Young Writers Society

sorry I am leaving the site due to study issues ( aka no time to write) and I dont want to leave work up unfinished

Hi there! Welcome to the site!

This is a great start. There's a lot of description in this chapter, no dialouge, but it all works out fine. Speaking of that, your descriptions are great. You showed us what your character was doing rather than telling us about it all. Since he's the only character really introduced, I'll let you know that he sounds like a great character. You described him well and I feel like I know him.

Just one little thing though, I don't know what he looks like. It's totally possible that I could've missed that description, but I didn't see any description about it. What color are his eyes? What kind of hair does he have? Does he look more like his mother or his father? How tall is he? Is he fat? Skinny? If you simply answer all of these questions and stuff them into a couple sentences, this'll be more clear.

I have just a few grammer (I guess) corrections:

The town was quite quiet in the morning.

It should be 'quiet'.

His hand going past sheets of paper, the lump of pens and pencils contained in his wetsuit like pencil case insert comma here and finally finding the smooth rectangle of his iPod and attached tangle of cords that were his headphones at the bottom of the bag.

This seems like a run-on sentence to me. I think you should split it up into two sentences like:

His hand going past sheets of paper, the lump of pens and pencils contained in his wetsuit like pencil case, and finally finding the smooth rectangle of his iPod. As he pulled it out of his bag, his headphones followed, simply an attached tangle of chords.

You don't have to write exactly that, but you get my point right? Just split that sentence up a little.

“I’ll be back in the afternoon” Oscar muttered,

You forgot the 'ed' on the end of muttered.

“E.R called, Car accident, home after 8- sorry, Mum “

This should be in italics since it's a letter and not regular dialouge. Also, it should look something like this:

E.R. called. Car accident, be home after 8
Sorry,
Mum

Now it looks more like a note.

His mind was brought back to the present when he notice the song change and air drummed with his hands to the faster, stronger rhythm.

You forgot the 'r' in brought. And also, this sentence confuses me a little. Do you mean to say that he's drumming the air? It sounds to me like the air is drumming his hands, but I don't think that's what you mean. Be careful.

It had been 20 minutes now and he was coming closer to his destination, before coming to the Pearce Rd sign, he turned left instead of right to pay a visit to the one place that made his morning better.

Here's another run-on sentence. You can simply put a semi-colon in place of your first comma. A period there would work too. Also, you don't need to tell us why he's going left instead of right. Leave that part out so it'll be kind of mysterious. At least the reader will be wondering why he has decided not to follow his usual path.

As always I am not yet awake, and as always you have left me a lemon. But today I ask of you one more thing, in the afternoon brings the papers you talked about. Augustine wants to meet you, Torah

Again, italicise this so it stands out from the rest of the story.

Overall I really enjoyed this. I hope my review was helpful. Keep writing!

The only mistake i noticed that hasn't been mentioned already was in the beginning,

Fingers assaulted by the cold, he turned the lock hearing the mechanical click.

It should probably be "Fingers assaulted by the cold, he turned the lock, hearing the mechanical click."

Besides that, it was very good, and i am definitely going to read the next part!

Keep Writing
arspoetica

Hello Alex!

Sorry that it took a while for me to take a look at this.

My overall impressions;
The fact that this is a love story warms my heart (I love love stories). You have a such a unique premise to the story as well. Most love stories begin a certain way, and somehow this story deviates from that norm, which is great. Your characters seem like unique individuals and I'm fascinated by them.

Another thing I find impressive is the handle you have on the story. I can tell that you've worked hard on this story, you're very much invested - the fact that you can describe these scenes so well, and so incredibly detailed! It really gives the sense that you know your story, your characters, and the scene inside and out. There is a lot of genuine feelings in this. Just from reading the first chapter, I get this "sense" of Oscar's genuine love for this girl. I mean, it's not really mentioned anywhere, but you still get the sense of it. You get this sense that Oscar is a genuine person with true, honest emotions. That is hard to find in stories, and really shows how much you, as the writer, know the characters.

That being said, the story itself needs a lot of work writing-wise. I mean which story doesn't? I get the feeling that this is just a rough draft, or an early draft - what I want you to do is to continue with this. Continue writing the story, finish the story, and then worry about editing it later.

So many of us are guilty of writing half-way and editing it meticulously until we lose interest and we never finish. I really want to be able to read this all the way through, because you've caught my interest in the characters and I'd love to know their story.

Because I'd rather encourage you to continue writing then do edits right now - I am not going to do a line-edit. But, once you've finished this, proofread, and revised it - come get me. I'd love to provide a second-eye and do a line-edit then.

I will leave you with this advice though, because I feel you should know the pace seems a little slow. Even when I said that I was impressed with your use of detailed descriptions (as a writer I am impressed, it shows me how invested you are in you work), but as a reader, it bogs me down. It's too descriptive. I skim through passages and I wonder, what's the point? Part of it is your sentences itself - very lengthy. It's important to mix it up. Otherwise you're going to find readers like me who get bored of it very quickly. It took me a lot of focus to realize what was just description and where the start of the action really began.

