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Romeo and Juliette: Twisted (2)



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Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:24 am
Cassie9960 says...



Tink tink tink. I pressed my fingers onto the keys of the piano, playing out a simple song I had made up with the large amount of lessons I had been given. Tink tink tonk. "Excuse me." I looked up to see Abigail standing beside the piano. "Miss, Jonathan would like to see you."
"Thank you Abigail, tell him I will be there momentarily." I said looking back to the piano.
"Yes, Miss." She mumbled with a curtsy. I glanced up at her through my eyelashes as she stumbled through the the door to the garden. Looking back at the piano I played a few more notes. Tink tonk tink tink tonk. I pushed the chair I was seated on back and stood up carefully grabbing my skirts. I stepped slowly and quietly to the garden where I knew Jonathan was waiting for me. I sighed as I stepped through the doorway. The sun stung my skin and my eyes adjusted to the garden. Roses lined in a circle around a circular pond skewing water. I walked towards the pond not even glancing towards Jonathan, knowing he would follow , I sat on the edge of one of the rocks forming the pond's barrier. I glanced into the clear water, I smiled as I watched the few coi fish that swam around in the water, they were so carefree, so unaware of the world going on around them. "You look beautiful today."
"Thank you Jonathan." I snarled, angry at him for pulling me from my dream world.
"Did I say something wrong?" He asked, suddenly taken aback.
"No." I said looking at him through my lashes. "I don't mean to be rude, I just had a bad night. I didn't seem to catch enough sleep."
"Oh." He sat beside me, catching my hand with his. "I am excited about our wedding, I can't wait."
I yawned, facing him fully. He smiled, he placed his hand to my cheek and stroked it gently. I looked away, towards the sky, and then back at the pond. "Sometimes." I said, he looked puzzled then I continued. "Sometimes I wish that I was one of those fish, so carefree, and yet still so beautiful."
"You are beautiful." He smiled, I was waiting for this. "More beautiful than any living thing."
But I'm not living. You will never understand. I snapped at him in my mind. I frowned, "Are you sure?"
"Positive." He said tapping my nose gently with his index finger. "That is why I must give you something." He gently released my hand and stepped from the pond, getting on one knee, he pulled a small box from his jacket. "Juliette, since we are already be-wed, I must give you your engagement ring. I knew that only one would be perfect for you, so I sent my best man to search all of Europe for the most beautiful ring for the most beautiful girl." He opened the box, inside I saw the most beautiful diamond set upon a solid gold ring, which engraved in it was the words II mio amore.
"My love." I whispered pulling the ring from the box. I examined it in my hand.
"Allow me." He slid it onto my ring finger. "It looks like that's its rightful place to belong doesn't it?"
"Yes." I agreed.
"Miss Juliette, the gardener is here." Abigail said leaning into the garden.
"Oh, I had completely forgotten. Thank you Abigail, let him in."
"Well, I must be going." Jonathan said stepping away from me. "Until next time my love." I waited until he was out of sight until I examined the ring once again. It took my breath away.
"Excuse me?" I glared up at the voice that had interrupted my thoughts.
"What?" I snarled, I stopped my glare after seeing who the new gardener was. "Oh, Romeo please forgive me, I had no idea."
"Yes. I'm sorry I snuck up on you like that Miss Juliette."
"Please, call me Juliette. From the way you dressed when we met, I thought you were rich enough to not have a job."
"Oh I am, I just like having the extra money. My father owns a shoe shop, and a gardening service." He said smiling.
"Of course, well you may begin your work, when you are finished please inform my maid Abigail. I would like to see you before you leave."
"Of course." He said stepping around the garden examining it. "This place is beautiful."
I nodded stepping inside my home closing the door quietly. "Abigail, bring him straight up to my room when he is through."
"Yes, Miss." She said stepping in the garden. I climbed up quietly to my room, slamming the door once inside.
********
A knock at the door startled me. "Miss?" Abigail called stepping inside.
"Abigail, please leave me and Romeo to ourselves. I will need his home address when we are finished." Understanding, Abigail let Romeo in, turned on her heel and left.
"Hello, Romeo." I said quietly, I drew off my skirts and pressed to him, only in my under gown. I pressed my lips to his, not letting him answer me. I could feel him shiver with pleasure, as I kissed him, my lips slowly moving down to his neck. Once reaching it, I drew my head back, my teeth fangs, I pierced his neck, feeling the blood pour in. I could sense his fear. I looked up at him, "I won't hurt you, but you will not remember this part of the evening." He nodded, his eyes glassy. He fell limp in my hands, he had fainted. Placing him on my bed, I put my skirts back on. Dragging him down the stairs, and out the door to the carriage where Nigel was waiting.
"A little bludlust are you, Miss?" Nigel laughed as I dragged Romeo into the carriage.
"Enough of the jokes, Nigel." I snapped. "Please just take me to his estate."
"As you wish." Nigel said whipping the horses, the horses started a gallop and the carriage began to move, rocking slightly. Romeo's head laid on my lap, I gently stroked his damp hair.
"Oh Romeo, if only you weren't so irrisistable." I said smiling. Nigel was the only one who knew my secret, he had brought the doctor to me when I was ill, the doctor called in a vampire who changed me and saved my life.
"Here we are." Nigel said halting the carriage. I climbed out as Romeo awakened.
"Where am I?" He asked, climbing out slowly.
"Home my darling." I said a small smile curving up my lips. I pushed him from the carriage and blew him a small kiss,
"Oh." He smiled gratefully and turned from me. "Thank you." He began to walk towards the manor.
"Romeo?" He stopped. "Would you like to come over for tea tomorrow at midday?"
"I would love to." And then he was gone.
********
"Juliette!" My father cried angrily as I walked into the manor.
"Father?" I persuaded, confused. "What's the matter?"
"Leona claims she found another dead body in the bushes behind your window this morning." He said.
"Cursed blacks." I hissed to myself. "Father, you know it was probably that vampire that's on the loose."
"I know darling, but I'm just worried that next time it will be you." He said with a soft smile. "You know we are having the hunt in a months time, I have prepared to have you stay in England for it will be to brutal for a girl of your delicacy."
"Yes, Father. Thank you." I placed a kiss upon his cheek as I tip toed up the stairs. My skirts dragged as I heard Jonathan enter the great hall.
"Sir, we caught one." His voice was strict and he sounded angry.
"Excellent, bring it here." My father ordered.
"Father, what is going on?" I demanded running down the stairs. What was brought before me had to be the worst thing I had ever seen before. "Oh my."
"Please, give mercy!" The creature screamed. He had blood running down his sides and he smelled strongly of wheat. "Please!"
"Stake him." My father said not even glancing at the man.
"No, Father!" I yelled, stepping in front of the man quickly. "He might not be a demon from hell, maybe he's..... friendly."
"Nonsense, Juliette!" He pulled me forwards. "Go upstairs!"
"Jonathan, please! Give him a chance! See what he has to say." I whimpered. I began to cry.
"Juliette, he's a monster. He doesn't deserve a chance." Jonathan said sternly.
"Oh really? So if I was a vampire, you would just kill me? Just like that, I'd be dead. You wouldn't have given me anything to say." I hissed.
"Juilette, thats diff-" He began.
"How so?" I cut him off. "Let's just see what he has to say."
"Thank you, thank you." The vampire groped. "I wasn't always like this. I remember meeting this beautiful woman, and I was so enchanted. But then today I woke up, and I was so hungry. When I left the barn, the sun stung my skin. So I began to eat my animals. I have not killed a human, but if you would like to meet one who has, I can try to recall the girls name."
"Thank you sir." Jonathan said. The guards led the vampire to the office. And Jonathan stepped closer to me. He placed his mouth to my ear. "You're not a vampire, are you, my love?"
I laughed, shaken. "No, of course not, dear. If I was, then how would I be able to walk outside?" I curtsied, and tip toed up the stairs.
He grabbed my arm. "Juliette, I love you."
I smiled. "I know." And then I was gone.
OK, super sorry about the format. I'm trying to get that fixed. But thanks for reading!
  





