Young Writers Society

First kiss
Now crossed off that list. Was it voluntary? Not so much, but deep down inside I didn't mind one bit.

First Love
I hate to admit that it was crossed off the list as well.I believe I truly do love him, but a part of me is afraid. I would never admit that, not yet at least.
In all truth I am afraid to let this love show.

What if one day he left me.

I'm sure we all have that fear, the fear that someone you love can just be gone the next day.I have never felt like this for anyone before, friendship on fire. That's one way to describe it.My first love, and you know what they say you never forget your first.

First Heartbreak

Was that about to get crossed off?There he stood pouring his heart out to me on our front lawn, and how did I react. I did what any normal lovesick puppy would do. I turned the sprinklers on him, I'm quite the charmer.

And now as I stand here in front of him I can't bring myself to say what I should.A part of me wants to kiss him like crazy but another part knows that maybe I don't deserve him, I don't deserve anyone.

I never expected that I would be in a situation such as this one.

So it comes down to this should I say yes or no?





Oh, What Not A Gentleman

"Fayne get up now!"

Great, the lovely voice of my mother, jeeze who needs an alarm clock?

Today is Saturday, why the hell am I waking up at eight a.m.? Because my mother is cooking a dinner for the neighbor's, since their son is returning.I went to summer camp for two months, I didn't get a fancy dinner, only thing I received was my mother telling me I finally looked presentable.I went to fat camp by the way I lost a lot of weight , but that's a story for another time.

So eight a.m for a dinner? Yeah I wonder if my mother is sane.

As I descended from the stairs in my Spongebob pajamas, I see my parents running around like headless chickens..

There is only three people coming so why are they fixing the place up so much? Beats me. All this just because their son is coming? What did he find the cure for cancer?

So he's returning, bring out the trumpets, ignoring them I went straight to the couch and decided to watch some television to kill time.



It's seven-thirty p.m now, and he's to arrive at eight p.m , Joy

My mom made me wear a stupid summer dress she got me two summers ago! Wouldn't have worn it had it not been for the fat camp, moving on.

"Fayne quit slouching and put a smile on that face , I expect you to be on your best behavior,"My mother tells me.

Yeah sure mom , I ask myself when is she gonna stop caring what others think of her?

I recently turned nineteen and my mother still treats me like a piece of furniture, dressing me up so much, because she is scared as to what everyone will think of her , her family and so on.

"Oh Fayne you look absolutely gorgeous, I can't wait for you to meet James, I hope the two of you to be great friends."

"Why thank you Mrs. Alden and I hope us to be friends as well." I say with my cheekiest grin.

Yeah sure Mrs. Alden it's your stupid sons fault I'm wearing this stupid dress at this stupid dinner, I hope we start sharing beauty secrets as soon as possible. I thought sarcastically.

Just when the clock struck eight, I see lights from outside, talk about punctual.

"Straighten up Fayne and smile I want you to be nice to this boy," my mother commands in her Hitler voice, you see in my house it's a dictatorship and my mother is Hitler.

"Yes mother," I respond flatly.

I hear whispers from behind the door and I feel the nerves begin to surface, for some reason my heart began to beat harsher.The door opens and in walks Mr. Alden, and that's when I saw him.

Him, James, their son, the reason I was forced to wear a ridiculous dress! He was the biggest looking nerd ever.

Not that I have anything against nerds, I'm all down for the nerd herd.

He stepped in and I took this opportunity to look him over, as he was wearing a blue Polo shirt and some dark wash jeans with some biker boots on. He had an interesting style, he looked to be over six feet tall, now at first glance he looked lanky, but as he got closer, I could see some biceps start peeking out from under his shirt.

Really the only thing that made him nerd looking, were the thick glasses on his face.

"Ah you must be James! I'm Mrs. Winters so nice to meet you," my mother cheered.

"Hello Mrs. Winters, yes that would be me, it's a pleasure to meet you," he says while taking her hand and kissing it lightly.

OK that totally sounded to proper, and the kiss just weirded me out

"Such a gentlemen, what a handsome young man you are." Yeah such a gentlemen,Not.

"Oh and this is my daughter Fayne." I cringe a little at the mention of my full name.

"Please call me Fay." I quickly add as I reach my hand.

He takes my hand , Please don't kiss it!

"Fay it is," he says, while indeed kissing my hand gently. In that moment he looked up from kissing my hand and eyes met, behind those mildly thick glasses were striking hazel eyes.