It is good to "show, don't tell" - but that doesn't mean that you have to show everything. Generally, you want to mix it up. You have a whole paragraph (262 words!) showing us how he turned on his ipod. It's not as if your character does anything differently from anyone else. Why describe every finite detail of it?

Some writers write too much, some write too little. It is difficult to develop a balance. Work on it. "Show, don't tell" doesn't mean that you have to describe every action, only describe the important ones. Why? Because description serves to have the reader experience a story.

If you're writing about a character who's OCD for example, showing that the character is OCD (repetitive actions, counting food, not stepping on the cracks, etc) would be a better method than telling the reader "He is OCD" because the former allows the reader to experience what it would be like to be OCD, AND it serves to contribute to the story by describing the character. The latter contributes nothing.

Likewise, if you describe every little detail of mundane ordinary life, the story gets boring. You don't want to read stories about someone waking up, brushing their hair, taking a shower, putting on clothes, brushing their teeth, making breakfast, eating breakfast, and then going to school. We read stories to escape from mundane life, not to experience mundane life xD

So when you're writing and you want to know whether you should show or tell, think about what is important for the readers to experience.

We don't need to experience how to turn on an ipod. Do we really need to experience how he crossed the road?

What we want to know is more about your character, so if you're going to show us something - show us with the intent of having the reader learn more about your character.

My suggestion is - cut out everything about him crossing the street and just say it. Just tell us: he crossed the street and stopped when he saw the cat. From here, you can describe more about the cat, as you've done, and you can show us how your character interacts with the cat.

By mixing it up telling and showing - what you've shown us (his encounter with the cat) becomes emphasized. It becomes important. We now know that your character has a warm heart for animals. We've experienced it for ourselves. BUT when you show us every little thing, then this isn't emphasized at all because you're showing us everything.

I hope that helps you understand. If you're still confused about what I mean, or have trouble with this, feel free to PM me.

Another thing I want you to note is the importance of sentence variety. Sentence variety keeps a story exciting!

"Fingers assaulted by the cold, he turned the lock..."
"Looking up at the dreary winter sky, hardly visible through the curtain of grey fog surrounding him...
"Pulling open the zip of the front pocket, he fumbled..."
"Turning his attention to his IPod, Oscar undid..."
"Continuing down the empty streets, relaxed in a way..."
"Shuddering a little he reminded..."
"Coming to an intersection he avoided the main street..."
"With this dad hardly ever home, Oscar sat in silence..."
"Gaining a little speed with his excitement..."
"Coming to a stop in front of one of his favourite places, his eye..."
"Gazing over the house, eyes falling on..."
"With the ease of a tenant, he reached..."
"Hardly needing to think, the ritual so..."
"Continuing around, he came to...."
"Parting the curtains through the gap, he ..."
"Turning over his palm he picked up..."
"Retracing his steps, he shut ..."
"Assaulted with the distinct style of her ..."
"Upon reading the last line though, his..."

Woah! Do you see a pattern? Almost every sentence starts with an adverbial phrase - and more often a gerund (verb + -ing). This is why the story seems bogged down. By writing most of your sentences this way, it diminishes a lot of action from the story, because the primary subject + verb (in other words, the meat of the sentece) is introduced mid-sentence, or sometimes the very end!

Work on that! But keep writing! I look forward to seeing how this develops.

~ As Always, Audy

Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on the review.

Fingers assaulted by the cold, he turned the lock comma, hearing the mechanical click

Continuing down the empty streets, relaxed in a way he rarely ever was comma, Oscar nodded occasionally with the music, appreciating the steady guitar riffs and lullaby like vocals.

By this time Oscar had come to the end of his street, crossed the highway and and continued down another suburban road filled with the same dull grey or cream bricked houses, tin roofs and untidy front lawns.

Shuddering a little comma, he reminded himself that he needed to stop watching the late night reruns of bad horror movies. Coming to an intersection comma, he avoided the main street, which although usually empty this early in the morning, still held a chance of bumping into an acquaintance.

It had been 20 minutes now and he was coming closer to his destination; just before coming to the Pearce Rd sign comma, he turned left instead of right.

Gaining a little speed with his excitement as he passed the town library, knowing he was less than a minute or two away comma, a smile crossed his face as the red brick of the double story stand alone terrace came into view.

With the ease of a tenant, he reached his hand over to undo the latch on the gate comma, hearing the familiar sound of rust filled hinges as it swung in woods in welcome and then, as so many times before comma, he ignored the sign, walked right pass the half overgrown path to the entrance and around the corner of the house to the ancient lemon tree.

Continuing around, he came to of the back window, seeing that it was still a little open, he began to hope that she would already be awake Period. He looked down at his watch comma, the analogue display almost scolding him for his stupidity, time does not magically elapse- space it was only seven thirty and the window was still left from the day before, as it always was.

But today I ask of you one more thing, in the afternoon bring the papers you talked about.

Oscar knew that tonight’s meeting could bring him the one thing that would make his days a little less bleak and it was in that frame of mind that he walked into the school office ten minutes later, a rarely seen smile breaking out on his lips.