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Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:56 am
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LoneWolf161 says...



Its really good your good better then me I write Romantic /action so yours is really good
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:14 am
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DakotaK says...



Hi ya,
It's Dakota here for a review! First off I will start with a few nit-picks.

Tink tink tink. I pressed my fingers onto the keys of the piano, playing out a simple song I had made up with the large amount of lessons I had been given. Tink tink tonk.


So... I don't really like this sentence. It seems awkward to say "I had made up with the large amount of lessons I had been given" and then I've plaid the piano for seven years and the description of the notes seems... a little... I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps you could describe the melody instead of the notes?

"Thank you Abigail, tell him I will be there momentarily." I said looking back to the piano.

So the whole piece needs grammatical revision (and I'll be the last one to put you down for that as my grammar is AWFUL!) but just for an example the above sentence should read:

"Thank you, Abigail, tell him I will be there momentarily," I said looking back to the piano.

Roses lined in a circle around a circular pond skewing water.


It sounds a bit awkward to use circle twice and I think you might have meant spewing:)

In the third paragraph, you start most sentences with "I". This is a standard show-not-tell (yes you can murder me for saying that, I throw a fit when people complain to me about my own lack of showing)

I snarled, angry at him for pulling me from my dream world.
Up till now it has been very whimsical and all of a sudden, Pow! Major mood swing. Maybe let us in on her mood a little earlier?

most beautiful ring for the most beautiful girl." He opened the box, inside I saw the most beautiful diamond

You say "most beautiful" three times here.


Okay, so beside the grammatical error's the plot seemed intriguing enough. Ignore my opinion, but I'm a bit exhausted by "everything-vampire" lol. It's interesting as to the whole Romeo and Juliette plot though. I think the middle scene where she seduces Romeo is very rushed. I'm like, wow she's a vampire? And the next second she's at his place waving goodbye. Maybe slow it down and add some detail?

~Dakota Knight
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

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Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:23 am
crescent says...



"A little bludlust are you, Miss?" Nigel laughed as I dragged Romeo into the carriage.

* blood-lust

I have not killed a human, but if you would like to meet one who has, I can try to recall the girls name

*girl's

"I know darling, but I'm just worried that next time it will be you." He said with a soft smile. "You know we are having the hunt in a months time, I have prepared to have you stay in England for it will be to brutal for a girl of your delicacy."

*too

I have to say, some of the components in your story are a bit twilight-y. You have the piano and a doctor saving Juliette by making her a vampire. Then, again, it's too early to say at this point in your novel. Just be mindful of that. You have a unique idea: merging Twilight and Romeo and Juliet into one book. I guess this makes it the ultimate love story, huh. xP I don't really like how everyone is hopelessly in love with Juliette though and yet at the same time she seems to despise everyone. She doesn't seem to be interested in her Fiance, but perhaps that's what you intended to do. You have a novel with a lot of potential and I'm sure Twilight fans will love it. Happy writing!

-Crescent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(
  








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