He wasn't all that bad looking, he's kind of cute in his own way. And he has muscles which is not a bad thing whatsoever

No! Bad Fay don't think like that.

I snap out of my reverie and say,

"Yeah, thanks." I respond shortly.

We sat ourselves at the dinner table my mother made her famous lasagna. I inwardly snorted, what would the neighbor's think if they knew she got it from the market?

So the adults were chatting away, and I was minding my own business when Boom, I feel a stinging pain in my lower ankle, I started to groan.

Everyone turned to look at me and I say the first thing that came to my mind.

"Oh, um bad cramps."

Shoot me

I mentally slapped myself, even though my face didn't show it I was beyond embarrassed.

What a stupid thing to say

My mother gave me her shut up your embarrassing me' look. But I figured not as embarrassed as me, while my father ignored me and so did Mr. Alden.Leaving Mrs. Alden whom just cleared her throat and looked away quickly..

I sat there for a few moments, and I finally looked to my left at the culprit who had kicked me quite harshly in my lower ankle.

"Yes," I asked as politely as I could manage.

James was so beet red! Embarrassment was clear as water on his face.

"I'm-I'm sorry! I-I uh didn't mean to kick you so roughly um, I just wanted to get your attention." He explained while stuttering a couple of times.

He looks kind of cute when he was nervous like that, and with a face like that I couldn't really stay mad at him.

"It's OK, just don't, uh, kick me. You could have tapped my shoulder or threw a piece of bread at me. You know, instead of making me look like an idiot." I responded curtly. I glared a little, when my mother's words kept ringing in my head I want you to be on your best behavior

He remained quiet for a few seconds then abruptly just looked away.

"So what did you want?" I said. I must have startled him since he jumped a little bit.

"Oh, um I just wanted to talk, it's rude to ignore people." He said nonchalantly. Hold the phone! Ignoring him?

"I wasn't ignoring you, I'm sorry if that's what you thought," I said confused.

"Please spare me, I know what you think of me , why even bother talking to this nerd , I'm probably into star wars and what not, but you know I'm a person just in case you forgot, and by the way I hate star wars."

After laying that on me he excused himself from dinner to supposedly go finish unpacking. I just sat there dumbstruck , what a jerk

Where does he get off telling me what I think? He doesn't know me.

I would be his friend, but I first he kicks me , then makes me look stupid in front of everyone, then he goes off telling me I'm judgmental ,not his exact words but I read between the lines .

And he had the gall to say he hates star wars, that there is a crime. You don't have to be a nerd to like Star Wars.

He has serious issues.

Author Note: OK, this is rough, I started this last year and since then I think it's improved a smidgen. I'm almost finished with this story currently on chapter 24. Once I finish I will be going through a BIG editing process, maybe re-write but who knows. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned this story get's pretty interesting

Hey hey!

So this was really good. I feel like it was a pretty good length for the chapter, and I think you've already established your characters as well. I think the foreshadowing at the beginning also helped to hook the reader as well. There weren;t really many mistakes with this. It was interesting, had good format, used good grammar, etc you know all those things I usually point out but this was very well constructed. One of the only things I caught was here:

"Please spare me, I know what you think of me , why even bother talking to this nerd , I'm probably into star wars and what not, but you know I'm a person just in case you forgot, and by the way I hate star wars."

and here

And he had the gall to say he hates star wars, that there is a crime.

you didn't capitalize Star Wars. Then there were a few spots where you didn't space and didn't add punctuation, which I realize was probably a typo I just thought I'd let you know haha. Anyways, this was really good and I am interested in reading more. It seems like it will turn out to be one of those stories that makes you go "aaaaww!" Keep on writing!

Love, fruity! <3

Hey, Step! Pink here, I'll be reviewing this for you today. ^^

Prologue
Honestly, I didn't really see a point to the prologue. It was just stating things that I'm sure we'd find out during the novel and that's not exactly what a prologue does. Look up the definition and usually with romantic novels you don't need any sort of prologue unless it's just that 'deep' or complicated that it won't make sense without one. I'd try to stay away from prologues though.

Although you have an interesting format to your prologue it kind of lacks that grab that makes me want to read more about her love and obstacles. We already know she's going to fall in love and that there's going to be some sort of problem in which will hinder some sort of decision on her part so it's pointless to say it again - and in the beginning too.

I used to write romantic fiction so I know thing or two about it and the worst thing about romantic fiction is the fact that love is cliche and that finding something refreshing and different is almost impossible! I struggled with that myself. With that said, try to stay away from saying cheesy cliche things in your writing like saying yes or no to a boy you love or being undeserving and what not.

