Young Writers Society

It must have been a bad dream. I cautiously opened my eyes. Reality struck with a lightning force. I took a deep breath, and absorbed the surroundings. I heard a gentle voice speaking my name.
“Maria?” the motherly voice of the police officer echoed throughout my head. I slowly turned my head, each movement bringing me a fraction closer to the truth.
“Maria, are you ok?” the question filtered into my brain, I thought for a second.
“I think so.” I answered as gradually stood up. The room lightly spinning, but that was the least of my worries.
“Maria, do you understand, sweetheart? Your parents, they died in the crash.” the kindness, sorrow, and empathy tangled in to her speech added, ironically, an element of safety. The room spun for what felt like hours, until I eventually fell, gracefully on the conveniently positioned sofa. But the spinning didn't stop, all I could see were flashes of colour: green, blue, red. Dead. No, it couldn't be. Faith, her life had just begun, not dead. My mum, dead. My dad, dead. My Brother, dead. Faith, my darling sister, 9 weeks is too young to die. Suddenly anger rose inside of me, filling every cell in my body. "DEAD" I screamed as the reality hit me. Hard.
I felt the warm presence of the compassionate woman as she sat beside me, as she offered her company. She would never know how grateful I was for that.
I began, at first slowly, to weep. The tears overfilled my eyes, and streamed down my face. I felt a tissue pressed into my hand. I dabbed at the tears, cursing the emotion. I don’t know how long I was there for. But I was never going to stay there forever.

This was good, there's just a couple of things that I would like to point out. First, let the police oficcer ease into the information that her family has just died. And maybe make it a bit longer. It was just a little too short for me. Other than that, it was good

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

Yeah I personally thought what the policeman said was a tad bit unrealistic, but I loved your use of dialogue. I am also a big fan of your style. You have such a unique way of detailing to the reader whatever is going on, which is usually very difficult to pull off. Like the above reviewer suggested, make it longer! It would make a great novel. I see this being developed into a more complex novel. At the moment, I feel it could go Sin City or Pulp Fiction or even Naked Lunch. It has that non-linear feel about it which I love. Do you read Henry Rollins? If you don't I suggest you do. This is very much like him: honest, heartful and dark. Kudos.

Thank-you both. I tried to make her ease into to it a little more but I couldn't really think how to, so I made it so that the police officer had already told her and she was making sure she understood. Do you have any suggestion of how to ease the news more?
I have also tried befor to make it a bit longer but I just ended up waffling. I am a keen waffler, just ask my English teacher!
I decided to leave it there and to just post the second chapter tomorrow, so keep an eye out. Thanks for commenting! Xxx

Your story is very short and sweet, but you kind of flash through it, without giving the reader a chance tho really settle in and get absorbed. When Maria was told that her family was dead, I didn't fell a thing, and that bothered me. Your writing just did not echo the sadness of that comment. Also, Maria just does not seem in as much shock as you make her out to be. Her thoughts are clear and coherent rather than muddled and sad. Something like 'Dead.Dead. Was she Mad? No, no. i saw the flashing lights. The red, the aqua blue, like the sea. Calm waters. Why couldn't i calm down, I wish I could be like the sea, flowing in and out, and in again. Dead. No, no. But she was right. i remembered. Dead.' Do you see the impact this has? And dont forget the description! Even in a short story like this one, you should have a sprinkle of description here and there, to make the reader feel as if they are part of the Character. Keep writing! Your idea was good!

I made some changges and hope it's better.

I feel so much sympathy for Maria. The way you have explained the sorrow she feels and the way she tries so hard to convince herself that it isn't true. And not only do you feel deeply for Maria, but also for your family to die so suddenly, and her sister to die so young! Writing this chapter in 1st person has really been able to help the readers such as myself get Maria's exact thoughts and emotions. As well as that spelling, punctuation and usage of words are all outstanding. Each paragraph gives great and necessary detail and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Hello IsItLove. I love the way Maria is so confused on what's happening in the beginning. It makes the readers wonder what happened as well. I also have to agree with the other reviews that talk about the police officer. It shouldn't be so rushed. Have the police officer take some time to explain to Maria what has happened to her family. Maybe have the police officer be a little more sympathetic?

This is still one of my favorite pieces of writing on this site. Keep up the excellent work!

Hello, IsItLove.

Just some things I noticed.

“Do you understand what has happened Maria, sweetheart, your parents, well, your family was killed in car crash.” the kindness, sorrow, and empathy tangled in to her speech added, ironically, an element of safety.
You've used four adjectives to describe one line of speech, which I think should be more than one sentence.

This bit especially needs nothing drawing attention away from it. The adjectives clutter and draw away our attention.

To make it snap better,

"Maria, do you understand, sweetheart? Your parents, they died in the crash."

The room spun for what felt like hours, until I eventually fell, gracefully on the conveniently positioned sofa. But the spinning didn't stop, all I could see were flashes of colour: green, blue, red. Dead. No, it couldn't be. Faith, her life had just begun, not dead. My mum, dead. My dad, dead. My Brother, dead. Faith, my darling sister, 9 weeks is too young to die. Suddenly anger rose inside of me, filling every cell in my body. "DEAD" I screamed as the reality hit me. Hard.

I think this reaction is too long. Although it takes time for reality to set in, you don't need to make us wait around.

The room spun and I hit the sofa. Dead? They couldn't be. My baby brother, nine weeks old, he couldn't be dead. No.
Anger filled my chest with a rising heat. "Dead," I screamed.

That sound a bit better?

When you have high tension scenes like this, you need to write with the tension. Tension is quick and sharp. So too must be your sentences and the scene's length. You can still write long sentences, like the fourth one in my little rewrite, but don't don't all of them this way. Short clipped sentences should be used sparingly also, but when the tension is this high, and realization is setting in, they do their work.

Anyway, I liked this. I feel like its leading to something great.
And I hope my suggestions help.