It's a great first chapter, and I like that you didn't tell us too much details, just enough to keep us going. Now, I have some things you have to work on in order to make that chapter extraordinary. First off, you are missing quite a few comma's over the course of your chapter. There's a trick for that, though, and hopefully it will help with your proof reading. When you read your work out loud a few days or weeks after you've written it, it'll help you catch all the little typos and sentence structure mistakes, such as misplaced comma's and run-on sentences.

I also agree with Audy about the structure of your sentences. The way you write is very beautiful, but sometimes it becomes boring and repetitive since you always write the same sort of sentences. Maybe try to change it up sometimes so it's not as repetitive.

And too finish, I really like the whole chapter and the characterization you've used to describe Oscar. You did it in a way that was really slick, that I almost didn't realize that you were creating a really deep character. Good job.

Keep writing!

-Other One

I like it. It definitely has intrigue. Maybe it's from reading chapter 2 and chapter 3, and then chapter 1, but I'm not sure if this chapter fits with the others as well. Maybe if you included more of his thoughts in it or something, I don't know. It's a great chapter anyways, I like it a lot. I didn't really see anything else wrong with it, besides a few minor grammar errors. Can't wait to read the next chapter. Tell me when you finish chapter 4.
-tgirly

Hey Alexandra!
So you've got quite a short chapter here. This is fine and not a problem at all but as you're no doubt aware, a novel tends to consist of around sixty thousand words. Taking that into account and the fact that your current chapter is about one thousand words, it would seem you're either going to have to write sixty odd chapters or lengthen your others.
Make sure that what you write has done justice to the scenario/scene that you have pictured in your head. Characterisation is a big issue in beginning chapters and before you begin I would try to answer all the following for your main characters:
Full name of Character:
Reason, meaning or purpose behind the name:
Nickname:
Reason for nickname:
Race:
Occupation/class:
Social class:
Physical Appearance:
Age:
How old they appear:
Eye Color:
Glasses or contacts?
Hair color length and style:
Weight and height:
Type of body (build):
Skin tone and type (i.e., harry, slimy, scaly, oily, fair, burns easily):
Shape of face:
Distinguishing marks (dimples, moles, scars, birthmarks, etc.):
Predominant feature:
Is s/he healthy?
If not, why not? Or why are they healthy?
Do they look healthy? Why/why not?
Favorites:
Char’s favorite color:
Least favorite, why?
Music?
Least favorite music, why?
Food:
Literature:
Expressions:
Expletives (curse):
Mode of transport:
Hobbies:
How do they spend a rainy day?
Personality:
Are they a daredevil or cautious?
Do they act the same alone as when with someone?
Habits:
Drinks:
How much:
Greatest Strength:
Greatest Weakness:
Soft spot:
Is their soft spot obvious, why/why not:
If not, how do they hide it:
Biggest Vulnerability:
Background:
Hometown:
Type of childhood:
First Memory:
Most important child hood event that still effects him/her:
Why?
Education:
Religion:
Finances:
Family:
Mother:
Relationship with her:
Father:
Relationship with him:
Siblings, How many, relationship with each:
Children of siblings:
Other extended family:
Close? Why or why not:
Attitude:
Most at ease when:
Most ill at ease when:
Priorities:
Philosophies:
How they feel about themselves:
Past failure they would be embarrassed to admit:
Why?
If granted one wish what would it be, why?
Traits:
Optimist or pessimist? Why?
Introvert or extrovert? Why?
Drives and motives:
Talents:
Extremely skilled at:
Extremely unskilled at:
Good characteristics:
Character flaws:
Mannerisms:
Peculiarities:
Biggest regret:
Minor regrets:
Biggest accomplishment:
Minor accomplishments:
Darkest secret:
Does anyone know?
How did they find out:
Self-perception:
One word they would use to describe themselves:
One paragraph of how they would describe themselves:
What do they consider their best physical characteristic and why:
The worst one? Why?
Are they realistic assessments?
If not, why not?
How they think others preserve them:
What four things would they most like to change about themselves:
Why?
If they were changed would they be the same person, why/why not:
Would changing of number 1 make them more happy? Why/why not:
Interaction with other people:
How do they relate to others:
How are they perceived by strangers:
Friends:
Wife/husband/lover:
The Hero/Heroin:
How do they view the Hero/Heroine:
First impression of the char:
why?
What happens to change this perception:
What do people like most about this char:
What do they dislike most about them:
Goals:
Immediate:
Long term:
How do they plan to accomplish them:
How will others be effected by this:
Problems/Crisis:
How do they react in a crisis:
How do they face problems:
Kind of problems they usually run into:
How they react to new problems:
How they react to change:
General:
Favorite clothing, why:
Least favorite, why:
Jewelry:
Other accessories:
Drives:
Where do they live:
Where do they want to live:
Spending habits, why:
What do they do too much of, why:
Most prized possession, why:
People they secretly admire, why:
Person they are most influenced by, why:
Most important person in their life before story starts, why:
How do they spend the week just before the story starts:

This should help you to get a good overall feel for them and in turn write about them better. Happy review day!
Icy