Young Writers Society

Chapter 2

"Wait, so Alicia is living with you now Ms?" asked Rilan.
"How is that possible?" Asked Chloe.
"Well it is possible, I mean, in a few ways." said Markus.
"Everyone, calm down! Yes, Alicia is living with me, because I fostered her. There is no need to make a huge fuss about it." Adriana said
"But it's so cool!" said Abigail.
"Yeah Ms., you're like the best teacher in the whole school, I know I would call the cops on my parents any day if I knew I was going to end up being fostered by you!" said Nicole
"Kiss up!" exclaimed Daniel and Dylan in unison.
"Oh like you weren't thinking the same thing," she retorted
"Guys, calm down!" Adriana tried to calm the class down, and failed, she looked at Alicia who nodded back at her.
"Guys! Shut up!" Alicia shouted over everyone else's noise "Calm down, It's not a big deal."
"Thank you Ally, now can we get back to the lesson all of you? we have a lot to do and we've wasted enough time!" Adriana said and they went on with the lesson.
In the next few days that followed Alicia's popularity increased. While most welcomed her as a friend, some got jealous of her, though only two people were envious to act on it.
One day, when they were in Adriana's car on their way home, they were talking about that day.
"Was lunch ok?" Adriana asked.
"Yeah, though, did you put anything different in my sandwich today?" Alicia asked.
"Nothing more than the usual, tomatoes, lettuce, a bit of mayo, why?" Adriana said, concerned.
"I don't know, it tasted kind of different today, it's probably nothing though" Alicia said reassuringly.
But the next day while they were getting ready to go to school, Alicia got really sick and started throwing up. Adriana was really worried about her, she stayed home with her that day.
"Probably nothing?" Adriana repeated in a sarcastic tone, knowing it would cheer Alicia up a bit, even if they were sitting next to a toilet, Adriana holding Alicia's hair back.
"Never listen to me again, deal?" Alicia said, jokingly
"Deal!" Adriana replied with a smile, glad to see Alicia still kept her sense of humour in the hardest situations. But what happened later that day was no laughing matter, Alicia got extremely dehydrated and passed out, Adriana panicked, called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. Alicia was unconscious for a good two hours and when she finally came to, Adriana was right by her side.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Adriana asked as Alicia woke up slowly, her eyes adjusting to the light.
"Well, last thing I know we were in our bathroom at home, and now I'm in a hospital, so, not so great." she said, attempting to ease the situation a little.
Adriana smiled at her, at that moment the doctor walked in.
"Ah, you're awake, how are you?" he asked.
"Still alive, that must be a good sign right?" Alicia said, laughing.
"Yeah, and you're lucky to, with what you had in your system, you could have easily died." the doctor said.
"What?" Adriana said, worried.
"Yeah, apparently you ingested some sort of acid, your immune system must be rock solid if it fought against that and won!" he said
"Did you figure out what kind of acid it was?" asked Adriana
"Well, the way it was affecting her, we believe it was concentrated citric acid, but we're going to run a few more tests just to be sure." the doctor said
"How did concentrated citric acid get in my system?" Alicia asked, bewildered.
"Well, do you know if anyone touched any food you ate before you ate it?" he asked.
"Not that I know of." she replied.
"Well, do you often leave your bag at school unattended? Someone could have touched it there." the doctor said, trying to give her an answer. “Well, I don’t carry it with me everywhere,” she said. “I have classes all over the school, but usually I keep it in my locker, so it was locked up safe and sound, or so I thought anyway.” Just then, Daryl walked in “What happened?” he asked. So they explained everything to him, after asking a few other questions he said "I think we need to report this to the police." "Isn't that going a bit over board Daryl? I mean I'm fine so-" Alicia began but Daryl cut her off and said "Someone tried to kill you and they failed, it's still a crime. Attempted murder." "He does have a point, I mean what if they strike again?" Adriana agreed. So they all agreed to start an investigation, Daryl called the police and reported it and an officer came to ask Alicia a few questions.
"Did you notice anything out of the ordinary with your food?" the officer asked.
"Only that my sandwich tasted different." Alicia said
"Did you make your sandwich that morning or does someone else make it for you?" he asked.
"I made it for her just like I usually do" Adriana said.
"I see" the officer said, giving Adriana a suspicious look, which Alicia saw
"Officer, if you think that Adriana would do something like this to me, then I have to break it to you. You've probably never been this mistaken in your entire life!" Alicia said matter-of-factly. "I know Adriana, she couldn't hurt a fly. I know because last time a fly was bothering her I was the one who had to kill it."
"Do you have any enemies at school?" The officer asked, feeling a little put to shame about what he was just told
"Well, a few, I got really popular recently and there are a few who didn't welcome the change." Alicia said.
"Do you know of any of them who would go this far?" The officer asked, feeling that they got a step closer now.
"Not sure, you think one of them could have done this to me?" Alicia asked.
"Envy is always a big part of a case like this. Probably, yes." the officer answered "Do you still have the paper bag that you put your lunch in?"
Alicia thought for a second then replied "Yes, it's in my school bag, but it's back home."
"No problem, I'll go get it." Adriana said, picking up her jacket and her keys. "I need to get a few things from there anyway. Daryl, do you mind staying with her until I get back?"
"Not at all, no problem." Daryl said.

