Just a few things I caught, or thought of as I went through:
Watch for punctuation and grammar. I don't know if they were things that you just missed as you proofread, or other reasons.
Also, perhaps when describing an action, try to think about a reader's visual compared to the words you're trying to use to convey the image in your own head. Try to see all aspects of that, as in, would the reader take it differently and how could you narrow it down to only have them see it your way.

Can't wait for more! The story's interesting.

Well the concept of the story is pretty good but i have few quires the begging ,the ice cream part and the movie part are just not mixed with the story, they should come with a flow.. I came to know the the protagonist is a girl when she said i am ready to go with the kidnapper. Just add a little bit..

In the beginning I got confused who is speaking what use verbs and adjectives to describe actions. use thesaurus in MS Word if you want a couple of good adjectives that will be more informative than anything..Also introduction the characters mom dad brother, the twin sisters that's a very health point say they are identical, think same etc.. Add a little to the mugging scene of car.. how the protagonist fear.. parents, sister, brother etc

Don feel bad we all commit mistakes but the point point is to improve, other then the the plot is pretty good...

Keep up!
Good Luck..!

Hey fruity here!

Okay, already from the beginning I'm hooked. I can tell from the immediate danger that this is going to be a great story, and I absolutely cannot wait to read more. There are just a few things (sorry I'm OCD) that kind of bother me, and then a few that I think you could improve on to make the story better.

"H-Here, this is all I have." said my father in a shaky voice, I noticed his hands were trembling as he passed the man the two one-hundred dollar bills.

"You have got to be kidding."

"Are you sure this is all you have?"

Okay so this part confused me. The first line of dialogue is the father, and the last is the gunman, but who is the line in the middle. It would make more sense for it to be the gunman than the father, but the formating makes it confusing. Try,

"H-Here, this is all I have." said my father in a shaky voice, I noticed his hands were trembling as he passed the man the two one-hundred dollar bills.

"You have got to be kidding," scoffed the gunman, rolling his eyes, "are you sure this is all you have?"

Or something to that effect.
Another thing, I really liked your imagery when you described the gunman here,

While he was doing that I took a good look at this stranger, he was a fairly tall man, about six-two. His shoulders were broad and he seemed extremely fit, fit enough to crush my dad's skull. Yet I noticed he had no weapon, He just stood by my father's window calmly, not even flinching.

And a black bandana was covering half of his face.

The only thing was that I think you should eliminate the space between the two paragraphs. Seeing as how it was relevant, it should not have been seperated. The LAST thing I promise: work on your dialogue. "He said, she said, I thought." It gets the point across, but it kind of makes it bland. Try words like exclaimed and scoffed, etc to liven it up. Other than that stuff this was great and I absolutely loved it! Please write more!

Love, fruity!

HOLY CRAP. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I personally love things about kidnapping and stuff (I'm not a creeper or anything, I just find it all interesting) and I think this was AMAZING. After I finish this, I'm off to read the next chapters. This was so good, I felt like I was reading a published book. I have ABSOLOUTLY NOTHING bad to say. Good work.