Nitpicks & Comments

since their son is returning.I went to summer camp for two months, I didn't get a fancy dinner, only thing I received was my mother telling me I finally looked presentable.

I think you have some extra commas in this sentence and you should put a space after your period marks for a cleaner presentation and I'm pretty sure that's how they do it when typing - putting a space after the period and then continuing on to the next sentence. ^^ Also, haha - fat camp. Now that's a little different. Most people keep their character skinny, pale, pretty but modest and plain but I like how you made her and ex-fatty. Adds to some character, good job.

As I descended from the stairs in my Spongebob pajamas, I see my parents running around like headless chickens..

I think you have some tense problems here. You said descended and then skip to present tense with 'I see'.
Your narration is a bit jagged and too sharp, short and cramped - lost for other comprehensible words. Anyway, perhaps you can make it flow a little bit more and instead of just stating things, show us things. "I see my parents running around like headless chickens" -> "As I descended the stairs I caught two headless chickens running around that looked like my parents."
I don't know, just something to spice it up. "I see" is just boring. Although, your description there was entertaining. ^^

There is only three people coming so why are they fixing the place up so much? Beats me. All this just because their son is coming? What did he find the cure for cancer?

I know that your character is more on the sarcastic side and there is probably a really good reason for her to be this sarcastic and annoyed but I think you might be overdoing her 'don't care and everything is stupid' attitude.

So he's returning, bring out the trumpets, ignoring them I went straight to the couch and decided to watch some television to kill time.

We should put a period after trumpets and start a new sentence with ignore. Those two are separate actions. One is a thought and the other is an action so you should either put them as separate sentences or add some sort of transition inbetween them.

"Fayne quit slouching and put a smile on that face , I expect you to be on your best behavior,"My mother tells me.

Again, space after the quotation mark and you don't have to capitalize the 'my'.

He was the biggest looking nerd ever.

Ahaha! God, I was so scared I was going to get another glimpse/ rip off of Edward Cullen! xD
Thank you for turning that on me! :D

"Ah you must be James! I'm Mrs. Winters so nice to meet you," my mother cheered.

This isn't something you can actually 'cheer'. At least I don't think so. :c

Hello Mrs. Winters, yes that would be me, it's a pleasure to meet you," he says while taking her hand and kissing it lightly.

I don't like him anymore. Proper? Hand kisses? This is headed down a dark and cliched road...please turn back now! D:

I snap out of my reverie and say,

"Yeah, thanks." I respond shortly.

Oddly placed...

Overall

Wow, first of all you got to chapter 24 on this? That's nuts and congrats, that's farther and what I got up to. ^^
Now, although this review might be a little on the negative side that doesn't mean this is bad or anything, yes I understand it's a rough draft and that's TOTALLY fine and you can always go back and revise/edit anything you need to. :D However, I think you should finish what you have before you even dare to make any revisions. Take it from someone who's been down that road, you don't want to edit and write at the same time. Worst mistake ever! :D

Okay, now back to your story. It's not that bad although I am getting bits and pieces of 'warning cliche' vibes from it. Nerdy guy was a great start but then he got all ... pretty and made me feel bad because I was really wishing he was that ugly duckling who'd become more attractive with his personality rather than his striking hazel eyes!

Your protagonist too had a great start but then her overly sensitive and awkwardly sarcastic views got in the way and sort of over did her character to a point where I thought she might be get really annoying if she continued to think the was she was thinking.

For the whole grammatical view on your writing you do need some work. I'm guessing this is older writing so I'm sure you've improved drastically since you've written the last chapter of this so I'm not too worried but be sure you know where to place you commas and where to start and end sentences correctly. Sometimes these little grammar rules can be a bit tricky but it shouldn't be too hard after a little brush up lesson.

As far as the first chapter goes, it moves by pretty fast and we don't get much of deep look at your character. Also your descriptions were too fast and didn't melt into your piece and your writing was missing some fluidity. That said, you'll have to make sure everything flows smoothly as you write. Try reading it out loud or have a friend read it and ask if it flows nicely. It's not something I can actually tip you about, it's just something that has to be learned by one self. Kind of hard to explain. :/

Anyway, it's a good start and it's amazing you've gotten so far along your novel! Great job!
Now, if you have any other questions feel free to send me a PM or even scribble on my wall, I'll be happy to answer any other questions you might have for me. ^^

Good luck with the rest of this novel!

-Shear