So the investigation went on, the fingerprints were taken off of the paper bag and matched with two girls from school. Alicia had to stay in the hospital for a week after they found out who did it, but that didn't stop Adriana from confronting them.

"See you later class, Becka, Heather, can I have a word?" Adriana asked as the students were leaving the class.
"Sure, Ms." Becka said.
"Whats up? How's Alicia?" Heather asked, non-chalantly
"Well, after you two poisoned her, pretty good actually, she's getting better" Adriana said, fury hidden in her voice.
"What?" Becka said
"We didn't do anything to her." Heather said matter-of-factly.
"Then why were your fingerprints on the paper bag she used for lunch the day she was poisoned?" Adriana asked, knowing full well that they didn't have an answer, and they didn't.
They both looked at eachother, knowing they were caught. "You two could have killed her, you know that right?"
"We didn't mean for it to get so serious." Becka said.
"You don't put concentrated citric acid in someones food as a joke Becka! You both have chemistry, you should know that!" Adriana said, trying to keep herself calm.
"Alicia should have known her place, she's not meant to be a popular, she's meant to stay a loser like she always was!" Heather said arrogantly
"Heather, just because you don't like the fact that she's popular does not justify the fact that you tried to kill her!" Adriana said, her rage about to burst out. "We reported it to the police, the principal knows too. Don't try to get out of this, just pray that both your futures aren't ruined because of this, it's lucky you're both still under age, the worst thing you can get is juvi until you're 18."
"What?" Becka said "but that will mean that we won't be able to graduate!"
"Should have thought of that before you let your jealousy get out of hand!" Adriana replied.
"Heather, I told you it was a bad idea!" Becka yelled at her friend.
"Hey, you could have backed out any time you wanted!" Heather yelled back.
"You said if I did you would ruin my reputation in this school, what was I supposed to do?" Becka shouted again.
"Both of you knock it off, you're both in the wrong here, now get to class!" Adriana shouted at both of them, she was furious, why would someone want to hurt Alicia? She started shaking, she never felt so mad before, she never shouted at anyone like that in her entire life.

After school that day she headed straight for the hospital, it was the first time she left Alicia alone since she fostered her, and being completely honest with herself, she was worried about her. She arrived at the hospital and walked into the ward, took a deep breath to calm herself down after what happened that day, and walked into the room Alicia was in.
“Hey Ally.” she said with a smile.
“Hey Adriana, how was your day?” Alicia asked while Adriana hugged her tightly, holding her there for a minute or two. “Is everything ok?”
Taking a deep breath, she answered “yeah, just a tough day that’s all.”
“What happened?” Alicia asked, concerned, Adriana was still shaking a little and she noticed.
“I spoke to Becka and Heather.” Adriana said.
"What?" Alicia said, shocked.
"I couldn't stand them thinking they got away with it!" Adriana said.
"What did they say?" Alicia asked.
"Well, at first they denied it completely, but then Becka admitted it and Heather said that you should have stayed in your place." Adriana explained. "I got so mad, I started shaking afterwards."
"You still are, calm down" Alicia said, smiling at her and squeezing her hand reassuringly.
"You're right, it's just that, I can't stand the fact that someone would want to hurt you, I find it illogical." Adriana said, squeezing Alicia's hand back.
"It's okay, I'm fine now, you don't have to worry." Alicia said, still smiling.
“Aren’t I supposed to be making you feel better?” Adriana asked sarcastically, smiling back at her. Alicia didn’t say anything, she just smiled at Adriana, she was glad to have her as her foster mother, not just because it means she got away from people who only wanted to make her life hell. But because it means she gets to have someone that actually cares about her, and that she has someone to turn to if she needs it. She wouldn’t let anything hurt Adriana, she promised herself that.

Hi Destiny, I'm back!

First, did you know that citric acid is made with the aid of fungi? I did. 'Tis one of the many "interesting" things you learn in college. But I digress

My oh my, Becka and Heather take their popularity seriously if they went so far as to poison her. Adriana must really be the most popular teacher in school. *wonder*

Anyway, firstes thingzes first, don't forget to space your paragraph. Rumor is, if you click 'Story' in the Formatting bar when you go to post, it'll space 'em for you. Never works for me, so you probably just want to copy and paste it. It's a pain, I know, but it just makes things read so much more easily. Which is helpful when one of your readers is a sleep-deprived person like me!

Also, I might have mentioned it last time, but dialogue formatting. Another big-time pain in the butt, but it has to be done. It's distracting to the reader when it isn't done right and you don't want something as silly as a comma detracting from the story.

"It's okay, I'm fine now, you don't have to worry." Alicia said, still smiling.

Take a sentence like the one above. You need a comma after worry instead of a period. Why? Because the entire sentence in quotes is what she's saying, it's what's being said, it's the direct object of the entire quote, which is its own sentence. If you put the period there, you're saying that "Alicia said, still smiling" is it's own sentence. But "Alicia said, still smiling" is a a fragment, and therefore you need the comma.

That's a good test for any line of dialogue, no matter of the speech-verb is shouted or said or whispered or asked. If the prose part can't stand by itself, then you need the comma (or an exclamation point or a question mark). On a similar note, unless the first thing outside the quotation is a proper name (like Alicia), when you have a verb that can't stand by itself (like said), it's lowercase...even if it's an exclamation point. Like this:

"You don't have to worry," said Alicia.
"You don't have to worry!" said Alicia.
"Why are you worrying?" said Alicia.

Again, 'tis boring, dry stuff, but it must be learned.

I remember this from the last chapter, but the pace on this is still quite rapid. I know I'd prefer it if you slowed down some and really showed more of the interaction between Adriana and Alicia, and then Alicia and her schoolmates. Right now, you just tell us, "oh, her popularity increased." Why not give us some scenes of how people are rushing up to her now? Instead of telling us that Adriana is the most popular teacher in the school, why not show us how awesome she is by letting us sit in on one of her lessons. I think what you're tying to do is rush ahead to the "good parts" (like the romance!) but any part (well, within reason) can be interesting.

You have a good storyteller voice, though. I like it.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

Heya!

I have to agree with RachelElg here about slowing it down a bit. Show us that people like Alicia more. Show us how her popularity increased. At the moment there's a while lot of dialogue and 'telling' here. While the dialogue is good and builds up a character's personality as well as tells us what's happening, it needs to even out a bit with some scenes. A whole story can't be build on dialogue solely. So, I'd suggest maybe describing the characters a little and make us part of their daily lives. Show us how they live their daily lives.

With the 'telling':

Destiny110 wrote:In the next few days that followed Alicia's popularity increased. While most welcomed her as a friend, some got jealous of her, though only two people were envious to act on it.

See those two sentences, you're telling us everything, which can speed up the story a lot and well, telling isn't as interesting as showing. I'd strongly suggest you to turn these sorts of sentences into scenes, that way it'll even up the dialogue, slow the pace down and make it a lot more interesting. You can show us how Heather and Becka went and sabotaged Alicia's lunch.

So, the main problem here I think is too much dialogue, you need to balance it out a bit with scenes without dialogues. I think that that problem can be solve by turning those sentences that tells you everything into scenes which shows us what's happening.

Other than that, you built your characters brilliantly through dialogue. Although, I'd like a few sentences giving us an idea of some sorts what they look like. You also manged to get the plot across through dialogue pretty well. So, well done on conveying information through dialogue and not info-dumps.

I enjoy the plot but I agree with MiRaCLeS. Do a bit more showing instead of telling. And some more description would add layers to the story. I also feel emotionally detached from both Adriana and Alicia (I also can't tell the point of view). When Adriana was so mad she was shaking, could you describe the anger burning inside her like a fire? Or when Alicia was in the hospital, describe her feelings! I feel like your characters are just cameras recording the events but not actually emotionally reacting to those events. Please, describe and let us get inside your characters heads. It would make your story so much better.

Okay, I am going to make this very clear. The story isn't from any of the characters' point of view! I've seen a billion stories like that. I can't make it from anyone's PoV because I need both of them. Thanks for all the reviews though, and all your other suggestions are very helpful!

~~Destiny110

this is really brilliant ! Believe it or not things like that really do happen. I love to see the length this will go.

Destiny, how's it going? Long time no chat! Anyways, I love this novel, gurl(: Brilliance. The first chapter was awesome and you had great people do great reviews, but I saw some things in this chapter that I wanted to mention!

First off, you have a lot of dialogue. I recommend either balancing it will more narrative description, or removing some of the extra dialogue. Just a thought.

Also, it can get a bit "dry" in some places. You always say:
Alicia said,
Heather asked,
and the doctor replied.

TRY:
Daryl questioned,
Adrianna stated,
Becka complained,
and other words like mentioned, exclaimed, yelled, wondered, etc.

Let's try to build personality for your characters. We know that Alicia is down to earth, Adrianna is the best teacher ever, and Becka and Heather are meanies. We need more icing on the cake of character development(:

Lastly, a little punctuation/phrasing lesson.

"Not that I know of." she replied.

This is incorrect. Try this:

"Not that I know of," she replied.

What is in the quotation marks is what's being said. If we were in your story, that would be the end of the sentence. But in the writing world, that isn't. You always finish with, she replied, to specify emotion or in some cases which character is speaking. So the last punctuation mark before the quotations can only be a comma, exclamation, or a question mark.

In the case that you choose to leave off the "she said" or "he replied", you would do this:

"Not that I know of." she replied.

Hope this helps you!

A million huggles,
Ff(:

Heyo again.
I still feel bad for grave digging. But its for victory!~

This chapter was a lot better than the last. You have been gaining improvement. I won't talk as much about grammar and description this time because I did that last time, and I noticed other people also commented on it so I will get right down to the plot.

This one was a little bit more realistic than last time, but there still was things that bugged me. The characterization is still lacking. I have no idea what these characters are like. They seem very Mary Sueish to me, just very generic. There is nothing special about them. I kind of get that Adriana is protective, but make it more obvious. Make it clear in the way she speaks. Describe her actions as deliberate and condescending. Make her a teacher. Without characterization for any of the characters makes this story less realistic and less enjoyable for me. I can't connect with them as I would other wise and that why many people read books. I want to feel their emotions and understand what they are going through.

The second thing I wanted to mention is that you again have to think things through realistically again.

First, a teacher cannot teach a class in which their child/foster child is in. It is under any law of education. By becoming Alicia's foster parent, Adriana cannot be in the same class as her. So that means Alicia will have to have changed her classes. You can even include that in the story to give the reader more of the idea of how the transition affected the two.

It also seemed odd to me how Adriana took the action of mom right away. She is unmarried and had just taught this student for a couple weeks and now randomly she is having a family relationship with her. It would be a big transition. I could understand the want to be perfect and supportive, but by doing everything right makes it seem unreal. Make her make mistakes. Like works that way. With the sandwich thing to, you made it seem like that conversation happened after a while of them living together. That could be the case but I was unsure. Make sure that is very clear in the story, but what you could do is just make it seem like the first time Adriana had made her a sandwich. I'm not sure. Just figure that out.

The next thing was the whole police affair. I can see why the officer would be suspicious of Adriana. And I support that whole-heartedly. But to get rid of those suspicions due to just one person's word for it? Adriana could have poisoned her for all he knew, and he wouldn't just decide she was innocent so quickly.The next thing about that whole situation I want you to check up on is the fact finger prints can't be identifiable on paper substances. This may be untrue, but I'm pretty sure it is. Google it.

I also think the procedures of how you did this was wrong. Yah, it adds drama by making Adriana talk to the two girls, but as soon as there was a finger print match, they wouldn't have even revealed it to Adriana until after the girls were taken into custody. Its not something that would be taken likely. It is for the two girls safety for death threats tend to happen in situations like that. Maybe make Adriana talk to them in jail.

The last thing I want to talk to you about is the realistic dialogue again. The teenagers just didn't seem like teenagers to me. They seemed more elementary then anything. Making comments like sucking up to the teacher and I don't know.it just didn't make me believe it. What I would suggest making everyone have an individual voice for that is how things usually are. Make the officer speak formal, maybe giver Daryl an accent. Just make things more exciting and generic.

Overall, I really do like wear this is going. You have so much potential and the idea of this story is kind of amazing. Keep up the good work. You have something on your hands here.

Go Team Red. For Gryffindor!

~Incognito